I heard a therapist once say to focus on stocking your own kitchen so that if someone comes knocking on your door with a pizza, you only choose to let them in because you want to see them and not because you’re starving. I took that a step further when I went through something personal recently: When I opened my door, I needed to trust the person enough to know that there was an actual pizza in their box before I let them in.
I’m ashamed to admit that while I did an excellent job of applying that advice to certain aspects of my life, I’ve done a terrible job of it when it comes to who has full access to me.
In doing this, I’ve landed myself in situations recently where I’ve come to learn the full weight of the statement it’s not your enemies you have to worry about.
I used to say that I’ve always struggled with friendships — but after doing a real audit, I’ve realized that’s not actually true. It only feels that way because I assume friend until proven otherwise. Which means I’ve been proven otherwise a lot. But I’ve also been proven friend enough to have a handful of long-lasting friendships that are deep rooted.
But perhaps it’s time we start being a little more protective about who we let in.
You and your peace are worth protecting
Maybe you just read that and rolled your eyes thinking duh. You’ve heard some iteration of that sentiment your whole adult life. (Side note: It’s funny to me that we don’t get taught that validation as a child but everyone and their mother are quick to affirm it to adult women. I have so many thoughts here, but this isn’t the blog post for those.)
But if you’re like me, you heard it but you didn’t absorb it, digest it, apply it. Or worse, you didn’t believe it. (🙋🏻♀️)
So many of us allow the outside world to tell us who we are and what we’re worth. And that usually leads to a miserable existence, an experience I’d liken to being put in a dryer with rocks.
But you already know what I’m going to say here: you are worth protecting. Your peace is worth protecting. I don’t care who you are, what you’re capable of, your education level, the color of your skin, what you do for a job, your relationship status or anything else. You are worthy. Your peace is worthy. Inherently worthy. You don’t have to do anything to earn the right.
I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I believe in Jesus. And even the bible instructs us to ABOVE ALL ELSE guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23.
Protecting your peace isn’t selfishness. It’s stewardship. And in case you need the reminder (because I did), stewardship is defined as: the job of supervising or taking care of something, such as an organization or property.
Being selective is wisdom not snobbery
I don’t mean for this to turn into a vocabulary lesson, but I often have to be reminded of the true definition of a word. Wisdom is the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
Why wouldn’t we want to apply wisdom to who we do and don’t allow to have access to us? It seems so obvious when I write it out. But in the moment, it’s easy to forget. We get caught up in wanting to be kind and open and generous that we forget that we are wise. And we got that way from the knowledge we’ve accumulated from our experiences.
We feel guilty drawing a boundary, but that discounts our value by offering access to everyone. This is especially true if you’re a recovering people-pleaser. (Again, hi. 🙋🏻♀️)
You can be kind to everyone and still not give them access. You can love everyone, but some people you need to love from a distance. Kindness does not mean access. Love does not mean access. Heck, Jesus loved everyone and still only gave access to 12. And even he was betrayed by one he gave access to.
Let me ask you this: how many people have a key to your house? Is your heart not more valuable than your home?
Red flags to watch out for in friendships
Energy vampires. You have to psych yourself up to spend time with this person. And you leave the interaction feeling depleted. They’re exhausting in every way possible. If you’re experiencing this with someone consistently, it might be time to re-evaluate your involvement with them.
Drama magnets. (This person may also be known as the exaggerator, the attention whore or the liar.) Something major is always going on with them. They share the kind of stories that make you raise your eyebrows and think either you’re the unluckiest person on the planet or a big fat liar. Someone always did something awful to them. Or they witnessed the craziest thing at the gas station. Or the person standing in line behind them at the grocery store said the most out of pocket thing to them. There’s always something. And it’s always the craziest thing you’ve ever heard. 🙄
The gossiper. This one is simple: If they talk about them to you, they talk about you, too. This usually surfaces from a place of insecurity and always from a place of judgement.
Lopsided investment. True friendships are a give and take. They’re not always equal all of the time, that’s just not how life works. But the glory of a true friendship is that where you lack, they shine. Where you shine, they lack. Or when you’re up, they’re down or vice versa. You compliment one another. If you find that a “friend” is all take take take and conveniently unavailable when it comes time to give, reassess.
Not your people. This one often gets overlooked, but I think it’s important. Someone can be a genuinely good person but not your person. Everyone has different moral compasses, core values, priorities, beliefs, etc. And while it’s beneficial to make sure you’re surrounding yourself with those who are different from you in some ways (no one should be in an echo-chamber), it’s also perfectly respectable to recognize that a good person still isn’t a person you want to have around. You’re allowed to have preferences.
Friendly vs Friends
There’s a difference between being friendly and being friends. Be friendly with the suddenly established group of moms who have kids your child’s age who get together often for playdates. That doesn’t mean you have to let them in. We get confused there. Deep rooted intimate friendship is a slow burn. With a life partner, you go on many dates. You exchange life stories, experience shared adventures, engage in deep conversations before making the choice whether to let that person in — really in.
