by Joey | Aug 3, 2015 | Throwback
I started to feel it on Saturday. The anticipation. The clenching in my heart. The confusion of emotions. I expected to feel a lot of things. But I never expected it to hurt.
This was the last weekend for coaches before it starts. The season. The black hole that sucks away husbands around the world from their Football Wives. And for the last several years, this weekend was a mix of feelings. Anticipation. Excitement. All with a little sadness swirled in. He loved the game, and I loved him. But it was never easy losing him to the game.
The months felt long. Lonely. I’d sit in a stadium every weekend, in sickness and in health, watching a game I never fully understood. I’d stand in a field house in a sea of people after the game hoping to snag a kiss from the man I love. And then I’d ask him the question I always dreaded. Are you coming home?
And usually, the answer was no.
So why, why does it hurt for today to be just a normal Monday in the Hodges household? I know when to expect my husband home. I’ll get to eat most dinners with him from now until the end of November, a rarity. I’ll see his face in the light of day. We can make weekend plans and maybe even gasp! attend a game as spectators. We’ll be reintroduced to the world of tailgating. Things we’d said goodbye to years ago. Things I’d stopped hoping for.
I’d forfeited a normal marriage in exchange for a happy husband chasing his dreams. And I was happy to do it. I was a kind of lonely I’d never known. But it was so worth it. I can’t explain it. That kind of sacrifice takes a certain kind of person. And you can either do it or you can’t. We could do it. We could do it well.
But this fall, for the first year ever, we will have a normal marriage. Whatever that means. And I should be leaping for joy. But instead, there’s a sadness in my heart.
It’s like losing a part of yourself, saying goodbye to a life you were committed to. I won’t miss missing my husband. I won’t miss the mid-November breakdown. I won’t miss the Single Wife Dinners (quesadilla free since 2014). But I’ll miss it.
This might not be goodbye forever. They do say never say never, right? But there’s an emptiness inside my heart. And if it’s in mine, I know it’s in his. And that’s a kind of ache I can’t take away. He’ll never say it out loud, for those of you who know him know that to be true. But after nearly twelve years, (yes, twelve!) I earn the I know him best card. And today, I wish I could give it all back.
We’re happy here. We’re so happy here. But that’s marriage, I guess, a balancing act of trade offs. The grand shift of me for you.
In this life, we make the best decisions we know how. We make choices to pave out the right kind of future. And along the way, we make sacrifices. And this is a sacrifice he made for the sake of our future family (no, this isn’t me making an announcement). One we spoke about incessantly for months and months. One we were excited to make together. And for right now, it was the right choice to make.
But that doesn’t make today any easier.
Today, it hurts.
by Joey | Jul 30, 2015 | Throwback
++ I really appreciate the support I got from Monday’s post. The reality is, some people just fade from our lives. And while it sucks, it’s kind of necessary in my opinion. When I think back on that particular friendship, I’m happy for the memories. But as we’ve grown up, we’ve developed into very different people with much different priorities. Part of me will always miss them. Part of me will always have to squash away the desire to call, text, email them when something big happens. And that’s okay, too. This is the type of of “life prep” they should teach a course on in college. It would have been much more valuable than say…well…all those other things I’ve already forgotten and have in no way used in my real life.
++ If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m just surviving the days right now. I’m out of my routines. I’m off the productivity train. And I feel like everything moves so slowly in the summertime, but in a flash the day is over and I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m in the process of trying to adopt a new approach. I guess we’re still just adjusting to this whole new life thing. It’s a process, that’s for sure.
++ My week is pretty wonky. I’m off today (and actually spending the day in South Carolina with my bestie!) in exchange for an over night tomorrow night. With eight kids. If I survive, someone better be waiting at my apartment on Saturday evening with the biggest bottle of wine you’ve ever seen. Deal?
++ I’m practically forcing myself to get back into reading. I’ve so completely lost my groove with it. And to be honest, any free second I have to myself I much prefer to just veg in front of a screen. It’s awful but true. The goal is to read a book a week. I probably should have started with a shorter book that The Pact by Jodi Picoult, but I’m going with it.
Okay friends, that about does it for today! Your turn!
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by Joey | Jul 27, 2015 | Throwback
I’ve been quiet because my heart has been working through something. I’ve struggled with the idea of bringing it up here because there’s a line I like to keep drawn, but it is what it is.
I just forced myself to close a chapter that to be quite honest has been closed for some time, I just haven’t allowed myself to accept it. I’ve never been very good at letting go, especially of people, because I believe in second chances. And third chances. And so on. But there comes a time when you’re flat out of chances to give. And your heart is so flattened from getting trampled on, from being let down so many times, that it’s best to just walk away.
