There’s a tattoo that I’ve been considering for a while. It’ll be small, and it’ll live on my right wrist. My husband, who is not a fan of tattoos, has pressed in hard with the questions. I have my reasons I’ve said over and over any time he’s asked. You’ll think it’s stupid I finally said to him when he pressed in yet again recently.
It doesn’t matter what Ithink he said, but I would like to know. The thing is, his opinion does matter to me–and that’s the point of this post. But first, I’ll share my reasons because I think this story is also relevant.
Choosing to do what I’ve been doing hasn’t been easy. At least it hasn’t been for me. Living a creative life out loud is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Putting myself and my work out there scares me so much it physically hurts sometimes. It’s important to me. But this work only matters, and what I’m doing only makes a difference if I put in my whole heart.
I’ve done this before, and my heart got wrecked. So naturally, I’ve been a bit gun shy lately. Reserved. Guarded. Trying, but holding back. And it’s sucked. My book was only relatable because I put my heart into it. These blog posts only land if I put my whole heart into them. My business can only help people if I put my whole heart into it. But putting your whole heart into something is scary. All of these things require me to choose to be brave.
I need to constantly remind myself to be brave. I need to always choose to put my whole heart into whatever I do. I want that reminder. Because this matters.
Inch by inch: boundaries for opinions
One of the reasons doing what I do requires bravery is because when you put yourself out there, people will always have opinions. Loud opinions. Critical opinions. Opinions they feel should be important. But you actually get to choose whose opinions get to have an effect on you. Yup, that’s right. So, let’s chat about these boundaries, shall we?
How to set boundaries for opinions
I’m a big fan of Brené Brown’s work. She’s an expert in shame and vulnerability and knows a thing or two about living a daring life. Before I started my first company, I caught her on an episode of Being Boss. And without being dramatic, the episode changed my perspective on a few things. I took it to heart and kept her advice in mind as I started on this journey over two years ago.
She shared then that she has a trick when it comes to managing her reaction to opinions. I thought it was clever back then, but I heard this advice again recently as I’ve been listening to Rising Strong. It’s funny to me how you can receive advice, but until you’ve experienced something that makes that advice more relevant to your life it doesn’t really stick.
Inch by inch
Brené’s trick is simple but difficult. She recommends that you take an inch by inch piece of paper and write down all of the names of the people whose opinions actually matter to you.
Those people who love you–not in spite of, but because of your vulnerabilities and imperfections.
She goes on to explain that if you need more paper, you need to edit.
It seems simple enough, but it’s in practice that you’ll find it’s tricky. But when opinions come flying your way, stinging and burning and causing you to second guess everything, you can return to that paper and remind yourself it’s not an opinion that matters.
Filter & Boundary Free: The risk you take
When there isn’t a boundary in place when it comes to opinions, you run the risk of giving someone who deserves none power over your life and choices. This boundary is important, especially when it comes to creative work. If I let it stop me everytime someone judged what I’m doing, I would have stopped a long, long time ago.
But I believe what I’m doing is important. And the people on my square inch of paper agree. And those opinions matter to me.
Take action!
Go ahead, cut out an inch by inch piece of paper and really get specific of who you believe should be on there. If you’re brave (which I know you are!) shoot me an email and tell me why you’ve included who you’ve included!
It doesn’t matter how old I get, how long I’ve been out of school, or what job I’m doing. August to me screams fresh start. I mean, that might have something to do with the many years I’ve spent as a football wife (byeeeee husband 👋🏻), but nonetheless, here we are.
I have to physically stop myself from cruising the back-to-school aisles in search of the perfect planner or the ever elusive pen-of-life. But in reality, nothing really changes for me when this splendid month makes its entrance (well, except that my butt will be sat in a bleacher most weekends). But for many of us, things kind of get out of whack over the summer. Kids are out of school. Vacations interrupt your normal workflow. Clients are in and out of the office. Life and business just lose all sense of normalcy and routine.
So when August rolls around, I am typically desperate to reintroduce some structure. And chances are, so are you. So, let’s chat fresh starts.
The Boundaries you may need for your fresh start:
Daily structure
Half the battle when it comes to designing a joyful life is knowing what you want. So I’d like to invite you to take some time to figure out what you’d like your standard days to look like. Obviously, there has to be some room for variation, but you can create a loose sketch to allow for some consistency.