The same, technically, is true with authentic friendship. Again, you can be friendly — but that doesn’t mean friend. I used to proudly say that once you’re in — you’re in with me. I showed the same love and care for every person in my life.
And that’s all well and good. Sure, be a good person and operate according to your core values in how you treat someone. But that doesn’t have to mean access. It’s also an especially dangerous way to operate if you have no standard in which you determine who gets let in. (Guilty. Again. 🤦🏻♀️)
Intentional, selective friendships are rooted in authenticity, shared values, respect and a mutual love for one another. Not convenience. Friendly relationships can develop into an intentional, selective friendship. Consider the “friendly” stage the “dating” phase if you need to look at it that way.
This is where the quality over quantity argument comes in. You can be friendly with many, friends with few. If you have 20+ deeply rooted authentic friendships in your daily life, more power to you. I envy that. Most adults have a handful. And more commonly, those friendships are spread out across space and time — which is why adulthood, especially motherhood, can feel lonely. We have the friendships – they just live far away or they’re in a different season of life. We crave what we had in high school or college — or even what we experienced in our early adulthood when friendships were easy to come by because we were constantly in front of people.
Friendly is good. But friendly can also feel lonely because if those relationships aren’t developing into deep rooted, authentic friendships, they’re just surface level. As humans, we crave deep connection. So we often try to force deep and authentic where it simply isn’t. And that’s where we get hurt.
The magic of intentional, selective friendships
These friendships survive. They survive distance, time, fall outs and life changes. The mutual love and respect is so well established that you can be honest and real. You challenge one another, encourage growth and change. You can offer perspective without fear of the whole thing imploding.
As a person who prided herself on being friends with everyone, when it came time to choose my bridesmaids, I struggled. I got married young, so I didn’t have the life experience I have now to know and understand that some friendships that might feel deep and real in the moment wouldn’t follow outside of a certain season.
So I implemented a standard. I have IBS. And it can flare up especially bad in moments of excitement or stress. My wedding dress was massive. So I envisioned a scenario in which my stomach flared and I needed someone to hold my dress in the middle of an incredibly vulnerable moment. So, I only picked the friends I knew would jump in, comfort me and make that experience way less awkward and uncomfortable just by being who they are. I had four bridesmaids. And while I don’t get to speak to them every day because life is busy and we’re separated by distance — if I called any one of them right now, they’d be here in a moment. And the same is still true for them of me. I got married 15 years ago.
That’s the value of intentional, selective friendships: depth, trust and emotional security. They’re invested and offer quality support when necessary — whether that’s emotional support, physical support or financial support. Your energy is spent on relationships that will nurture you in return. And you experience peace with these friends — there’s no drama, no social politics. Your relationship is built on mutual trust, respect and love so the noise of daily life doesn’t threaten it.
Practical ways to protect your peace
The most powerful way to do this is to know what you’re looking for in a friendship. Know how you want to feel, how you want to show up, how you want to engage in conversation, how you want to be challenged. Knowing who you are and what you want and the standards you intend to keep are all a huge part in protecting your peace. How can you protect your peace if you don’t know what your peace looks like or what threatens it?
Practically speaking, this looks like limiting your availability to people who don’t respect your boundaries or who don’t show you respect. Have a friend who has said something out-of-pocket to you once? Ok, maybe they’re having a bad day. But if they consistently do it? Move along. They don’t respect you.
Take note of how you feel after spending time with someone. This will tell you so much of what you need to know when it comes to making the decision about who does and does not have access to you.
Allow yourself to let certain friendships fade away without guilt. Over time, people will show you who they are. And you’re allowed to make the decision of whether or not who they really are is someone you want around you. There doesn’t have to be some big fall out or fight. You don’t have to hate them or vice versa. You don’t have to make them the villain in the story. Just let the relationships fade away without pomp and circumstance.
Pray for wisdom and discernment before choosing to deepen a relationship. I once heard something so powerful: discernment is knowing the difference between your Peter and your Judas. Peter had a bad day. Judas had a bad heart. You restore your Peter, you release your Judas.
Encouragement if you’re struggling with friendships
You’re allowed to be selective and intentional with whom you spend your time. With whom you let in. With whom you share the deepest, most vulnerable pieces of you. You’re allowed to keep your inner circle filled with only people who bring out the best version of you.
You’re allowed to let people go who don’t make you feel good. You’re allowed to set the boundaries for those who consistently disrespect you. You’re allowed to discern good heart from bad. You’re allowed to have standards and commit to not bending them. You’re allowed to protect your heart for everything you do flows from it.
Your people are out there. If you’re feeling lonely right now, I’d encourage you to really assess all of the friendships you’ve had in your lifetime and narrow in on the ones you feel are deep rooted and authentic — even if you’re separated by distance or season of life. Reach out to them and get time on the calendar with them, even if it involves a trip or a Facetime date.
I did this recently after experiencing some disorientation when it came to “friendships.” And it’s done my heart and perspective a world of good. You probably already have your people, they just might not be next door.
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