Have you ever agreed to something and then almost instantly thought Oh god! No! Why did I just commit to that? You probably practiced the interaction. Promised yourself no matter what you wouldn’t get roped back in. But alas, here you are once again.
The one common trend I’ve discovered with all my clients is that each one of them is making themselves miserable pleasing everyone else. When they come to me, they’re depleted. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. And some even confess that they just feel lost. Each one approaches with a complicated story, a perfectly blended cocktail of chaos. But the root of the problem is always the same. They’re consistently disappointing themselves in favor of pleasing someone else.
Did a shiver just run down your spine? Did I press into a tender nerve? I know, it’s a hard truth to swallow. And so many of us are guilty of this exact thing. A cycle on repeat we can’t seem to escape. For some reason, we believe that what everyone else needs and wants should always be more important than what we need. We are constantly making choices based on our desire to avoid being labeled “selfish.” But joy cannot breed in a place of resentment.
Everyone is responsible for themselves
Okay, a quick disclaimer here. Unless you are a parent or designated caretaker for someone (aging parent, etc), you aren’t responsible FOR anyone else. But we are all responsible TO other people. You are responsible to your spouse, friends, parents, employers, etc in various different ways. But each person is responsible for themselves.
Under no circumstances are you responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own.
Here’s the thing about boundaries that often gets overlooked. Boundaries are simply a way to identify what is and isn’t your responsibility. Simply recognizing that does wonderful things for a shift in perspective. My favorite example to use here is the idea of a fenced in backyard. I know it’s my responsibility to mow the grass inside my own fence. My neighbor has a fence, too. And I can see his lawn. I may notice his lawn growing unruly. It may frustrate me and annoy me, but it is not my responsibility to go mow his lawn. Now, if it’s out of character for his lawn to be so overgrown, that might be a cue for me to check in on him. Is he in good health? Is a family member in the hospital? I can offer him a kindness and mow his lawn for him. But that doesn’t mean I’m then responsible to always mow his lawn moving forward.
You have your own responsibilities. And so does everyone else. It’s important to remember that when you’re suddenly feeling obligated to simplify someone else’s life for them.
But what if someone does try to push their responsibilities onto you?
Maybe that neighbor is really busy, and he’s now come to you asking if you can mow his lawn for him just this once. Your kind-hearted nature is quick to jump in and save the guy. Of course you can mow his lawn. It’s not a problem. Anything to help.
But almost instantly, you were filled with regret. You really don’t want to mow his lawn. You already have a lot on your plate and adding just one more thing, even out of the kindness of your heart, feels like too much.
Guess what? You are allowed to say no. You’re allowed to say no and not offer any kind of excuse or justification. They are allowed to ask. And you are allowed to say no. It’s as simple as that.
You have a decision to make: be perceived as good or be well.
I like to be accommodating. God forbid anyone ever call me high maintenance or selfish. Those words are triggers for me. There is no faster way to get me all up in my head, freaking out, and second-guessing everything.
I like to be the person my friends know they can come to when they need someone. I like being reliable. And saving someone in their time of need truly does wonderful things for my heart. But here’s the deal: not every person to ever enter into your life should receive this level of friendship from you. You are a good and kind-hearted person, so you likely assume, like I used to, that everyone is the same. Sadly, there are people on this planet who will take advantage of you. Whether intentionally or not, it will happen.
So when I found myself drowning in all the yesses and literally getting sick, I had to make a decision. Did I want people to perceive me as good? Or did I want to be well?
Owning your responsibilities and implementing filters around what you will and will not take on is vital to your well-being.
You have to be in your own corner.
Look, the world will be quick to let you down. I truly believe that people are innately good, but I’ve also seen enough life to know that people can disappoint us without a second thought. So if you’re not in your own corner, looking out for yourself, and protecting your well-being…who is?
Do yourself a favor and stop disappointing yourself in an attempt to protect how you’re perceived. It’s a game not worth winning. You can still be a good person and say no.
There’s a tattoo that I’ve been considering for a while. It’ll be small, and it’ll live on my right wrist. My husband, who is not a fan of tattoos, has pressed in hard with the questions. I have my reasons I’ve said over and over any time he’s asked. You’ll think it’s stupid I finally said to him when he pressed in yet again recently.
