I started to feel it on Saturday. The anticipation. The clenching in my heart. The confusion of emotions. I expected to feel a lot of things. But I never expected it to hurt.
This was the last weekend for coaches before it starts. The season. The black hole that sucks away husbands around the world from their Football Wives. And for the last several years, this weekend was a mix of feelings. Anticipation. Excitement. All with a little sadness swirled in. He loved the game, and I loved him. But it was never easy losing him to the game.
The months felt long. Lonely. I’d sit in a stadium every weekend, in sickness and in health, watching a game I never fully understood. I’d stand in a field house in a sea of people after the game hoping to snag a kiss from the man I love. And then I’d ask him the question I always dreaded. Are you coming home?
And usually, the answer was no.
So why, why does it hurt for today to be just a normal Monday in the Hodges household? I know when to expect my husband home. I’ll get to eat most dinners with him from now until the end of November, a rarity. I’ll see his face in the light of day. We can make weekend plans and maybe even gasp! attend a game as spectators. We’ll be reintroduced to the world of tailgating. Things we’d said goodbye to years ago. Things I’d stopped hoping for.
I’d forfeited a normal marriage in exchange for a happy husband chasing his dreams. And I was happy to do it. I was a kind of lonely I’d never known. But it was so worth it. I can’t explain it. That kind of sacrifice takes a certain kind of person. And you can either do it or you can’t. We could do it. We could do it well.
But this fall, for the first year ever, we will have a normal marriage. Whatever that means. And I should be leaping for joy. But instead, there’s a sadness in my heart.
It’s like losing a part of yourself, saying goodbye to a life you were committed to. I won’t miss missing my husband. I won’t miss the mid-November breakdown. I won’t miss the Single Wife Dinners (quesadilla free since 2014). But I’ll miss it.
This might not be goodbye forever. They do say never say never, right? But there’s an emptiness inside my heart. And if it’s in mine, I know it’s in his. And that’s a kind of ache I can’t take away. He’ll never say it out loud, for those of you who know him know that to be true. But after nearly twelve years, (yes, twelve!) I earn the I know him best card. And today, I wish I could give it all back.
We’re happy here. We’re so happy here. But that’s marriage, I guess, a balancing act of trade offs. The grand shift of me for you.
In this life, we make the best decisions we know how. We make choices to pave out the right kind of future. And along the way, we make sacrifices. And this is a sacrifice he made for the sake of our future family (no, this isn’t me making an announcement). One we spoke about incessantly for months and months. One we were excited to make together. And for right now, it was the right choice to make.
I have to ask….are you going to write a book from the perspective of a football wife? Reading this made me think you would, will, could, should . Here's to adjustment to new situations and fun times. xo Amanda
Marriage is definitely a game of give and take. It seems as though you guys did make the right choice and everything will be how it was meant to be.
This would be the way I would feel about leaving army life. But who knows if/when that'll happen…
It is 110% the way I felt about that summer I didn't have a job to go back to in the fall. It just hurt.
And I just had this thought the other day: "Normal" is relative, because we certainly don't have a "usual" army marriage (i.e. I work), but it's normal to us. There, for us, was never any other way to do it.
Awe, football was such a huge chunk of your lives for so long, I imagine you would have some void of feelings from it around this time of year. I had to laugh at the quesadilla free since 2014 comment though haha! Compromises, sacrifice and give and take is what all the best relationships have.
Your writing girl……it is so powerful. Sending you so much love.
it's not the same, but i used to say the same thing about long distance when people asked me 'why?'. i'd always say 'it's the hardest thing i've ever done, but it's the easiest thing i've ever done. it's just worth it'.
compromises are definitely what makes a marriage 🙂 i'm sorry you're feeling a bit down and hope it starts lifting up soon.
Totally makes my heart clench for both of you. I know it is tough. Change is never easy – especially when it is still an important part of the person. I hope you both have a great non-season. Miss you very much!
I'm sure today feels like a big adjustment for both of you, but hang in there girl!! Everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad that y'all will get to spend more time together this fall. We can tailgate for the Panthers!! xoxo
I know what you mean. I had a similar experience on Saturday and I was actually shocked that it hurt. I always thought I'd be relieved, but seeing someone you love give up something they love, it's hard. xo
🙁 I know what you mean. Not with football, but with missing something that was always there. Something you kind of wished wasn't – because it has its pitfalls.
First of all, I love you for your quesadilla free comment. I just literally laughed out loud at that. I'm sorry you're feeling the ache, friend, and I feel so much for J too. I hope it all gets better and that you guys get to make some new traditions to enjoy together! xo