Oh friends. This post is coming to you from a burning deep in my heart. These thoughts have been swirling for some time, but I’ve been unable to pinpoint exactly what it is I want to say on the subject. But after a sleepless night that prompted a 4AM dive down an internet drama rabbit hole, here we are. So, let’s chat about limiting beliefs and comparison, especially in the creative entrepreneur space.
Limiting beliefs: the poison
Any human with a pulse has suffered a limiting belief or two. It’s in our nature to question things, especially ourselves. Limiting beliefs are totally and completely normal. But where they become a problem is if they fully dictate your existence. Are they playing on a loop, hushed self-deprecating one liners repeating in the background of your mind day in and day out? Are they guiding your decisions? Are they fueling a fear that keeps you paralyzed, stuck in a life you can’t stomach anymore? I’m willing to bet that at least once you’ve allowed your limiting beliefs to drop you smack dab in the middle of a pity party: table for 1 sad sack who will never be good enough please. We beat ourselves up and exert so much energy convincing ourselves we’ll never amount to anything.
Why?
There are a number of reasons these limiting beliefs creep in and poison our lives. Some are products of the things we’ve been told about ourselves. Our subconscious holds onto those things then uses them to make up the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Others are products of the so-called proof we’ve collected throughout our lives. For example: Maybe your limiting belief is that you’re bad with money, and your 0 balance bank account provides that proof.
The psychology behind limiting beliefs is truly fascinating. And if you have the desire and/or time, I’d encourage you to do a little digging on the subject. But the important take away here is that these limiting beliefs didn’t just crop up suddenly. No. They’ve been brewing for a long, long time. And undoing them, unlearning them, will take time. But first, you need to diagnose them.
Comparison: the culprit
A lot of times, our silly little brains will use comparison as a way to collect all that proof we just talked about. You know, the proof that you’ll never measure up. Comparison has been plaguing human beings for centuries, but now with social media, it has super powers. And it seems no one is immune.
The digital world we now all live in makes in impossibly easy to compare. People are practically serving up you’re not good enoughs on a silver platter, ready and waiting for our consumption. And while I’m a fan of social media to a degree, there’s a tremendous flaw in the system. We’re not seeing the whole story.
And the truth is, comparison can sneak in and rear its ugly head even when we do our best to subscribe to the “what works for them may not be for me” theory in life. I know we all do our best to maintain a healthy relationship with ego and admiration, but at the end of the day, we’re all still just humans doing the best we can. Regardless, comparison robs you of precious productivity and momentum. And I hope what I’m about to share with you helps to drive that point home.
You see, there’s a person who has been in my peripheral for a couple of years now. I’ve never been a loyal consumer of their content, but we float in similar waters, so I was often made aware of their achievements. Now, there was always something about this person’s presence online that stirred up uncomfortable feelings for me. They were ticking off accomplishments at a staggering rate all while still working a full-time corporate job. And you know what? I started to allow that story to tell me things about myself.
You’re not working hard enough.
You’re not committed enough. You’re not working FAST enough.
You’re not good enough.
Well, I recently learned that they have been skipping an integral step in the self-publishing process. A step that, to me, is non-negotiable and is crucial to producing quality content. And this step takes a whole lotta time. Full disclosure, I’d never read any of their books. They write in a genre that’s simply unappealing to me. But after learning this tidbit of information, I scoped out some samples and dug up some reviews. It’s glaringly obvious that the work had been rushed, and the reviews reflect that fact.
The curtain got yanked back; the true wizard revealed, and yet the damage had already been done. If this isn’t a run-of-the-mill example of how foolish comparison is, I don’t know what is. It’s a lesson we learned years ago: to keep our eyes on our own paper. And yet, we all fall prey every now and again.
It’s not easy to side step comparison. It’s just not. But whenever those familiar feelings start to stir up, I hope you are able to remember Amy Poehler’s wise words: good for her, not for me.