It doesn’t matter what Ithink he said, but I would like to know. The thing is, his opinion does matter to me–and that’s the point of this post. But first, I’ll share my reasons because I think this story is also relevant.
Choosing to do what I’ve been doing hasn’t been easy. At least it hasn’t been for me. Living a creative life out loud is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Putting myself and my work out there scares me so much it physically hurts sometimes. It’s important to me. But this work only matters, and what I’m doing only makes a difference if I put in my whole heart.
I’ve done this before, and my heart got wrecked. So naturally, I’ve been a bit gun shy lately. Reserved. Guarded. Trying, but holding back. And it’s sucked. My book was only relatable because I put my heart into it. These blog posts only land if I put my whole heart into them. My business can only help people if I put my whole heart into it. But putting your whole heart into something is scary. All of these things require me to choose to be brave.
I need to constantly remind myself to be brave. I need to always choose to put my whole heart into whatever I do. I want that reminder. Because this matters.
Inch by inch: boundaries for opinions
One of the reasons doing what I do requires bravery is because when you put yourself out there, people will always have opinions. Loud opinions. Critical opinions. Opinions they feel should be important. But you actually get to choose whose opinions get to have an effect on you. Yup, that’s right. So, let’s chat about these boundaries, shall we?
How to set boundaries for opinions
I’m a big fan of Brené Brown’s work. She’s an expert in shame and vulnerability and knows a thing or two about living a daring life. Before I started my first company, I caught her on an episode of Being Boss. And without being dramatic, the episode changed my perspective on a few things. I took it to heart and kept her advice in mind as I started on this journey over two years ago.
She shared then that she has a trick when it comes to managing her reaction to opinions. I thought it was clever back then, but I heard this advice again recently as I’ve been listening to Rising Strong. It’s funny to me how you can receive advice, but until you’ve experienced something that makes that advice more relevant to your life it doesn’t really stick.
Inch by inch
Brené’s trick is simple but difficult. She recommends that you take an inch by inch piece of paper and write down all of the names of the people whose opinions actually matter to you.
Those people who love you–not in spite of, but because of your vulnerabilities and imperfections.
She goes on to explain that if you need more paper, you need to edit.
It seems simple enough, but it’s in practice that you’ll find it’s tricky. But when opinions come flying your way, stinging and burning and causing you to second guess everything, you can return to that paper and remind yourself it’s not an opinion that matters.
Filter & Boundary Free: The risk you take
When there isn’t a boundary in place when it comes to opinions, you run the risk of giving someone who deserves none power over your life and choices. This boundary is important, especially when it comes to creative work. If I let it stop me everytime someone judged what I’m doing, I would have stopped a long, long time ago.
But I believe what I’m doing is important. And the people on my square inch of paper agree. And those opinions matter to me.
Take action!
Go ahead, cut out an inch by inch piece of paper and really get specific of who you believe should be on there. If you’re brave (which I know you are!) shoot me an email and tell me why you’ve included who you’ve included!
It doesn’t matter how old I get, how long I’ve been out of school, or what job I’m doing. August to me screams fresh start. I mean, that might have something to do with the many years I’ve spent as a football wife (byeeeee husband 👋🏻), but nonetheless, here we are.
I have to physically stop myself from cruising the back-to-school aisles in search of the perfect planner or the ever elusive pen-of-life. But in reality, nothing really changes for me when this splendid month makes its entrance (well, except that my butt will be sat in a bleacher most weekends). But for many of us, things kind of get out of whack over the summer. Kids are out of school. Vacations interrupt your normal workflow. Clients are in and out of the office. Life and business just lose all sense of normalcy and routine.
So when August rolls around, I am typically desperate to reintroduce some structure. And chances are, so are you. So, let’s chat fresh starts.
The Boundaries you may need for your fresh start:
Daily structure
Half the battle when it comes to designing a joyful life is knowing what you want. So I’d like to invite you to take some time to figure out what you’d like your standard days to look like. Obviously, there has to be some room for variation, but you can create a loose sketch to allow for some consistency.
