I lost it this week. All of it. It started just as an over all sense of unsettledness. You know the kind that sort of seeps in when you think everything is fine and then suddenly it’s not.
All the little things were just off, creating a panicky, heavy feeling in my chest. The start of what I knew would turn into a full blown panic attack.
I’m going to be honest. I don’t do well with things not going according to plan. I don’t handle conflict or upset well. I feel everything. And I feel it deeply. I wish I didn’t, trust me. I wish I could take something at face value and let it be. But I carry everything around with me.
And lately, I’ve been trying to compartmentalize bits and pieces of myself. That gets messy. And ultimately, it’s caused me to be a less confident version of myself. Because I have a hard time keeping track. Am I the blogger today? The writer? The nanny? The wife? I was feeling unsure, second guessing decisions and curling in on myself.
And then everything came screaming into focus.
I was out to dinner with my girlfriends on Wednesday after a really, really long day. The day itself had been good, despite its challenges. But I was tired and sharing my heart. I started to feel the weight lift, as it usually does with my girlfriends.
I got a text from my mom. I haven’t shared here, but my dad isn’t in good health. It’s been a long, hard journey the last few years, and a text from her that late in the evening isn’t usually good news. I braced myself, but nothing could have prepared me.
My nine year old niece had to call 911 on my sister on Wednesday. The circumstances aren’t mine to share, but ultimately my sister was rushed to the hospital and spent a few days in ICU.
If there’s one thing in this life that I know for sure it’s that we never know what’s around the next corner. We’re fragile and break easily. Our hearts. Our minds. Our bodies. Even the strongest people aren’t immune.
My sister is one of those strong people. She’s the feisty one who balances and manages the many loud personalities in our family. She’s the one who doesn’t bat an eye at a cold, who is always on the go, and who is constantly taking care of others, usually putting herself last. In fact, I’m not sure the girl has ever taken a true sick day in her life.
And you guys? There are few things in life that will shut those stupid voices inside your head, the ones creating problems out of nothing, than the worry that engulfs your heart when someone you love isn’t okay.
I slipped into a fog. I left the dry cleaner without the bag. I forgot to answer all the stupid questions on a credit card machine, just grabbing my stuff and walking out mid transaction completely unaware. I sat at the exit gate of our complex long enough that it closed again.
I wish I had something profound to leave you with. That’s what we do, right? We share our struggles and then the lesson learned.
My sister has been moved from ICU, thankfully, though there are still some unknowns. And all those little worries that polluted my mind earlier in the week are still in there, somewhere, behind the all consuming worry for my sister.
And honestly, I just felt like sharing. Because this is what my week really looked like. It’s not a picture of a Starbucks cup or a manicure, instead it’s a snapshot of the inside of my mind.
I know everyone says blogging is changing, evolving, that it’s dead. But for me, it will always just be the place to share. The good. The bad. The ugly and the scary.
This week was ugly and scary.
But somehow, we get through it all. We reach inside, see through the fog, and keep breathing.
Thinking of you and your family!
I'm glad you shared this. You're in my thoughts, friend! xo
Thinking of you and your family <3
Thinking of you! I hope this next week gets a bit better and your sister makes a full recovery 🙂
Wishing the best for your sister and family!
thinking of you and completely understanding. I think it must be the alignment of the planets, as my week has been similar and the feeling you describe is exactly what I have been feeling but didn't have the words to describe. thank you.
This is beautiful and I'm glad you shared this. I'm so sorry for your week. Prayers to your sister and your family. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you and your family. I was thinking yesterday about how easy it is for life to go on around you when something is going so wrong in your own life. All you can see is the thing that's not ok, but for everyone else life goes on. Glad you got some time to decompress!
Praying for you and your family!
Oh, no. A family member in trouble is the most distracting thing on earth. I'm praying for you and your family.
I am so sorry!! I hope you are doing okay, and feel free to write as much as needed. I do believe it's therapeutic. Blogging is not dead… sending love xox
Sending lots of good thoughts to you and your family!
Having a place to share – regardless of what you are sharing is important. You are in my thoughts – and so is your sister and entire family. Hang in there!
So sorry to hear about your sister. I hope that everything is ok. I will be sending you and your family best wishes and hugs.
So sorry to hear about your sister—sending so many loving thoughts and prayers to you and your family, friend!
xoxo
Kat
I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are dealing with some tough stuff. I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts.
Oh gosh, girl. I know how that must feel. Sort of. I'm so sorry and I know there's not a lot I can do but know I am here if you need to talk or vent or what not. When I saw those three words I had to stop reading…for about five seconds. I don't like to see ICU. I don't like to be in ICU. It reminds me of my dark months this summer and I know it's never ever fun to hear that a loved one was rushed to the ICU. I'm sending you a big hug…not just to you but to your whole family. Praying for your sister and thinking of all of you.
i'm so sorry girl. i hope your sister and your father are well. if there's anything i can do, let me know. big hugs xxx