by Joey | Apr 19, 2016 | Throwback
I found myself staring at a blank screen day in and day out, feeling compelled to become something that I’m not.
I found myself feeling bitter, jealous, and annoyed that others were successful at something I didn’t want.
I spent hours absorbing information I couldn’t verify.
And the next thing I knew, I was allowing myself to feel validated by networks I knew nothing about offering me brand deals I didn’t want to write about.
I felt frantic, desperate to make a living off of something I started for fun. An enormous pressure built up until finally it suffocated me into silence.
Why do we allow ourselves to get trapped in these realities that we create for ourselves? We trick ourselves into believing that we have to do certain things, be a certain way to be worthy. I felt unworthy.
It wasn’t until I realized I didn’t have to that I started to feel free. The weight started to lift, I could breathe again. The words, little by little, came back. I let it go. I had to let it go.
I was trading in my authenticity for approval, and I’m willing to bet that a few of you may be able relate to that. How many times have you found yourself in the middle of something before you realized it wasn’t at all what you wanted? And at that point, you’d come so far that walking away felt like a failure? An embarrassment? You’d have to admit you were wrong, that you’d changed your mind. I get it. Sometimes, at that point, it feels easier to stay. It seems easier to live inside that choice to save face. You convince yourself that you’re not being inauthentic, you’re creating a new reality.
But hear me, if it doesn’t feel right, there’s something living inside that feeling whispering that it’s okay to walk away. Sometimes you have to walk away, wander into the darkness of the unknown for a little while, just to feel like you’re finding direction again.
I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re willing to walk into the darkness with me. Turning my back on Hodgespodges felt scary. And I’ll admit that a good chunk of the decision felt wrong, like I was giving up on something that had only ever been good to me. But sometimes you need a new beginning, a chance to plunge forward into the direction you’ve been holding yourself back from.
I hid in the comfort of that world for too long.
It was time to break free.
by Joey | Mar 30, 2016 | Throwback
Last night, I leaned over the back of the couch to kiss my husband good night. I still like you, I whispered before kissing his cheek.
An odd thing to say, sure, but still the truth.
We met seventeen years ago in eighth grade P.E. class. Friends only, it surprised me most of all when I found myself falling hard for him just four years later at the start of our senior year.
But falling, for us, wasn’t fun or sweet or romantic. It was hard and real, it was shocking and terrifying. It was learning to accept love with conditions, and that reality for two seventeen year olds doesn’t usually work.
Except for us, it solidified everything. I stand by a claim I’ve made so often that it should be written on my tombstone. Having to make hard decisions together so early on paved the way to the kind of marriage I thought I’d only ever dream of.
We were forced to decide if being together was really what we wanted only a month into very casually dating. I won’t get into details, but we knew if we chose to stay together we’d face some difficulties for the rest of our lives. When you’re seventeen, it’s really easy to just walk away. Sure, your heart might hurt, but that’s the beauty of teenage love, you get over it.
But we couldn’t stomach the idea. I don’t know how we knew or why we knew, but somehow deciding that no, this is what we want no matter what was the easiest decision we’ve ever made. Neither one of us had ever known what forever was like, but we were sure.
I get asked a lot how we got from Senior Prom to Wedding Bells. But our situation was so very different, something we couldn’t manufacture. And really, our situation was designed to break us. Instead, it just made us two individuals who were strong enough to handle all the shit that life throws at us together. Our situation forced us to develop coping mechanisms. It afforded us the opportunity to strengthen our communication and voice our concerns, working things out together.
It’s funny to me now, actually. The whole thing was an epic nightmare, a story for another day. But in the end, it gave us both the most precious gift we could ever hope for–it taught us how to love unconditionally.
It takes a certain kind of strength
to make it from senior prom
to wedding bells.
Have the hard conversations early.
So when I leaned over the couch last night and told this man, whom I’ve been loving for thirteen years now that I still liked him, it was a pretty dang cool feeling.
by Joey | Mar 29, 2016 | Throwback
I ran to get bagels this morning. It was a hectic morning, and I was annoyed that my stomach was growling and my pantry was empty. After trying to ignore it for an hour, I found myself standing in line, counting the minutes I was wasting.
It was then that I saw a woman sitting at a table alone. She was among a sea of people with their eyes glued to screens, but there she sat, eating her bagel, unplugged, reading a newspaper.
It pulled me out of myself. Just earlier this morning I found myself fed up with the amount of bullshit that can be found on the internet. I’ve grown tired of having to decide what is worth my time, worth my money, and what isn’t. But that’s the trouble with the internet, anyone can, and everyone does, just put anything out there that might get a few clicks. It doesn’t matter if it’s real. It doesn’t matter if it’s important. It doesn’t matter if it makes any difference at all.
And ultimately, I fear we all fall victim to getting sucked into the bullshit, wasting our time. I’ll admit I wasted my money on e-courses that were bogus because I got swept up in the I’m looking for the secret recipe to success mentality that everyone seems to be selling these days.
Everything seems so rushed. Everyone is trying to find the next best thing, the quickest way to make a buck. They’re desperately clinging on to the current fad, not concerned with the quality of what they’re putting out there as long as they have the right tag line to get someone to bite and spend their hard earned money.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting success. But I just wish everyone would take a beat and decide what they really want before inundating us all with the same information over and over.