(For those of you who prefer to consume content by listening 🤗)
At the risk of sounding dramatic, things in my life sort of fell apart earlier this year. That just happens sometimes. Life is fine and then suddenly it isn’t. I’m a fairly optimistic person, generally so full of hope it can be nauseating at times. I’m the girl constantly seeking out silver linings and presenting devastation in a way that makes it sparkle. “This is good because…” But this time, things were different.
Hope slipped from my grasp, and I was stuck in negativity. I started complaining to anyone who would listen. And everywhere I turned, there was another disaster compounding the issue. There’s a physical feeling that comes with this state of mind. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve ever been stuck on a negative loop, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And what’s worse is that pulling yourself from that kind of state of mind feels nearly impossible. Stopping a ball in motion requires force and energy–but negativity drains you, leaving you with next to nothing to work with.
I KEPT SEEING ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG.
Like a radio dial tuned into a certain frequency, I nestled into the things are horrible and nothing is going right station. And because the universe loves to deliver proof, all I kept seeing was the validation of that one fact. Until one morning, on my hands and knees, I begged for a sign. A beacon of hope. Something anything to indicate that the ship would eventually right itself and we’d find smooth waters ahead.
Little did I know that by simply making that request, I changed the station. I tuned into a different frequency. I started looking to the universe to offer proof of hope. And because I started looking for hope, I started to find it. Everywhere. But predominantly in one very strange way.
Nearly every time I picked up my phone, the time was in an increment of 12. The first time it happened, I noticed and simply had a wave of comfort wash over me. The second time I thought hey, that’s cool. But then I noticed how frequently it was happening, and it started to kind of freak me out.
Then I noticed 12s showing up in other places. Like the ETA on nerve-wracking road trips or when I’d screenshot a powerful daily horoscope (don’t judge) only to notice the time. These things just kept happening. 12s were everywhere. So much so, that I started to simply expect them.
With each appearance, my hope for the future grew more confident. God was sending little reminders that He had not, in fact, forgotten about us. The universe was proving what I was putting out into the world: that there was indeed hope.
I soon realized that I was simply finding what I looked for, and that was a powerful enough epiphany to inspire a shift in perspective. If I believed things were crap, and that things were going to crap, crap is what I was going to find. Let’s play a little game, shall we?
I’m going to count to five, and I want you to look around you. Take notice of all the things that surround you that are blue. Ready? 1…2…3…4…5…
Okay, now tell me about all the things in the room that are white. There are probably a number of white things in the room, but you weren’t looking for those. No, you were looking for blue, so you only focused in on the things that were blue.
Your mind works much the same way. If you look for hope, it is hope that you will find. If you look for darkness, darkness is all you will see.
If things are going sideways for you right now, and you feel like the universe is just dumping on you, I’d like to encourage you to change your frequency. You might not feel it from within initially, and that’s okay. So make it more like a challenge. At the end of each day, jot down 5 things that are good and/or that you are thankful for. Slowly, over time, things will shift into place. And trust me, it feels a whole lot better to be in a positive gear.
** I have had a few requests to provide audio for my blog posts. So if you’d rather consume this blog post via audio, here you go!**
This is a silly little tale that I hope will serve as a powerful wakeup call about the stupid things we beat ourselves up over. As you all know, I’m a scheduled kinda gal. As someone who gets anxious on a good day, plans and schedules just sort of help me know what to expect. I’m okay with deviation (why do I feel like I can hear my husband laughing somewhere in the distance…?), but I just feel better when I have a general awareness of what’s happening day to day.
Along with that, I like to do things the right way. I don’t want to do something twice. And I certainly don’t want to do anything that someone might call me out about. I’m 99% sure that last one comes from social media use, and I’m pretty sure the root of this story I’m about to share with you is the same.
