by Joey | Dec 1, 2015 | Throwback
I’m having a hard time understanding how some things work out. I’d like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character. And call me naive, but once I like your character, I trust you. It’s gotten me hurt a time or two, but it’s usually worth it in the end. I’ve found some real gems, giving them my heart almost immediately.
I realize that’s strange to hear me say considering it took me five years, a couple false starts, and a lot of convincing to give it all to the guy who’s asleep in the next room. But my hesitation with him didn’t come from mistrust. No. It was because I knew I could trust him. I knew I could rely on him. And at sixteen, when the chase is half the fun, I wasn’t ready.
And then suddenly, I was.
But once we were in, we were in. Maybe it’s because we faced some serious hardship right off the bat that forced us to ask ourselves what it all meant. Were we teenagers infatuated with each other? Or were we actually falling in love. Adult love, something neither of us really understood entirely, but were certain of. I don’t know how we were so sure. We just were. (And 5.5 years into our marriage, nearly 13 years into our relationship, I think it’s safe to say we actually knew). A risk, sure. But one we were both committed to taking together.
I realize not everyone has known their spouse since they were in middle school. I realize not everyone goes through the awkward teen years together, growing into young adults, changing, growing, learning, exploring it all together. I know we’re a rare breed.
But when J popped a hypothetical question in a sub shop parking lot at seventeen, I let the question hang in the air for a moment, aware of its weight. Yes, I said. I would marry you.
Marriage is work. It’s not a diamond ring and photos on Facebook. It’s only what you put in. It ebbs. It flows. It changes. You change. But the trick is, you have to be committed to changing together. for better. for worse. for richer. for poorer. Those aren’t just words that sound good and bring tears to people’s eyes. No. Those are promises.
So what I don’t understand is when it all comes crumbling down, was it all a lie? Or did you just change your mind?
I’ve watched marriages end recently where one was all in and the other, for whatever reason, wasn’t anymore. And it just leaves me confused. So confused.
Because when it all ends, it cuts deep. It’s not just a marriage that dissolves, no. It’s a disillusionment for everyone who believed in you. Who believed you. When you trust the people you love to someone else, and then they break them, it’s hard not to feel that hurt.
What’s worse is that sometimes it isn’t about HOW it ends, but why it ended. Did you end up having to coordinate with a sex crime lawyer because they turned out to be a malignant narcissist? Did you have a marriage break down because they cheated on you? There are so many reasons a marriage breaks down and it takes time and possible legal help to get through it.
And trying to make sense of it all seems futile. Because me? Well, I trust people. And I was fooled, too. I trusted these people not to hurt the ones I love. And they’ve let me down.
So as engagement season sets into full swing, I’d like to encourage you to be sure of the promises you’re making. Of the weight of it all. Marriage is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but it’s something that has to survive on its own outside of pretty white dresses and showers. It’s a promise to spend your life with someone. People are trusting you with your beloved’s heart. Handle it with care.
*julep link is an affiliate
by Joey | Nov 30, 2015 | Throwback
The holidays are always a good time to do a check in. I used to joke that I just wanted to put my Christmas tree up in the same house twice. Well, 22 days before Christmas last year, we found out we’d be leaving Buies Creek eventually.
But alas, my tree went up. So far, the only place it’s made an appearance in the same house twice.
Today, I went shopping with a friend. We battled the chaos of HomeGoods in search of gold everything. This friend has become a constant, a norm, a person of comfort. Today was not an extraordinary day. No. It was very, very ordinary actually. But as I was climbing the stairs up to my apartment from hers, I had an odd thought.
This time last year, I didn’t know her.
I opened the door to an apartment I had no idea I’d eventually live in to reveal my Christmas tree standing strong in the corner.
It’s the same tree, but it’s a different girl standing before it. My heart ached as I stripped it of its branches last year, stuffing them back into a Christmas body bag; a change looming. And while it slept, all the Christmas cheer tucked away in bins and boxes, life happened.
And all the while, it was safe, protected, and though in pieces, it remained in tact, unchanged.
Our world is different. We’re different. But some things stay the same; a comfort despite the chaos.
I’m not the girl I was this time last year. A friend delicately explained to me while I poured my heart out to her recently, I’m coming into myself. Thirty is around the corner. I’m not the girl I thought I’d be at this point in time, but I’m getting there.
As I let go of a friend earlier this year, I wrote in my paper journal that I didn’t want to carry that baggage into my thirties. The messy and uncertain can live in my twenties, that’s what they were for.
