Battling The Inadequacy: Self-Esteem & Confidence
by Joey | Nov 17, 2015 | Throwback |
I’ve always dealt with some confidence and self-esteem issues. Nothing catastrophic, but there’s always been this nagging voice in the back of mind telling me that I’m inadequate. I can usually ignore it, squash it, but not always. And then finally I got fed up, and I started to dig around, trying to find the source.
It took me some time to find the root of the issue, and when I finally did, my heart sank a little.
For many years, I had a person in my life who was an expert at subtly dragging me down. They were disguised as a friend but their words and actions proved over the years that they were anything but. Looking back on the friendship now, it all seems so obvious, but I was blinded by who I thought they were. I can pinpoint moments that I literally ate the garbage they fed me, fueling this ever constant battle I faced with confidence and self-esteem.
You see, I thought this person was perfect. They had everything I didn’t. Where I was a mess, they were organized and together. Where I was stupid, they were smart. Where I was plain, they sparkled. That alone will leave a person feeling inadequate. You can never measure up to a person like that. My opinion of them was evident in the way I treated them. But the thing is, I treat all my friends the same. Once I’m in, I’m all in. But they saw this loyalty and insecurity, and they became a parasite.
A parasite is a living being who lives off other living beings,
sucking their energy
without any useful contribution in return,
hurting their host little by little.
Sound familiar? I hope not. The truth is, though, that many of us are in relationships like this without ever realizing it. We suffer quietly through the effects, unsure of their source, thinking the problem is us. I was stunted, never even aware that someone was holding me down.
This person would say things to me, about me, that I believed because they solidified worries and fears I already had about myself. I gave them the power to control the way I saw myself.
A word they used often was ridiculous. If I had an idea: that’s ridiculous. If I started dancing to a song I loved: you’re ridiculous. If I expressed myself in any way: don’t be ridiculous.
Ridiculous: deserving or inviting derision or mockery; absurd.
They mocked me always. They would embarrass me in front of others, making me the butt of every joke. They never ever built me up, only ever tearing me down. They drained me. Exhausting. Looking back on it now, it’s clear to see. I’m unsure how I never saw it before, but for whatever reason, I didn’t.
The only way to escape is to stop feeding the parasite, strip it of its power. It wasn’t until I cut ties that I even realized they were holding me down.
There’d been a voice whispering in my ear for over a decade, solidifying all the worst thoughts I ever had about myself.
So here I am, nearly thirty years old learning to rebuild, finding my confidence. We all fear being cocky and arrogant, which is why we hardly ever have a good perspective of ourselves. It’s important to surround yourself with the kind of people who remind you that you are good, that you are smart, that you are enough.
Zoom out and analyze the big picture. Are you host to a parasite? Stop feeding it.
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I'm so glad that you were finally able to see it, friend. You deserve better (and much more loving & uplifting) friendships than this person was giving you! xoxo
Totally agree. I can't stand people whose only input is negative. You don't need to bring me down to pull yourself up! When I think of the beautiful friends I have who are nothing but supportive and delighted for my successes, it makes me realise how much I don't need the other type of friend. I just don't have time for it!
This is a powerful post! I'm so glad that you found the source of this, so that you can rid yourself of that parasite. I think we all encounter people like this, to varying degrees. I'm like you, once I'm in, I'm ALL in…but being around someone who makes you question your choices, or makes you feel less than for doing something differently than they do….you don't need it in your life. I dealt with someone similar to what I described and as soon as I rid my life of her, it was MUCH happier. I hope that you find that confidence now that you rid yourself of this toxic person!
You are amazing, my sweet Joey girl! I'm so glad you are digging into the root of these feelings and finding out more about yourself along the way. I know that's a hard journey though. But you are growing leaps and bounds and I could not be more proud of you! 🙂 XOXO
I love the way you write, the way you share things…thank you for this! xo, Biana –BlovedBoston
Unfortunately, this sounds familiar and like you I was able to finally recognize it and remove the negativity from my life. I just want to send the biggest set of *hugs* to you gurlie. It's so hard to get past, but remember you are beautiful, smart, successful, etc… and are more than adequate in all those things! Surround yourself with those who inspire and root for you <3
Green Fashionista
I swear you have been writing just for me lately. Being in a new place, I've realized what friends were helping and hurting me through it all. And some that I never realized before!!
I have most certainly been a host to a parasite before and I felt like you just took all the words right out of my mouth! Cheers to newfound confidence 🙂
Ugh, I feel like so many people can easily find themselves in these types of toxic relationships without even realizing it. I think it's so important to surround yourself with people who encourage you and build you up, and that might mean letting go of a friendship—which can be extra difficult if it's one you've maintained for a while. Kudos to you for recognizing what you needed!
xoxo
Kat
I am so glad you were able to figure it out, you deserve so much better than that!
Aw great post. I'm glad you were able to eventually figure out whats/who the problem was and get rid of the negativity.
This post spoke right to my heart. I, too, became a victim of a faux friend. I'm not even sure they realized they were slowly destroying my self-worth. Or maybe, again, I'm giving them too much benefit of the doubt. I don't want to believe anyone is that malicious. I've distanced myself from that person but some of her words still play in my head and I'm constantly wondering if other people think those things about me too.
I'm so glad you managed to deal with the negativity. I had a similar situation at university, where I had a 'friend' who just bought negativity into my life and ruined my self-confidence. I became so much happier once I realised this and managed to remove the negativity from my life.
Hollie | hollieshighlights.blogspot.co.uk
HA! My parasite was my father. Bad news.
My parasite was my mom. It's sad to see it this way but it's true. We all have those parasites. Sometimes forever, sometimes we fight them off. Love your writing girl!
I'm so glad you got out of that toxic relationship. No one deserves to be treated like that. I haven't had relationships like that before but can think of some that have come close.
love this post girl. i've had various parasite's through the years and you really don't fully realise it until you are away from them. i'm so glad you got out of this relationship, and you know what? there is nothing wrong with loving yourself and being secure, i hate that society has equated that with being cocky and arrogant. you can be secure without being a jerk. anyway. you're awesome. not ridiculous 🙂