(For those of you who prefer to consume content by listening 🤗)
At the risk of sounding dramatic, things in my life sort of fell apart earlier this year. That just happens sometimes. Life is fine and then suddenly it isn’t. I’m a fairly optimistic person, generally so full of hope it can be nauseating at times. I’m the girl constantly seeking out silver linings and presenting devastation in a way that makes it sparkle. “This is good because…” But this time, things were different.
Hope slipped from my grasp, and I was stuck in negativity. I started complaining to anyone who would listen. And everywhere I turned, there was another disaster compounding the issue. There’s a physical feeling that comes with this state of mind. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve ever been stuck on a negative loop, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And what’s worse is that pulling yourself from that kind of state of mind feels nearly impossible. Stopping a ball in motion requires force and energy–but negativity drains you, leaving you with next to nothing to work with.
I KEPT SEEING ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL THAT WAS GOING WRONG.
Like a radio dial tuned into a certain frequency, I nestled into the things are horrible and nothing is going right station. And because the universe loves to deliver proof, all I kept seeing was the validation of that one fact. Until one morning, on my hands and knees, I begged for a sign. A beacon of hope. Something anything to indicate that the ship would eventually right itself and we’d find smooth waters ahead.
Little did I know that by simply making that request, I changed the station. I tuned into a different frequency. I started looking to the universe to offer proof of hope. And because I started looking for hope, I started to find it. Everywhere. But predominantly in one very strange way.
Nearly every time I picked up my phone, the time was in an increment of 12. The first time it happened, I noticed and simply had a wave of comfort wash over me. The second time I thought hey, that’s cool. But then I noticed how frequently it was happening, and it started to kind of freak me out.
Then I noticed 12s showing up in other places. Like the ETA on nerve-wracking road trips or when I’d screenshot a powerful daily horoscope (don’t judge) only to notice the time. These things just kept happening. 12s were everywhere. So much so, that I started to simply expect them.
With each appearance, my hope for the future grew more confident. God was sending little reminders that He had not, in fact, forgotten about us. The universe was proving what I was putting out into the world: that there was indeed hope.
I soon realized that I was simply finding what I looked for, and that was a powerful enough epiphany to inspire a shift in perspective. If I believed things were crap, and that things were going to crap, crap is what I was going to find. Let’s play a little game, shall we?
I’m going to count to five, and I want you to look around you. Take notice of all the things that surround you that are blue. Ready? 1…2…3…4…5…
Okay, now tell me about all the things in the room that are white. There are probably a number of white things in the room, but you weren’t looking for those. No, you were looking for blue, so you only focused in on the things that were blue.
Your mind works much the same way. If you look for hope, it is hope that you will find. If you look for darkness, darkness is all you will see.
If things are going sideways for you right now, and you feel like the universe is just dumping on you, I’d like to encourage you to change your frequency. You might not feel it from within initially, and that’s okay. So make it more like a challenge. At the end of each day, jot down 5 things that are good and/or that you are thankful for. Slowly, over time, things will shift into place. And trust me, it feels a whole lot better to be in a positive gear.
** I have had a few requests to provide audio for my blog posts. So if you’d rather consume this blog post via audio, here you go!**
This is a silly little tale that I hope will serve as a powerful wakeup call about the stupid things we beat ourselves up over. As you all know, I’m a scheduled kinda gal. As someone who gets anxious on a good day, plans and schedules just sort of help me know what to expect. I’m okay with deviation (why do I feel like I can hear my husband laughing somewhere in the distance…?), but I just feel better when I have a general awareness of what’s happening day to day.
Along with that, I like to do things the right way. I don’t want to do something twice. And I certainly don’t want to do anything that someone might call me out about. I’m 99% sure that last one comes from social media use, and I’m pretty sure the root of this story I’m about to share with you is the same.
