As a life coach who specializes in boundaries, you’d assume I’m team “let go of all that doesn’t serve you.” And I am…kind of. In the year I’ve been professionally coaching, I’ve come to the understanding that far too many of us definitely have a death grip on things that are 1) no longer serving us and 2) actually hurting us. And yes, the healthiest thing to do in most of these cases is to make a clean break. Let that shit go. But this blanket let go of all that isn’t serving you phenomenon that’s sweeping social media right now has the potential to be detrimental. And I want to carefully point out that risk before things get really out of hand.
THERE IS A FINE BALANCE TO KNOWING WHEN YOU SHOULD LET SOMETHING GO AND WHEN YOU SHOULD POWER THROUGH WITH THE INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS.
I’m worried we’re going to create a society where we all just cut and run. Just because something upsets you or makes you uncomfortable does not mean it no longer serves you. If someone in your life made a mistake or a poor decision, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should pull a bye, Felicia. If someone is holding you to a higher standard and pressing for you to be better (because they know you can do better), that doesn’t always warrant your disappearing act.
DON’T SIDESTEP VALUABLE GROWTH BY SIMPLY LETTING GO OF WHAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
While truly letting go is very rarely easy, I do believe that as a culture we are dangerously close to employing a standard “ghosting” method any time something doesn’t go our way. Disappointment, frustration and upset are regular components to important relationships. And if we simply take an exit when those things present throughout the journey of a relationship, we risk waking up sad and very alone one day.
Understand me when I say this, I am not encouraging you to stay in an unhealthy relationship or situation. I am simply asking that we all employ a little (or honestly, a lot) of critical thinking when it comes to making the decision to let something go.
A fact that I’m worried is getting disregarded in our let everything go frenzy is that there are some things worth fighting for. There are some things to which we are responsible. I’m not saying stay because there’s an obligation. (If you know me in real life, you know that unwarranted obligations are a trigger for me.) But we risk developing an incredibly selfish society if we’re all so committed to just ducking out and severing ties any time we’re made to feel less than awesome. There is value to being committed to seeing things through, even if and when they get difficult. But that’s where the fine balance comes into play. And that’s when it becomes incredibly important to employ critical thinking. Because the line between this is uncomfortable and therefore it hurts and this hurts and it’s making me miserable and there’s nothing more I can do here is very, very fine. And ultimately, you’re the only person who can make that judgement call. But when it comes time to making that kind of decision, I would encourage you to seek outside counsel. Whether that’s from a trusted friend, parent, mentor, life coach or therapist is your call to make.
Keep in mind, we tend to go to those for counsel whom we feel will take our side with things. So I want you to open your heart and mind and turn to someone you can trust to be open, honest and real with you. Because sometimes we need to be called out. Sometimes we’re the one who has the problem, making a situation toxic. And if we just cut and run every time things go sideways, we’ll never learn or improve.
IS IT ACTUALLY TIME TO LET GO?
Letting go and truly removing someone or something from your life is a process. But the first step is to make an assessment to determine if letting go is the right and healthy thing to do. Take some time to reflect on the following:
What is it about this situation that has you considering whether or not you should let it go?
Is this patterned behavior? (Meaning, cyclical. You’ve been here time and time again with this person with the same or similar results every time.)
In what ways is this person or situation causing detriment to your life?
Do you feel there is any value to salvaging the situation or relationship? If so, what?
If no, what value is there in letting the situation go? Envision what your new reality would look like.
By letting this go, what would you be missing?
By letting this go, what would you be gaining?
Are there any ripple effects to letting this go, whether good or bad? If so, what are they? How will you handle those?
Do you feel there are any alternatives to letting this person or situation go completely? What boundaries, if any, could you put in place to improve this situation?
There is a lot to consider when making this kind of decision, but these points are a great way to navigate the beginning stages of this process.
I am a firm believer in letting go of what truly isn’t serving you any longer. You deserve to live the kind of life you want. But I also believe in order to accomplish that, you need to employ the letting go tactic with care.
It was a Thursday night, which meant I was walking into RuSans, my favorite sushi place, just like I did every Thursday to meet my friends for dinner. But this time, things were different. I climbed into the barstool next to my friend.
