BLM. It matters. You matter.

by Joey | Jun 5, 2020 | Real Life

I picked a bad week to quit social media. If you’ve been around here for a while then you know I never really fell in love with social media the way I did with blogging. And I felt pressured to transition into that world as the platforms progressed and blogging, as they say, slowly died. So I found myself there, wandering amidst the crowds feeling totally out of place. I couldn’t ever find my own voice there. I’m not the kind of person to stay quiet in the room, but there? I did. Because I just never felt like I had a place. My words would float just out of earshot, never really landing. Not the way they did here.

So on the 31st of May, I decided to just walk away. I didn’t make some big announcement. I didn’t post saying I was leaving or when I’d be back. I just removed all the apps from my phone. I logged out from everything on my computer and I just…walked away. And then the internet exploded. I missed Blackout Tuesday because I was, sadly, unaware that it was happening because I made a conscious choice to step away from social media. That was a mistake.

Let me make something clear. Black lives matter. It matters. YOU matter. What happened to George Floyd is disgraceful, and that’s just one caught on camera. This brutality has been going on for entirely too long. It disgusts me that here we are in 2020 still fighting the same tired fight. The fact that we even have to have this conversation is incredibly disappointing to me. I don’t know how the value of a human life can even be up for debate.

I do, however, appreciate the conversations that are currently happening. As a white woman, I was born into incredible privilege. I’ve never had to worry if my life was in danger while I’m out in public. Police sirens make me feel safe and protected. And that, right there is a privilege. I have friends of every variety. But as a white woman, I was also taught not to see color. And while the sentiment might have been well-intended, I believe  this is where there is a gross disconnect, at least for me.

By not “seeing color,” I did my best to ignore it. To treat everyone the same. But the truth is, we are different. Our backgrounds are different. Our traditions and families are different. I never once hesitated to ask my Pakistani born Muslim bff about her heritage and religion and experiences. I wanted to know all of it. When I visited her family years ago, I got to experience just a small taste of her world and I loved every second of it.

So why have I always done my best to pretend like I don’t notice when someone is black? To not ask questions or have more meaningful, deeper conversations? Because I didn’t want to risk coming across ignorant or rude.

But I am ignorant. I’m incredibly ignorant to the culture and traditions and experiences because I haven’t asked. I haven’t engaged in those conversations for fear of seeming rude. But before I quit social media, I saw a tweet that just so perfectly summed up where I’ve failed in my life up til now. Carlos Rodriguez tweeted:

“I see no color is not the goal.
I see your color and I honor you. I value your input. I will be educated about your lived experiences. I will work against the racism that harms you. You are beautiful. Tell me how to do better. That’s the goal.”

I see your color. I want to know your story. I want to learn about you in every way possible. And I will stand firmly in your corner. You matter.

I thought I was doing the right thing, not seeing color. But it is in that way that I have failed you the most. I will do better. I will be better.

It should go without saying that black lives matter. It should go without saying that human lives have value. It should go without saying that what happened to George Floyd and all the others who have been grossly mistreated, beaten, murdered is disgusting. But sadly, it doesn’t. I will continue to do my part to help get us to a place where those things can go without saying.

EDITING TO ADD:

• CM Library built an anti-racism reading list open to all. No holds, no waits. Access the list HERE.

Just a little gratitude & laughter

by Joey | May 6, 2020 | Real Life

In all honesty, I’ve had this podcast episode ready to go since Sunday. But I decided, after being inspired by Maria of RunningMyselfTogether, to go for a run that day. It was my first run in…well, a really long time. And it was the furthest I’d run in…well, even longer. (A full 5K in case anyone was wondering. No, not much to brag about but for me, especially right now, it is.) So I ended up crashing out hard on Sunday night and gave myself a whooooole lotta grace.