I never thought the last year of my twenties would be about letting go: of people, of definitions, of the pressure. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m finding that a lot of who I am isn’t. Things I thought I knew, I don’t. Things I thought I wanted I don’t. We grow up, thoughts downloaded, programmed. This year, I’ve been stripping it all away little by little, piece by piece.
This world I’m in now, it’s different. I’m different. It’s the same tree, but many of the ornaments are still in the box. This place is small, there wasn’t enough room, it felt crowded. We didn’t need them, at least not this year.
But it’s the same tree. It’s just stripped down a little. Beautiful all the same. Constant and comfortable.
by Joey | Nov 20, 2015 | Throwback
I literally have Christmas music blaring so loudly at this exact moment because the fire alarm is blaring at the apartment complex behind us. So thank you, Sarah Mclachlan for your powerful voice that isn’t making me feel guilty about sad, abused dogs for once in your life.
Speaking of Christmas music…Pandora Sara Bareilles Holiday Radio station. Do it. Doooooo it! I’ll wait.
Okay, got it?
Let’s continue.
Let’s all take a minute to sa-wooooooon over this Julep color, shall we?
(Julep is a monthly nail polish & beauty subscription service that you can skip or cancel at any time)
I went all basic white girl when I got it out into the sunlight for these photos. The hubs was ever so kindly replacing the windshield wipers on my my mom’s car when I literally shrieked OMG I CAN’T EVEN! Okay, yes. Guilty. Whatever.
Speaking of basic white girl I kid, sort of. I’ve spent a lot of time at Starbucks lately. Remember last month when I told you I made a budget? Well, I knew myself well enough to know I wasn’t going to stop going. So I gave myself a monthly Starbucks allowance and added it to my gift card. Done and Done. I’ve been working on a few projects (and maybe a few ebooks…get excited), so I’ve been setting up camp at least a couple times a week in my little corner at the ‘bucks. My newest favorite feature? The express ordering feature on their app! Nothing better than ordering my drink from my seat at one of the few coveted tables, without waiting in the line. thankyouverymuch
Saturday has become our date night. I hate to be so cliche, but it’s important, y’all. The hubs and I hardly see each other, working our butts off all week long and crashing out embarrassingly early every day. But we’re taking a new approach for tomorrow. Date lunch. We tried hard last week, y’all. We were so pumped for our Red Lobster date that we actually woke up exclaiming it’s cheddar biscuit day! We even went to dinner pretty early (we’re taking like…6). We snatched a coffee on the way home with hopes of watching a movie and hanging out. Yeah. He crashed out five minutes after walking in the door. Fail. So we’re going to attempt the whole date day thing. I’ll report in next week! Gotta do whatcha gotta do.
Someone find some confetti to throw because it’s Friday! We made it, even if just barely.
Want some good news? Next week is Thanksgiving, so we’re all likely looking at a shorter week. Get excited!
*Julep links are affiliate
by Joey | Nov 18, 2015 | Throwback
I’ve been watching some TV lately. Nothing out of control (because really, when do I have the time), but a little OTH and Jane the Virgin here and there. And I’ve noticed something. The characters I find the prettiest aren’t really all that made up.
Okay, yes. I know they have some serious cosmetology magic happening in their trailers, making the no makeup makeup look seem so effortless. But what it made me realize was that it really doesn’t take much to go from dear god don’t look at me to okay, this is acceptable.
I hate that I even feel like I need this disclaimer, but
obviously makeup is in no way a requirement. I hope we’re all adult enough to accept the reality that most of us just prefer to wear a little to make us feel more put together and presentable.
And truth be told I love makeup. But most days, it’s not something I make time to fuss with. I don’t want to look like the walking dead, but also don’t want to spend a ton of time every day.
With that said, I started pulling back on my makeup. I’ve been dealing with some skin issues lately I have some skin issues (hello, adult acne), and I wanted to see if I pulled back if it would actually help my skin. Seemed sort of like a no-brainer, and it’s definitely been helping.
The trick to the no-makeup makeup look is to really pamper your skin!
I’m still using the Clinique Acne Solutions, and it’s still working for me (for the most part). It doesn’t leave my skin perfect, and I still get flare ups, but it’s been consistently good for me. I’m hoping to try out the Rodan & Fields UnBlemish soon (holler at Kristin if you need a consultant).
