Why we struggle with boundaries as adults

My friend, who recently graduated from college, came to me the other day panicking. Someone wanted her to do something, and it was pressing in hard to one of her boundaries. She felt obligated to appease the person simply because they asked, and I just looked at her.

“I know, I know,” she sighed. “Boundaries. Why is this so hard?”

There are a lot of reasons setting and enforcing boundaries is so difficult. But it might surprise you to find out you’ve actually been living your whole life according to boundaries set in place for your protection and well-being, but now it’s your responsibility. And that’s what makes it hard.

Huh? What are you talking about?

If we change out the word “boundaries” for “rules,” “regulations,” and/or “policies,” maybe it’ll click into place a bit. Your whole life, other people have kindly placed and enforced important boundaries for you in order to keep you safe. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 (sorry Mom & Dad). We weren’t allowed to wear spaghetti strapped tank tops to school. If we missed more than 3 classes in college, we risked dropping a letter grade. We weren’t allowed to have members of the opposite sex spend the night in our dorms. Schedules and rules set by other people kept us on track.

Boundaries.

When we’re kids, our parents do a lot of the enforcing for us. But on occasion, we might have to try our hand at it. Maybe a friend spots the soda in the fridge and suggests you guys have some. “We’re not allowed, the soda is only for the adults.” Boundary enforcing.

Then we grow up a bit. We’re given the privilege to drive cars and explore the world on our own. Your friends want to go to a movie that starts at 10, but your curfew is midnight. “Sorry guys, I’ll have to sit this one out.” Boundary enforcing.

When I was a teenager, my mom gave me a very valuable gift. We were a pretty easy-going household. My mom never said no unless she had a real reason for it. Because of that, there weren’t many stand-firm rules. But when I started having trouble with friends (I was a risk-adverse kid 🤷🏻‍♀️), my mom sat me down. “If there’s ever anything you don’t want to do, blame it on me. Say I said no.” Independent boundary enforcing with training wheels.

But now you’re in charge, and that’s the problem.

There’s no one else to blame. There are no institutional guidelines dictating who can be where when. There are no parental rules protecting you from certain situations or people. It’s all up to you. But we’ve lived our entire lives depending on other people to set these things in place. We’ve gotten used to, for lack of a better phrase, blaming our boundaries on other people. It’s easier that way, I know.

So when we graduate college, and we’re suddenly thrust into this great big boundary-less world, we struggle. Suddenly, it’s up to us to set the proper boundaries in place for ourselves. And when it comes time to enforce them, we only have ourselves to blame. And that makes us feel selfish.

I struggled with this even when I started my company. I have specific policies in place to protect the quality of work, customer relationships, and my productivity. And when someone presses into them, I can’t use my old retail standby of “sorry, I didn’t make the rules, I just have to enforce them.” Because, well, I did make the rules. And no, I’m not changing them.

It’s uncomfortable, but it’s important.

Especially in the beginning, when you’re making the necessary changes, it’s uncomfortable. Changing what you will and will not allow will disrupt some things and ruffle some feathers. You may be called selfish and difficult. But the people who love you the most will support you even if they don’t fully understand it themselves.

The more you practice these things, the easier they become. Think about the people you know who are great at enforcing their boundaries. They likely come across as kind, friendly, and confident. And you can, too.