by Joey | Nov 28, 2016 | Real Life
I’m the kind of person who loves well-done, realistic TV. I put myself in the stories, relating the characters to my life. I take what I can use and leave the rest. So I’m sure you can imagine how I might have felt while watching the Gilmore Girls revival having lost my own dad just this January.
Edward Herrmann, the actor who played Richard Gilmore, the patriarch of the Gilmore clan, passed away in late 2014. Richard’s passing is a prominent storyline in the revival; Amy Sherman-Palladino allowed each Gilmore woman to cope with the loss in their own messy way, sharing their individual search for closure.
Emily’s journey through her grief hit particularly close to home.
While losing a parent is difficult in its own right, the earth-shattering shift in your universe is enough to knock the wind out of you, coping with the familial aftermath, for me, has been the hardest part.
People focus on the one who has passed, but they forget about those left mourning the loss. I’m not just mourning my father’s death on my own. I’m mourning for my siblings and my mother, empathizing their pain.
Our year, especially for my mother, has looked painfully similar to that of the Gilmore women. We’re preparing to sell the house I grew up in, the one my mom has called home for the past 30 years. My mom is learning how to handle life on her own after having had a partner for the last 46 years.
The scene with Emily on the couch, chaos and boxes surrounding her in the house that no longer feels like her home, stabbed like a knife. She sits next to Lorelei in jeans and a t-shirt, attire Mrs. Richard Gilmore would have never been caught dead in, and confesses:
I don’t know how to do this.
That scene wasn’t much unlike one that unfolded in a kitchen that was once so familiar to me over the weekend. While discussing the Christmas decorations, my dad’s stocking came up.
With tears in her eyes, my mom asked me. What do I do with it?
Our mantle over the years has always been a source of comedy, a family that started with just two in love evolved into an army.
The truth is, none of us knows how to do this. Loss and grief are nicely hidden amidst uncharted waters where you lose your grip on every sense of familiarity.
The only way through it is to continue to do whatever feels right. While I agree with Lorelei when she tells Emily nothing is going to bring you joy right now, I’m certain the joy will return. All we can do is keep leaning on the traditions that were once joy filled and wait.
I told my mom to put the stocking up if it brings peace to her heart. I think either way though, with or without it, the pain will remain.
But as I binged my way through a year in the Gilmore life, a year that looked much like my own, I found peace and comfort in their loss and its familiarity.
by Joey | Nov 24, 2016 | Throwback
I took this week off from work. In case you’re new here–it’s been a terribly difficult year. We rang in the new year by losing my father in January. Then I launched a company and left my day job. Keep yourself busy everyone said. I did. And I was tired.
Breaking my own rules, I took a work meeting for Tuesday. I figured I’d call my mom while I was getting ready. We hadn’t spoken in a few weeks and I wanted to finalize Thanksgiving plans. The voice on the other end of the line wasn’t my mother’s. What’s wrong?
We’re not exactly sure. We have the EMTs here with your mom right now. They’re taking her to Rex.
I cancelled my meeting and jumped in the car. A three hour drive stood between us, and I wasn’t wasting a minute. It wasn’t until I was halfway into the drive that I realized I was still in my pajamas. Whoops.
As I drove, I thought about the year. Losing a parent shifts your universe. It has the ability to suck you down and drown you in darkness. But my world wasn’t dark. My year, though difficult, was full of light and cheer and love. We found strength in numbers. My family, once seven, was still whole. It was still strong. We bend, we shift, we adjust. We love and we lose and we survive.
Thanksgiving 2015
The drive felt like it took forever, but I finally made it to Raleigh.
Relief flooded the room when the cheerful doctor cruised into the room announcing a kidney stone. We won’t spend another holiday with a sick parent.
This year, our traditions change, and that’s okay. The day will still be filled with laughter and love, with a few important voices missing from the chaos. But we survive together. The light always wins.
Happy Thanksgiving.
by Joey | Nov 17, 2016 | Advice
I hope I’m not alone here, but I’m thirty years old and I’ve never kept a proper budget. I tried once, several months ago. It was scary to take a focused look at our finances, but I actually found the whole process oddly comforting.
It didn’t last.
I’m not surprised.
Life is busy. Time moves quickly and money is strangely hard to keep track of. And is it just me, or is something always popping up? Someone’s getting married. Someone’s having a baby. You get a nail in your tire. A group of college friends are renting a cabin for the weekend and have invited you along.
I can stick to a plan like the best of them. But planning for the un-plannable is where everything gets messed up.
Don’t try to convince me that you can plan for that stuff. I don’t know what kind of money wizardry you’re capable of, but unless it’s a solid, rounded out expense, it’s nearly impossible for me. Fluff and emergency budgets never fared well in this household.
I decided on a whim to factor out what we’ve spent on rent in the 6.5 years we’ve been married. If you ever need to force yourself to throw up but aren’t a fan of the finger-down-your-throat tactic, I highly recommend you give it a try.
$81, 040
Keep in mind here, folks, that we got super lucky with our housing for the two years we lived in Buies Creek. We had a lovely house for next to nothing. So that number could be way higher.
How the hell are so many of us making such poor money decisions?
No one talks about it. No one admits that they have no idea what they’re doing. No one advises high school and college students like they should. We’re all taught to keep our money talk to ourselves.
I was always making money. I started working the day I turned 11 and was deemed old enough to babysit. I had a steady part time job in middle school making $100/week. Not shabby for a pre-teen. I spent my summers nannying. I babysat practically every weekend. If I wasn’t in class in college, I was at work. But I never took the responsibility to learn how to take care of that money.