“It’s just me tonight,” she said, sliding her menu over to me even though we both knew I’d be ordering the Gladiator roll. She noticed the look on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do it anymore,” I huffed, grabbing my glass of water and taking a sip. “But I have to. Ya know? This is my life. I wake up. I go to work and do all the things. I come home to even more work and even more things. Then I wake up and do it all again the next day. I’m exhausted.”
“You’re miserable,” she stated matter of factly.
She wasn’t wrong. I was miserable. I had a good job working for good people, but my heart wasn’t there anymore. Instead, my heart was in the company I’d been slowly bringing to life for months and months.
“Quit,” she told me. “It’s time.” This friend is the most responsible person I know. So careful and intentional with every dollar and decision. The yin to my wild and crazy yang.
Panic clenched my throat. “No way. I can’t. We count on my income,” I explained. “It’s not the right time.” This is a conversation that my friends and I had been having in one form or another for several months. It always ended with me sucking it up and trudging through. But in the comfort of a one-on-one dinner date, my friend took the conversation to a new level.
“What’s in your savings?” A bold question, but I expected nothing less from my practical friend. She knew I’d been tucking money away in hopes of someday making the leap. I told her. “Okay. You’re writing your resignation tonight.” I stared at her blankly. “You have your buffer. You’re covered” she told me. “Quit.”
Did you know that when panic and excitement blend together you get a powerful cocktail that numbs you from the inside out? No? Well, if you’re about to quit your day job, you’ll know soon enough.
I went home that night and wrote my resignation. The next day, I stood across from my boss, a woman I respected so much who only 13 months earlier offered me a job that changed my life. I cried the ugly kind of tears where snot drips out your nose, and I offered them a thirty days notice. There it was. A deadline. From that moment, the adrenaline started pumping and three years later, I’m still waiting for it to stop.
MAKING THE JUMP FROM SIDE HUSTLE TO FULL-TIME GIG
First of all, if you’re on the brink of this move congratulations! You should be very, very proud of yourself. And yes, it’s totally normal to feel scared. Throat a little dry? Does everything feel sort of tingly? Worried you might be having a stroke? Bingo. You’re right on track. (Jokes. Well, kind of.)
I hope this goes without saying, but in the event that it does not, I’m just going to put it out there. You do not have to quit your day job to do this thing. There is nothing, and I repeat N-O-T-H-I-N-G wrong with keeping your day job. I am in no way advocating for you to quit your job. You have to do what is right for you and your family.
But if you’ve decided that going full-time is the right move for you, here are some things that can help you make that jump successfully.
Manage your mindset
Working from home and working for yourself, in theory, sound really dreamy. Pajamas and flexibility and coffee shops. But if you jump from day job to full-time side hustle with that mindset, things can spiral quickly. At the end of the day, your new full-time gig is a job. And you need to treat it as such. Yes, flexibility and athleisure may be included (and those things are dreamy), but go into it treating it no differently than you would treat your previous traditional day job. What does this mean? Well, it means you’re in charge so you’ll have to employ some critical thinking when it comes to your decision making.
If you’re constantly flitting off to go shopping or ditching work to lay out at the pool, nothing will ever get done. Beyond that, if you continually push your work aside to accommodate others, not only will you not get anything done, the people in your life will never respect the fact that you have a job to do.
Your side hustle is now your job. Show up and take it seriously. No one else will unless you do.
Have a plan
Listen, I get it. Plans are not exactly sexy to a creative entrepreneur. And I’m probably putting myself into the minority camp by saying I don’t really believe in business plans (I think they box you in too much). But I do believe in knowing what you’re doing for the foreseeable future. Yes, flexibility is fun and awesome, but all that free, open space can paralyze you if you don’t know what to do when. So, make a plan. Decide how you intend to spend your hours and days.
This is a pen to paper situation. Get a general understanding of what it’s going to take to do this thing. We’re talking from scheduling social media to hosting meetings. Make a list. The scary fun part here is that you probably won’t know all that it’s going to take at this point. And that’s okay. The point here is to have a general idea and make a loose plan of what you can expect to be doing day to day.
Be ready to work
You knew this was coming, didn’t you? Along with the mindset and the plan, you have to come ready to work. The work you’re doing is probably going to feel fun. In fact, it might even feel wrong for a hot minute. We’re so programmed to hate what we do that strangely, making this mindset shift takes some effort. But fun or not, you will probably work harder, especially these first few months, than you ever have before. So be prepared for that. If you think quitting your day job translates to laying in bed all day eating bonbons (sidebar–has anyone ever even eaten a bonbon?) you won’t get far.
