by Joey | Feb 23, 2016 | Throwback
I was starting to lose myself. It was happening quietly. Slowly. Little by little. A yes here. A yes there. And before I knew it, I was gone. The parts I loved about myself, the parts I loved about my life, I’d stopped making the time for. I was too busy.
I spend all of my time doing for others. I don’t say that selflessly. It’s just the way my life has been set up, and that’s okay. I’m a people serving kind of person, I always have been, I hope I always am.
But there’s a balance in a life like that, there has to be. Boundaries are set for good reason. The things I kept sacred, protected, I stopped making a priority. The more full my days became, the less I felt like myself.
When that happens, it’s hard to pinpoint why exactly you don’t feel right. It’s shocking how sly life is, creeping in, sucking away your identity leaving you feeling lost and empty. I didn’t know what was wrong.
I made vegetable soup last week because I wanted it. And on Saturday night, I got it in my head to make an old pasta dish that J and I used to love. Two hours into the process, J finally asked. Why are you cooking again? We could have just gone out. I didn’t have an answer. I just wanted to.
Then on Sunday, I made the time to get back into the gym. I came home and ate the pasta I’d made the night before, followed by a bowl of the soup I’d made.
I felt like myself. I felt happy and satisfied. Content. And it was then that it hit me. I stopped making time for those things. They seemed unnecessary in the business of my life, so they got cut. It seemed harmless enough, but it turns out prepping meals for my little family in my little kitchen is important to me.
I let life get to the point that the things I used to enjoy became chores. That was my fault. I let life get that way.
That’s not okay. That’s never okay. You wouldn’t let someone else down like that, would you? You wouldn’t nix something from your daily todo that someone else was relying on you for. At least if you’re anything like me, you wouldn’t. So why was it acceptable for me to eliminate all of the things that made me happy? Because I stopped putting myself first. I’d stopped putting myself second. I’d stopped considering myself at all.
It’s no wonder that everything started to feel like work. I stopped treating myself like a person.
It’s hard to balance, I’ll admit. I work a full-time job balancing someone else’s life, and I chase dreams full-time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But the second I stop treating myself like a person is the second it all becomes wrong.
So I ask you this. What do you do for you? What makes you feel like a person? What causes you to sit down at the end of the day and breathe a happy, contented sigh of relief?
For me? That’s cooking. It’s keeping my little apartment looking like a home. It’s smashing it at the gym. Sometimes it’s putting in my earbuds and coloring, letting my creativity float around. It’s journaling; it’s reading. It’s writing. It’s taking an hour to myself in the morning with my coffee and youtube.
So tell me
what do you do for you?
by Joey | Feb 18, 2016 | Throwback
It’s been an off week–one where everything has felt harder than it needs to be. So instead of sitting here having a pity party for myself, I’ve decided to think about all the things that make my life easier when I feel like everything is just too hard.
Setting the coffee pot the night before. If you’re anything like me, you need all incentives to get yourself out of bed, especially at the ungodly time my alarm sounds (cough, 5, cough).
Buffer. If you’re a blogger who still works a full-time job, you need buffer. Actually, if you’re a blogger in any capacity, you need buffer. I felt a bit icky about scheduling tweets out, but I’ve made an intentional practice of mixing my scheduled content (hello, sharing blog posts) with in-real-time tweets. Do you want a post on how I use this?
Long wearing nail polish. I don’t even feel like Joey with this one, but I never have time to paint my nails anymore. But I like to have my nails painted. I love my Sensationail Gel kit, but I’m picky about how long I let my nails get–so that’s a little too long wearing. I’ve been relying heavily on Julep lately. I picked up a new Revlon Gel Envy polish just because I liked the color–and that baby is still going strong 6 days in. Not a single chip. I just used it with my standard Seche Vite, not the partnered top coat.
Asking for help. I’m a I can and will do it all myself girl. I always have been. But I forget sometimes that one major blessing that comes from marriage is having a partner. I’ve made a point to ask for help when I need it. Our neighbor also had us take that Love Language test–and I got Acts of Service (duh), so when I came home from being out of town on Sunday to find J scrubbing our shower, I could have melted into a puddle of love.