I moisturize with just a standard moisturizer. Sometimes I opt for coconut oil if I’m dealing with some pesky dry skin. For eye cream, I’ve been using Bobbi Brown Extra Eye Repair, and it’s some heavy duty stuff. I let my moisturizers soak in for about 10 minutes before I move on to makeup. That’s a good time to work on your hair.
The point of the no makeup makeup look for me is to highlight my strongest features without it being obvious.
First up, the Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser. This is new for me. I hate the packaging, love the product. I apply it in the typical triangle under my eyes, bringing what’s left down my nose and hitting my eyelids. I have two scars on my cheeks from cystic breakouts that this ends up covering, too.
Next, I dust the Rimmel Stay Matte powder all over my face. I use translucent, but for some reason it ends up making everything look a little softer, and it seems to have some coverage which doesn’t make any sense to me, but hey…I’m not complaining.
I hit my cheeks with just a bit of the Nyx blush. Pinched is a great touch of color that also has a bit of a highlighting quality to it. It adds a nice flush to the skin without looking like makeup.
The Naked Basics Palette has a few jobs. I mix Naked 2 & Faint together and tackle my brows lightly. I take a flat eyeliner brush and pick up some crave for my tight line. This is a great way to add depth to your eyes without actually seeing the liner. I take that same liner brush and dip it into Faint. I very gently tap it under my bottom lashes. Again, a great way to line the eyes without it seeming so obvious.
I forgot to photograph mascara, but you know you should always use mascara, right? That’s a probably a no-brainer. Just use what works for you. I like the Covergirl Clump Crusher. Two light coats on top lashes, one light coat on bottom lashes.
Finish up with a soft gloss. You can also opt for a soft, matte lipstick.
Bada bing! Bada boom!
And you’re out the door
in five minutes!
by Joey | Nov 17, 2015 | Throwback
I’ve always dealt with some confidence and self-esteem issues. Nothing catastrophic, but there’s always been this nagging voice in the back of mind telling me that I’m inadequate. I can usually ignore it, squash it, but not always. And then finally I got fed up, and I started to dig around, trying to find the source.
It took me some time to find the root of the issue, and when I finally did, my heart sank a little.
For many years, I had a person in my life who was an expert at subtly dragging me down. They were disguised as a friend but their words and actions proved over the years that they were anything but. Looking back on the friendship now, it all seems so obvious, but I was blinded by who I thought they were. I can pinpoint moments that I literally ate the garbage they fed me, fueling this ever constant battle I faced with confidence and self-esteem.
You see, I thought this person was perfect. They had everything I didn’t. Where I was a mess, they were organized and together. Where I was stupid, they were smart. Where I was plain, they sparkled. That alone will leave a person feeling inadequate. You can never measure up to a person like that. My opinion of them was evident in the way I treated them. But the thing is, I treat all my friends the same. Once I’m in, I’m all in. But they saw this loyalty and insecurity, and they became a parasite.
A parasite is a living being who lives off other living beings,
sucking their energy
without any useful contribution in return,
hurting their host little by little.
Sound familiar? I hope not. The truth is, though, that many of us are in relationships like this without ever realizing it. We suffer quietly through the effects, unsure of their source, thinking the problem is us. I was stunted, never even aware that someone was holding me down.
This person would say things to me, about me, that I believed because they solidified worries and fears I already had about myself. I gave them the power to control the way I saw myself.
A word they used often was ridiculous. If I had an idea: that’s ridiculous. If I started dancing to a song I loved: you’re ridiculous. If I expressed myself in any way: don’t be ridiculous.
Ridiculous: deserving or inviting derision or mockery; absurd.
They mocked me always. They would embarrass me in front of others, making me the butt of every joke. They never ever built me up, only ever tearing me down. They drained me. Exhausting. Looking back on it now, it’s clear to see. I’m unsure how I never saw it before, but for whatever reason, I didn’t.
The only way to escape is to stop feeding the parasite, strip it of its power. It wasn’t until I cut ties that I even realized they were holding me down.
There’d been a voice whispering in my ear for over a decade, solidifying all the worst thoughts I ever had about myself.
So here I am, nearly thirty years old learning to rebuild, finding my confidence. We all fear being cocky and arrogant, which is why we hardly ever have a good perspective of ourselves. It’s important to surround yourself with the kind of people who remind you that you are good, that you are smart, that you are enough.
Zoom out and analyze the big picture. Are you host to a parasite? Stop feeding it.
*this post contains an affiliate link.