It’s also incredibly important to note here that it’s very easy to let the pendulum swing too far in the wrong direction here. If you’re anything like me, as you’re starting out you might obsess over being taken seriously. And that might cause you to work from sun up to sun down. And you might find that you feel like you have to hustle for your worth. I did. And because of that, I burnt out hard and landed myself in breakdown town. Discover and implement a healthy balance for yourself here. Please. If that’s something you need (or think you need) help with, get in touch.
Give yourself an intentional buffer
I’m a firm believer in creating the space necessary. If you’re filling all your space and time with the things you don’t want, you won’t have room for the things you do want. But it’s also important to protect yourself. Be smart, please. Don’t jump into a situation that’s going to put you at immediate risk. Leaving your day job and going all in on your side hustle is risky enough. Don’t make this situation any riskier than it needs to be. Plan for it. Prepare for it.
Determine your living expenses and intentionally put money aside for this specific reason. Yes, have your regular savings account. It’s always good to have your standard buffer. But this buffer is a little different.
As a creative, pressure can be good. But intense pressure can quickly turn into paralysis. You need to give yourself the space and time you need to get established. I would recommend having at least 3-6 months of your full living expenses saved up for this jump. This is money you will likely have to touch, so you may not want to use your already existing savings account.
Establish structure with systems & processes
If you haven’t caught the drift yet, the key to making a successful leap from side hustle to full-time is to take yourself (and your business) seriously. You’ve been working hard in the in-between hours up until this point, so I have no doubts that you can pull this off. But in order to ensure your success, get serious about how your business operates. Make important decisions about how you plan to communicate with your clients and your business hours. Think through your customer’s journey and all the various ways they touch your business to establish a process you (and they) can rely on.
With that process in mind, think through ways to simplify and automate with systems. These systems and processes will offer you (and your clients) dependable structure. Trust me, potential clients will see you as far more credible and trustworthy with an intentional process in place.
These are the things that were crucial for me when it came time to making the leap from side hustle to full-time. And I hope they’re helpful for you as well. If you’re contemplating making the jump, snag your freebie planning guide below!
Oh friends. This post is coming to you from a burning deep in my heart. These thoughts have been swirling for some time, but I’ve been unable to pinpoint exactly what it is I want to say on the subject. But after a sleepless night that prompted a 4AM dive down an internet drama rabbit hole, here we are. So, let’s chat about limiting beliefs and comparison, especially in the creative entrepreneur space.
Limiting beliefs: the poison
Any human with a pulse has suffered a limiting belief or two. It’s in our nature to question things, especially ourselves. Limiting beliefs are totally and completely normal. But where they become a problem is if they fully dictate your existence. Are they playing on a loop, hushed self-deprecating one liners repeating in the background of your mind day in and day out? Are they guiding your decisions? Are they fueling a fear that keeps you paralyzed, stuck in a life you can’t stomach anymore? I’m willing to bet that at least once you’ve allowed your limiting beliefs to drop you smack dab in the middle of a pity party: table for 1 sad sack who will never be good enough please. We beat ourselves up and exert so much energy convincing ourselves we’ll never amount to anything.
Why?
There are a number of reasons these limiting beliefs creep in and poison our lives. Some are products of the things we’ve been told about ourselves. Our subconscious holds onto those things then uses them to make up the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Others are products of the so-called proof we’ve collected throughout our lives. For example: Maybe your limiting belief is that you’re bad with money, and your 0 balance bank account provides that proof.
The psychology behind limiting beliefs is truly fascinating. And if you have the desire and/or time, I’d encourage you to do a little digging on the subject. But the important take away here is that these limiting beliefs didn’t just crop up suddenly. No. They’ve been brewing for a long, long time. And undoing them, unlearning them, will take time. But first, you need to diagnose them.
Comparison: the culprit
A lot of times, our silly little brains will use comparison as a way to collect all that proof we just talked about. You know, the proof that you’ll never measure up. Comparison has been plaguing human beings for centuries, but now with social media, it has super powers. And it seems no one is immune.