If I’d only made saving money a priority, we’d be pretty damn close to paying off a house by now.
That actually makes my stomach hurt.
I’m not sure I want to know where all my money went over the years. I mean, I have a pretty good idea. But we’re going to take a serious look at the money situation and work through some actual, tactical action steps to get a handle on that slippery green stuff.
Operation buy a house.
A couple important things to note as I start this series:
- My husband and I share our finances 100%. We do not have separate savings or checking accounts. I realize some will argue that is a horrible way to do things, however, we are a Christian home, and it works for us.
- I recently left my day job to launch a business. I did carefully & intentionally set money aside to bridge the gap from my day job and when I’d start taking a steady salary from the business.
- Edited to add (thanks to Myra’s comment :)): we only spend what we have. We no longer use credit cards.
Let me know in the comments below if you keep to a budget, or if you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pantser like me.
by Joey | Nov 14, 2016 | Real Life
Good morning, friends! Happy Monday! I’m determined not to be distracted and to have a hella productive week. I woke up with a scratchy throat and a hint of stuffiness, but if I can just power through this week it’s relaxation city partners! Myra and I made the executive decision to close the Bliss offices for the entire week of Thanksgiving because a break is desperately needed. I gotta say, being the boss sure is nice sometimes!
Anyway, I learned a few things this weekend that I wanted to share. Let’s get into it, shall we?
Be a Good Human
I stood in a very long line at Aldi this weekend. The only available cashier addressed the crowd, a wonderfully diverse group of people, and asked for us to bear with her, apologizing for the wait. Instinctually, we all confirmed that she shouldn’t worry. We had all the time in the world.
It was then that I looked around me and saw people from all different backgrounds and races being good humans. And it reminded me that when we step out from behind our computer screens, it’s not so easy to label someone by their vote. Instead, we see each other for the type of people we are. Are you kind? Are you polite? Do you smile at stranger when they smile at you? Be a good human.
Even God Rested
We officially launch a huge project for Bliss today. And that’s meant there has been a lot of behind the scenes work the last few months (and there will continue to be until December 23rd–if only you could see my Asana right now). Working for myself and working from home is always the dream, but it comes with boundary issues. So Saturday morning, I woke up pleasantly early and fixed myself and Jonathan a nice breakfast. We grabbed the pup, ditched our phones, and went for a beautiful 5 mile walk on the greenway. Now that’s pure bliss.
Just Start.
A year from now, you’ll wish you’d started today.
You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. It’s sweet and powerful but easy to dismiss. My book, Yeah, maybe, recently got an interesting review on Amazon. The five star rating from a this perfect stranger ended with:
One huge disappointment: after finishing the book I went to see what else the author had written and thus far “Yeah, maybe” is her first any only book.
I’m big on signs from the universe. When Myra and I started Bliss, we had one major agreement in place: she had to promise Bliss wouldn’t get in the way of being mom, and I had to promise it wouldn’t get in the way of writing more books. The truth is, if I collected all the time I spend mindlessly (and begrudgingly) scrolling social media, I’d have enough time to write five books a year. I think it’s time for a priority shift. I’m 20,000 words into my current manuscript. Time to get grinding.
by Joey | Nov 10, 2016 | Advice
My favorite thing about people is that none of us are exactly the same. I love hearing people’s stories. I love connecting beyond the small talk. I love knowing what makes you tick, feeling your passion, and seeing your heart.
Passionate people make my heart sing! I’m genuinely interested in what you have to say. I learn the best stuff from people different from me, and I share energy with those who are similar.
The best thing I’ve learned in my adulthood is that those with different opinions actually aren’t all that different from me at the end of the day.
I take everything personally. I’m an ISFJ Myer’s Brigs personality type. You share your heart with me, and it will become my heart. You share your passion with me, and it will become my passion. I like you. My heart is open, and some of my deepest, most meaningful relationships are with people who are 100% different from me in every way possible on paper. Healthy debate is wonderful and powerful. But like with anything, there are fine lines.
How to maintain positive relationships with people with different opinions.
Find Respect.
It’s not our job to judge whether those around us are right or wrong. But human decency tells us that we should at least do our best to find respect for one another. Respecting people doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to like them. But you should at least give people a chance to earn your respect. People might surprise you.
Listen.
What do you have to lose beyond a few “precious” minutes? But what could you stand to gain? Listening is a gateway to understanding. And understanding doesn’t mean you agree, but it brings things back to a human level. I will say this: I’ve listened to a lot of people, most with wildly different opinions from mine, and I’ve very rarely regretted it. In fact more often than not, a deep, meaningful respectful relationship has developed from it.
Find Empathy.
Can you say with confidence that just because you believe you are right that you know for certain they are wrong? I rely heavily on this thought practice: I have no right to tell someone else how to feel. I used to hate it when people would tell me not to feel how I felt. I can’t turn it off like a faucet and neither can they. I believe empathy is in all of us, you just have to give it a chance.
Agree to Disagree.
You can be friends with people you don’t agree with. Pushing to push or spewing hate is mean, ugly useless and unproductive. Not everything requires your comment, and sometimes your relationship should take priority over proving that you’re right. My favorite thing to do is agree to disagree. You have a right to your opinions, and you most certainly have a right to feel the way you do. And so do I.
I’m afraid we’ve forgotten how to talk to one another. I’m afraid we’ve lost sight of important things like healthy debate, intentional conversation, and human decency. But I haven’t lost hope. I like when people surprise me.
Surprise me.