THE TRUTH ABOUT BEATING YOURSELF UP
When I was in college, the things I would beat myself up over were:
Not being better organized with my time
Not studying hard enough for a test
Taking a day off work to enjoy a football game
Not getting home enough
Putting gas/food on a credit card
When I say “beat myself up over,” I’m talking about that internal bullying we all seem to be so good at. Giving ourselves a hard time. Harping on. You know, the silly habit we all have that sucks away so much energy.
Do you want to know what I beat myself up over last night? Well, good. Because I’m about to tell you.
I’m a fairly active person. I am no athlete by anyone’s standards, but I like to move my body regularly. I’ve made a habit of listening to my body when it comes to working out, so luckily, I never ever beat myself up over “missing” a workout. But before you pat me on the head for that one, hear this.
I was such a bully to myself last night because I gave in and washed my hair. I got a little off schedule with my workouts/hair washing days, so I’d washed my hair on Monday night. I like to go at least a day in between washes. Last night was not supposed to be a hair wash day.
You guys, if that’s not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I have a company to run. A home to maintain. Animals to keep alive. Clients to coach. But I exerted the energy to beat myself up over basic hygiene.
THE ROOT OF EVIL
We hold ourselves to an impossible standard. And worse, we make perfectly normal things wrong for no good reason. Up until 2011, I washed, blow dried and straightened my hair daily. D-A-I-L-Y. My hair never fell out of my scalp. (Well, except that one time wine was involved with a DIY highlighting job, but we don’t need to talk about that right now.) A bolt of lightning didn’t strike down and evaporate me from this earth. I didn’t even know dry shampoo existed.
But if you all only knew how much time and effort I spend calculating and scheduling hair washing days.
Washing your hair is not bad. But for some reason, we’ve made it so.
There are plenty of things worth holding to a high standard.
Be a good human.
Work hard.
Perform well on a test.
Don’t be a dick while driving.
Be a kind, loving wife.
Don’t live in a dumpster.
NOW WHAT?
But y’all. We’ve been sold a lie. We’ve been consuming so much content the last 11 years that it seems we’ve forgotten how to employ critical thinking. I love a good time-saving tip–probably more than most. And dry shampoo/skipping washes is an excellent trick to save you time. And sure, skipping a wash or two might mean less heat. That’s probably a good thing if you’re looking to grow your hair out or “baby” it after a disaster. (Again, the hair-falling-out highlighting incident comes to mind here.) But washing your hair every day is just fine.
I need this reminder myself, so I’m just going to say it in case someone else out there needs to hear it, too. Please, hold yourself to a high standard. That’s important. But employ critical thinking when it comes to the what. Social media has retrained our brains to believe tips and tricks are best practices always. And sometimes, y’all. They’re just tips and tricks.
There is so much in the world that requires our energy. Beating ourselves up over stupid things is just…well, stupid.
So in an effort to make myself feel better–tell me below. What’s something you’ve beaten yourself up over recently that in hindsight was just plain stupid? 👇🏻
You’re feeling a little lost. Confused. Maybe you’re feeling scared; unsure. Or maybe you’re experiencing analysis paralysis. Whatever your situation, uncertainty is plaguing you. You’re seeking direction, clarity, answers, hope, a sign, anything. If this is you, here are three signs that God is asking you to trust him more.
HOW TO KNOW WHEN GOD IS ASKING YOU TO TRUST HIM MORE.
1. YOU’RE FEELING ANXIOUS.
If you’re feeling anxious and worried, that’s a sign that God is asking you to trust him more. There’s nothing wrong with planning for the future. You’re allowed to work hard and to ask for a practical strategy to work hard according to His will. But if you’re full of worry, doubt, fear and anxiety, God is nudging you. He’s trying to get your attention to draw your eyes back to Him.