THE TRUTH ABOUT BEATING YOURSELF UP
When I was in college, the things I would beat myself up over were:
Not being better organized with my time
Not studying hard enough for a test
Taking a day off work to enjoy a football game
Not getting home enough
Putting gas/food on a credit card
When I say “beat myself up over,” I’m talking about that internal bullying we all seem to be so good at. Giving ourselves a hard time. Harping on. You know, the silly habit we all have that sucks away so much energy.
Do you want to know what I beat myself up over last night? Well, good. Because I’m about to tell you.
I’m a fairly active person. I am no athlete by anyone’s standards, but I like to move my body regularly. I’ve made a habit of listening to my body when it comes to working out, so luckily, I never ever beat myself up over “missing” a workout. But before you pat me on the head for that one, hear this.
I was such a bully to myself last night because I gave in and washed my hair. I got a little off schedule with my workouts/hair washing days, so I’d washed my hair on Monday night. I like to go at least a day in between washes. Last night was not supposed to be a hair wash day.
You guys, if that’s not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I have a company to run. A home to maintain. Animals to keep alive. Clients to coach. But I exerted the energy to beat myself up over basic hygiene.
THE ROOT OF EVIL
We hold ourselves to an impossible standard. And worse, we make perfectly normal things wrong for no good reason. Up until 2011, I washed, blow dried and straightened my hair daily. D-A-I-L-Y. My hair never fell out of my scalp. (Well, except that one time wine was involved with a DIY highlighting job, but we don’t need to talk about that right now.) A bolt of lightning didn’t strike down and evaporate me from this earth. I didn’t even know dry shampoo existed.
But if you all only knew how much time and effort I spend calculating and scheduling hair washing days.
Washing your hair is not bad. But for some reason, we’ve made it so.
There are plenty of things worth holding to a high standard.
Be a good human.
Work hard.
Perform well on a test.
Don’t be a dick while driving.
Be a kind, loving wife.
Don’t live in a dumpster.
NOW WHAT?
But y’all. We’ve been sold a lie. We’ve been consuming so much content the last 11 years that it seems we’ve forgotten how to employ critical thinking. I love a good time-saving tip–probably more than most. And dry shampoo/skipping washes is an excellent trick to save you time. And sure, skipping a wash or two might mean less heat. That’s probably a good thing if you’re looking to grow your hair out or “baby” it after a disaster. (Again, the hair-falling-out highlighting incident comes to mind here.) But washing your hair every day is just fine.
I need this reminder myself, so I’m just going to say it in case someone else out there needs to hear it, too. Please, hold yourself to a high standard. That’s important. But employ critical thinking when it comes to the what. Social media has retrained our brains to believe tips and tricks are best practices always. And sometimes, y’all. They’re just tips and tricks.
There is so much in the world that requires our energy. Beating ourselves up over stupid things is just…well, stupid.
So in an effort to make myself feel better–tell me below. What’s something you’ve beaten yourself up over recently that in hindsight was just plain stupid? 👇🏻
You’re feeling a little lost. Confused. Maybe you’re feeling scared; unsure. Or maybe you’re experiencing analysis paralysis. Whatever your situation, uncertainty is plaguing you. You’re seeking direction, clarity, answers, hope, a sign, anything. If this is you, here are three signs that God is asking you to trust him more.
HOW TO KNOW WHEN GOD IS ASKING YOU TO TRUST HIM MORE.
1. YOU’RE FEELING ANXIOUS.
If you’re feeling anxious and worried, that’s a sign that God is asking you to trust him more. There’s nothing wrong with planning for the future. You’re allowed to work hard and to ask for a practical strategy to work hard according to His will. But if you’re full of worry, doubt, fear and anxiety, God is nudging you. He’s trying to get your attention to draw your eyes back to Him.