This episode is a little different. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some seriously conflicting feelings lately. At my core, I’m super grateful for any sense of normalcy, wherever I can find it. Sometimes that’s in my morning coffee. Other times it’s just in the bits and pieces of my job that make me feel sane. It’s also times like these that I’m thankful that even though I took a small, out of the house job back in February, I’ve otherwise spent the last 4+ years working remotely. So now that my out-of-the-house job is an in-the-house-job, there’s even some semblance of normalcy for me in that even.

I’ve also been really thankful lately for all that being an entrepreneur the last decade of my life has taught me. Primarily my ability to think on my feet and find fast, viable solutions. Every single day as an entrepreneur is a freaking adventure, to say the least. And though I relished the structure and normalcy that the college (where I now work) offers, the week leading up to the entire campus going remote felt like my super bowl. Like I’d been training my entire career to help make such an enormous pivot happen as seamlessly as possible. If you ever doubt for one second that God puts you right where you’re needed, let me tell you my story sometime. Because almost nothing has made sense in my life for the last 12+ months. But everything is slowly (and surely) falling into place. I’m starting to have those moments of clarity.

Anyway, none of that is what today’s episode is about. Like, at all. Except that I realized over the weekend that these tiny moments of gratitude can really act as a mood booster. And if you’re like me, your mood has probably been swinging like crazy. I’ve felt some pretty high highs and some serious lows in the last 6 weeks. And as they say, laughter is the best medicine. So Mandy and I wanted to give you something fun and lighthearted this week. It’s stupid and silly and well, it won’t take up much of your brains pace.

So if you’re looking for some simple companionship or a sweet belly laugh, go ahead and give today’s episode a little listen. We really hope it brightens your spirits. We may or may not make total fools of ourselves all in service of helping you laugh a little. You’re welcome. 🙃😂

EPISODE NOTES:

• While on air, I couldn’t remember what phrase I had wrong when I typed it out. So when I’m telling the story about Jonathan and I looking at houses in Colorado one summer (over AIM, I must add because I feel like that was an important piece of the story I left out), the phrase I realized I had wrong was Half-assed. I typed out (and up until that day said out loud) half-asked.

CHECK IN ON YOURSELF

by Joey | Apr 27, 2020 | Real Life

There’s a meme that floats around every summer that makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. You see, down here in North Carolina, we basically roast every summer. It’s not unusual to have several days, if not weeks, where our temps hang out somewhere in the 105 range. Partner that with the suffocating humidity and well, it’s pretty much unbearable. And inevitably, the popular meme starts to circulate. You know the one; it says: check in on your fat friends in this heat, y’all. We are not okay.

It’s funny to me because the reality is, no one is okay in that heat. The relatability hits us all where it hurts; fat or not. And lately, that popular meme is seeing all kinds of variations, most notably the one that says to check in on your extroverted friends in this quarantine, y’all. We are not okay. I am not an extrovert. I know that probably comes as a surprise to anyone who has ever met me in real life because, well, I’m one chatty SOB. But the reality is, I need alone time to recharge. I need quiet and solitude.

So while the extroverts might be struggling in this time of self-isolation, I think it’s probably fair to say that everyone is struggling in some way or another. As an introvert sheltering-in-place in a pretty open floor planned house with two other adults and three animals (which you all know how needy and chatty and dramatic my two pets are), well…it’s not always a walk in the park for my mental health or creativity.

Check in on yourself, y’all. You might not be doing okay.

I tweeted a week or so ago that my friend Kseniya texted asking if I was doing okay. It was a simple question. A common variation of the standard “how are you” question. But for some reason, the combination of her wording with my understanding of the weight behind her question, it hit differently. It made me stop and do a quick audit to give an honest answer. And in that moment, in the grand scheme of life, and in painful comparison to the entirety of our 2019, my honest answer was yes.

But in reality, that answer can vary moment by moment, especially in the midst of the current uncertainty. Our daily lives look very different, y’all. We are not experiencing any sense of normalcy. Things feel heavy and scary, and there doesn’t really seem to be any kind of comforting end in sight for the foreseeable future. It’s okay to not be okay right now. It’s also okay to experience moments of peace and joy in the midst of the chaos.

