The importance of breaking (and what it’s taught me)

The importance of breaking (and what it’s taught me)

by | Nov 27, 2023 | Real Life

If you’re here from my Youtube video, you can grab your free download below!

Hi friends! Been a minute, huh? Obviously if you saw my last post you can imagine that life since then has been somewhat insane. 2023 hasn’t gone at all the way I envisioned on New Years Eve 2022. Not even close. Some of that’s good. Some of it…well, not so much (And no, that’s not a shameless plug for my newest book. But THIS IS). Either way, I’m grateful. Grateful grateful grateful. 2023 has felt like a slate wiped clean. A chance for a fresh start. An opportunity to pause for a moment and reevaluate. We tend to find ourselves on certain paths, and they’re comfortable enough, and they keep us busy enough that we never really stop to ask ourselves is this what we want?

You all know that my life took a hard left in 2019. I mean, a huge earth-shattering type of hard left. 2019 was painful in so many ways, and in the moment, I was far too hurt and disoriented to realize that 2019 was everything I needed it to be. 2019 broke us in all the right ways so that the pieces of our lives would fit together more seamlessly. We never would have made those changes on our own. So God broke us. And broke us. And broke us. And all of that brokenness transformed our lives. I had three wonderful years at the type of job I never would have found myself in otherwise, where I met lifelong friends and learned so much about myself. We bought our house in a town I never thought we’d live in. We had our son. All of those things? They’re all direct results of all the brokenness.

So when my life took a hard left earlier this year. An earth-shattering, devastating hard left, well, it felt different. I knew this time. I knew how important it is to break. I knew that sometimes we need life to knock us off the path we’re on to get where we’re meant to be. That doesn’t mean that this year has been easy — far from it, actually. This year has been equally as heartbreaking as 2019, just in vastly different ways. But what it has that 2019 didn’t is this underlying sense of peace. A calm-knowing that eventually, the broken pieces will serve an important purpose.

The moment things broke this year, I took action. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that action would serve as a bit of a fast pass for a life I’ve only ever dreamed of. And while that’s been so incredibly lucky, and I realize how absolutely fortunate I am, it’s also been terribly disorienting. As someone who has been riddled with imposter syndrome and crippling self-doubt my whole adult life, suddenly I was thrusted into a life where those two things were incredibly prominent. And I’ve battled both on a daily basis since that day at the end of February. Some days I win. Some days, well, not so much.

So I’ve spent a lot of this year learning behind the scenes. I didn’t want fear to rob me, yet again, of everything I’ve ever wanted. So I set out on a mission to learn all the ways I could ensure to stay resolved in the pursuit of happiness.

Something that was hugely important in that pursuit is learning not just how to properly set goals, but how to actually achieve those goals (self-doubt and imposter syndrome be damned). So that’s what you’ll find in this Youtube video. I’m sharing everything I’ve learned on the subject in my months and months of research.

Where do I even start? | Major life update

Where do I even start? | Major life update

by | Apr 21, 2023 | Real Life

What’s that saying? Life happens while you’re busy making plans. Yeah, that one. I feel like I should get that tattooed on my body. (Stop freaking out, Mom. I won’t actually do it.) But woof. You guys. Hold on, let me gather my thoughts and figure out where exactly I should start.

I guess the most logical place is where I left off. Last you all knew, I was navigating being a full-time work-from-home stay-at-home-mom. Ha, jokes on me, right? The day, literally just hours after, that last post went live, everything changed. Everything.

I got laid off. Very unexpectedly. And it wasn’t your traditional layoff with weeks or months of severance. We were one paycheck away from relying solely on my husband’s income. And while I’m super grateful that he’s employed and we at least had that, since he’s in education, my earning capacity has always just been higher. And we rely on my income. So for it to be suddenly, very unexpectedly gone. Well, panic immediately gripped my throat. And well, for anyone that knows me, this will likely come as no surprise. But I immediately went into solutions mode. I didn’t process. (If I’m honest, I still haven’t quite processed everything. Tell your therapist friends to save a spot for me on their couch.) I just did.

And thank God I did.
Thank God for the internet.
Thank God for TikTok.
Thank God for all of you.

