by Joey | Jan 5, 2016 | Throwback
I don’t know how to start this except to just say what I have to say. When I first started this blog, it was to document my life. And whether I want to remember all of this or not, it’s happening. It’s real. And I’m lost in a fog of emotions. When I’m absent from this space, I get messages and emails asking if I’m okay. And for now, I will probably be absent. I have some pre-written content, but I’m hesitant to even put that up because my heart is in such a fragile place. And while I’m okay, I am not okay.
My dad is sick. I’ve never written those words on this blog. But in early 2014, he was diagnosed with a rare, incurable autoimmune disease. After a sudden rush of symptoms over the course of six months, it seemed his team of doctors had things moderately under control.
“When your kids google this disease,” the doctor told my mother all those months ago “they’re going to see a life expectancy of five years. That is old information,” he assured her.
He was diagnosed 1.5 years ago. And on Sunday morning, after all of my siblings and I rushed from all over the US to be with my family over the weekend, I hugged my dad, looked him in the eye, told him thank you and I love you before I got in my car and drove the excruciating 2.5 hours back home. That could very well be the last moment I will ever have with my dad.
The day after Christmas, we called 911. After an onslaught of new symptoms, he’s declined rapidly over the last few weeks. And last week, my siblings and I got the message from my mom that we were all dreading.
At this time his condition has worsened, and the doctors are out of ideas.
And the truth is, you guys, you can think you’re so prepared. You can think there will be a sweet release in the ending of a battle. But as I told my family over the weekend, we’ve done this, loss, a hundred different ways, and it sucks every single way.
I am forever grateful that my siblings and I had the opportunity to be all together this weekend, to lean on each other. To be one whole family for what is very realistically the last time.
Change and loss are always inevitable. And as my sister very profoundly expressed everybody loses their dad. But that doesn’t make it any easier. That doesn’t cushion the blow. That doesn’t make it easier to see him decline so rapidly.
And now, every time the phone rings, my heart stops.
If you’ll please keep my family, especially my mother and father in your thoughts and prayers, I would be forever grateful. And in the meantime, I may or may not be here. Part of me feels like I want to continue on as normal until normal isn’t normal anymore, if that makes any sense. But I guess ultimately, I have to do whatever feels right in my heart. And as of this second, I’m not sure what that is. But either way, I felt compelled to share.
Because this is real life, friends.
by Joey | Dec 31, 2015 | Throwback
You’ve been here, so you know. But in case some of you are new, let me break it down for you. This year, to date, has been the hardest yet. There’s been a lot of fun, excitement, and joy mixed in, sure. But at the root, at its core, 2015 kicked. our. ass.
In early December, 2014, everything changed. A life we’d been building, growing, and thriving in was ripped away from us out of the blue. Something we’d relied so heavily on for years, something we’d found a great bit of comfort in, football, was suddenly out the window, and we were left standing stunned and numb, without a single clue what 2015 would end up looking like for us.
Without anywhere else to turn, I took the reigns and threw everything we had into God. I tried to find the reasons and the lessons, trusting God an His plan for our lives. Despite being absolutely terrified, I had an odd sense of peace and confidence that everything would be okay in the end.
This year has looked different in many, many ways. And to be quite honest, every time we thought we had our footing, the rug would be ripped from underneath us and we’d be left scrambling again. But if we zoom out and take a look at the big picture, it’s abundantly clear that God had his hands all over this.
There were some great lessons to be learned this year. Chief among them, never say never. As I drove out of Charlotte back in March, 2013, I sobbed. It was like a bad breakup scene. I loved Charlotte, and I loved the little life we had here. And we knew, without a doubt, that in our football driven lives, we wouldn’t ever be back. A hard truth to swallow, but I made my peace and moved forward. But when 2015 was just barely underway, we made the impossible happen. Back to Charlotte we went, in kind of a rush no less.
But then the devil got his hands on us. And I’m here to tell you this, the devil doesn’t look like you’d expect him to. No. He’s dressed up like everything you’ve ever wanted, disguised in stability and wealth, then drops you flat on your face. We escaped narrowly and only by the hands and help of people who love us more than they love themselves. I don’t know how to describe it necessarily, but there’s an overall stinging feeling throughout your body when you’re in the throws of something you know in your gut isn’t right. Try to listen to that feeling. Trust your gut.