Now, while my day-to-day looks fairly different when it comes to the work I’m doing and where I’m spending my time, my structure looks fairly consistent.
In case you need an example, here is what my standard daily structure looks like:
5:10 Alarm
5:15-5:35; Coffee + Bible/Devotional time
5:40-6:15; Journaling: daily pages, gratitude, affirmations, visualizations
6:15-7AM Free time (Typically filled with a daily chore, reading, watching a youtube video, getting ready, whatever)
7-8AM: Novel Work (Writing, editing, revising, etc)
8AM-3PM; Work
3PM-8PM; House chores, planning/prepping dinner, workout, dinner
8PM; Shower, unwind
9PM; Begin evening routine
Calendar block boundaries
Calendar block boundaries play a major role in keeping my sanity and protecting my productivity. (Which, if you ask me, kind of go hand in hand honestly…🤷🏻♀️)
First, what is calendar blocking? The premise of calendar blocking is to basically list out all of your weekly commitments, prioritize them, then scheduled those commitments into your calendar starting with your highest priorities first. It’s a great visual representation of how much time certain tasks take up, and it’s a great way to filter out the not-so-important tasks as you start to see your calendar space filling up.
It’s important to remember that every task on your to do list will actually take time. So the concept of calendar blocking is a great way to visualize how those tasks will play into your week.
I categorize my calendarblocks. You can dig deeper into how that works for me HERE, but basically, I schedule in time in advance on my calendar for certain types of tasks by category. That’s important to know when it comes to understanding calendar block boundaries.
Calendar block boundaries: These boundaries have honestly saved my sanity a time or two. I attach specific boundaries to each block category. For instance, the boundaries for my #WRITING and #FOCUSEDWORK categories are rigid. No emails. No social media. No interruptions or distractions under any circumstances. My phone is on DND or airplane mode in another room. I have a cold turkey session activated on my computer. These categories mean business!
The boundaries for my #UNFOCUSEDWORK category are much more flexible. I’ll take a phone call from a friend. I may set up shop at a cafe an allow a friend to join me. If my husband is home, I’ll bring the laptop to the couch and work while he’s watching TV. I think you’re getting my drift.
Basically, it’s important to know what you’ll allow into your space during certain blocks and communicate those boundaries to the necessary people. Have kids? An assistant? A spouse? Coworkers? Family? Make sure they know what each category means.
Invitation Filter
Ah, this one is a good but tricky one. My gut response to everything is no. But my people-pleasing tendency is to say yes. So invitations in themselves can cause me all kinds of unnecessary emotional drama. So, I’ve introduced an invitation filter to help keep my “obligations” joyful.
FILTER:1. I DO NOT ANSWER ANY INVITATION ON THE SPOT. No. No way. Not ever. Regardless of how the invitation is presented, I always reply with “I will check my calendar and get back to you.” It’s not you, it’s me. I need time to sit with the invite. Sorry not sorry.
2. Is this something that:
a) I will enjoy
b) I will learn from
c) I will grow from
d) Will connect me with new and interesting people that I actually want to meet?
3. Do I want to go?4. Will I regret not going? (Supplemental question: if yes, why? If the “why” is about letting someone else down, feeling guilty, etc, I move on. If the yes is because I truly think it’s something I would enjoy or that I’d benefit from, then I go.)
Family time standards
I could busy myself behind a computer screen forever and ever (the work never stops), and the husband is rarely home. So it’s imperative for us to have some family time standards in place. That can mean whatever you need it to for your family. If you need some inspiration, answer these questions:
Family Time Standards:
> When? Where? What? (For us it used to be Friday night and Sunday night dinners. Typically at home. We usually followed dinner with our weekly shows on DVR.)
>Are phones allowed?
>What’s the protocol if someone can’t make it or it has to get rescheduled?
>What’s considered a valid reason to reschedule?
Balance & Joy Protectors
Remember when I said half the battle to living a more joyful life was knowing what you want? That applies here, too. Make a list of all the things that make you feel joyful, peaceful, relaxed, inspired, encouraged, loved and create space for them. Life cannot be all about our obligations. I’ve been there, done that, and let me just say you should avoid that existence like the plague. In reality? You’ll likely get sick from living that way anyway. I did.
