by Joey | Nov 19, 2018 | Real Life
I have really fond memories of Christmas from my childhood. My mother always put up an elaborate village, we had two Christmas trees, and Christmas break seemed to last forever. But as I’ve gotten older, there’s an ever-present longing for that magic and joy. It’s so easy to slip into routine. Holidays in our house tend to come and go without much fanfare. Things like “oh, is it 4th of July already?” get asked while chugging down a coffee and frantically getting ready. I’ve come to learn that the magic of the season doesn’t get delivered, perfectly packaged in glitter and baked goods, in adulthood. It makes me appreciate my parents all the more — the effort they must have gone to in our childhood to make every moment of the season feel positively enchanting.
Though it’s just the two of us, Jonathan and I have made a concentrated effort to establish traditions that make the holiday special. We always watch the two Home Alones on Christmas Eve with a delivery pizza. Then we tuck the gifts we’ve bought for one another under the tree, climb into bed, and wait til morning. But on Christmas day last year, we realized we hadn’t seen the majority of the Christmas movies that help us get into the festive spirit.
Those things take effort in adulthood. We don’t find ourselves with many spare moments, moments of boredom, to fill like we did as kids. It bummed me out, if I’m honest. My favorite time of year is the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I prefer that season even over Christmas Day itself. But without intentional thought and maybe even some planning, it’s easy to let that season slip by in a rush of deadlines and frantic shopping. I didn’t want that to happen again this year.
I’m the master of todo lists. It’s sad to say, but I’m so scatterbrained these days that unless I remind myself to do something, it probably won’t get done. And if I’m completely honest, whenever I find myself with a moment to spare, I typically turn to old favorites like FRIENDS or How I Met Your Mother rather than scrolling Netflix forever. So, I decided to take action and create a Christmas Movie Bucket List.
Honestly, I was just doing this for ourselves. Writing out a master list then scheduling them into our calendars to take the guess work out of everything. But when I confessed that I was doing this on Twitter, some asked for me to share. So that’s what I’m doing! You can download our Christmas Movie Bucket List and Planner below!
by Joey | Sep 24, 2018 | Real Life
Sunday light creeped through the window, and I stirred, an arm heavy over my waist. I rolled over to face him, and he hugged me in tight.
Good morning.
In an instant, I was seventeen again, back in my sky blue room, in my tiny daybed with a phone resting against my cheek in the wee hours of the night willing myself to stay awake. The symphony of his soft breath washing away the worries of the day. He was there. I was there. And that’s all that mattered. Our lifeline to a future we could only dream about. Someday.
I wished for this. I prayed for it. I dreamt about it. Hoped for it. I tried desperately to envision it. And as I looked around the room, taking in inventory of the life we’ve built, my heart swelled. Someday is today.
Life happens fast. In a blink, we fall into routine. Monotony. Day in, day out, striving, surviving. And if we aren’t careful, we can miss the fact that we’ve gotten everything we hoped for. Every wish, every little prayer, it’s here. It’s happening. We’re living it. Him and me, we did this. We built this life. I wonder what the seventeen year old versions of ourselves would think if they’d been given a glimpse into today. He worked part of the day. I baked cookies and cleaned. The furkids napped during the afternoon storm, and we did, too.
I picked up pizza and we looked at cars online. We joked about stop lights and laughed in the rain.
We’ve seen some really, really hard times. Moments where we really only had each other. And we’ve had moments where we’ve both hit our knees in gratitude, breathless that we could ever be so blessed.
I don’t want to miss it. Any of it. This life we’ve fought for, the one we built from scratch.
by Joey | Sep 4, 2018 | Advice
My friend, who recently graduated from college, came to me the other day panicking. Someone wanted her to do something, and it was pressing in hard to one of her boundaries. She felt obligated to appease the person simply because they asked, and I just looked at her.
“I know, I know,” she sighed. “Boundaries. Why is this so hard?”
There are a lot of reasons setting and enforcing boundaries is so difficult. But it might surprise you to find out you’ve actually been living your whole life according to boundaries set in place for your protection and well-being, but now it’s your responsibility. And that’s what makes it hard.
Huh? What are you talking about?
