My junior year of college, one of our friends confided in me that he’d bought a ring and was proposing to his girlfriend. Instead of feeling happy and excited, I was overwhelmed with jealousy.
It didn’t matter that we were only twenty years old, but my boyfriend and I had been together for 4.5 years, and I thought it was only fair that I get a proposal, too.
It was like a switch had been flipped. Suddenly, if it wasn’t a proposal, I was miserable. I was poison. Toxic. I missed out on every experience because I was too busy pouting over something that in the end wouldn’t matter.
He didn’t propose until spring 2009. One year after college graduation. And the moment he handed me a ring, the switch turned off. It was like I woke up from this haze and realized how much time I’d wasted being miserable over something that I knew would eventually come when the time was right.
Despite how isolated I felt, I’ve learned in the last 6.5 years that I was definitely not alone in this feeling. My self inflicted misery might have lasted a little longer than most (cough, thanks husband. I kid…sort of), but apparently a lot of girls can relate to the all consuming impatience that I felt all those years ago.
I watched many of my friends get engaged. I stood at their sides when they tied the knot, a diamond embarrassingly lacking from my left hand. With every wedding, every holiday, every gathering, the questions and comments flooded in, fueling the fire. You’re next…or are you? So, when are you getting married. …tick tock tick tock tick tock.
I felt this enormous pressure over something I had absolutely no control over. It didn’t seem to be enough that J and I had gone through hell and somehow still survived. It didn’t matter that we were 100% committed to each other. I needed a piece of jewelry to validate our relationship to the world.
A few weeks ago, while on a coffee date, a new friend confided in me, sharing her feelings on her situation. Suddenly, I was sitting across the table from the twenty year old version of myself and my heart instantly recognized that suffocating, uncontrollable impatience.
Well, she asked. Do you have any advice on the situation?
I wish I did. I wish I had the magic words to make that feeling evaporate from her heart, from your heart. But I don’t. All I can tell you is that in the end, it doesn’t matter. The moment J handed me a ring, the evil sitting in my soul deflated in a single, relieving breath. I instantly regretted it all. I think back over every event, every date, every supposedly fun outing that ended in all consuming sobs, and I want to shake the former version of myself, telling her to just let it be.
Try to be present in the moment. Celebrate your relationship in its current season. You don’t get this time back. I missed out on the last two years of our dating relationship because I was blindly trying to navigate it to the place it was already heading. Instead of speeding up the process, I missed everything in those last moments of our journey.
Don’t be like me. It feels nearly impossible to just trust timing, I know, but take it from me there’s no going back. I’m not proud of the person I was in that season of my life. But I learned the lesson so hopefully you don’t have to.
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It's so hard sometimes to make your heart and your head reconcile, isn't it? I didn't have the same struggle for an engagement, but you've seen the struggle for getting pregnant and it took a long time for me to just accept that things happen when the timing is right — and that some things are way out of my control.
You & J are an amazing couple! Love you both!
Great advice about being present in the moment, it's hard to not be jealous of others. But their timing may not be your timing. Love hearing more about your love story <3
Green Fashionista
Completely 100% agree! Not to be cliche, but hindsight is most definitely 20/20.
Oh man yes! Although mine was the opposite in a way. After JB and I talked about marriage as a definite for us and he told me to go pick out rings I liked to give him an idea I expected a proposal at every turn until he told me he wanted to talk to my Dad in person (who lives in Germany until the Holidays)….so I'm sure the mania will start again post-holidays lol
Oh my gosh that was me! Haha. I felt like all of these people were getting engaged except for me. Including my sister. Chris and I went on a trip together and I thought that it was going to happen during the trip. When it didn't, I got upset. When it really did happen months later, the negativity left me right away. So when I hear these girls stressing out about getting married, I'm like eye roll. Haha. Kidding!! People need to just enjoy life and if you are with the right person it will happen and be amazing. Thanks for sharing lady and I hope that you have a lovely day! 🙂
This is really great advice…I had this feeling too for about 6 months before I actually got engaged thinking every dinner would be THE DINNER…but eventually it happened lol! xo, Biana –BlovedBoston
Ohhh do I feel you here. I wasn't expecting it quite as long, but I had been ready for about a year. It certainly was frustrating at the time, and it truly would have been nice to be engaged sooner, but I don't think I would have been ready for the rest of the stuff that comes with it before that. The engagement season and wedding was sweeter because of where we were in life (both figuratively and literally) just a year later:)
I can completely relate to this. I felt so much pressure from every one else that I felt the need to give Cory an ultimatum. Now, it was just that if he bought a new guitar before buying me a ring, I was out (but I mostly kidding) but still…looking back how awful is that??? I'm shocked he even gave me a ring!
I can relate to this… I'm from a very small town, so when I saw all my old friends getting engaged, married, and having babies when I didn't even have a boyfriend, I felt completely 'behind'. We got engaged very quickly, and although, I wouldn't take a moment of that back, I too was that girl constantly asking my boyfriend when it was going to happen.
One of my friends is going through this right now … and I keep saying sister, just enjoy your free time before you have kids and wish you were just carefree dating again hahahah, err, I mean … I also wish I would have enjoyed that time more.
You have me so very excited for the next stages of life! lol lol 😉
I was that girl too – everyone was getting engaged…except me. I was so jealous – so incredibly jealous. I'd have meltdowns because I felt 'behind.' But then it happened and it was the perfect timing. It was our timing – not anyone else's. But with that being said when you're that person going through this it's hard to not be jealous. It's hard to just live in the moment. But you have to TRY. Make a point of telling yourself to just live in the moment. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is at that moment. Great advice girl!