Stay with me. This is where the story gets good. People. Oh, my gosh. People. People are good. So. So. Good. If you’ve lost faith in humanity with everything going on in the world, please let this story be a reminder that the world is still full of beautiful souls. And we’re lucky enough to live among them.

I posted a TikTok. I know. I know. We all know I’m not a social media person. I’ve just always been most comfortable here on this blog. But, God. I had one follower on TikTok, so I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting. (Jokes, I know exactly what I was expecting. Crickets.) Here’s the video.

@lots2smileabout This feels ick but here we go. Please share this with anyone who might be willing to buy a book! #laidoff #yaauthorsoftiktok #booktok #ya #help #momsoftiktok #momtok #parentsoftiktok #momlife #helpamamaout #greenscreen ♬ Pieces (Solo Piano Version) – Danilo Stankovic

The internet swooped in. They swooped so hard. In under 24 hours, Yeah, maybe was a #1 Amazon Best Seller. WHAT ON EARTH? I never expected a book I published 9 years ago to literally save me and my family some day. But it did. And I have you all to thank for that.

As if that weren’t enough, people started to read the book and report back. YOU GUYS! They loved it. Those of you who have hung out here with me for a while know I never did anything with the book because I was afraid. I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life. I have stories upon stories upon stories. I have so many half-finished manuscripts. But I just didn’t think it would ever be in the cards for me. And I was terrified that if my first book wasn’t good enough, that future would be off the table forever. So it was enough for me to just do it, to publish it and put that little check mark next to the life goal: publish a book. Done.

Except now I have people asking that I write more books. I know the reviews of the book have always been good. But you know how easy it is to convince yourself those reviews were the outliers. Maybe, just maybe, those people were wrong. But that message gets a little harder to ignore when it’s smacking you in the face left and right. In fact, a good friend of mine (hi, Kat! 👋🏻) said to me when all of this started to happen “that’s not a God wink. That’s a God SLAP!” Amen. Amen.

So now what? Well, I immediately fixed up my resume and started applying to jobs in droves. And…crickets. Well, not crickets. I got a lot of “thank you for your application but we are not moving forward filling this role at this time.” Okay. So why do you have it listed? Sigh. Fun market, I tell ya.

Oh, did I mention that I’m in a bit of a tricky spot? So, I pulled my son from daycare at the end of last year. My job was amazing about it, and I was so excited to get to do both. To be both. To still provide for my family and be present for my son. Except now, the earliest daycare opening I could find for his age group was 4 months from the day I got laid off. And that was a daycare that was 45 minutes away from my house.

In the meantime, I’ve taken on some freelance work. I’m still applying to jobs. And the book sales have really helped tremendously. Now the question will be if this can actually be sustainable. If you’ll remember, back in 2018, I challenged myself to write a book in 30 days. I completed that challenge with 50,000 words of a manuscript. The book wasn’t finished, but it was written. That book? A sequel to Yeah, maybe.

I let that project die because I figured eh, no one is going to care about these characters at this point. In 2018, it had been 4 years since I’d published the first book. It was a fun project to challenge myself with, and that was enough for me. Except now people are literally asking for a sequel. (HOW IS THIS MY REAL LIFE?) So, I’ve been working feverishly to get that book finished.

It’s my hope that it will be ready to release mid-late summer. (Fingers crossed, y’all.)

In the meantime, I’m hanging out on TikTok. And I launched a new YouTube channel. I’m posting 3 times a week on Youtube and every day over on TikTok. It’d mean a lot to me if you would subscribe over on Youtube.

I probably won’t be here much. I’m trying to reserve my writing energy for books since it’s kind of my job at the moment. (WHAT IS THIS LIFE!?)

I don’t know how long this will last. So for right now, I’m just allowing myself to enjoy it. It’s a dream come true. And I want to soak in every minute of it. If I’ve learned anything, life happens in seasons. I’m no stranger to swift change and pivoting. So if and when the time comes that I have to pivot, pivot I will.

Thank you.
Thank you.
THANK YOU.

