“I’m okay,” I say.
Sometimes it’s the truth. Sometimes I’m trying to convince myself it’s the truth. Sometimes it’s a lie. And sometimes, most of the time, it’s D) all of the above.
If I’m being honest, it’s easy to exist in a world where I let myself forget. Life is busy. Work is busy. Everything is busy. I’m 2.5 hours from home, where I haven’t been since I hung my black dress in the back window of a car I no longer own and drove away.
And truthfully, we live in a society that frowns upon anything that makes people uncomfortable. It’s easier to be okay. It makes everyone feel better. It makes me feel better to be okay. And being okay is easier than admitting that I’m not. That we’re not.
There might be a million books out there that will tell me how to cope. But not a one of them would be right because we all grieve differently. And the reality is, life goes on. Things have to get handled. Decisions have to be made. And ultimately, the grief and loss gets pushed so far down that you’re actually capable of forgetting it was ever there.
Until something reminds you, and then it’s like the wind gets knocked out of you. You’re fine, you’re okay, and then you’re just not.
I had another post planned for today–but then I was looking through my instagram feed. And I came across this picture.
And I’m so embarrassed to admit this, but it took me a second, just a brief moment, but the thought crossed my mind. What were those for again? And then my stomach dropped, and I instantly felt sick. I felt sick because I remembered, but I also felt sick because I’d let myself forget–if only for a moment.
You might be wondering how one does that, forgets their dad died. You’d be surprised, friends. You’d be so surprised how quickly life just goes back to normal when you’re not in the thick of it.
We’ve been dealing with it. Handling the aftermath. Transferring the bills, calling mom, selling cars. But it’s easy to push the reason down, excuse it all away to a new season of life. But at the end of the day, the truth is the truth. Dad’s gone.
If only you knew how much work it takes not to let those words run on repeat in my head, wrecking their havoc on my world. And somewhere in between the havoc and the suppressing is a healthy balance of grieving and moving on. When do we get to that part?
I called my mom the other day, like I have almost every day since January 11th. This call was no different except that when I asked if she was okay, she said no. The tears came, and I swallowed my own.
But there’s some cosmic shift when finally, finally, you just break down those walls. You stop saying the words just to say them. The next day, I found myself waiting on a take out order with my sister, and there we sat in the restaurant, talking, crying.
I don’t have the road map. I don’t know how long this journey will take. But I do know there is peace waiting on the other side. And while we might not be able to see it just yet, I know it’s there, and I know someday we’ll get there.
Until then?
I’m okay.
I know exactly how you feel, it is so odd that someone so close to you is gone and life just seems to go on without them. Still to this day I feel guilty when I forget for a moment that I lost my mom but I have to tell myself she wouldn't want me to be thinking about her being gone 24/7 and it is her easing my pain giving me that brief moment that I let my slip that she was gone.
This journey is yours and you take all the time that you need to heal and process. Sending lots of love your way.
Thinking of you and your family. Thanks for your honesty of the ups and downs, the moments that catch you off guard and the harsh reality of grief. Surround yourself with the people you love and take things one day at a time 🙂
Oh my goodness Joey, I am so thankful for these words. Not at all thankful that you are feeling these things, but I am reassured by your honesty. I know people have told you, I'm sure, that these are normal feelings. Smack dab in the middle of wedding planning I can tell you that I often get lost and forget that my mom won't be there, but then just as often I am reminded she's not here. It's a weird place to be. They say it gets easier with time, and I know it will for us both. I haven't been blogging at all so I hate that I haven't been checking up on you either. Give yourself grace in the moments when you don't feel okay. It's hard to do, but you deserve it. XOXO sending you the biggest of hugs!
hugs girl. i wish i had some helpful words, or could do or say anything to make this horrible thing not so horrible. thinking of you xoxox
I think that's exactly what grief is like. You DO forget simply because you are going on with your life. Some moments you feel fine and in others a thought, memory, or something reminds you. And it IS hard. And it IS ok. It will get better in time, and no one expects you to be there yet! Hugs and continued prayers, my friend!
It's alright to not be okay my friend. This is one of the hardest times in your life. But I totally understand, sometimes we forget bc it helps. It's always sounds weird to me when people say this but it's true…..it will get easier.
I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better but I cant. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is so hard. I cant even begin to imagine how you feel right now so I am just going to send you hugs.
Beautiful post. I have been there and understand the "forgetting" and then rehashing and the time of purgatory for things to make sense again. Hugs. xo Amanda
I've been thinking about this since I read it yesterday. Today is my sister's birthday and three years ago on her birthday my Grandfather was diagnosed with liver cancer. It was such a quick illness for him, he passed in April of that year, and sometimes it still doesn't feel like it happened. I'll go home to visit and think why didn't Grandaddy turn on the outside light? Thinking of you and your family!
Thank you for writing this; it's very similar to how I'm feeling. So many parts of this struck an unpleasant chord – the black dress, life going on, and the bewildering lack of a roadmap. Thank you for sharing because I'm glad to know it's not just me, but on the other hand I'm so very sorry you have to go through this as well. Prayers for you and your family.
I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through but know that I am praying for you <3
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