You all know the situation.
Someone catches you off guard and throws something out there
that you just don’t want to do.
But you’re standing there.
And the silence hanging in the air is suffocating you.
You can’t for the life of you
think of an excuse fast enough.
And then, before you can stop yourself, you’re saying yes.
And you hate yourself for it.
Often times, when I offer an excuse (whether valid or not) for something I don’t want to do, I’m met with a rebuttal. And I could only be so strong, and then–even after I’ve said no, I’d find myself reluctantly agreeing.
I had to get to a place where I was comfortable just saying no. Because in all honesty, when I reply with just “no, thanks” or “thanks, but we’re not interested” what else is there to say?
…nothing.
That overwhelming desire we have to make everyone else happy? What is that. Because all too often we sacrifice what we want for the sake of others. And you know what? You don’t always have to do what everyone else wants you to.
This does not give you license to be rude. No. But in my opinion, as long as you aren’t stopping them from doing what they want, why can’t you do what you want?
We get caught up in this fear that we’re going to be perceived as selfish. And you know what? It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. We grew up learning to be nice and to share. But how come there wasn’t ever a lesson on making sure we’re nice to ourselves? How come it was never beaten into our heads that while it’s important to share, it’s equally important to make sure we’re also happy.
When J and I first got married, we found ourselves drowning in expectations. Our holidays were spent running ourselves ragged only to leave us silent on the drive back to where ever we called home at the time because we were spent and unhappy. It’s not that we didn’t want to see family. No. That wasn’t it at all. But we forgot to factor our own happiness into the equation. We forgot to ask ourselves what we wanted.
Most of us are people pleasers. It’s how we were raised. Be polite. Share. Be nice. It’s not all about you.
But sometimes you are enough.
And sometimes what you want is enough.
And sometimes you can just say no without needing a excuse at all.
I need to print this out and carry it everywhere with me, so when someone is stressing me out I can just read this, get strong, and say no! I am great at the excuses but not so great at the simple no (which is really so much easier than an excuse)!
I'm a little too good at saying no. Honestly, I say "no" pretty automatically. Whether it's to a suggestion of Scott's ("Let's go to Alaska!" "Let's get a 2nd dog!" "Let's buy 35 acres!") or a kid at school or someone asking me to volunteer for something. The answer is always no unless you can tell me why it should be yes. Kind of like a guilty until proven innocent thing.
In fact, just last month, Scott was all, "I want us to dogsit" and I had a fit because I knew he wouldn't be here and it was me who'd be dog sitting. However, the dog was the nicest dog and so easy to care for. And then the owner gave me waaaaaay too much money to watch him and I felt terrible.
I need to learn to say "yes".
There is something so FREEING about mustering the confidence to say no.
We set the rule when Henry was born that we would not travel on Christmas Day, because I was always carted around town on Christmas when I was little, when all I really wanted was to stay home in my jammies with my stocking. When we told our families, we both expected some pushback – but everybody was completely understanding, and it has been my favorite "no" EVER.
Anyway, you're right on point here, as usual. Embrace the No 🙂
You are so so right, girl. Learning to say no is incredibly important. We do so much, and even if we want to help others… sometimes a "no" is in order.
When we were first married I was like that. Always worried about someone being upset if we didn't spend time with them, or what people were thinking. Finally I was like you know what, no. Not going to be like that anymore, and I'm going to learn to say NO and be OK with it. While it might cause some drama with people, they'll eventually get over it. Plus I think that they respect you more. As for the holidays, alternate who we spend them with and it has worked for us for the past few years. You just can't be everything to everyone, and yeah its OK to say no sometimes!! 🙂
Really great post!!! I always say yes to things I don't want to do or go to events that I don't want to go to – because of the feat that people will perceive me as selfish or boring or whatever! You're totally right – it's ok to say no and not feel bad about it!!
You are so right! Fortunately I am pretty good at this now, but there were times I wasn't!
I can't tell you how much I love this, and agree 100%! So true. My favorite part – "But in my opinion, as long as you aren't stopping them from doing what they want, why can't you do what you want?" I never understand why someone gets mad if you say no when it doesn't effect them or what they're doing at all. This is something I've focused on more this year and gosh it's freeing and truly makes a difference in your happiness.I'm starting to think we're the same person 😉 Haha.
Right after Little K was born I felt tons of pressure to make sure she was at every single family event, finally I just started saying we're not going to make it this time. Best thing I've ever done, it just gets to be to much!
This is a really great post, and great reminder. It's weird to me that I find myself feeling like I have to provide a reason beyond the "no" if I give one (and sure, sometimes they're necessary). Like I'm scared to offend a friend or a stranger who's asking me for something… I could give so many examples. I'm not only bad at saying no in general, but saying no without giving some sort of reason or follow up. All of what you said makes perfect sense and I should start being a little more assertive/selfish. I think it would do good to take this type of pressure off ourselves sometimes. 🙂
This is something I am always working on. In high school, I used to lie to people and say I was sick to get out of plans that I made that I didn't want in the first place… once I realized that was an absolutely horrible thing to do I try to make a point to be honest and nice about what I want to do. It's always hard to jus say no without giving an excuse but we shouldn't get stuck doing things we just aren't interested in!
xo Julie
julieupstairs.wordpress.com
It's hard to say NO but it definitely needs to be done. I can completely relate to your scenario of running around to multiple places on holidays to make everyone else happy. We are starting to rethink our plan for the holidays with a toddler this year.
Yes!!! I used to have a really REALLY hard time saying no and always tried to come up with an excuse or I would just say yes and hate myself like you stated above. In the last year or two, I find myself being able to say it a little more than never, which is a huge thing for me! I just love this and you are so right, if you say no thanks….what more can be said?!
I definitely have no problem saying "no." LOL Sometimes I even follow up with a "I don't want to." 🙂 hahaha
Exactly!!! It has taken me many years to get to this point. Great post!
So good. I still have a hard time at times, but I definitely notice a difference in my stress level when I just say no. Thanks for this lady! xo
Preach girl! Seriously, I struggle with saying no a lot. I just feel bad and you're right sometimes it's good to be selfish. I'll have to try saying no one day, I'm sure it will feel liberating haha.
http://www.jerseygirltexanheart.com
I have honestly thought about this a lot the past few weeks. For me I need to practice saying no more, more specifically saying no without saying sorry. Many of the point you made here could also be used in the saying "sorry" category. What an awesome and motivating post!
You know how much I love your writing girl! Seriously this has been the biggest thing and accomplishment I've learned with growing older…..finally learning how to say no and protect that mental health!
Sing it!
My first instinct used to be yes and now it's no. SO important to know that in order to say yes to someone else, you need to not be saying NO to yourself.
One of my favorite posts I've written is on this topic! http://www.lifeaccordingtosteph.com/2012/04/art-of-saying-no.html
Love this post! I struggle with this daily… and its frustrating! Saying 'No' to make time for what brings you happiness is enough!!
Well said by them asking they shouldn't always have the notion that you will always say yes:)
My worst nightmare is when someone catches me off guard! Then like 5 minutes later I'm like why did I have to get so flustered and agree to something I don't want to do?! Other than that, saying no is something I've got a lot better with in recent years- as long as I'm not caught off guard of course!