 

Easy Lunch | Cucumber Avocado Bowl

Easy Lunch | Cucumber Avocado Bowl

by | Feb 28, 2023 | Food

When I transitioned from a work-full-time-in-the-office-job to a full-time-wfh job, I pulled my toddler son from daycare and keep him with me full-time now, too. So, yeah. All of that together makes for one busy mama. For some reason, one area I tend to struggle is food for myself during the day. It’s enough just having to think through 3 meals and 2 snacks for the little. So when I stumbled across this delicious little bowl, I was pumped.

I guess it’s worth noting that I’ve also been on a bit of a mission lately to properly fuel my body. As someone who loves food, I can accidentally go off the rails occasionally. And let’s just say the train was fully derailed over the holidays. And as a postpartum woman who is getting older (hello, late 30s), the good old metabolism just doesn’t work like it used to (RIP abs).

That being said, I’ve been on the hunt for meals that are 1) quick and easy 2) offer nutrients and fuel 3) pack in some protein and 4) are delicious (because what’s the point if it isn’t?).

I’ll be honest, cottage cheese has always freaked me out. I use it in pasta recipes sometimes. But eating it on its own? Yeah, I’ll pass. Thanks. I remember growing up my mom used to eat it with cantaloupe.

My first dip into the cottage cheese world, I opted to swap it out for the mayo in my tuna salad. Again, hunting ways to add in extra protein. While I can’t say it was a perfect dupe, it definitely wasn’t a noticeable enough difference for me to care.

So I finally mustered up the courage to just try a spoonful of plain old cottage cheese. And y’all. It’s totally unoffensive. It just tastes like a mild, light cheese. The texture wasn’t as offensive as I thought it’d be either. So with that, I launched into the realm of trying out cottage cheese bowl recipes.

The one I have for you today I’ve actually modified a few times since the first time I tried it. But we’ll get into that in a moment because they way I initially tried it was super delicious on its own.

COTTAGE CHEESE | AVOCADO | CUCUMBER | TOMATO LUNCH BOWL

1/2 cup Cottage Cheese | I used 4% small curd
1/2 Cucumber diced
~5 Cherry tomatoes quartered
1/2 avocado diced
Everything but the bagel seasoning

@lots2smileabout Try a new #lunch #recipe with me. #WFHSAHM #parentsoftiktok #momsoftiktok #momtok #momsoftiktokclub #cottagecheeserecipe #fyp #fypシ ♬ Sunroof – Nicky Youre & dazy

This bowl on its own was really, really good. I was really surprised if I’m being honest. I thought for sure it would be one of those things that “does the trick” but isn’t actually super satisfying. But I was wrong. I will say I’ve since added pistachios to the bowl and that brought it to the next level — to the point that I’ve actually eaten this for lunch every single day since I first tried it over a week ago. I’ve also done it with just cucumber, avocado and pistachios when I ran out of tomatoes and that was just as good, too.

Would definitely recommend adding it to your rotation!

 

Never again.

Never again.

by | Dec 9, 2022 | Mom stuff, Real Life

It was almost exactly a year ago when I wrote this post about how it’s not enough. I remember how I felt in that moment. I could hardly pull myself together. The thought of leaving him, my two month old son, actually hurt. I felt the pieces of my broken heart, the sharp, shattered pieces floating through my whole body. But I was committed. I had a job I loved. And it wasn’t lost on me that that very job is what allowed for my life to look exactly as it did. My home. My family. Those things wouldn’t have been impossible without that job, but they were certainly more attainable because of that job. And because of that, I was loyal. Even though it hurt.

I returned to the job I loved only to find it wasn’t the same. I don’t know what exactly changed — me or the job or some combination of both, but it didn’t feel like it once did. But my family was there, the people I’d grown to love and rely on. I could do anything for them, and I would. So I did.

I got up every day, tiny pieces of my heart, broken and sharp, stabbing every which way. It’ll get better, I’d tell myself. It’ll get easier. But it didn’t. I was different. The job was different. And nothing felt right.

And yet, I stayed. Countless breakdowns. I must have cried myself through seven tubes of mascara this year. I can do it all I told myself. And I would. So I did. I didn’t know anything was wrong until the people that loved me whispered softly, gently. Something seems off.