The truth is, we don’t regret anything that happened this year despite how hard it all was. We learned a lot about ourselves, about what we want and what we don’t. We learned that we actually can make it through anything. In our vows, we promised for better or worse. We’ve seen our fair share of both in our short marriage, but 2015 will definitely go down in the record books as one of our hardest years.
We’ve made it onto the other side. We never let ourselves get too comfortable because one thing we know for sure is anything and everything can change on a dime. But as this year winds down and wraps up, I have to say I’m proud. I’m proud of how we survived. I’m humbled by those who helped us along the way. And good God almighty, I’m ready for 2016!
And just to add some humor to this otherwise heavy post, this about sums up our 2015, don’tcha think.
by Joey | Dec 28, 2015 | Throwback
My family is held together with glue. She’s often clear, transparent, unobtrusive. Reliable and sturdy, always hard at work keeping us all together despite the miles and mistakes. She’s never weak, never falters. We call her Mom.
Traditions change, bend, break. But the glue is always there, steadfast.
We’ve fought over Christmas trees, a teenage meltdown for the books–a chapter closing on tradition. We’ve balanced, fighting painted-shut windows to hang the wreaths. We’ve collected angels, loved ones we carry now only in our hearts. We’ve survived ice storms, the birds in the window our only entertainment. We’ve sipped coffee on the porch, watching the family of deer grow, her new friends.
This year we wanted to give her, the glue that keeps us all together, a gift that symbolized all the memories she’s given us.
Stories. Moments. Memories.
Collect them all.
by Joey | Dec 24, 2015 | Throwback
The exhaustion is real, my friends.
Therefore, there isn’t much from me today.
Instead, I’d like to wish you all
A VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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by Joey | Dec 17, 2015 | Throwback
This week is going by too quickly. It’s been a busy one, which has been good because at least its kept my mind off Thursday night.
>>What’s happening Thursday night? Oh, yeah. So the apartment complex I live in hired me to be the photographer for an event they’re hosting. I’ll let that sit with you for a moment. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I’m excited slash super effing nervous. I know it’ll be just fine; I know how to take pictures. But this is the first time I’ve been hired to do it. I’m rollin’ with it.
>> This year’s Christmas is officially sponsored by Amazon Prime. Okay, no, not actually. I mean hey, Amazon…if you want to sponsor me, I won’t say no. But I have done 99% of our shopping on Prime. I was using my sister’s account, but I went ahead and signed up for our 30 day free trial (and I’m pretty sure we’ll purchase it afterwards) so that J could use it to. Life. Saver.
>> Lauren tweeted a few days ago that because of adult coloring books, Crayola colored pencils are the Tickle Me Elmo of 2015. She was totally right. I gave one of those for a brunch white elephant gift along with a Starbucks gift card and what were supposed to be colored pencils (tell me that doesn’t sound like a perfect relaxing outing?) but I couldn’t find the pencils anywhere! I finally stumbled across a set of erasable ones that were more expensive that I wanted to pay, but what was I going to do at that point? Supply and demand, supply and demand. Sheesh!
>> Blogging has been and will be sporadic until the New Year. I’d apologize for it, but I’m not sorry. I do appreciate that you all hang around here though, and I do want you to know what to expect. Stuff & Things will be happening every week regardless of anything else. But posts will be here and there until the first week of 2016 (let it be known that I only caught this when I was editing. I’d initially written 2015. D’oh). Go! Enjoy this time with your families and friends! We’ll all be here after the New Year, right?
>> ATA and I did our gift exchange and sushi date tonight (Wednesday, as I’m typing this) and I’m so glad we made time to sneak this in before she heads off to NY for xmas break. Can I just say I think Nannies need an Xmas break, too. In fact, I think anyone who works with kids need a good 2 weeks off. Instead, I’ll be working extended hours. But anyway! J managed to find a Luke Keuchly jersey on super duper sale and insisted we grab it for her. Good choice, husband, she loved it!
>> I’m getting back into my running groove and it’s been so good. I’m trying to get back into my every other day habit. My life just makes more sense when I’m running. I was terribly confused, though, when my fitbit buzzed on me at 3PM today. Oh. Duh. I went for a run this morning!
Okay friends, that’s it for me today.