Now, while my day-to-day looks fairly different when it comes to the work I’m doing and where I’m spending my time, my structure looks fairly consistent.
In case you need an example, here is what my standard daily structure looks like:
5:10 Alarm
5:15-5:35; Coffee + Bible/Devotional time
5:40-6:15; Journaling: daily pages, gratitude, affirmations, visualizations
6:15-7AM Free time (Typically filled with a daily chore, reading, watching a youtube video, getting ready, whatever)
7-8AM: Novel Work (Writing, editing, revising, etc)
8AM-3PM; Work
3PM-8PM; House chores, planning/prepping dinner, workout, dinner
8PM; Shower, unwind
9PM; Begin evening routine
Calendar block boundaries
Calendar block boundaries play a major role in keeping my sanity and protecting my productivity. (Which, if you ask me, kind of go hand in hand honestly…🤷🏻♀️)
First, what is calendar blocking? The premise of calendar blocking is to basically list out all of your weekly commitments, prioritize them, then scheduled those commitments into your calendar starting with your highest priorities first. It’s a great visual representation of how much time certain tasks take up, and it’s a great way to filter out the not-so-important tasks as you start to see your calendar space filling up.
It’s important to remember that every task on your to do list will actually take time. So the concept of calendar blocking is a great way to visualize how those tasks will play into your week.
I categorize my calendarblocks. You can dig deeper into how that works for me HERE, but basically, I schedule in time in advance on my calendar for certain types of tasks by category. That’s important to know when it comes to understanding calendar block boundaries.
Calendar block boundaries: These boundaries have honestly saved my sanity a time or two. I attach specific boundaries to each block category. For instance, the boundaries for my #WRITING and #FOCUSEDWORK categories are rigid. No emails. No social media. No interruptions or distractions under any circumstances. My phone is on DND or airplane mode in another room. I have a cold turkey session activated on my computer. These categories mean business!
The boundaries for my #UNFOCUSEDWORK category are much more flexible. I’ll take a phone call from a friend. I may set up shop at a cafe an allow a friend to join me. If my husband is home, I’ll bring the laptop to the couch and work while he’s watching TV. I think you’re getting my drift.
Basically, it’s important to know what you’ll allow into your space during certain blocks and communicate those boundaries to the necessary people. Have kids? An assistant? A spouse? Coworkers? Family? Make sure they know what each category means.
Invitation Filter
Ah, this one is a good but tricky one. My gut response to everything is no. But my people-pleasing tendency is to say yes. So invitations in themselves can cause me all kinds of unnecessary emotional drama. So, I’ve introduced an invitation filter to help keep my “obligations” joyful.
FILTER:1. I DO NOT ANSWER ANY INVITATION ON THE SPOT. No. No way. Not ever. Regardless of how the invitation is presented, I always reply with “I will check my calendar and get back to you.” It’s not you, it’s me. I need time to sit with the invite. Sorry not sorry.
2. Is this something that:
a) I will enjoy
b) I will learn from
c) I will grow from
d) Will connect me with new and interesting people that I actually want to meet?
3. Do I want to go?4. Will I regret not going? (Supplemental question: if yes, why? If the “why” is about letting someone else down, feeling guilty, etc, I move on. If the yes is because I truly think it’s something I would enjoy or that I’d benefit from, then I go.)
Family time standards
I could busy myself behind a computer screen forever and ever (the work never stops), and the husband is rarely home. So it’s imperative for us to have some family time standards in place. That can mean whatever you need it to for your family. If you need some inspiration, answer these questions:
Family Time Standards:
> When? Where? What? (For us it used to be Friday night and Sunday night dinners. Typically at home. We usually followed dinner with our weekly shows on DVR.)
>Are phones allowed?
>What’s the protocol if someone can’t make it or it has to get rescheduled?
>What’s considered a valid reason to reschedule?
Balance & Joy Protectors
Remember when I said half the battle to living a more joyful life was knowing what you want? That applies here, too. Make a list of all the things that make you feel joyful, peaceful, relaxed, inspired, encouraged, loved and create space for them. Life cannot be all about our obligations. I’ve been there, done that, and let me just say you should avoid that existence like the plague. In reality? You’ll likely get sick from living that way anyway. I did.