MATTHEW 31-33 SAYS So do not worry saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
2. YOU’RE FEELING A HEALTHY CONVICTION TO PRAY MORE
It’s on your mind. It’s on your heart. You find yourself wondering if you should be praying more. The seed has been planted and you’re feeling its impact. The thing is, a lack of prayer is a lack of trusting God. That’s hard to hear, but we’re all guilty of it sometimes. We get comfortable and complacent and suddenly we spend less time in prayer. We assume God just knows we’re thinking of Him and that we desire a relationship with him. Nope. That little nagging feeling is telling you that God is asking you to trust him more.
PHILLIPPIANS 4:6-7 SAYS Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
3. YOU’RE EXPERIENCING A SEASON OF TESTING.
Oof. We know this one well in the Hodges household. I’ve said before that I actually feel a sense of excitement whenever our world comes crashing down around us. It’s usually a strange, refreshing reminder to fix our eyes on God. I always know when things go wrong that God is trying to tell us something or he’s trying to move us. God uses our seasons of testing for our good. James:1 2-4 and Romans:5 3-5 say that God uses the pressures of life to cause us to seek his presence.
IN 2 CORINTHIANS 12: 7-10 PAUL SAYS Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I’ve noticed that my relationship with Christ is the strongest in seasons of testing, and I also believe that’s a clear sign that I need to get things in my life sorted out. We are meant to seek God first in all things. We’re meant to put him first in every area of our life always. And these seasons of trial are getting old. But it’s also true that we’ll be served up the same lesson over and over again until we finally learn from it.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TRUST GOD? HERE ARE 4 THINGS RICK WARREN SAYS WE’RE MEANT TO DO:
Ask Jesus to be your shepherd every single day.
Give Him 1st place in every area of your life.
Relax!
Let go of tomorrow and just trust God for one day at a time. (Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34)
Tell me, which of these three signs have you been experiencing lately? 👇🏻
I have a really complicated relationship with social media. I’d venture to guess you might, too. In fact, I know very few people who have a healthy relationship with it. I used to beat myself up over it. I hated how easy it was to get lost in the endless scroll–minutes then hours getting sucked from my day. It bothered me that I seemed to lack any self-control. Without fail, I’d find myself reaching for my phone, thumb poised over any one of the social networks (Instagram is my main drug of choice). Before I knew it, I’d be knee deep in the weird part of the explore page where I could hardly remember my own name or what day it was.
WHY I WANTED TO CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA
Before we get into the different ways to develop and maintain a healthier relationship with the various social networks, I want to share the negative impact social media was having on me. You’re probably already at least vaguely aware of them if not experiencing some of them yourself. But for the sake of comprehensiveness, let’s do a brief overview.
It was feeding my unwarranted desire for “more” and “better” when I have everything I need.
Awareness of what others in my field were doing would paralyze me into inaction.
Comparing made me really start to doubt (and dislike) myself.
My head felt constantly full of nothing.
I was unintentionally devoting precious time to it that I could have used to write, create or relax.
It would fool me into thinking I was actually “connecting” with people but would ultimately leave me feeling very lonely.
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA
PARTICIPATE IN A SOCIAL DETOX
The first thing I would recommend is taking a break from social media entirely. I’ve done this at two different times for two different durations. I learned so much about myself and the role social media played in my life. These breaks offered me an opportunity to see what else I could use to fill my time. They also reminded me of what it feels like to let my mind to wander and what comes from being bored. At the end of each detox, I felt free, clear-headed and focused. Along with all of that, these detoxes showed me:
I don’t really get anything out of social media
The “urge” I would feel to check the platforms was never partnered with “desire.”
While it can be fun, it is more often totally overwhelming
Keep track of how you feel during your detox. Listen to what your body, brain, and heart are telling you. Keep an inventory of your thoughts. What you learn from your detox will help you decide how to alter your social media usage to establish a relationship that best suits you. For the sake of this post, I’ll be sharing what changes I’ve made. A couple things to keep in mind:
Social media is vital to my business
While I (personally) don’t really get anything out of social media, I do enjoy it to some degree.