Maybe those things include reading, exercising, going to the movies, taking a cooking class, participating in a wine by design night, spending time with friends, etc. Whatever it is, schedule it into your calendar and place boundaries around it. Make these things as non-negotiable as your yearly gyno exam. (Sorry, but hey! This is important)!
Balance comes from intention. You will never find balance if you’re waiting for it to appear in the midst of all the obligations. Carve out time for joy, protect it, and balance will come.
Happy fresh start!
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Well, hello! So, things are going to be shifting and changing here in this space. I really really enjoy writing helpful lifestyle content about productivity, faith, and boundaries–so that won’t necessarily be going anywhere. But I literally spend most of my day writing for other companies–using their brand voices, showcasing their expertise, and flexing that writing muscle. And when I’m not doing that (or coaching clients on how to implement and enforce their own boundaries), I’m working on the book. So like, I just kind of want to show up here as Joey. Not Joey the Content Creator. Not Joey the Coach. Not Joey the Author; just Joey.
A lot has changed for me in the last six months–and if I’m being totally transparent, those changes kind of spun me into a season of insecurity. You know, it happens. So it was just easier for me to show up here In Business Mode–my invisibility cloak of choice. But I’m feeling a lot more like myself these days, so we’re flinging that thing off. Everyone okay with that? Good.
Anyway, let’s move on to the point of today’s post. I had a friend confess to me last week that she’s been struggling with stress and anxiety when it comes to balancing All The Things. For her, that’s a new role at work, her home life, her sanity, and dun dun dun…her family.
We chatted for a bit about the importance of implementing some boundaries for balance when she confessed something else. It feels like I’m being super selfish.
Oof.
Tell me that didn’t just send a familiar punch to your gut? Because girlllll, don’t I get it. Those of us who need boundaries the most are the ones who will literally give all of ourselves away and leave nothing for us. So, let’s chat a little about personal boundaries for balance.
First things first: why boundaries aren’t selfish
This is honestly something I’ve heard from every. single. person I’ve coached. So many of us struggle with the idea of drawing the line when things make us uncomfortable for fear of inconveniencing or upsetting someone else. Y’all. That’s aproblem. Listen here when I say this, and listen good.
Boundaries are a statement of self-esteem and self-respect. Setting boundaries is honorable and something you should be proud to do.
They are vital for mutually respectful, supportive, and genuinely caring relationships.
By setting boundaries, you show others that you respect yourself and therefore give them the proper structure in which to show you that respect.
I’m not really sure when it became trendy to be a doormat, but I’ve spent enough time underneath other people’s feet to tell you that’s no way to live. You have to take care of yourself. And self-care isn’t all bubble baths and face masks (though I mean, those are fun and also important). Self-care is making sure you’re doing what it takes to protect your well-being.
Personal Boundaries for Balance
Set boundaries to protect your mental space.
Alright, if I’m being totally transparent, this one is the most important in my personal life. It is so dang easy to allow everything and anything into our mental spaces, violating our minds. Setting mental boundaries is all about making intentional decisions about what you allow into your headspace. Yup, that’s right. You get a say. We all have a mental capacity–and if you don’t set any boundaries, imagine how easy it is for the world to fill up your mental space, leaving nothing left.
That’s when we start to feel mentally overwhelmed. I know you’ve experienced that feeling before. You know, where everything feels like too much but you can’t exactly pinpoint what because you’re not really doing anything that should trigger those feelings. You’re at mental capacity. Time to take out the trash.
Limit your social media consumption
FILTER your social media feeds
Place boundaries around your tv watching time
Monitor and limit your media consumption
Implement a boundary to protect time to read actual books
Carve time into your schedule for meditation, journaling or light exercise to keep your head clear
Set boundaries to protect your environment.
This one will be more important to some than others. I’m the type of person who easily spirals into chaos if my physical environment is out of whack. So in order for me to keep balance, it’s imperative that I set the proper boundaries to protect my environment and keep it in tip-top shape.
Establish a cleanliness & tidiness threshold then create a cleaning schedule that ensures you won’t cross into the danger zone
Implement visitor hours for the household
Determine if you’re a pet household or not. If so, establish those guidelines to protect your environment (are they allowed on the furniture, in the kitchen, etc.)