If we change out the word “boundaries” for “rules,” “regulations,” and/or “policies,” maybe it’ll click into place a bit. Your whole life, other people have kindly placed and enforced important boundaries for you in order to keep you safe. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 (sorry Mom & Dad). We weren’t allowed to wear spaghetti strapped tank tops to school. If we missed more than 3 classes in college, we risked dropping a letter grade. We weren’t allowed to have members of the opposite sex spend the night in our dorms. Schedules and rules set by other people kept us on track.
Boundaries.
When we’re kids, our parents do a lot of the enforcing for us. But on occasion, we might have to try our hand at it. Maybe a friend spots the soda in the fridge and suggests you guys have some. “We’re not allowed, the soda is only for the adults.” Boundary enforcing.
Then we grow up a bit. We’re given the privilege to drive cars and explore the world on our own. Your friends want to go to a movie that starts at 10, but your curfew is midnight. “Sorry guys, I’ll have to sit this one out.” Boundary enforcing.
When I was a teenager, my mom gave me a very valuable gift. We were a pretty easy-going household. My mom never said no unless she had a real reason for it. Because of that, there weren’t many stand-firm rules. But when I started having trouble with friends (I was a risk-adverse kid 🤷🏻♀️), my mom sat me down. “If there’s ever anything you don’t want to do, blame it on me. Say I said no.” Independent boundary enforcing with training wheels.
But now you’re in charge, and that’s the problem.
There’s no one else to blame. There are no institutional guidelines dictating who can be where when. There are no parental rules protecting you from certain situations or people. It’s all up to you. But we’ve lived our entire lives depending on other people to set these things in place. We’ve gotten used to, for lack of a better phrase, blaming our boundaries on other people. It’s easier that way, I know.
So when we graduate college, and we’re suddenly thrust into this great big boundary-less world, we struggle. Suddenly, it’s up to us to set the proper boundaries in place for ourselves. And when it comes time to enforce them, we only have ourselves to blame. And that makes us feel selfish.
I struggled with this even when I started my company. I have specific policies in place to protect the quality of work, customer relationships, and my productivity. And when someone presses into them, I can’t use my old retail standby of “sorry, I didn’t make the rules, I just have to enforce them.” Because, well, I did make the rules. And no, I’m not changing them.
It’s uncomfortable, but it’s important.
Especially in the beginning, when you’re making the necessary changes, it’s uncomfortable. Changing what you will and will not allow will disrupt some things and ruffle some feathers. You may be called selfish and difficult. But the people who love you the most will support you even if they don’t fully understand it themselves.
The more you practice these things, the easier they become. Think about the people you know who are great at enforcing their boundaries. They likely come across as kind, friendly, and confident. And you can, too.
by Joey | Aug 28, 2018 | Advice
I have boundaries galore. In fact, my boundaries have boundaries. But the same could be said even last year–when I was on the fast track to a breakdown. The truth is, they only work if you actually enforce them. In fact, sometimes knowing your boundaries without enforcing them can actually make matters worse. So it’s critical to learn the art of politely enforcing your boundaries.
I’ll be honest. Enforcing boundaries is the hard part. It’s the part that stops most people. It’s in this stage of the process that people shut down and decide they’re just fine being miserable. It’s easier that way. The reason I know this, aside from the fact that every one of my clients has experienced it, is because I have experienced it, too. I was keenly aware of my boundaries last year. And despite that, I stood by and watched as I let every single one of them get trampled on. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: my nature is to people please.
I was the queen of dismissing my needs and wants in favor of allowing someone else to get their way. It happened automatically, subconsciously. I never once considered that what I needed or wanted could matter. I hesitate to share that because what kind of person does that make me? But it’s real, and it happened, so I would imagine there are others out there like me.
What’s the deal?
In the time that I’ve been working in the boundaries space, I’ve come to discover some trends. And the good news is, once you know these things, it’ll actually be easier for you to enforce your boundaries. We make enforcing them like this mythical superpower. Something impossible to figure out. But it’s actually quite simple once you break it down. But first, you must know the boundary kryptonite: Assuming.