The TKO fitness running band. I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t taken this on a run yet (yes, I’m that girl who runs with her phone in her hand, so I know this will come in handy), but what I
have used it for is work. The first several hours of my work day are kid-free doing house-management tasks. I tend to listen to an audiobook or a podcast–but I don’t always have pockets (hello, yoga pants). This baby has saved me from having to shove my phone in my bra. It’s super comfortable and very easy to remove for all those pee breaks.
You already know how I feel about Wunderlist. But it’s worth mentioning again in case you missed it.
My Apple Watch. I promise I have a detailed post on how this makes my life easier coming soon–but if you’ve been on the fence about it–I totally and completely recommend it. My 2 biggest concerns were 1) it’d be too heavy and 2) it’d be too large for my wrist. I’m picky about wearing stuff on my wrists which is why I liked the fitbit flex–it was small and practically weightless. I forget I have my watch on almost all the time.
Saying no. Do it. It’s so super freeing.
Okay, that’s probably about it for today. What are some things that make YOUR life easier?
by Joey | Feb 17, 2016 | Throwback
“I’m okay,” I say.
Sometimes it’s the truth. Sometimes I’m trying to convince myself it’s the truth. Sometimes it’s a lie. And sometimes, most of the time, it’s D) all of the above.
If I’m being honest, it’s easy to exist in a world where I let myself forget. Life is busy. Work is busy. Everything is busy. I’m 2.5 hours from home, where I haven’t been since I hung my black dress in the back window of a car I no longer own and drove away.
And truthfully, we live in a society that frowns upon anything that makes people uncomfortable. It’s easier to be okay. It makes everyone feel better. It makes me feel better to be okay. And being okay is easier than admitting that I’m not. That we’re not.
There might be a million books out there that will tell me how to cope. But not a one of them would be right because we all grieve differently. And the reality is, life goes on. Things have to get handled. Decisions have to be made. And ultimately, the grief and loss gets pushed so far down that you’re actually capable of forgetting it was ever there.
Until something reminds you, and then it’s like the wind gets knocked out of you. You’re fine, you’re okay, and then you’re just not.
I had another post planned for today–but then I was looking through my instagram feed. And I came across this picture.
And I’m so embarrassed to admit this, but it took me a second, just a brief moment, but the thought crossed my mind. What were those for again? And then my stomach dropped, and I instantly felt sick. I felt sick because I remembered, but I also felt sick because I’d let myself forget–if only for a moment.
You might be wondering how one does that, forgets their dad died. You’d be surprised, friends. You’d be so surprised how quickly life just goes back to normal when you’re not in the thick of it.
We’ve been dealing with it. Handling the aftermath. Transferring the bills, calling mom, selling cars. But it’s easy to push the reason down, excuse it all away to a new season of life. But at the end of the day, the truth is the truth. Dad’s gone.
If only you knew how much work it takes not to let those words run on repeat in my head, wrecking their havoc on my world. And somewhere in between the havoc and the suppressing is a healthy balance of grieving and moving on. When do we get to that part?
I called my mom the other day, like I have almost every day since January 11th. This call was no different except that when I asked if she was okay, she said no. The tears came, and I swallowed my own.
But there’s some cosmic shift when finally, finally, you just break down those walls. You stop saying the words just to say them. The next day, I found myself waiting on a take out order with my sister, and there we sat in the restaurant, talking, crying.
I don’t have the road map. I don’t know how long this journey will take. But I do know there is peace waiting on the other side. And while we might not be able to see it just yet, I know it’s there, and I know someday we’ll get there.
Until then?
I’m okay.
by Joey | Feb 16, 2016 | Throwback
“Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life: You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored.
You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better.
You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark. You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously.
You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing.
You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree.
You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.)
You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist.
You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal.
You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons.
You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back.
You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again.
You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder.