Set boundaries to protect your relationships.
Ah, this one is probably the trickiest one for most of us. It puts us in a position where we might disappoint others. And guys, that’s okay. When you look at relationship boundaries as a tool to protect the relationships that mean the most to you–it might make things easier. I have literally lost friends because I didn’t implement the right boundaries to protect myself in our relationship and the only way to fix it was to remove myself from the situation. You, your friends, and your family deserve better than that.
Establish communication boundaries. Maybe you have a standing phone date with your mom while you go for Monday evening walk. Maybe you meet your best friend for a drink every 3rd Thursday. Maybe you know no matter what, you turn off your phone every Wednesday evening to watch your favorite show interruption free. Putting communication boundaries in place helps to manage expectations and eliminate guilt and resentment.
Set guidelines for how you speak to one another. Teasing and roasting can be fun, but everyone has a threshold.
Set boundaries around the expectations in the relationship. What do you expect from them and what do they expect from you.
Finding balance, when you get to the heart of it, is all about knowing yourself and your limits. If we do the work up front to really get to know ourselves and figure out where we stand, it’s easier to set up some boundaries to manage our personal lives.
It was late summer 2017. My heart was pulsing so hard in my throat I thought it might choke me. You need to take a break, my best friend said to me on the phone. She was using her former retail manager voice, and my instincts said to obey. But I knew I couldn’t.
That’s impossible, I told her through hysterics. There’s no way. I cried harder, defeat threatening. Trapped.
That’s not okay. You’re not okay.
Yeah, no kidding. She was right. That wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay. I’d worked myself into the ground. I’d yessed my way into a miserable life. People pleasing: my poison of choice put me on the fast track to a breakdown. I’d done this to myself. And something I’ve discovered as a recovering boundaryless people pleaser is that I am definitely not alone.
Like a secret, underground misery breeding fight club, we’re all suffering and no one talks about it. And because we’re all programmed to be FINE, OMG SO FINE, shutting down the charade and admitting that we’re having a hard time feels impossible. So if you’re teetering on the edge, you might be relieved to hear that fixing this issue can be as basic as implementing some strategic boundaries. So, let’s chat about the tell-tell signs that you may need some boundaries.
How do you know if you need boundaries?
You’re feeling overwhelmed
Chances are you have a lot on your plate. And that’s totally fine! In many cases, it’s a wonderful sign of growth–whether you’re a business owner, a committed employee, or a woman in charge at home. But if you start to feel overwhelmed, that’s a sign that you need to implement a boundary or two.
Boundaries, in most cases, offer structure. They allow for you to live your life and operate your business within healthy perimeters that protect your wellbeing. So feeling overwhelmed can tell you a few things:
You need to have a heart to heart with yourself to get real about your capacity.
You need to introduce more specific structure to your day to offer you the appropriate amount of time necessary to focus in on your tasks at hand.
You need to get very specific about what you should and should not take on.
You feel resentful
This one is my personal boundary compass. I tend to yes my way into things to seem accommodating but then I immediately regret my choice. And then I’m met with my good friend resentment. This taught me that I needed to get real clear on a few things:
I needed to come to terms with why I felt compelled to agree to things that I didn’t actually want to do.
I needed to get comfortable with the graceful letdown.
I needed to learn not to just pipe up and take on responsibility for things just because.
You feel out of control
When things start to feel like they’re out of your hands in your own life, that’s a clear sign that boundaries are necessary. You are 100% in charge of everything that comes into and out of your life. Sure, we all encounter things we’d rather not–but those things come our way based on decisions we’ve made. I don’t always love that I can’t force my husband not to fall asleep on the couch each night–but I chose to marry him, so… 😉 (Jokes, but really–you get my point).
If things are feeling completely out of control, that’s a good sign you need to introduce some boundaries. You should be able to live your life each day on offense, not on defense.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these signs?
Acknowledging the need for boundaries is a huge first step. I know I lived in a state of denial for a really long time because once I knew I needed boundaries, that meant I needed to learn how to implement them. If that’s you, and you’re feeling a little lost, get in touch. I offer boundary coaching, and your first 30-minute session is free!