It was me. I was off. Broken. Shattered. Everything felt heavy, even the happy things. I didn’t have intrusive thoughts. And I didn’t want to harm my baby, so it didn’t register. I’d slipped through the cracks. The questionnaires at the pediatrician missed it. But those who love me? They didn’t. They caught me. They held me up. They stood in my corner while I got help.

My battle with postpartum anxiety made 2022 really hard. My job made it even harder. Those two things together just about took me out entirely. Not physically, I never wanted to hurt myself. But mentally. I was checking out. It was all too much, and I found myself struggling to muster the energy to enjoy the enjoyable things because I was spending all my energy on just trying to survive.

And then something snapped. And everything started to fall into place. But it had to break first. Remember that. It has to break first. 

One strange thing after another, I found myself with a dream job offer working with and for a dream company. It came out of nowhere, completely out of the blue. Designed perfectly for me. A soft place to land. I see you, God.

So I left. After working a month’s notice, I locked the door to an office I once loved and walked out. It wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. It was time.

But something still didn’t feel right. I was tired of crashing into brick walls. We had a routine, one that worked. I didn’t want to disrupt my son’s day-to-day when I left my job for the remote position. But then I had to observe his classroom a couple of times for biting. And it was during those observations that a sobering realization came to me. He shouldn’t be here.

It’s been almost exactly a year since I wrote the post about how it’s not enough. I wish I could wrap that broken, exhausted, terrified new mom into my arms now. I’d squeeze her tight and whisper this will be the hardest year of your life. But it will get better.

One year later, I am a full-time WFH SAHM. It will be hard. It will be worth it.

Breathe.

 

 

TikTok got me thinking…

TikTok got me thinking…

by | Nov 3, 2022 | Advice, Real Life

I was scrolling TikTok, and for some reason my For You will sometimes serve up artist content. Painters. Sculptors. That sort of thing. I’ve always enjoyed art, but I don’t have one artistic bone in my body. I loved drawing as a kid, but the talent…woof. Just not there. The same is true for singing. I love to sing, but double woof. I feel for my kid. I really do.

But back to the TikTok, this particular post was someone painting very simple circles grouped together. Simple, yes. But perfect. Perfect. If I’d seen only the finish product, I would think they were some type of artistic wizard (or that they used a stencil). But watching it from start to finish, a thought occurred to me.

They were using a technique.

One they probably learned when they invested in the thing that was interesting to them. Growing up, they probably liked art, too. Maybe they had talent. Maybe they didn’t. But either way, they probably started to study it in some capacity — whether officially with money changing hands or independently. And along the way, they learned techniques that helped them improve.

The number of hours I invested into learning how to properly do my nails back in 2013 is nauseating if you think about it. The motives were simple: 1) I was interested 2) I was broke 3) I wanted nice nails. I watched countless hours of YouTube videos, picking up one technique after another. I practiced religiously. I enjoyed every minute of it — but I failed a lot, too. While my Instagram at the time was nothing but one nice manicure after another, there were hundreds that never saw the light of day.

I’ve been on a mission for years to make chocolate chip cookies that come out like my sister’s. In fact, I spent my entire maternity leave making one batch after another. One failure after another. The recipe is simple. But for some reason, mine kept coming out all wrong. I made a disastrous batch for my son’s first birthday that required my sister to swoop in and save the day. “I don’t know how yours come out perfect every single time!” And that’s when my niece spat the real truth: because you never see the batches she throws away.

Oof. Truth.

We all have things we’re invested in. And when you invest in something, you improve it. But we get to do the work quietly, privately. We only show our best work. We show the results of what we’ve learned, the techniques we’ve picked up.

Some people are good at painting, others at drawing. Some are great singers. Maybe you’re a great writer. Some people are excellent salesmen. Others are brilliant teachers. Typically, what sets people apart, what earns someone their adjective is passion and investment.

It’s so easy to get discouraged when what you have to show doesn’t look anything like what you’re seeing online. But please, just know that what you see online is the result of investment. Time and energy. Passion and practice.

Investment = improvement
Just keep going.

*Oh, and by the way. I finally made a batch of chocolate chip cookies last week that looked and tasted like my sister’s. #improvement