You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder”
Elizabeth Gilbert
Big Magic
Did that passage make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? Did it make you feel violated because how can one person be so inside your head? Did it make you angry because how dare someone actually write those fears, revealing them for the world to see. We’re supposed to keep those hush hush, hidden, until they eat us alive and stop us from being creative all together. And then finally, did it make you want to collapse into a puddle of tears on to the floor from the relief of the weight sitting on your shoulders?
It did? Okay, good. Because that’s exactly how I felt when I heard that passage. I just finished listening to Big Magic last week. I tend to steer clear of the overly hyped up books for so long that by time I read them, they’re irrelevant or the entire world has moved on to something else. But something forced me to get it with my Audible credit.
There’s something in here for you, Joey.
You need this.
I don’t want to admit it because no one does. But I’m scared almost all of the time. These projects I’m working on feel like a slow strip down, exposing everything. They’re projects that have been sitting on my heart for a really, really long time, but I ignored them. I told myself I wouldn’t, no, couldn’t because they felt too personal.
But isn’t that kind of the point of our work? To put out what people will relate to? And what can people relate to more than the truth? Than to what’s real? If it’s real for you, then it’s real for someone else, too.
The fear is always going to be there. At least for me it’s going to be. I’m just a scared person. But life will be a lot more fun and exciting if I just push it down, ignore it instead of my ideas. Because the fear isn’t real. The fear is a trick our brain plays on us telling us we aren’t good enough.
Who’s to say?
Exactly.
I don’t like the expression
do something every day that scares you. I have anxiety and that sounds like an exhausting way to live. But if what you love doing scares you just a little bit? I think that’s just a gentle reminder that what you’re doing is important.
So do it.
That doesn’t mean you need to quit your job. It doesn’t mean you need to up and move. It doesn’t mean a whole lot of anything except that you should just find a way to incorporate what you love into your life. And if something comes of it, that’s amazing. But don’t put that kind of pressure on your creativity. Take care of yourself. Take care of your creativity. And amazing things will happen.
I’m sure of it.
by Joey | Feb 11, 2016 | Throwback
What I really want to say to you here is this: I’m too lazy to make the commitment. I’m hesitant to make the decision to try because it sounds like a lot of work. And I have such little free time these days that I’m feeling less motivated to spend that free time being active. Because really? I’d much rather sit in a bath and binge watch Netflix.
Which is ridiculous because I’m not even currently binging a particular show. In fact, I sit more frequently with something just on while messing with my phone. So in other words, it’s a colossal waste of time.
I’m saying all of this to you now because I’m trying to convince myself to try something. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a fitness challenge. Now, before you fall out of your chair laughing or click out thinking this is going to be some weight loss driven motivational post, it’s not.
In January 2015, I challenged myself to run 40 miles in a month. The whole purpose was to just do it. To see if I could. It wasn’t to lose weight. It wasn’t to become a better runner. It wasn’t to feel good about myself, though all of those things did happen (except the losing weight part–I work very hard to make sure that doesn’t happen). It was just to do it. To shake things up. To pull myself out of whatever boring habits and routine I had.
And I’ll be honest, I’ve been dreading writing this and putting it out there because then I know I just have to do it. Because I don’t entertain the idea of failure when I put my mind to something. Especially something I’m perfectly capable of doing. Failing because you simply can’t is one thing, or because you’re learning is another. But failing because you’re just too lazy? Yeah. I don’t do that shit.
At least I try not to.
So here it is, I guess. For the next 30 days, I will be active for at least 20 minutes every single day.
I am not setting myself up for failure here. I won’t commit to run every day. I won’t commit to just one thing, I get bored too easily. And I know there will be days when I’m just completely exhausted.
But I can commit to doing something.
I can commit to running.
I can commit to practicing yoga (I have wanted to give this a try).
I can commit to trying pilates (ditto the yoga thing).
I can commit to going for a nice walk.
So there you have it. It’s out there now, on the interwebs. Which means I actually have to do it. Anyone care to do it with me?
Oh, yeah. It starts today. So good luck!
Are you with me?