It’s not an easy decision to make. Friendships aren’t just supposed to end. Everyone expects some romantic relationships to fail. But friendships are supposed to be built to last.
But the silence has told me everything I needed to know.
When I was a kid, I used to wonder why the universal symbol for “best friends” was a broken heart. But I get it now. You give that person a half of your heart because you’re supposed to be able to trust them more than any other person. But when that friendship falls apart, all you’re left with is half a broken heart.
I’ve tried to ignore it, pretend it isn’t going on. It doesn’t deserve the attention that my heart for some reason can’t stop giving it. And this is my last ditch effort to just feel it and move on. Sharing my heart hasn’t ever done me wrong. And for all I know maybe I’m not alone in this. Maybe there’s someone else out there dealing with the same thing who needs to see that they aren’t alone.
We’re not supposed to lose our best friends. We’re not supposed to know what this kind of ache feels like. But when it happens, there isn’t a standard cure. The fact is, I don’t need them anymore. I haven’t needed them for years. But that’s the difference with friendships, really. You don’t need them. You want them.
But I’m at the point where I don’t even want it anymore. A loyal person pushed to the point of apathy. And it’s a crying shame.
by Joey | Jul 24, 2015 | Throwback
Summer isn’t my favorite season for many reasons, but mostly because I simply just don’t enjoy sweating my brains out on the regular. I much prefer winter. Keep in mind, I live in North Carolina so our winters are far less brutal.
Despite the fact that the calendar is about to flip over into August, summer still seems like it’ll be never ending. So I thought I’d share with you a few things that keep me sane in the summertime.
- A fun bright mani. A good manicure with the perfect summer shade can work wonders on my mood. Wet n’ Wild Megalast in Tropicalia is one of my top 5 summer shades! And bonus: it’s super long wearing!
- Shade. Whether I’m blocking the rays with my favorite sunnies or a fun hat, finding shade is absolutely necessary. I swear I become like a vampire in the summertime.
- Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant. While this stuff doesn’t keep me as dry as I’d like (I’m still experimenting with the different kinds within the brand) it does combat odor like a champion.
- Leave in Conditioner. Specifically the Earthly Body Merrakesh X High Tide leave in. It’s crucial to replenish the moisture back into your strands after it’s been exposed to the brutal summer sun. This stuff works freaking wonders.
- Refreshing Body Wash. I didn’t know what I was missing until I accidentally got my hands on the St. Ives Revitalizing Pear and Soy body wash. It says on the bottle that it “delights the senses.” I really only picked it up because I liked how it smelled. But I’ve already repurchased it twice. It’s so refreshing!
Well, you know where to find me. I’ll just be over here in my corner counting down the days until we finally find some relief from this heat.
by Joey | Jul 23, 2015 | Throwback
I had the hiccoughs. Not the normal, simply annoying kind of hiccoughs. No. The painful-omg-these-are-never-going-to-stop kind. I know you’ve had them at least once. And they suck.
After nearly an hour of the hiccough-ouch beat filling the living room, my husband got fed up enough to scare me half to death. Sure. The hiccoughs were annoying for him. Despite nearly making me pee myself, his attempt was futile.
After dealing with a brown out in the apartment (don’t ask me what that is, I’m still not sure I know), these hiccoughs were the last thing I needed. Have you ever tried to go to sleep with painful hiccoughs in an apartment that’d been without AC for over an hour? Yeah. It’s impossible. I watched the clock, and the old lady who lives inside of me cringed as it inched closer to 10 without any relief.
Wha-hiccough-tever. I’m havi-hiccough ouch-ng an ic-hiccough ouch-e cream cone. hiccough ouch. Ca-hiccough-n’t hurt.
Hopefully, I filled the waffle cone with scoop after scoop of creamy chocolate, carefully balancing as the hiccoughs ripped through my body.
I almost lost hope when I inhaled my first lick directly into my lungs. It hurt, sure. But anything compared to the devil hiccoughs themselves paled.
And there I sat, looking up Sam Smith lyrics (newly obsessed after attending his concert on Saturday), enjoying lick after lick.
It wasn’t until I reached the cone, taking my first bite, that I realized omg. They’re gone.
And that, my friends, is how ice cream saved my life.
**In all seriousness, friends, your support from yesterday has me feeling all the feels. Things are happening and I can’t wait to share!**
Now, it’s your turn.
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