UTILIZE SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGEMENT TOOLS
Like I mentioned above, maintaining a healthy presence on social media is vital to my business. And in this day in age, I’d bet it’s safe to say the same is probably true for you, too. I struggled hard with this. For some reason, establishing some degree of separation and balance was incredibly difficult for me to sort out. I’d log into Instagram to post something and before I knew it, 25 minutes of story watching would pass and I’d click out and forget to post what I set out to.
When it comes to my business, I rely on social media scheduling and management tools. I have personal experience with Hootsuite, Buffer and Planoly and would recommend any/all of them.
SCHEDULE SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKS AND SET A TIME LIMIT
If you’re new here, I live and breathe by calendar blocking. I find it to be incredibly beneficial to my peace of mind and productivity. So when I started toying with the idea of changing my relationship with social media, it finally hit me like a duh-huh moment to schedule in blocks of time.
So, texting wasn’t really a thing when I was in high school (at best, you could send a “text” message from a computer to a cell phone number). But for the sake of this example, let’s assume it was. It would be inappropriate to sneak your phone out and check for a text in the middle of Biology class. But the second the bell rings, releasing you to change blocks, it was fair game. You would have 5 minutes to get your stuff together, haul ass across campus to English, and quickly check your phone. Once the bell rang to signal the start of English class, you knew to put your phone back in your backpack.
Create your own blocks of time in which it would be appropriate to check your phone. And the most vital part: set and enforce a time limit. I mean that literally here. Actually set a timer. If you’ve blocked out 10 minutes to check in and engage with your socials, set a timer for 10 minutes. When that timer buzzes, game over.
STAY IN CONTROL
When Facebook first came out, you would log in and scroll your “feed” until you hit the end. Yes, that’s right, your feed would have an end. But over time, social network developers discovered that if you introduced a never-ending scroll, users would spend more time logged in. Developers have spent countless hours researching user behavior to develop techniques that subconsciouslyencourage you to spend as much time as possible on their platform. They know what they’re doing. And they’re good at their jobs.
Ever feel like a mindless drone after a few minutes of scrolling? That’s a clear indicator that you’ve fallen prey to these techniques. We all have. So how can you stay in control? Here are a couple techniques I use:
♡ MUTE ALL STORIES ON INSTAGRAM ♡ This might seem aggressive, but hear me out. We are triggered by that little pink ring. Additionally, at the end of one user’s story, you’re rolled right into the next. When you mute all of them, you start to get a little pickier about whose content you consume. I scroll through my “muted” feed at the top and cherry pick which ones I’d like to watch. I’m not triggered by that pink ring. Best of all, when your entire IG Stories Feed is muted, stories don’t automatically roll into the next. So if you choose to watch @IGUSER1’s story, that’s it. When it’s over it’s over. You can then decide if you want to watch @IGUSER2’s story or @IGUSER3, 4, 5, so on and so on. You get the point. I can’t tell you how many times I realized I’d wasted over 25 minutes just tapping through all the available stories just to clear all the pink rings. Not anymore!
♡ FILTER & CURATE YOUR FEEDS ♡ We all know the story of that dreaded “obligation” connection. We’re also probably overly familiar with that one family member who rants and raves daily. Take control of what you’re seeing day to day by employing the “unfollow” feature on Facebook and the “mute” feature on Instagram. Both of these features allow you to remain “connected” to the individual, but their content will no longer show up in your feed. Additionally, you can mute various users and words on Twitter. Make these features your new best friends!
To be totally transparent, even with these tactics in place, I still struggle not to fall into bad habits. And sometimes I do. Instinctively, I’ll feel that random urge to grab my phone and click into Instagram when my brain needs a moment of reprise from whatever I’m doing. I will say this, the more you pay attention to your usage, the more you practice control, the easier it gets.
Tell me, what do you do to maintain a healthy relationship with social media? 👇🏻