We assume when someone suggests something, either a way to interact, an invitation, a topic of conversation, whatever it is, that they know our stance and are choosing to either ignore it or attack it. And guess what? They don’t. Sure, there might be some cases where that may be true, but in most, it’s not. They are simply stating what they want and/or need. It’s then up to us to communicate what we want and/or need and devise a compromise accordingly. Okay, so now that you know that, let’s get into the simple steps to politely enforce your boundaries.
How to politely enforce your boundaries
GET CLEAR & KNOW WHY
I mean, this kind of seems to go without saying, but because this step appears so simple, it often gets overlooked. We tend to work with a vague sense of what we want and need, but we rarely take the time to get ultra-specific. And in order to properly enforce your boundaries, I’m going to need you to get very clear on what those boundaries look like and why you want or need them. There are going to be times when someone challenges your boundary, so knowing the why is critical. It’s easy to give in when it’s just a senseless boundary, but when you know what it is you’re protecting and why, it makes a big difference.
BE DIRECT
We tend to send subtle hints, hoping the person we’re talking to knows us and loves us enough to just GET IT! I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. (Don’t freak, we’ve only been married 8, I wasn’t a child bride.) And it wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally got clear enough to be direct with him about a specific boundary. Let me tell you, we’ve fought over this stupid boundary the whole time we’ve been together. And every single time I’d feel invalidated, discounted, ignored. But one day, he finally said the magic words: I need you to tell me what you want. Oh. There I was getting all worked up into a fiery rage, jumping from injury to explosion without ever speaking the truth. And the thing is, I see this break down all the time in my clients. They know what they want, but they never directly communicate it. I assumed (ding ding ding) my husband knew me well enough to just KNOW what I needed and why. And y’all, I know I’m not alone here.
DITCH THE EXPLANATION
I get it, we all feel the need to overly justify why we need or want something. But don’t give in to the urge to do so. It cheapens the exchange and shatters your steady foundation. Think back to a time someone, probably a superior, enforced a boundary with you. They were likely clear, direct, and concise. Now, direct and concise is not a license to be rude. But you can leave the lengthy backstory out of the exchange. This also doesn’t mean that you can’t be honest with them. When I was freelancing, I once offered to meet someone I was interviewing at 6PM thinking I was doing them a favor by to not interfering with their workday. They simply replied, “I reserve my evenings for family time. How does 2PM on Thursday work for you?” Clear, direct, and concise.
THEIR ASK DOESN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO DO THE SAME
Like I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to get entangled in resentment and frustration when someone pitches something that challenges your boundary. I know this sort of thing used to send me into an instant spiral. I assumed (there’s that word again) that they were suggesting these things intentionally, that they knew it would press into my boundary and just didn’t care. I felt obligated to simply agree and accept. But you guys! Just like they have a right to pitch something (like I did with that person I was interviewing), you have the right to counter. It might take some back and forth, but I assure you it is unlikely that they are trying to attack you and your boundaries. Trust me, I’ve been sent into a spiral by former bosses, clients, my parents, my MIL, my husband, you name it. But since I’ve realized I had a right to state how I wanted things to go, just as they did, I’ve spent a lot less time feeling unproductively angry.
KNOW YOUR SPECTRUM OF COMPROMISE
Firm boundaries are important. But it’s also important to have a sliding spectrum in moments of compromise. It used to be that whenever someone pressed into a boundary, my only options were to concede or get them to do so. That didn’t really set me up to foster the most healthy relationships and interactions. This takes some time and reflection, but it’s so important to know what compromise looks like for you. This may mean you have varying degrees of your boundary for specific circumstances or people. But it’s vitally important that you feel peace within each level of compromise otherwise it loses its value and purpose. For instance, my spectrum of compromise looks quite different for my mother than it does for a client. My spectrum of compromise looks different in my home than it does when I’m a guest at someone else’s. Know yourself. Know what you need. Plan accordingly.
When asked in conversation, this is what I typically have to say about enforcing boundaries: Don’t take everything so personally. Stop assuming that people are intentionally trying to press into your boundaries. Offer people the benefit of the doubt. Keep calm, be clear, and be direct.