Seeing that woman this morning made me long for the days of verified information. We could rely on the outlets we paid attention to because they took pride in their content. They were held to some kind of standard. Even highly sought after online platforms are publishing garbage these days.
So how do we know? How do we know what to pay attention to? How do we know what is real and who is just looking for sponsors and advertisers?
What happened to real?
by Joey | Mar 23, 2016 | Throwback
I’m the kind of person who needs something to look forward to in the morning, or I end up having a really hard time getting out of bed.
I took my day job with the intention of using the schedule to aggressively chase my dreams. Moving back to Charlotte meant a lot of changes, chief among them, our rent tripled. Working full-time writing wasn’t going to be an option anymore.
When people hear that I don’t go into work until 11:30, their first question is why the heck to you get up so early? So today, I thought I’d share a glimpse into what my mornings look like.
5:00AM. The husband starts stirring for work and my alarm goes off. Sometimes I manage to jump right up and get my day started. Lately, if I’m being honest, getting up has been a struggle. Snooze.
5:25AM. I start to strongly consider getting out of bed. I’d love to get out of this habit, but I lay in bed for a while cuddling with the dog while scrolling through my phone. I also start my daily chat with Myra.
5:35AM. Coffee time. I don’t pass go. I don’t collect $200. I go straight to the coffee pot, pour in about two tablespoons of french vanilla creamer, grab a blanket + my computer and head to the couch. I allow myself to watch youtube while enjoying my coffee. I feed the pup and walk her.
6:00-9:00AM. I start working around 6. Sometimes this means scheduling social media. Sometimes it’s pounding out blog posts and articles. Sometimes it’s designing a website or business planning. Something it hasn’t been enough of lately is replying to emails. I suck at emails right now. I promise I’m working on it.
9:00AM. Get ready. I’ve been trying to develop some kind of habit or routine around this, but nothing’s stuck yet. My day job schedule is a little wonky sometimes, so I haven’t been as committed to the gym and showering at night like I’d like to. I watch Netflix on the iPad while getting ready. I need to break this habit, too. It tends to slow down the process. Sometimes I eat breakfast at this time. Sometimes I opt to eat at Starbucks.
10:00AM. I pack up shop and head to Starbucks most mornings. I’ve been trying to prioritize writing, and I hate that I do my best writing in a coffee shop. Luckily, I got a ton of Starbucks gift cards for xmas, so this habit hasn’t been costing me a dime. I will say, though, that I do have a coffee shop budget built in each month for this exact reason. I love that I tend to see the same people every day, and it makes me feel like part of the outside creative world.
11:20AM. My Starbucks is right around the corner from my job, so I love that I can write up until the very last minute. I pack up around 11:20 and head off to work.
I used to be such a morning person. And I guess by standard definitions, I still am. But I’ve just been tired lately. High school Joey is laughing in my face right now. That girl used to get up voluntarily at 4:45 every morning. Ridiculous.
What do your mornings look like?
Do you sleep until the last minute?
**Happy Birthday, Dad. I hope your first birthday in heaven is more than we could ever dream of.**
by Joey | Mar 22, 2016 | Throwback
Whenever you’re trying something new, there’s a pretty standard period of time where you feel a bit like a fraud. When I started running, I felt awkward and weird when I’d wander into the active wear section of Target. I felt like I didn’t belong there because I wasn’t a runner. I was just trying to be. I was working toward being a runner. I couldn’t run more than 5 minutes at a time without stopping when I bought my first pair of running shorts, but it was all part of the process.
I’m a runner now.
There’s nothing fraudulent about that statement.
But we all have to start somewhere any time we try something new. I like to look at it like we’re redefining ourselves a bit. You live your whole life not doing something, and then suddenly you take it up. You’re redefining part of the mark you leave on the world.
It can be scary. The fear of the unknown is real and can be all consuming. You worry about the judgement. You worry about the failure. But mostly, you spend a lot of time feeling like you’re just pretending. Maybe you’ll even utter Oh who am I kidding? I’m just fooling myself. But what if you’re not? What if you have to fake it until you become it?
That’s really the only way to do anything, isn’t it? When you start out, you’re not a professional or an expert. You’re trying it. You’re testing out a role. You’re pretending what if. And if you like it, you keep doing it. You practice the pretend until it becomes real. Until it just becomes a part of you.
I feel like so many of us stop before we even try because of the fear of judgement. That was something I had to get over when I started running. I dreaded seeing other runners. I hated getting lapped. I worried they could all tell that I was just pretending. I worried they all believed that I didn’t belong in their club. But it didn’t matter. I knew I was just starting out. So I let myself believe any time I saw another runner that they were sending me “good for you” vibes. I don’t know if that’s true. People probably did judge my form or the fact that I was slow. But I didn’t let myself believe that.
I’ve gone through something similar with writing. I’ve always been a writer, but I was waiting for the world to validate it all for me. I went to school for writing. My degree is English with a concentration in Creative Writing. I’ve practiced writing every day. I’ve provided content to this blog almost daily for the last seven years. I’ve published a book. I’ve contributed to various websites. But whenever I tell someone I’m a writer, I feel like a fraud, like I’m just pretending.
So you tell me. What makes you feel like a fraud? What do you think it’ll take for you to feel validated? I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like a good writer (I’m pretty sure all writers struggle with that), but I do believe I’ve earned the title of writer if nothing else.
I faked it until I became it.
