I used to ask myself that question a lot. Even in the rare moments where I’d find myself nestled on the couch, glass of red wine in hand, a binge-worthy show cued up on the screen, I couldn’t fully exhale. I was unable to find that soul-cleansing breath that releases your shoulders and clears your mind. Despite the Instagram worthy esthetic of the moment, my chest still felt tight. My mind still raced. I would still catch myself every few seconds holding onto my breath. Relaxation was a fantasy.
Looking back, I understand it better now. I found that moment–a rare blank space in my day. Nothing about it was intentional despite the wine pouring and show cueing. I had nothing in place to protect that supposed bit of peace. Any minute, something, anything could interrupt my momentary bliss and send me spiraling. So my guard was up. Always.
WHY YOU CAN’T RELAX
Because like me, it’s likely there’s nothing sacred about the moments you choose to “sneak in” some relaxation. Like an item on your todo list, you go through the motions to complete the task. Wine poured? Check. Cake sliced? Duh. Cozy blanket acquired? Absolutely. But there, in that moment, you’re still anxious. You check your phone 1000 times, seeking out that fleeting dopamine hit. Texts still flutter in, any one of them threatening to steal your peace. An ambiguous deadline still looms, your unstable boss could call any minute to demand your time and attention.
Nothing about this peaceful moment is peaceful.
BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT YOUR RELAXATION
Vague, I know. But it’s not enough to just “sneak in” peace wherever it becomes available to you. Because you and I both know that is a very rare occurrence. And many times, we force relaxation by making the seemingly conscious decision to put something else off. That in itself introduces a whole different breed of stress and anxiety into the mix. We’ve all been there; that moment of “screw it. I’ll finish this tomorrow.” That is not relaxation. That’s procrastination with a fancy hat.
Think about what actually brings you peace and joy. Instead of filling the space with mindless scrolling and watching, seek out an activity that fills you up. Maybe that’s reading or going for a walk. Maybe that’s totally unplugging and meeting a friend for a long overdue dinner. If bingeing a TV show is something you actually want to do (instead of accidentally falling into), be purposeful about it. Allow yourself to look forward to it. Buy fun snacks and set the date with your couch. Add these things into your calendar and respect the appointments like you would a client meeting.
PROTECT YOUR MOMENTS OF PEACE WITH BOUNDARIES
The ingredient that is most likely missing. You wouldn’t take a personal call in a client meeting. You wouldn’t reply to a flurry of texts in the middle of a yoga class. You wouldn’t accidentally dive into a project in the middle of an accounting meeting. No. Because you have boundaries in place (whether intentionally or not) to protect those things.
Along with being intentional about your relaxation, you need to establish and implement some boundaries around it, too. Will your phone be out of reach on DND? Will your kids know not to interrupt? Will you know that your laptop will be shut up tight to avoid any mindless scrolling or project jumping?
What do you want your relaxation to look like? Then think through what rules (cough, boundaries…) you need to put in place to protect that dream relaxation.
BE CONSISTENT
My HS best friend and I used to have what we called veg n’ vent dates. We’d drive over to Cookout, grab some hushpuppies to share, a milkshake each, and we’d unload on one another. Puppyshakers is what we called each other because we were sixteen and adorable. (And now, as I typed that, it sounds like we shook puppies. We did not. No puppies were harmed in the making of a puppyshaker.) We did this weekly, a standing date. If ever we had to skip a week, we would say that our meter was getting low.
Your car needs gas regularly to drive. Gassing up whenever you find a spare minute or when you feel like it just isn’t going to cut it. You’ll break down on the side of the road. You’ll have to call your husband and explain what happened and well, he’ll make jokes, you’ll cry, and that’s just embarrassing. (Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…)
You need to make intentional relaxation a regular part of your routine. Either daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you need. Consistently relaxing on purpose does wonderful things for your state of well-being. It goes from emergency recovery mode to preventative maintenance. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.
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