MATTHEW 31-33 SAYS So do not worry saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
2. YOU’RE FEELING A HEALTHY CONVICTION TO PRAY MORE
It’s on your mind. It’s on your heart. You find yourself wondering if you should be praying more. The seed has been planted and you’re feeling its impact. The thing is, a lack of prayer is a lack of trusting God. That’s hard to hear, but we’re all guilty of it sometimes. We get comfortable and complacent and suddenly we spend less time in prayer. We assume God just knows we’re thinking of Him and that we desire a relationship with him. Nope. That little nagging feeling is telling you that God is asking you to trust him more.
PHILLIPPIANS 4:6-7 SAYS Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
3. YOU’RE EXPERIENCING A SEASON OF TESTING.
Oof. We know this one well in the Hodges household. I’ve said before that I actually feel a sense of excitement whenever our world comes crashing down around us. It’s usually a strange, refreshing reminder to fix our eyes on God. I always know when things go wrong that God is trying to tell us something or he’s trying to move us. God uses our seasons of testing for our good. James:1 2-4 and Romans:5 3-5 say that God uses the pressures of life to cause us to seek his presence.
IN 2 CORINTHIANS 12: 7-10 PAUL SAYS Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I’ve noticed that my relationship with Christ is the strongest in seasons of testing, and I also believe that’s a clear sign that I need to get things in my life sorted out. We are meant to seek God first in all things. We’re meant to put him first in every area of our life always. And these seasons of trial are getting old. But it’s also true that we’ll be served up the same lesson over and over again until we finally learn from it.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TRUST GOD? HERE ARE 4 THINGS RICK WARREN SAYS WE’RE MEANT TO DO:
Ask Jesus to be your shepherd every single day.
Give Him 1st place in every area of your life.
Relax!
Let go of tomorrow and just trust God for one day at a time. (Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34)
Tell me, which of these three signs have you been experiencing lately? 👇🏻
I have a really complicated relationship with social media. I’d venture to guess you might, too. In fact, I know very few people who have a healthy relationship with it. I used to beat myself up over it. I hated how easy it was to get lost in the endless scroll–minutes then hours getting sucked from my day. It bothered me that I seemed to lack any self-control. Without fail, I’d find myself reaching for my phone, thumb poised over any one of the social networks (Instagram is my main drug of choice). Before I knew it, I’d be knee deep in the weird part of the explore page where I could hardly remember my own name or what day it was.
WHY I WANTED TO CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA
Before we get into the different ways to develop and maintain a healthier relationship with the various social networks, I want to share the negative impact social media was having on me. You’re probably already at least vaguely aware of them if not experiencing some of them yourself. But for the sake of comprehensiveness, let’s do a brief overview.
It was feeding my unwarranted desire for “more” and “better” when I have everything I need.
Awareness of what others in my field were doing would paralyze me into inaction.
Comparing made me really start to doubt (and dislike) myself.
My head felt constantly full of nothing.
I was unintentionally devoting precious time to it that I could have used to write, create or relax.
It would fool me into thinking I was actually “connecting” with people but would ultimately leave me feeling very lonely.
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA
PARTICIPATE IN A SOCIAL DETOX
The first thing I would recommend is taking a break from social media entirely. I’ve done this at two different times for two different durations. I learned so much about myself and the role social media played in my life. These breaks offered me an opportunity to see what else I could use to fill my time. They also reminded me of what it feels like to let my mind to wander and what comes from being bored. At the end of each detox, I felt free, clear-headed and focused. Along with all of that, these detoxes showed me:
I don’t really get anything out of social media
The “urge” I would feel to check the platforms was never partnered with “desire.”
While it can be fun, it is more often totally overwhelming
Keep track of how you feel during your detox. Listen to what your body, brain, and heart are telling you. Keep an inventory of your thoughts. What you learn from your detox will help you decide how to alter your social media usage to establish a relationship that best suits you. For the sake of this post, I’ll be sharing what changes I’ve made. A couple things to keep in mind:
Social media is vital to my business
While I (personally) don’t really get anything out of social media, I do enjoy it to some degree.
