This is hard for me to admit. But for the sake of keeping things extra real around here, I think it’s probably important to share.
I keep a paper journal; I always have. And no, that’s not what I hesitated to share. But sometimes, when things get extra rough, it’s nice to have documentation. It’s comforting to look back at other experiences knowing somehow, we made it through.
So the other night, I was digging through my past. And I found this…
I always thought
my opinions, desires, thoughts, etc
didn’t matter
because I was just me.
Seeing that, reading those words, knowing that I lived my life that way for a long, long time makes my stomach hurt. When you’re shut down enough times, you stop bothering. You start to question if anything, anything, you say, think, want, even matters. To live your life feeling like less of a person than anyone else around you is not okay. And don’t even get me started on the whole “just” thing. You aren’t just anything. Do you hear me?
I have my theories, but it’s hard for me to pin down exactly why I lived a good chunk of my life feeling that way. That I didn’t matter. That I wasn’t enough because I was just me. And as I grew up, I watched my friends blossom in to these confident, competent people, and I just felt lost. Because who was I to get any of the things I wanted?
I felt like I wasn’t enough.
It’s hard, isn’t it? To look at yourself without comparing. To identify your talents, your strengths. Because it’s so easy to tell ourselves that someone else probably does it, or is, better. And the thing is, that’s probably true. There are probably people all over this planet who are better at so many things than me. And that’s okay. But that doesn’t make me less of a person. The fact that someone out there does it better doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Or that I’m not good in my own way.
Basically, I just want to remind you that you are you for a reason. A very important reason. And some of us are still seeking our purpose. Some of us already know it. Some of us are completely confident. Some of us struggle daily. And the honest truth is most of us are a cocktail of all of the above. And that’s okay.
I don’t want you to ever have those thoughts. The kind I shared above. Being you is never a just thing. Being yourself is the hardest and easiest thing you’ll ever have to do. And who you are, what you are, matters.
And maybe you just needed someone to remind you of that.
**For the sake of extra realness, this post was written and posted in real time
I can relate 100%. I probably still feel that way sometimes. But I agree. We all matter. And YOU matter a lot to me. Your advice, words, stories and wisdom really do make a difference in my life. I could listen to you talk for hours. You have this way with words that not many do. 🙂
Just yes!!! I think we all have those moments of self doubt. I remember sharing some of my feelings and insecurities with a friend awhile back. She is one of the four girls that I have lunch with on Fridays. And she just sat there shocked that I was insecure. She had no clue. She said she saw me as the confident leader of our group. Me? It was crazy to think that. We all matter. I love that you reminded us of this today!
Just YES. I'm a lot better than I used to be but I have always struggled with insecurity and feeling like my opinion or thoughts don't matter as much or at least don't matter to most people. I guess growing up as the "quiet one" I always felt overlooked and invisible. Now that I have grown and matured some I don't feel that way as much, but it still creeps up on me sometimes! Thanks for sharing this!
I think our identities can get wrapped up in what we do, not who we are. All through school, I did was I was "supposed to" in order to be a whole person. In college "oh I'm going to be a teacher". "Oh, I'm an army wife". "4th grade teacher". Then I really struggled in MIssouri when I gave up the teacher thing, which is why I probably latched onto a new job so quickly there. I needed that identity.
Anyway, I feel you on this. I keep a paper journal with just little things in it, but I keep a lot of word documents with full manifestos lol.
I love this, it's hard sometimes to not have a job or significant other define who we are. It is so important to realize who we are and how important we are.
Thanks Joey! 🙂
I keep a paper journal too. There's something about looking back at something *real*.
I needed to hear this today.
I love this!! I kept a paper journal for a long time and the sort of forgot about it…but sometimes when I'm feeling down or feeling like I need to really remember a moment or thought I'll write it down just so I can look back and see how far I've come!! xo, Biana – BlovedBoston
Such a great post… and it was much needed on my end lately. So, thank you! 🙂
xoxo
Kat
I love this, darlin. I think allll of us can relate, because who hasn't had those feelings, whether it be a single moment and feelings that last a long time.
<3
I really needed to read this today. I've already had a completely self-defeating experience today that left me feeling completely useless, worthless, and so far from where I really should be. It's been a rough Monday. Thanks for this <3
Yes a million times to this! Over the weekend I was thinking about how often I think I'm not doing anything extra special or am I ever doing anything that's really worth blogging about or talking about? But I realized how important it is to remember that each person has their own journey and the fact that it's so different from anyone else's is what really makes it special.
Loved this! We are all in different stages, loved this post.. Btw, I think I fixed the reply thing, will ya let me know? 🙂
Xo
This is beautiful! You are so true and this is why I constantly try to stop and remind myself that I don't know what others are going through. And I certainly have confidence issues. You always hit this at just the perfect time. xoxoxo
I could write a whole post in response to this because yes. All of it.
My favorite line in the whole post is "The fact that someone out there does it better doesn't mean I can't do it. Or that I'm not good in my own way." Because YES.
Great post girl! I think I spent my twenties battling all that that you mentioned. I hate that I lost a decade to comparison and ill thoughts that I wasn't much. Today I'm confident and happy and could care less what others think. I like my skin. Hugs to you beautiful girl!
Great post girl! I think I spent my twenties battling all that that you mentioned. I hate that I lost a decade to comparison and ill thoughts that I wasn't much. Today I'm confident and happy and could care less what others think. I like my skin. Hugs to you beautiful girl!
I'm still so insecure — and think it'll probably only get worse when I have this kid. BUT I am a million times better than I used to be. I kept a paper journal all through high school and through college, and there was some pretty awful stuff about myself in there. Thanks for inspirational Monday posts; they always make me think!
Mmmm…needed to read that today, Joey. Thank you, my friend! I constantly struggle with those feelings.
Love your honesty! It's tough sometimes for me to look back on certain blog posts from the past because of these same reasons. But we all struggle with these inadequacies – some of us are just better at admitting it than others. Love you friend! I'm so glad you know that you matter and your words – oh my gosh they matter! XOXO
Lovely post girlfran. I catch myself saying 'just' far too much.
Wow! This was a really awesome read. It's a weird thing to think about, that just because someone is better at something or more successful than me, that my opinions matter just as much. Thank you for sharing!
Oh my goodness, thank you for this. Having a chronic illness makes you feel this way big time. And it's something I think a whole lot of people feel even if they're healthy. So I think I've got it doubly bad. Knowing someone else feels the exact same way–and shouldn't just as much as I shouldn't? Again, thank you. This is one of those posts I'm gonna be sharing and keeping around. <3