Stop disappointing yourself in favor of pleasing someone else

Have you ever agreed to something and then almost instantly thought Oh god! No! Why did I just commit to that? You probably practiced the interaction. Promised yourself no matter what you wouldn’t get roped back in. But alas, here you are once again. The one common trend I’ve discovered with all my clients is that each one of them is making themselves miserable pleasing everyone else. When they come to me, they’re depleted. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. And some even confess that they just feel lost. Each one approaches with a complicated story, a perfectly blended cocktail of chaos. But the root of the problem is always the same. They’re consistently disappointing themselves in favor of pleasing someone else. Did a shiver just run down your spine? Did I press into a tender nerve? I know, it’s a hard truth to swallow. And so many of us are guilty of this exact thing. A cycle on repeat we can’t seem to escape. For some reason, we believe that what everyone else needs and wants should always be more important than what we need. We are constantly making choices based on our desire to avoid being labeled “selfish.” But joy cannot breed in a place of resentment. 

Everyone is responsible for themselves

Okay, a quick disclaimer here. Unless you are a parent or designated caretaker for someone (aging parent, etc), you aren’t responsible FOR anyone else. But we are all responsible TO other people. You are responsible to your spouse, friends, parents, employers, etc in various different ways. But each person is responsible for themselves. 

Under no circumstances are you responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own.

Here’s the thing about boundaries that often gets overlooked. Boundaries are simply a way to identify what is and isn’t your responsibility. Simply recognizing that does wonderful things for a shift in perspective. My favorite example to use here is the idea of a fenced in backyard. I know it’s my responsibility to mow the grass inside my own fence. My neighbor has a fence, too. And I can see his lawn. I may notice his lawn growing unruly. It may frustrate me and annoy me, but it is not my responsibility to go mow his lawn. Now, if it’s out of character for his lawn to be so overgrown, that might be a cue for me to check in on him. Is he in good health? Is a family member in the hospital? I can offer him a kindness and mow his lawn for him. But that doesn’t mean I’m then responsible to always mow his lawn moving forward. You have your own responsibilities. And so does everyone else. It’s important to remember that when you’re suddenly feeling obligated to simplify someone else’s life for them.

But what if someone does try to push their responsibilities onto you?

Maybe that neighbor is really busy, and he’s now come to you asking if you can mow his lawn for him just this once. Your kind-hearted nature is quick to jump in and save the guy. Of course you can mow his lawn. It’s not a problem. Anything to help. But almost instantly, you were filled with regret. You really don’t want to mow his lawn. You already have a lot on your plate and adding just one more thing, even out of the kindness of your heart, feels like too much. Guess what? You are allowed to say no. You’re allowed to say no and not offer any kind of excuse or justification. They are allowed to ask. And you are allowed to say no. It’s as simple as that.

You have a decision to make: be perceived as good or be well.

I like to be accommodating. God forbid anyone ever call me high maintenance or selfish. Those words are triggers for me. There is no faster way to get me all up in my head, freaking out, and second-guessing everything. I like to be the person my friends know they can come to when they need someone. I like being reliable. And saving someone in their time of need truly does wonderful things for my heart. But here’s the deal: not every person to ever enter into your life should receive this level of friendship from you. You are a good and kind-hearted person, so you likely assume, like I used to, that everyone is the same. Sadly, there are people on this planet who will take advantage of you. Whether intentionally or not, it will happen. So when I found myself drowning in all the yesses and literally getting sick, I had to make a decision. Did I want people to perceive me as good? Or did I want to be well? Owning your responsibilities and implementing filters around what you will and will not take on is vital to your well-being.

You have to be in your own corner.

Look, the world will be quick to let you down. I truly believe that people are innately good, but I’ve also seen enough life to know that people can disappoint us without a second thought. So if you’re not in your own corner, looking out for yourself, and protecting your well-being…who is? Do yourself a favor and stop disappointing yourself in an attempt to protect how you’re perceived. It’s a game not worth winning. You can still be a good person and say no.