UTILIZE SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGEMENT TOOLS
Like I mentioned above, maintaining a healthy presence on social media is vital to my business. And in this day in age, I’d bet it’s safe to say the same is probably true for you, too. I struggled hard with this. For some reason, establishing some degree of separation and balance was incredibly difficult for me to sort out. I’d log into Instagram to post something and before I knew it, 25 minutes of story watching would pass and I’d click out and forget to post what I set out to.
When it comes to my business, I rely on social media scheduling and management tools. I have personal experience with Hootsuite, Buffer and Planoly and would recommend any/all of them.
SCHEDULE SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKS AND SET A TIME LIMIT
If you’re new here, I live and breathe by calendar blocking. I find it to be incredibly beneficial to my peace of mind and productivity. So when I started toying with the idea of changing my relationship with social media, it finally hit me like a duh-huh moment to schedule in blocks of time.
So, texting wasn’t really a thing when I was in high school (at best, you could send a “text” message from a computer to a cell phone number). But for the sake of this example, let’s assume it was. It would be inappropriate to sneak your phone out and check for a text in the middle of Biology class. But the second the bell rings, releasing you to change blocks, it was fair game. You would have 5 minutes to get your stuff together, haul ass across campus to English, and quickly check your phone. Once the bell rang to signal the start of English class, you knew to put your phone back in your backpack.
Create your own blocks of time in which it would be appropriate to check your phone. And the most vital part: set and enforce a time limit. I mean that literally here. Actually set a timer. If you’ve blocked out 10 minutes to check in and engage with your socials, set a timer for 10 minutes. When that timer buzzes, game over.
STAY IN CONTROL
When Facebook first came out, you would log in and scroll your “feed” until you hit the end. Yes, that’s right, your feed would have an end. But over time, social network developers discovered that if you introduced a never-ending scroll, users would spend more time logged in. Developers have spent countless hours researching user behavior to develop techniques that subconsciouslyencourage you to spend as much time as possible on their platform. They know what they’re doing. And they’re good at their jobs.
Ever feel like a mindless drone after a few minutes of scrolling? That’s a clear indicator that you’ve fallen prey to these techniques. We all have. So how can you stay in control? Here are a couple techniques I use:
♡ MUTE ALL STORIES ON INSTAGRAM ♡ This might seem aggressive, but hear me out. We are triggered by that little pink ring. Additionally, at the end of one user’s story, you’re rolled right into the next. When you mute all of them, you start to get a little pickier about whose content you consume. I scroll through my “muted” feed at the top and cherry pick which ones I’d like to watch. I’m not triggered by that pink ring. Best of all, when your entire IG Stories Feed is muted, stories don’t automatically roll into the next. So if you choose to watch @IGUSER1’s story, that’s it. When it’s over it’s over. You can then decide if you want to watch @IGUSER2’s story or @IGUSER3, 4, 5, so on and so on. You get the point. I can’t tell you how many times I realized I’d wasted over 25 minutes just tapping through all the available stories just to clear all the pink rings. Not anymore!
♡ FILTER & CURATE YOUR FEEDS ♡ We all know the story of that dreaded “obligation” connection. We’re also probably overly familiar with that one family member who rants and raves daily. Take control of what you’re seeing day to day by employing the “unfollow” feature on Facebook and the “mute” feature on Instagram. Both of these features allow you to remain “connected” to the individual, but their content will no longer show up in your feed. Additionally, you can mute various users and words on Twitter. Make these features your new best friends!
To be totally transparent, even with these tactics in place, I still struggle not to fall into bad habits. And sometimes I do. Instinctively, I’ll feel that random urge to grab my phone and click into Instagram when my brain needs a moment of reprise from whatever I’m doing. I will say this, the more you pay attention to your usage, the more you practice control, the easier it gets.
