I have boundaries galore. In fact, my boundaries have boundaries. But the same could be said even last year–when I was on the fast track to a breakdown. The truth is, they only work if you actually enforce them. In fact, sometimes knowing your boundaries without enforcing them can actually make matters worse. So it’s critical to learn the art of politely enforcing your boundaries.

I’ll be honest. Enforcing boundaries is the hard part. It’s the part that stops most people. It’s in this stage of the process that people shut down and decide they’re just fine being miserable. It’s easier that way. The reason I know this, aside from the fact that every one of my clients has experienced it, is because I have experienced it, too. I was keenly aware of my boundaries last year. And despite that, I stood by and watched as I let every single one of them get trampled on. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: my nature is to people please.

I was the queen of dismissing my needs and wants in favor of allowing someone else to get their way. It happened automatically, subconsciously. I never once considered that what I needed or wanted could matter. I hesitate to share that because what kind of person does that make me? But it’s real, and it happened, so I would imagine there are others out there like me.

What’s the deal?

In the time that I’ve been working in the boundaries space, I’ve come to discover some trends. And the good news is, once you know these things, it’ll actually be easier for you to enforce your boundaries. We make enforcing them like this mythical superpower. Something impossible to figure out. But it’s actually quite simple once you break it down. But first, you must know the boundary kryptonite: Assuming.

We assume when someone suggests something, either a way to interact, an invitation, a topic of conversation, whatever it is, that they know our stance and are choosing to either ignore it or attack it. And guess what? They don’t. Sure, there might be some cases where that may be true, but in most, it’s not. They are simply stating what they want and/or need. It’s then up to us to communicate what we want and/or need and devise a compromise accordingly. Okay, so now that you know that, let’s get into the simple steps to politely enforce your boundaries.

How to politely enforce your boundaries

GET CLEAR & KNOW WHY

I mean, this kind of seems to go without saying, but because this step appears so simple, it often gets overlooked. We tend to work with a vague sense of what we want and need, but we rarely take the time to get ultra-specific. And in order to properly enforce your boundaries, I’m going to need you to get very clear on what those boundaries look like and why you want or need them. There are going to be times when someone challenges your boundary, so knowing the why is critical. It’s easy to give in when it’s just a senseless boundary, but when you know what it is you’re protecting and why, it makes a big difference.

BE DIRECT

We tend to send subtle hints, hoping the person we’re talking to knows us and loves us enough to just GET IT! I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. (Don’t freak, we’ve only been married 8, I wasn’t a child bride.) And it wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally got clear enough to be direct with him about a specific boundary. Let me tell you, we’ve fought over this stupid boundary the whole time we’ve been together. And every single time I’d feel invalidated, discounted, ignored. But one day, he finally said the magic words: I need you to tell me what you want. Oh. There I was getting all worked up into a fiery rage, jumping from injury to explosion without ever speaking the truth. And the thing is, I see this break down all the time in my clients. They know what they want, but they never directly communicate it. I assumed (ding ding ding) my husband knew me well enough to just KNOW what I needed and why. And y’all, I know I’m not alone here.

DITCH THE EXPLANATION

I get it, we all feel the need to overly justify why we need or want something. But don’t give in to the urge to do so. It cheapens the exchange and shatters your steady foundation. Think back to a time someone, probably a superior, enforced a boundary with you. They were likely clear, direct, and concise. Now, direct and concise is not a license to be rude. But you can leave the lengthy backstory out of the exchange. This also doesn’t mean that you can’t be honest with them. When I was freelancing, I once offered to meet someone I was interviewing at 6PM thinking I was doing them a favor by to not interfering with their workday. They simply replied, “I reserve my evenings for family time. How does 2PM on Thursday work for you?” Clear, direct, and concise.

THEIR ASK DOESN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO DO THE SAME

Like I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to get entangled in resentment and frustration when someone pitches something that challenges your boundary. I know this sort of thing used to send me into an instant spiral. I assumed (there’s that word again) that they were suggesting these things intentionally, that they knew it would press into my boundary and just didn’t care. I felt obligated to simply agree and accept. But you guys! Just like they have a right to pitch something (like I did with that person I was interviewing), you have the right to counter. It might take some back and forth, but I assure you it is unlikely that they are trying to attack you and your boundaries. Trust me, I’ve been sent into a spiral by former bosses, clients, my parents, my MIL, my husband, you name it. But since I’ve realized I had a right to state how I wanted things to go, just as they did, I’ve spent a lot less time feeling unproductively angry.

KNOW YOUR SPECTRUM OF COMPROMISE

Firm boundaries are important. But it’s also important to have a sliding spectrum in moments of compromise. It used to be that whenever someone pressed into a boundary, my only options were to concede or get them to do so. That didn’t really set me up to foster the most healthy relationships and interactions. This takes some time and reflection, but it’s so important to know what compromise looks like for you. This may mean you have varying degrees of your boundary for specific circumstances or people. But it’s vitally important that you feel peace within each level of compromise otherwise it loses its value and purpose. For instance, my spectrum of compromise looks quite different for my mother than it does for a client. My spectrum of compromise looks different in my home than it does when I’m a guest at someone else’s. Know yourself. Know what you need. Plan accordingly.

When asked in conversation, this is what I typically have to say about enforcing boundaries: Don’t take everything so personally. Stop assuming that people are intentionally trying to press into your boundaries. Offer people the benefit of the doubt. Keep calm, be clear, and be direct.

When we take hurt feelings and assumptions out of the mix, enforcing boundaries is as easy as ordering a cheeseburger. They may be out of pickles when you ask, but they’ll tell you so and offer an alternative.