Maybe those things include reading, exercising, going to the movies, taking a cooking class, participating in a wine by design night, spending time with friends, etc. Whatever it is, schedule it into your calendar and place boundaries around it. Make these things as non-negotiable as your yearly gyno exam. (Sorry, but hey! This is important)!
Balance comes from intention. You will never find balance if you’re waiting for it to appear in the midst of all the obligations. Carve out time for joy, protect it, and balance will come.
Happy fresh start!
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Well, hello! So, things are going to be shifting and changing here in this space. I really really enjoy writing helpful lifestyle content about productivity, faith, and boundaries–so that won’t necessarily be going anywhere. But I literally spend most of my day writing for other companies–using their brand voices, showcasing their expertise, and flexing that writing muscle. And when I’m not doing that (or coaching clients on how to implement and enforce their own boundaries), I’m working on the book. So like, I just kind of want to show up here as Joey. Not Joey the Content Creator. Not Joey the Coach. Not Joey the Author; just Joey.
A lot has changed for me in the last six months–and if I’m being totally transparent, those changes kind of spun me into a season of insecurity. You know, it happens. So it was just easier for me to show up here In Business Mode–my invisibility cloak of choice. But I’m feeling a lot more like myself these days, so we’re flinging that thing off. Everyone okay with that? Good.
Anyway, let’s move on to the point of today’s post. I had a friend confess to me last week that she’s been struggling with stress and anxiety when it comes to balancing All The Things. For her, that’s a new role at work, her home life, her sanity, and dun dun dun…her family.
We chatted for a bit about the importance of implementing some boundaries for balance when she confessed something else. It feels like I’m being super selfish.
Oof.
Tell me that didn’t just send a familiar punch to your gut? Because girlllll, don’t I get it. Those of us who need boundaries the most are the ones who will literally give all of ourselves away and leave nothing for us. So, let’s chat a little about personal boundaries for balance.
First things first: why boundaries aren’t selfish
This is honestly something I’ve heard from every. single. person I’ve coached. So many of us struggle with the idea of drawing the line when things make us uncomfortable for fear of inconveniencing or upsetting someone else. Y’all. That’s aproblem. Listen here when I say this, and listen good.
Boundaries are a statement of self-esteem and self-respect. Setting boundaries is honorable and something you should be proud to do.
They are vital for mutually respectful, supportive, and genuinely caring relationships.
By setting boundaries, you show others that you respect yourself and therefore give them the proper structure in which to show you that respect.
I’m not really sure when it became trendy to be a doormat, but I’ve spent enough time underneath other people’s feet to tell you that’s no way to live. You have to take care of yourself. And self-care isn’t all bubble baths and face masks (though I mean, those are fun and also important). Self-care is making sure you’re doing what it takes to protect your well-being.
Personal Boundaries for Balance
Set boundaries to protect your mental space.
Alright, if I’m being totally transparent, this one is the most important in my personal life. It is so dang easy to allow everything and anything into our mental spaces, violating our minds. Setting mental boundaries is all about making intentional decisions about what you allow into your headspace. Yup, that’s right. You get a say. We all have a mental capacity–and if you don’t set any boundaries, imagine how easy it is for the world to fill up your mental space, leaving nothing left.
That’s when we start to feel mentally overwhelmed. I know you’ve experienced that feeling before. You know, where everything feels like too much but you can’t exactly pinpoint what because you’re not really doing anything that should trigger those feelings. You’re at mental capacity. Time to take out the trash.
Limit your social media consumption
FILTER your social media feeds
Place boundaries around your tv watching time
Monitor and limit your media consumption
Implement a boundary to protect time to read actual books
Carve time into your schedule for meditation, journaling or light exercise to keep your head clear
Set boundaries to protect your environment.
This one will be more important to some than others. I’m the type of person who easily spirals into chaos if my physical environment is out of whack. So in order for me to keep balance, it’s imperative that I set the proper boundaries to protect my environment and keep it in tip-top shape.
Establish a cleanliness & tidiness threshold then create a cleaning schedule that ensures you won’t cross into the danger zone
Implement visitor hours for the household
Determine if you’re a pet household or not. If so, establish those guidelines to protect your environment (are they allowed on the furniture, in the kitchen, etc.)
Set boundaries to protect your relationships.
