Update!

by Joey | Nov 9, 2013 | Throwback

Hi Friends!

I wanted to pop in for a quick minute and just thank all of you for your constant support and all the thoughts and prayers through this unbelievable medical situation.  I can’t believe all the ups and downs and all of the scares we’ve been through in the last few months.

I met with a surgeon today who agrees that the root of my pain is a faulty gall bladder.  Surgery is being scheduled for the very near future!  An end is near!!!!

Thank you all again.  And I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without your constant support!

I can’t.

by Joey | Nov 7, 2013 | Throwback

Can I admit something weird to you?  For some reason whenever I want something (whether it be a goal I want to accomplish, a piece of clothing, a certain job or even to master a certain recipe), I have this I can’t float through my head.  I see things and immediately make an excuse for why I can’t have them.  I make an excuse to not even try.

Oh, only other people get to have those things.

It’s the weirdest mentality.  And I really don’t know where it came from.  But where it really stands in my way is the whole writing bit.  I have had it in my head for as long as I can remember that while I can sit behind my desk and write all day long I’ll never get to be a real writer.  That only happens to other people.  So I let the mentality stop me.

I don’t even think it’s a matter of being worried that my writing isn’t good enough.  Because in all reality, I read enough to have seen some pretty crummy books make it onto bookshelves.  There have even been times when I’ve had to stop reading a book because even though the story was fine, I couldn’t get over the writing.

What this I can’t does to me is it stops me from ever even trying.  I haven’t sent my first manuscript off to a copy editor.  I haven’t even finished my query letter.  I haven’t called the editor at the publishing company who expressed interest.  Because why bother if I can’t. 

But why can’t I?  There is no God given reason that I shouldn’t be able to be a writer.  There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to submit portfolios to different magazines and newspapers and freelance here and there.  I am perfectly capable.

And yet that pesky I can’t buzzes around my head like a fly I can’t swat.

This all goes hand in hand with the whole letting-go-of-the-fear-to-be-yourself bit.  That’s something I’m challenging myself to lately.  That’s half the reason I started vlogging.  

I can write.  There’s no argument there, really.  My writing style might be different than mosts.  And I know there are parts of writing that I suck at (hello, grammar and tense agreement).  But that doesn’t mean I’m not a writer.

So suck it up, Jo.  And swat the damn I can’t.  Let go of the fear.

Brave

by Joey | Nov 6, 2013 | Throwback

Because on the inside?  We’re all afraid of being judged.

I admitted a few years ago that I didn’t always like myself.  I’m awkward.  I forget the right words to say.  I get giggly and fidgety around new people.  I get annoyingly excited.  I’m loud.  My posture is horrible.  My eyes are squinty and my nose is pointy.  I like crappy TV shows.  I like shallow things like glitter and makeup.  I do nerdy little dances at random times for no reason.  I’ll make up words to songs that are in my head–off key.  

I’m weird.

But in all honesty–aren’t we all a little weird?  Isn’t that what makes life so fun and different and exciting?  Can you imagine how boring life would be if we were all identical drones?  I’m always so worried about what someone might think of me–assuming that what they’d think is something bad.  I never stopped to consider that maybe some people out there might like my weird.

I see other people, and I assume that’s how my life should be.  Just like in HS, everyone falls into some kind of place.  But now instead of it being that they have the shiniest hair, the prettiest clothes or the hottest boyfriend–it’s that they have the best job, the fanciest house, the most adorable kid.

I’m always nervous when meeting new people and they want to get to know a little about me.  What do you do?  What do you like?  What’s your life like?  I get nervous because on the inside I’m afraid of being judged for liking pop music and candy.  I would eat cheeseburgers every day for the rest of my life without ever pretending to like kale but what if they’re a health nut and they’ll judge me for this?  I’m afraid that when I say I’m a writer they’ll immediately ask if I’ve been published and then what if they don’t qualify me as a writer because I’m just some girl sitting behind a desk pretending?  I get shy when people ask me what kind of books I like.  I’m a writer, I should like deep and profound novels–but I like fluffy reads and cheeky mysteries.  

What if I’m just not good enough.

Lately, though.  I’ve really challenged myself just to like myself.  Just to be myself.  I’m most myself here on this blog and on twitter.  I mentioned that to a friend of mine the other day–about how we all have slightly variated versions of ourselves.  My voice is the truest in those two settings.  Well, there and at home with my husband.  And with my best friends.  And with my family.  I can be delightfully weird and painfully loud without ever worrying they’ll hate my weird.  

There’s the chance people might judge me.  But there’s also an equal chance they’ll like me.  I forget that side of the coin sometimes.  And maybe you do, too.  I can get all gushy and cliched on you and tell you that what others think of you isn’t important–that all that matters is how you feel about yourself.  And while that’s very true, it’s hard to shake the the thought of what if they judge me.

But you’re on an even playing field.  Everyone out there is just as afraid of being judged as you are.  Every person in this world would be lying to you if they said they didn’t have some kind of insecurity.  Find the qualities about yourself that you love.  I promise you–others will love your quirkiness.  Because no one wants to spend time with a cardboard cut out of a person.  

When I saw this music video, I thought about what I would do or feel if I saw someone dancing randomly by themselves in a public place.  Would I judge them?  Probably not.  I would stand there and watch and feel my heart swell at the fact that they were having fun.  And I can’t help but think most of you would, too.  When I’m out and I see people just outright enjoying themselves despite how weird they might be coming across, I feel proud of them.  And I can’t help but think other people out there feel the same way I do.  So stop hiding your weird.  Be Brave.

six point five

by Joey | Nov 5, 2013 | Throwback

I dug through a collection of papers.  Some bled red with incorrect answers.  Some were cheery with birthday wishes.  And then there it was.  Nestled snug in a plain white envelope adorned with handwriting I knew well.  As I slid the note from its envelope, I felt my blood run cold knowing that tears were inevitable.  I reclined onto the sofa and prepared myself.  I opened the letter.

It was six and a half years ago that I got the phone call that took the air from my lungs.  There’s been a lot of life in those years that he’s missed.  Moments I’d hoped my whole childhood to share with him.  Moments that as they were happening, I couldn’t believe he wasn’t there.

The words blurred on the card stock.  Words I’m so thankful I’ve saved.  Words I didn’t cherish when he wrote them because I was just an oblivious teenager.  Words I’d forgotten he’d written.

Guess who?  

Your mom said I could write you a note as you go on this retreat.  I was so glad!

I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you.  I am so proud because I have seen you grow into a very wonderful person.  You have such a great heart, always helping others.  You are so sweet and special and I know you will be great in whatever you do in life!

I love you very much and hope that you always know you have a friend in me.

You are so very dear, I want you to know you are always in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

Be good to yourself and always remember the special person you are.  Take care.

As I folded the note and tucked it back into its envelope, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.  I was lucky to have been so loved by him.  I was lucky to have shared so many moments with him.  And I am lucky to have this reminder.  It struck me as almost painful how much this letter seemed like his send off to me.  His charge to go off in the world with or without him and be the person that I am.  

It’s been six and a half years since I received the call that took the air from my lungs.