The digital world we now all live in makes in impossibly easy to compare. People are practically serving up you’re not good enoughs on a silver platter, ready and waiting for our consumption. And while I’m a fan of social media to a degree, there’s a tremendous flaw in the system. We’re not seeing the whole story.
And the truth is, comparison can sneak in and rear its ugly head even when we do our best to subscribe to the “what works for them may not be for me” theory in life. I know we all do our best to maintain a healthy relationship with ego and admiration, but at the end of the day, we’re all still just humans doing the best we can. Regardless, comparison robs you of precious productivity and momentum. And I hope what I’m about to share with you helps to drive that point home.
You see, there’s a person who has been in my peripheral for a couple of years now. I’ve never been a loyal consumer of their content, but we float in similar waters, so I was often made aware of their achievements. Now, there was always something about this person’s presence online that stirred up uncomfortable feelings for me. They were ticking off accomplishments at a staggering rate all while still working a full-time corporate job. And you know what? I started to allow that story to tell me things about myself.
You’re not working hard enough.
You’re not committed enough. You’re not working FAST enough.
You’re not good enough.
Well, I recently learned that they have been skipping an integral step in the self-publishing process. A step that, to me, is non-negotiable and is crucial to producing quality content. And this step takes a whole lotta time. Full disclosure, I’d never read any of their books. They write in a genre that’s simply unappealing to me. But after learning this tidbit of information, I scoped out some samples and dug up some reviews. It’s glaringly obvious that the work had been rushed, and the reviews reflect that fact.
The curtain got yanked back; the true wizard revealed, and yet the damage had already been done. If this isn’t a run-of-the-mill example of how foolish comparison is, I don’t know what is. It’s a lesson we learned years ago: to keep our eyes on our own paper. And yet, we all fall prey every now and again.
It’s not easy to side step comparison. It’s just not. But whenever those familiar feelings start to stir up, I hope you are able to remember Amy Poehler’s wise words: good for her, not for me.
(For those of you who prefer to consume content by listening 🤗)
At the risk of sounding dramatic, things in my life sort of fell apart earlier this year. That just happens sometimes. Life is fine and then suddenly it isn’t. I’m a fairly optimistic person, generally so full of hope it can be nauseating at times. I’m the girl constantly seeking out silver linings and presenting devastation in a way that makes it sparkle. “This is good because…” But this time, things were different.
Hope slipped from my grasp, and I was stuck in negativity. I started complaining to anyone who would listen. And everywhere I turned, there was another disaster compounding the issue. There’s a physical feeling that comes with this state of mind. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve ever been stuck on a negative loop, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And what’s worse is that pulling yourself from that kind of state of mind feels nearly impossible. Stopping a ball in motion requires force and energy–but negativity drains you, leaving you with next to nothing to work with.
I KEPT SEEING ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG.
Like a radio dial tuned into a certain frequency, I nestled into the things are horrible and nothing is going right station. And because the universe loves to deliver proof, all I kept seeing was the validation of that one fact. Until one morning, on my hands and knees, I begged for a sign. A beacon of hope. Something anything to indicate that the ship would eventually right itself and we’d find smooth waters ahead.
Little did I know that by simply making that request, I changed the station. I tuned into a different frequency. I started looking to the universe to offer proof of hope. And because I started looking for hope, I started to find it. Everywhere. But predominantly in one very strange way.
Nearly every time I picked up my phone, the time was in an increment of 12. The first time it happened, I noticed and simply had a wave of comfort wash over me. The second time I thought hey, that’s cool. But then I noticed how frequently it was happening, and it started to kind of freak me out.
Then I noticed 12s showing up in other places. Like the ETA on nerve-wracking road trips or when I’d screenshot a powerful daily horoscope (don’t judge) only to notice the time. These things just kept happening. 12s were everywhere. So much so, that I started to simply expect them.
With each appearance, my hope for the future grew more confident. God was sending little reminders that He had not, in fact, forgotten about us. The universe was proving what I was putting out into the world: that there was indeed hope.
I soon realized that I was simply finding what I looked for, and that was a powerful enough epiphany to inspire a shift in perspective. If I believed things were crap, and that things were going to crap, crap is what I was going to find. Let’s play a little game, shall we?
I’m going to count to five, and I want you to look around you. Take notice of all the things that surround you that are blue. Ready? 1…2…3…4…5…
Okay, now tell me about all the things in the room that are white. There are probably a number of white things in the room, but you weren’t looking for those. No, you were looking for blue, so you only focused in on the things that were blue.