Ah, this one is probably the trickiest one for most of us. It puts us in a position where we might disappoint others. And guys, that’s okay. When you look at relationship boundaries as a tool to protect the relationships that mean the most to you–it might make things easier. I have literally lost friends because I didn’t implement the right boundaries to protect myself in our relationship and the only way to fix it was to remove myself from the situation. You, your friends, and your family deserve better than that.
Establish communication boundaries. Maybe you have a standing phone date with your mom while you go for Monday evening walk. Maybe you meet your best friend for a drink every 3rd Thursday. Maybe you know no matter what, you turn off your phone every Wednesday evening to watch your favorite show interruption free. Putting communication boundaries in place helps to manage expectations and eliminate guilt and resentment.
Set guidelines for how you speak to one another. Teasing and roasting can be fun, but everyone has a threshold.
Set boundaries around the expectations in the relationship. What do you expect from them and what do they expect from you.
Finding balance, when you get to the heart of it, is all about knowing yourself and your limits. If we do the work up front to really get to know ourselves and figure out where we stand, it’s easier to set up some boundaries to manage our personal lives.
It was late summer 2017. My heart was pulsing so hard in my throat I thought it might choke me. You need to take a break, my best friend said to me on the phone. She was using her former retail manager voice, and my instincts said to obey. But I knew I couldn’t.
That’s impossible, I told her through hysterics. There’s no way. I cried harder, defeat threatening. Trapped.
That’s not okay. You’re not okay.
Yeah, no kidding. She was right. That wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay. I’d worked myself into the ground. I’d yessed my way into a miserable life. People pleasing: my poison of choice put me on the fast track to a breakdown. I’d done this to myself. And something I’ve discovered as a recovering boundaryless people pleaser is that I am definitely not alone.
Like a secret, underground misery breeding fight club, we’re all suffering and no one talks about it. And because we’re all programmed to be FINE, OMG SO FINE, shutting down the charade and admitting that we’re having a hard time feels impossible. So if you’re teetering on the edge, you might be relieved to hear that fixing this issue can be as basic as implementing some strategic boundaries. So, let’s chat about the tell-tell signs that you may need some boundaries.
How do you know if you need boundaries?
You’re feeling overwhelmed
Chances are you have a lot on your plate. And that’s totally fine! In many cases, it’s a wonderful sign of growth–whether you’re a business owner, a committed employee, or a woman in charge at home. But if you start to feel overwhelmed, that’s a sign that you need to implement a boundary or two.
Boundaries, in most cases, offer structure. They allow for you to live your life and operate your business within healthy perimeters that protect your wellbeing. So feeling overwhelmed can tell you a few things:
You need to have a heart to heart with yourself to get real about your capacity.
You need to introduce more specific structure to your day to offer you the appropriate amount of time necessary to focus in on your tasks at hand.
You need to get very specific about what you should and should not take on.
You feel resentful
This one is my personal boundary compass. I tend to yes my way into things to seem accommodating but then I immediately regret my choice. And then I’m met with my good friend resentment. This taught me that I needed to get real clear on a few things:
I needed to come to terms with why I felt compelled to agree to things that I didn’t actually want to do.
I needed to get comfortable with the graceful letdown.
I needed to learn not to just pipe up and take on responsibility for things just because.
You feel out of control
When things start to feel like they’re out of your hands in your own life, that’s a clear sign that boundaries are necessary. You are 100% in charge of everything that comes into and out of your life. Sure, we all encounter things we’d rather not–but those things come our way based on decisions we’ve made. I don’t always love that I can’t force my husband not to fall asleep on the couch each night–but I chose to marry him, so… 😉 (Jokes, but really–you get my point).
If things are feeling completely out of control, that’s a good sign you need to introduce some boundaries. You should be able to live your life each day on offense, not on defense.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these signs?
Acknowledging the need for boundaries is a huge first step. I know I lived in a state of denial for a really long time because once I knew I needed boundaries, that meant I needed to learn how to implement them. If that’s you, and you’re feeling a little lost, get in touch. I offer boundary coaching, and your first 30-minute session is free!