But in order to truly take care of yourself, you need to check in on yourself.

The other day, I didn’t really feel well. Not in the corona-sickness kind of way. Just in the way that overall, I didn’t feel good. My head hurt, I felt tense and my body kind of hurt. Regardless, I powered through because the day was busy. Work had a lot going on, I had a drive up grocery order to pick up–food needed to get made and shit had to get done. You blink and the day is over, right?

Well, I had a little bit of time to just kind of chill out after my shower before going to bed. And it was while I was on the couch reading that I realized that my body was hurting because my anxiety was rearing its ugly head which causes me not to take full, deep breaths throughout the day. I realize it sounds insane to say that I can go entire days with high anxiety and not even really detect it. And it might be sad to say that well, I’m just that used to it. And this might not be news to you (though I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that it was pretty revolutionary to me about a year and a half ago) but your body, your nervous system depends on getting oh, I don’t know, like the proper amount of oxygen in order to function properly.

I know. I was pretty floored when I found that out, too. I used to see and hear the advice to just stop and take a deep breath all the time but never paid it any real attention because uhm, duh. Breathing. Got it. We’re good. Except y’all, sometimes we’re not good. It turns out I pretty much suck at breathing.

I learned this about myself when I started going to yoga regularly. I also learned the value of taking long, deep breaths in that time, too. I could literally feel the stress and tension melting from my body with every inhale…exhale…

So ask yourself: are you okay?

Run a little audit. How are you feeling? Both physically and mentally? Do your shoulders feel tight? How’s your head? Is your heart racing or are you having trouble taking a long, deep breath (in a normal way, not in a oh no is it corona kind of way)? Listen to yourself the same way you’d listen to a friend. You don’t really need me to tell you this–but maybe you do. Maybe you just need to be given the permission to pay yourself a little bit of attention. I forget sometimes. I give and give and give throughout the day that the last person to get my attention is myself. And I’m willing to bet it’s a lot the same for you.

So like I mentioned earlier, I just wasn’t feeling like myself a few days ago. I’m sure it was a normal blend of stress and exhaustion mixed with my introverted-heart not having a proper recharge. But regardless, I just wasn’t feelng my best. Now, it just so happened that my dog was gifted a bone from the neighbor that prompted that god awful licking sound (Please tell me I’m not the only person who finds that sound totally repulsive). So while I was there on the couch trying to read, the dog lick lick licking in the background, I was pushed over the edge.

In an attempt to drown it out, I grabbed my headphones and threw on an app called Coffitivity while I read. I’m one of those people that can’t have music or the TV on and focus. So something like Coffitivity, which just provides white noise like the hustle and bustle sounds of a coffee shop, is ideal for me when working. But what I didn’t expect was the second I plugged my headphones into my ears, the white noise drowning out the world around me, I started to relax. Really relax.

All of a sudden, it was just me and my book. It didn’t matter that I was sitting on the couch with my husband who was watching some shoot ’em up movie, or that the dog was licking her way to the center of a bone or that the cat was incessantly screaming for literally no reason. I was finally, mentally alone. It was something so simple and yet, it made such a difference. I’d finally found an escape, a way to be alone amidst the chaos.

What are some of the creative ways you help yourself feel better in the midst of everything?

A few friends shared with me what they’re doing to take care of themselves during this time. Listen in to the podcast to hear from them.

What bubbles to the surface?

by Joey | Apr 20, 2020 | Real Life

I saw a tweet the other day from Anna Kendrick that said I guess I’ll never be able to lie to myself about all the shit I would do if I just had the time. And while the tweet itself made me laugh, I made it pretty clear in a previous blog post that you don’t have to use this time productively. It’s totally fine if all you can do is survive the days.