When we take hurt feelings and assumptions out of the mix, enforcing boundaries is as easy as ordering a cheeseburger. They may be out of pickles when you ask, but they’ll tell you so and offer an alternative.
by Joey | Aug 21, 2018 | Advice
Have you ever agreed to something and then almost instantly thought Oh god! No! Why did I just commit to that? You probably practiced the interaction. Promised yourself no matter what you wouldn’t get roped back in. But alas, here you are once again.
The one common trend I’ve discovered with all my clients is that each one of them is making themselves miserable pleasing everyone else. When they come to me, they’re depleted. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. And some even confess that they just feel lost. Each one approaches with a complicated story, a perfectly blended cocktail of chaos. But the root of the problem is always the same. They’re consistently disappointing themselves in favor of pleasing someone else.
Did a shiver just run down your spine? Did I press into a tender nerve? I know, it’s a hard truth to swallow. And so many of us are guilty of this exact thing. A cycle on repeat we can’t seem to escape. For some reason, we believe that what everyone else needs and wants should always be more important than what we need. We are constantly making choices based on our desire to avoid being labeled “selfish.” But joy cannot breed in a place of resentment.
Everyone is responsible for themselves
Okay, a quick disclaimer here. Unless you are a parent or designated caretaker for someone (aging parent, etc), you aren’t responsible FOR anyone else. But we are all responsible TO other people. You are responsible to your spouse, friends, parents, employers, etc in various different ways. But each person is responsible for themselves.
Under no circumstances are you responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own.
Here’s the thing about boundaries that often gets overlooked. Boundaries are simply a way to identify what is and isn’t your responsibility. Simply recognizing that does wonderful things for a shift in perspective. My favorite example to use here is the idea of a fenced in backyard. I know it’s my responsibility to mow the grass inside my own fence. My neighbor has a fence, too. And I can see his lawn. I may notice his lawn growing unruly. It may frustrate me and annoy me, but it is not my responsibility to go mow his lawn. Now, if it’s out of character for his lawn to be so overgrown, that might be a cue for me to check in on him. Is he in good health? Is a family member in the hospital? I can offer him a kindness and mow his lawn for him. But that doesn’t mean I’m then responsible to always mow his lawn moving forward.
You have your own responsibilities. And so does everyone else. It’s important to remember that when you’re suddenly feeling obligated to simplify someone else’s life for them.
But what if someone does try to push their responsibilities onto you?
Maybe that neighbor is really busy, and he’s now come to you asking if you can mow his lawn for him just this once. Your kind-hearted nature is quick to jump in and save the guy. Of course you can mow his lawn. It’s not a problem. Anything to help.
But almost instantly, you were filled with regret. You really don’t want to mow his lawn. You already have a lot on your plate and adding just one more thing, even out of the kindness of your heart, feels like too much.
Guess what? You are allowed to say no. You’re allowed to say no and not offer any kind of excuse or justification. They are allowed to ask. And you are allowed to say no. It’s as simple as that.
You have a decision to make: be perceived as good or be well.
I like to be accommodating. God forbid anyone ever call me high maintenance or selfish. Those words are triggers for me. There is no faster way to get me all up in my head, freaking out, and second-guessing everything.
I like to be the person my friends know they can come to when they need someone. I like being reliable. And saving someone in their time of need truly does wonderful things for my heart. But here’s the deal: not every person to ever enter into your life should receive this level of friendship from you. You are a good and kind-hearted person, so you likely assume, like I used to, that everyone is the same. Sadly, there are people on this planet who will take advantage of you. Whether intentionally or not, it will happen.
So when I found myself drowning in all the yesses and literally getting sick, I had to make a decision. Did I want people to perceive me as good? Or did I want to be well?
Owning your responsibilities and implementing filters around what you will and will not take on is vital to your well-being.
You have to be in your own corner.
Look, the world will be quick to let you down. I truly believe that people are innately good, but I’ve also seen enough life to know that people can disappoint us without a second thought. So if you’re not in your own corner, looking out for yourself, and protecting your well-being…who is?
Do yourself a favor and stop disappointing yourself in an attempt to protect how you’re perceived. It’s a game not worth winning. You can still be a good person and say no.