“I don’t know what I want.” How many of you have said this to yourself at least once in the past six weeks? Maybe you’re unsure about which direction to take your career. Or maybe you’re considering leaving your job and starting your own company. Things might feel foggy when it comes to your dating life or finding your passion. Whatever it is, we’ve all been there before. We’ve all stood in front of the mirror with tear-streaked cheeks screaming What do you want at the sad girl in the reflection. (Or maybe that was just me? Okay, moving on.) It’s time to find some clarity and determine what you want.
The thing is, you already have the clarity you’re searching for, whether consciously or subconsciously. Maybe you even have some sort of idea of what you want. You get a glimpse of it every so often, or a moment of passion will bubble to the surface. But for whatever reason, the full clarity is blocked by something; and that something is most likely fear. So how do you figure out what you want and find clarity? Let’s get to it.
What do you want?
When I decided that I needed to stop nannying back in 2016, I had a meeting with a friend to spruce up my resume. By that time in my life, I’d held basically every job under the sun including advertising executive, cupcakery manager, property assistant manager, and my personal favorite tanning salon manager. Take it from me, my resume was a hot mess. What do you want she asked me, a list of every last one of my skills open on her computer screen.
I want to work from home I told her. It was then that I started on about the different types of things I wouldn’t mind doing.
You should start your own company she told me. You’d make more money, you’d have more freedom, and you’d get to make sure you’re doing the kind of work you love. I really think you could do it.
It was that moment that changed everything for me. I wasn’t one to have a lot of confidence in myself–but seeing as though she was talking me out of hiring her to fix up my resume, I trusted her. Funny isn’t it? How we have an easier time trusting others than ourselves sometimes.
My wheels started turning. Since I was originally looking for virtual assistant type jobs, it made the most sense to me to start a virtual assistance company. My favorite answer every time someone asked me what do you want was still I don’t know. My only goal? Work from home. But as things got moving, I learned a few things about finding clarity…
Make one small decision
I decided to start. That’s it. I landed on a business name and bought the domain. I built out a simple Squarespace site. With that one decision came a lot more smaller decisions, and though I still felt really unsure, I made one decision at a time.
Something special happens when you make one small decision: you set things in motion. I know this can feel terrifying, especially if you aren’t 100% sure of some things, but trust me. Making one small decision is the first step to finding your clarity.
Start making moves
Those small decisions will require some action. So, now is the time to start making moves. For me, that meant embodying what it meant to be an owner of a virtual assistant business. I started drafting out service packages, following other VA businesses, and researching. And with every move, I found more clarity.
Keep tabs on how you feel
Because I was in action, it was easier for me to get a read on the situation. Think of it like this: you walk into a store and see a killer outfit on the mannequin. You envision yourself in the outfit, and you imagine how it might feel to wear it yourself. But then you get the clothes into the dressing room and realize the top is super itchy and the faux leather pants are cutting off your circulation. While it looked great from the outside, now that you’re in it, you know it’s not for you.
That’s what small decisions and actions do for your clarity. Now that you’re in it, how does it feel? Keep a read on these feelings and continue to make one small decision after another to guide yourself into the right lane.
The thing is, we’re all terrified to make mistakes. We’re afraid to waste our time and to make fools of ourselves. But that’s how we grow and change. Making a decision doesn’t mean you have to stick to it. You can try it out to decide if it’s right for you or not. And if it’s not, change it. But at least then you’ll know. I have made my fair share of mistakes (hell, I’ve probably made enough mistakes to cover your fair share, too). But if you look at the “mistake” as a lesson in how not to do something, growth happens. You test and change until you get it right.
Ask yourself the right questions along the way.
The important thing about keeping tabs on your feelings is to find out what those feelings are telling you. Make decisions and take action accordingly. But most importantly, to really find clarity, you need to ask the kinds of questions that take you somewhere.
I’ve put together a finding clarity guide that includes the actual questions I ask my clients when I guide them through this process. Get your copy now!
The truth about finding clarity.
The thing is, finding clarity is ongoing, it’s fluid. Things change; you change. That’s the way life goes. What might have been right in one season of your life might feel really, really wrong now. And that’s okay. What might have felt too scary a couple of years ago might seem like a piece of cake now. Look back over your life, examine the different seasons. See where you’ve grown, changed, evolved.
I will tell you this, clarity comes from a bold place. You owe it to yourself to try out the life you want. If you spend all your time wishing and dreaming, what good is that? Try it on for size and see how it feels.