Tell me, what do you do to maintain a healthy relationship with social media? 👇🏻
I used to ask myself that question a lot. Even in the rare moments where I’d find myself nestled on the couch, glass of red wine in hand, a binge-worthy show cued up on the screen, I couldn’t fully exhale. I was unable to find that soul-cleansing breath that releases your shoulders and clears your mind. Despite the Instagram worthy esthetic of the moment, my chest still felt tight. My mind still raced. I would still catch myself every few seconds holding onto my breath. Relaxation was a fantasy.
Looking back, I understand it better now. I found that moment–a rare blank space in my day. Nothing about it was intentional despite the wine pouring and show cueing. I had nothing in place to protect that supposed bit of peace. Any minute, something, anything could interrupt my momentary bliss and send me spiraling. So my guard was up. Always.
WHY YOU CAN’T RELAX
Because like me, it’s likely there’s nothing sacred about the moments you choose to “sneak in” some relaxation. Like an item on your todo list, you go through the motions to complete the task. Wine poured? Check. Cake sliced? Duh. Cozy blanket acquired? Absolutely. But there, in that moment, you’re still anxious. You check your phone 1000 times, seeking out that fleeting dopamine hit. Texts still flutter in, any one of them threatening to steal your peace. An ambiguous deadline still looms, your unstable boss could call any minute to demand your time and attention.
Nothing about this peaceful moment is peaceful.
BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT YOUR RELAXATION
Vague, I know. But it’s not enough to just “sneak in” peace wherever it becomes available to you. Because you and I both know that is a very rare occurrence. And many times, we force relaxation by making the seemingly conscious decision to put something else off. That in itself introduces a whole different breed of stress and anxiety into the mix. We’ve all been there; that moment of “screw it. I’ll finish this tomorrow.” That is not relaxation. That’s procrastination with a fancy hat.
Think about what actually brings you peace and joy. Instead of filling the space with mindless scrolling and watching, seek out an activity that fills you up. Maybe that’s reading or going for a walk. Maybe that’s totally unplugging and meeting a friend for a long overdue dinner. If bingeing a TV show is something you actually want to do (instead of accidentally falling into), be purposeful about it. Allow yourself to look forward to it. Buy fun snacks and set the date with your couch. Add these things into your calendar and respect the appointments like you would a client meeting.
PROTECT YOUR MOMENTS OF PEACE WITH BOUNDARIES
The ingredient that is most likely missing. You wouldn’t take a personal call in a client meeting. You wouldn’t reply to a flurry of texts in the middle of a yoga class. You wouldn’t accidentally dive into a project in the middle of an accounting meeting. No. Because you have boundaries in place (whether intentionally or not) to protect those things.
Along with being intentional about your relaxation, you need to establish and implement some boundaries around it, too. Will your phone be out of reach on DND? Will your kids know not to interrupt? Will you know that your laptop will be shut up tight to avoid any mindless scrolling or project jumping?
What do you want your relaxation to look like? Then think through what rules (cough, boundaries…) you need to put in place to protect that dream relaxation.
BE CONSISTENT
My HS best friend and I used to have what we called veg n’ vent dates. We’d drive over to Cookout, grab some hushpuppies to share, a milkshake each, and we’d unload on one another. Puppyshakers is what we called each other because we were sixteen and adorable. (And now, as I typed that, it sounds like we shook puppies. We did not. No puppies were harmed in the making of a puppyshaker.) We did this weekly, a standing date. If ever we had to skip a week, we would say that our meter was getting low.
Your car needs gas regularly to drive. Gassing up whenever you find a spare minute or when you feel like it just isn’t going to cut it. You’ll break down on the side of the road. You’ll have to call your husband and explain what happened and well, he’ll make jokes, you’ll cry, and that’s just embarrassing. (Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…)
You need to make intentional relaxation a regular part of your routine. Either daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you need. Consistently relaxing on purpose does wonderful things for your state of well-being. It goes from emergency recovery mode to preventative maintenance. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.
How do you intentionally relax? If you already have some boundaries in place for those peaceful moments, what are they? 👇🏻
