I spent some time at the end of last week going through my journal. I do this sometimes when I need to be reminded of the other seasons in my life, good and bad, to reconfirm the one belief I hold firm always: everything is temporary. Good or bad, the only constant is change. And when you’re in the midst of a storm, that belief is astoundingly comforting. And when you’re in a season of blessings, it’s a good reminder to savor it. To live in the moment.
While flipping through the pages, though, I found something I wasn’t looking for. Noticing it on one page, I flipped to the next, hoping I was wrong. Flip. Flip. Flip. Damnit.
Page after page, I found myself literally begging God for things. Desperate for him to hear my cries. If you just do this, I… promises being made left and right. At first my heart sank, remembering those moments so clearly, experiencing that pain all over again. But then, I flipped the page only to find that God delivered. He answered my prayers often and with urgency. And yet, instead of seeing an ounce of gratitude on the page, all I found was more begging.
The blessing kept getting completely overlooked. I’m not even sure I was internally checking off any boxes, tick–okay–handled, thanks— before moving on to the next dumpster fire I was begging for Him to put out. I literally couldn’t see the blessings, the answers, and they were right in front of my face.
One answer after another left completely unnoticed. Un. Grate. Ful. Looking at those pages now makes my stomach turn. But just as I was hoping, they’ve helped me in this current season of my life. Those pages helped me find understanding as I tried to make sense of what I’ll from-here-on-out be referring to as The Great Breakdown of 2017. They serve as an important, albeit painful, lesson in what went wrong.
Lead with an ungrateful heart, and God will stop you dead in your tracks.
Disaster after disaster, desperation kept piling up, and after a while, I suffocated. Once again, I begged and He delivered. Because He is a good and gracious Father. And like any parent, no matter how many times his kid screws up, gets it wrong, misses the point, he reaches out his hand and rescues, certain that in time they’ll learn.
The truth is, God only wants what’s best for us. But He will allow us to make mistakes. He will walk with us even when we’ve turned onto the wrong path and deliver when we ask for favors along the way. But that path, wrong or not, is on purpose. It is meant to teach you something. I took God’s blessings along the way as signs I was making the right choices. And at that moment, in that season, that was the truth. Because that path was an important part of the greater purpose.
Without all of those pages filled with desperate pleas and proof of answers upon answers, I can’t be certain I would have learned this lesson. The Bible teaches us how to properly ask God for things. And you know what it says? Present your requests to God with thanksgiving. ::insert facepalm emoji:: The truth is, God can and will still deliver if we ask without a heart full of gratitude (I’m walking proof of that), but those blessings won’t last.
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