But there is a pretty interesting side effect to this whole thing. I’ve experienced it once before–just after I left my business in 2017. I did it on purpose, a mission of sorts. Where I introduced a whole hell of a lot of white space into my life. I allowed myself time to get bored. To think thoughts. To explore creative nudges.

You see, I’d lost myself in the busy-ness of things. With so much to do all the time, I lost the ability to determine if I was ever doing anything I wanted to do because I didn’t have a grasp on what I actually wanted in the first place. If you’ve listened to even just one of my podcast episodes, you know this already. This isn’t going to be new information. But it is information that we need to be reminded of regularly. Because life is cyclical. We are always always going to get back to busy, even if that’s hard to imagine right now.

While this whole thing is hard, there is something good that can come from this. Even if it’s something as small as getting reacquainted with yourself.

We turn self-discovery into work. And I know, I know. I’m 100% guilty of it myself. Because under normal circumstances, it does take work. It takes a conscious effort to choose and prioritize the discovery. The busy-ness doesn’t typically just stop and create a magical opening. Except, right now, for many of us, it kind of has.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely recognize that for many, this time of quarantine is packed full of chaos. If you have small children, you have my prayers. I’ve joked more than once that man, what a time to be childless. But on the real, I can hardly even imagine. And I know every day must be a struggle to think a single thought. So I don’t want what I’m about to say here to put any additional pressure on you–whether you’re an overloaded parent or not.

But this time of quarantine has done something many of us have been longing for–it’s induced a slow down. I can’t tell you how many times in the last several years I’ve lamented the loss of front porch sitting and neighborly chats. And yet just the other day, I sat on the front porch and spent hours chatting with passing neighbors. It’s the quarantine, my neighbor said. It’s brought back our desire to connect. Really connect, without a screen.

And my neighbor, he’s not wrong. But what I realized is that now we make that kind of connection a priority however we can manage it. And we have the time to get creative.

There’s only so much TV one person can watch. And as we crawl weeks deep into this thing, we’re probably wearing out our arsenal of entertainment. And that’s when we find ourselves bored. Do you know what a privilege it is to be bored? What a wonderful thing boredom is?

Boredom is the key that unlocks self-discovery

This is why so many of us struggle under normal circumstances. We are never bored. We never stop long enough to bother to get to know ourselves. Whatever discovery we’d accomplished before our lives entered warp speed would have to be enough. But I don’t know about you–I am not the same person I was back in 2009–which was probably the last time I was unintentionally bored. And creating the space to be bored under normal circumstances is really hard work.

But these days, maybe you’re starting to feel a little differently. Some space is freeing up. You’re finding that the TV is no longer holding your attention; and you’re fed up with the game you’ve been playing on your phone (looking at you, two dots). And in that space, you’re able to do something unique: you find out what bubbles to the top.

I find whenever I have a little extra free time, I feel inspired to write. To really write. I dive back into reading books. I crave a good long walk. These are the pieces of me that make up the person I truly am. But these are also the pieces that are the first to go when I’m busy.

And in the years that I have been coaching, I’ve discovered it’s a lot the same for many of you, too. Deep down, we know the truest desires of our hearts. But we ditch them with reckless abandon any time life picks up pace.

So, I’d like to encourage you to lean into what bubbles to the top during this time. Use this time, if you have it and if you have the desire, to pay attention to what’s craving your attention.

What we’re all experiencing is just wild. We are actively living what kids will study in history books in years to come. The last time I can remember feeling even remotely similarly to how I do now is in the weeks following 9/11. And strangely, outside of NYC, I feel like we rebooted life pretty quickly after that. Things looked different, sure. But for the most part our day-to-day lives went pretty much back to normal.

I don’t know what normal will look like moving forward. None of us do. But what I do know is that experiencing this has brought my priorities screaming into focus. And I hope the same can be said for you, too.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re safe. I hope you’re well. I hope those you love are taken care of and have a safe and healthy place to wait out the storm.

Until next time, friends.