If the world was ending

I was digging through an old wallet the other day (an original HOBO wallet, I feel like I should tell you only because it’s probably the only somewhat fashionable thing I’ve ever owned) and I found an old business card. It was from my Bliss days, and the title under my name made me laugh. CEO + all the words. Myra and I thought that was clever. I was all the words. She was all the numbers. And together we just made sense.

I held the card in my hands for a moment, flipping it over and back again trying to remember who I was back then. I could conjure up the memory; Myra and I in a Zoom meeting all smiles and so full of hope. We were doing things. And things were happening. And we felt positively electric.

THAT FEELING IS INTOXICATING, IF I’M HONEST. THAT FEELING OF DOING. OF TRYING. OF BEING IN MOTION.

I am the biggest cheerleader of the doing. Because, as I’ve said probably too many times at this point, the doing feels better than the wishing. And even despite that, I spent a lot of 2019 not doing. I spent a lot of time so deep in a hole of depression last year that there were days I honestly couldn’t recognize myself. And I don’t say that for dramatic effect. I sincerely had moments where I had actual trouble identifying anything about my existence that felt familiar. It was alarming, and I drowned in shame most of the year. The more depressed I felt, the more shame I experienced. Rinse & repeat.

I knew doing would make me feel better. I love the feeling of productivity. I love a challenge, learning new things. But I couldn’t. I just…couldn’t. In a fit of frustration, I’d plan out a wonderfully productive tomorrow before I’d climb into bed. Then I’d wake up and discover that just getting out of bed was enough.

I don’t share this for pity or sympathy. I share it because it’s real. And it can happen to anyone. I’m the girl that’s usually so full of smiles and joy that the most frequent label to describe me growing up was annoying. But you’re not new here. Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, and sometimes we just can’t.

IF ALL YOU CAN MUSTER RIGHT NOW IS SURVIVING THE DAYS, CHEERS TO YOU.

I’ve binged an entire series. I’ve left laundry in the dryer for days and days. I’ve left a majority of the cooking to my mom (one perk to our current living situation). The side of my brain that wants to do is still awake. It still nudges me throughout the day, whispering you know you could… And it’s not wrong, I could. But right now, I just choose not to. My heart and head are not in the right space.

If I try hard enough, I can bring myself right back to that moment with the business cards. My little office in our Charlotte apartment was so full of daylight and everything about it was bright and cheery. I can remember what it felt like to be on the brink of something huge. To recognize that I was standing at the start of something wonderful and so full of unknown.

Here’s the deal. We’ll all get back there, friends. Back to a place where everything feels electric, bright and cheery. And it’s okay if that’s not how you feel right now. Don’t make things worse by shaming yourself for not feeling any certain way.

There is no guidebook for how to thrive in the midst of a freaking global pandemic. Actually, as I say that I can almost guarantee some overpaid influencer has published that content. And on their behalf, I’m sorry. 2019 was a very normal year in the grand scheme of things. Jobs were lost and found. Moves were made. We were not left destitute and, you know, there wasn’t a virus spreading like wildfire. And I spent 97% of the year barely functioning.

However you’re feeling right now? You’re not wrong. Whatever you’re doing right now? As long as you’re not causing yourself or others great harm, it’s not wrong. You do not need to write the next great novel. You don’t need to learn a new skill. It’s okay to just be, to just survive. It’s okay to watch the news and feel scared. It’s okay to miss your people, and it’s okay to feel great disappointment in all the things undone.

We were so close to starting the next chapter our lives before all hell broke loose. I feel that disappointment, friends. And that’s okay.

We’ll make it through this, okay? And if you’re feeling just so dang lonely right now, well, know I’m here. I make one heck of a Zoom party buddy. And these days, despite it all, I have found my smiles again. And I’m happy to pass them around like warm baked cookies.

Ooh. Cookies.

Until next time, friends. Stay strong.