Your mind works much the same way. If you look for hope, it is hope that you will find. If you look for darkness, darkness is all you will see.
If things are going sideways for you right now, and you feel like the universe is just dumping on you, I’d like to encourage you to change your frequency. You might not feel it from within initially, and that’s okay. So make it more like a challenge. At the end of each day, jot down 5 things that are good and/or that you are thankful for. Slowly, over time, things will shift into place. And trust me, it feels a whole lot better to be in a positive gear.
** I have had a few requests to provide audio for my blog posts. So if you’d rather consume this blog post via audio, here you go!**
This is a silly little tale that I hope will serve as a powerful wakeup call about the stupid things we beat ourselves up over. As you all know, I’m a scheduled kinda gal. As someone who gets anxious on a good day, plans and schedules just sort of help me know what to expect. I’m okay with deviation (why do I feel like I can hear my husband laughing somewhere in the distance…?), but I just feel better when I have a general awareness of what’s happening day to day.
Along with that, I like to do things the right way. I don’t want to do something twice. And I certainly don’t want to do anything that someone might call me out about. I’m 99% sure that last one comes from social media use, and I’m pretty sure the root of this story I’m about to share with you is the same.
THE TRUTH ABOUT BEATING YOURSELF UP
When I was in college, the things I would beat myself up over were:
Not being better organized with my time
Not studying hard enough for a test
Taking a day off work to enjoy a football game
Not getting home enough
Putting gas/food on a credit card
When I say “beat myself up over,” I’m talking about that internal bullying we all seem to be so good at. Giving ourselves a hard time. Harping on. You know, the silly habit we all have that sucks away so much energy.
Do you want to know what I beat myself up over last night? Well, good. Because I’m about to tell you.
I’m a fairly active person. I am no athlete by anyone’s standards, but I like to move my body regularly. I’ve made a habit of listening to my body when it comes to working out, so luckily, I never ever beat myself up over “missing” a workout. But before you pat me on the head for that one, hear this.
I was such a bully to myself last night because I gave in and washed my hair. I got a little off schedule with my workouts/hair washing days, so I’d washed my hair on Monday night. I like to go at least a day in between washes. Last night was not supposed to be a hair wash day.
You guys, if that’s not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I have a company to run. A home to maintain. Animals to keep alive. Clients to coach. But I exerted the energy to beat myself up over basic hygiene.
THE ROOT OF EVIL
We hold ourselves to an impossible standard. And worse, we make perfectly normal things wrong for no good reason. Up until 2011, I washed, blow dried and straightened my hair daily. D-A-I-L-Y. My hair never fell out of my scalp. (Well, except that one time wine was involved with a DIY highlighting job, but we don’t need to talk about that right now.) A bolt of lightning didn’t strike down and evaporate me from this earth. I didn’t even know dry shampoo existed.
But if you all only knew how much time and effort I spend calculating and scheduling hair washing days.
Washing your hair is not bad. But for some reason, we’ve made it so.
There are plenty of things worth holding to a high standard.
Be a good human.
Work hard.
Perform well on a test.
Don’t be a dick while driving.
Be a kind, loving wife.
Don’t live in a dumpster.
NOW WHAT?
But y’all. We’ve been sold a lie. We’ve been consuming so much content the last 11 years that it seems we’ve forgotten how to employ critical thinking. I love a good time-saving tip–probably more than most. And dry shampoo/skipping washes is an excellent trick to save you time. And sure, skipping a wash or two might mean less heat. That’s probably a good thing if you’re looking to grow your hair out or “baby” it after a disaster. (Again, the hair-falling-out highlighting incident comes to mind here.) But washing your hair every day is just fine.
I need this reminder myself, so I’m just going to say it in case someone else out there needs to hear it, too. Please, hold yourself to a high standard. That’s important. But employ critical thinking when it comes to the what. Social media has retrained our brains to believe tips and tricks are best practices always. And sometimes, y’all. They’re just tips and tricks.
There is so much in the world that requires our energy. Beating ourselves up over stupid things is just…well, stupid.
So in an effort to make myself feel better–tell me below. What’s something you’ve beaten yourself up over recently that in hindsight was just plain stupid? 👇🏻