Renee – http://www.thechiway.weebly.com
Comparison is the thief of joy, isn't that what they always say? Sometimes we get caught up in comparing our relationship to others and we feel like we are behind. But we are all on our own time. Sometimes it is just hard to see that and be present in it. A great reminder!
OMG girl. You are speaking to all of us here, I think. I had a friend who got engaged right away. She had been dating her boyfriend the same amount of time as Aaron and I (3-4 years). I was so mad and jealous and upset. It just happened over and over too. I couldn't be happy for anyone that got engaged because I was caught up in the "why not me!"
Finally, 5 years after that, Aaron proposed to me, and it was the most perfect moment of my life. I felt so embarrassed for not supporting my friends in that magical moment. It's not cute to be that girl, and sometimes you don't even know that you're doing it. Great post!!
I definitely know that feeling as do many of my friends. Great advice!
I remember sitting in Chicago and Mark telling me that this was the weekend he had originally planned on asking me but he was going through huge work changes at the time and didn't feel it was the right time to ask me such a huge question when his life was so up in the air. I at the time was like….ummmmmm seriously!!?!?!? However, in the end it all worked out but the waiting game is never fun for anyone.
I went through this too. I think as women it's just in our nature to feel this way before we get engaged. And it just feels so amplified when everyone around you seems to be getting engaged, having babies, etc.
I am sorry to hear that you felt like that! I know so many girls that are feeling that way. My bf and I have been together for 4+ years now and I don't think either of us are ready for that. Sure I'd love a ring, but I'm not loving the idea of marriage yet and that's definitely important to remember. It's the forever part that's the true importance not the symbolical part of it on your hand. Thanks for sharing so openly!
xo,
Sara Kate Styling
Love this post! I feel like so many girls can relate to feeling this way. Admittedly, I wasn't one of them. In fact, Ty had to wait for me to be ready (and it only took 5 years!). But, I love this message and think it's applicable to so many different areas of life. You don't always have to push things. Just trust timing, and let things happen naturally—as frustrating as it might be!
xoxo
Kat 🙂
i love this 🙂 it's so true, isn't it. KC had a deadline, we thought I'd be getting deported otherwise, but he still took ages and finally I broke down and was like dude, you want me to stay in this country? wtf? It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be when you're ready. He was waiting for the perfect time, lol. He proposed that night and it was like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.. although, I'm gonna guess that not everyone has to worry about being deported or whatever. Lol.
This is probably one of the most relatable posts I've ever read. As I sit here, 27, in a 5 year relationship the "waiting" truely is suffocating sometimes. Each new engagement, wedding, and BABY adds an uneasiness I know I shouldn't have. I try my very hardest to not let it over take me. But every time HE plans something I get my hopes up. So stupid. So naive of me. I need to live in the moment and know when it's meant to come it will come. Yet I still so often catch myself being that "silly girl" I don't want to be. All for a ring. All for a someday. I really wish you did have the answers on this one!
Totally agree. I wasted some time fretting about it too. I just kept expecting it and each time it didn't happen, I was disappointed even though I tried not to be. Good advice, Joey! We should find the joy in our present circumstances 🙂
Wonderful post! I love it:)
irenethayer.com
This is a beautiful, honest post! I remember thinking DG was going to propose the first Christmas we were together, and I was consumed. And then I got over it. He proposed the following Christmas, and that's when I realized that the proposal happened when I was least expecting it. You're right about finding joy even when we're feeling negative. Seriously, beautiful post! xo
This is such a great post!!! 🙂
I have a similar problem but fast-forward one milestone: I am eager to start a family. It seems like everyone around me is having babies and I'm last in line. My husband and I have talked about timelines and what is best for us. I have been trying to tell myself that I need to enjoy the "now" and stop worrying about catching up to other people. Great post.
I can't really talk because I got engaged 2 months into dating my now husband…but I can say that now that I'm married I still feel a lot of pressure to buy a house and have kids and finish school ASAP and everything that comes with being married. It's always something, even when the proposal is over.
The Rad Wife
I've definitely been there. The questions made it so much worse!!!
I totally relate to this post. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8.5 years, and still no ring. It's hard when I have seen friends who have only been dating a couple of years get engaged and married, yet still not that time for me. I try to tell myself we are at different spots in our lives than other couples, and our time will come. We have dealt with health issues and then my boyfriend going back to school, so it just was never the right time. Hopefully soon though! Thanks for posting!
XOXO
Natalie // Sprinkled with Pearls
I think I'd much rather wait it out than rush into things too quickly. Joey and I have been together for almost 10 year and we still aren't married. He told me in our first year that he wanted to marry me but I never got a ring or anything. Then he gave me a ring a couple years ago but didn't really propose (didn't talk to my father, didn't get on one knee, didn't even ask "will you marry me") so it was more of a promise ring kinda thing? Idk. I'm really in no rush to get married and have it on paper. We've been together so long already and still love each other immensely so there's no doubt that we'll be spending the rest of our lives together.
This is my favorite of all the comments here!
I think there are a lot of women who make a big deal about getting married at the same time as everyone else. I don't live close to my high school and college friends so I suppose that's one reason I've never felt the same pressure but I hope to get married someday… Soon… And yes, I have a favorite engagement ring picked out (wink wink)