There’s an emptiness. An un-wholeness. A sense of brokenness. It sits inside my heart, and I can’t be sure if it’ll ever go away. It’s not a sadness, exactly, though I am sad. It’s more the revelation that things won’t ever be the same ever again.
There’s a sick feeling that fills the pit of my stomach whenever that thought washes over me, which lately has been often. I feel weird and torn, like my world should be upside down and yet I still wake up every day. I still function, and I don’t know how things just fall back into their rhythm as if nothing happened at all.
But the truth is, the world keeps turning, and we have to find a way to spin with it, even when nothing feels right at all.
This might sound foolish, but I thought I’d be okay. I thought I understood what it would be like, and I thought I was prepared. My dad was sick. I was prepared, so I thought, to lose him. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the shift that would take place in my family.
We’ve suffered loss before, but this time the axis on which my family rotated broke, and now we’re faced with things I wasn’t expecting, things I’m not sure I’m ready for.
The youngest, I’ve always felt a bit stunted, like I’d never be a real, true adult. There’s something about having older siblings who will have always done everything first that solidifies that role. A pecking order, my mom always called it. I would always be in last place. But nothing rockets you into adulthood, youngest or not, like losing a parent. For once, we’re experiencing it all together at the same time. And the truth is, I’m not sure any of us know the best way to cope except to just keep moving forward, wherever forward is.
I’m not just grieving the loss of my father, I’m grieving my family as I knew it my whole life. We’re all experiencing a bit of a redefinition. Our roles are shifting, changing, and if I’m honest, I don’t think any of us were ready for that. You think you’ll get to be a kid your whole life, as foolish as that may be. But suddenly, reality smacks you in the face and you’re doing things you never saw yourself doing.
The good news is, you adapt. Faced with challenges our whole life, we’re all resilient, for that I am thankful. And as crazy as it once was, seven lives under the same roof, there’s a strength in numbers when you need it the most.
Thinking of you!
I just lost my dad last month and like you I felt like I would be prepared for it when the time came, but there is no preparing for it. I guess we are probably MORE prepared than people who have it happen suddenly, but it certainly doesn't make the pain stop.
I'm glad that you have family to lean on and figure it all out together. It's not easy. I'm an only child so now it's just me and my mom, but I'm fortunate that my husband's sisters (who feel very much like what blood sisters would feel like to me) and his parents have been wonderful supports for us when we've needed it. But it's definitely not easy, and it's not the same.
I actually haven't been back to my parents' house since before my dad passed away (my mom has come to my house, or we've gone out and met up when I've gone to see her there), and I think it will be really hard being there without him whenever that does happen.
Thinking of you, and am here if you ever need to talk or vent!
This is such a beautifully written post! I can't imagine having to go on without a parent, and I get sick to my stomach each time I'm reminded that day will eventually come. Thinking of you and your whole family, friend!
xoxo
Kat
i don't think you can ever be prepared to lose someone. i am not comparing the two at all, but i hate my father and always have, i am not saying this lightly, and it's not something i want to really go into, but he died a couple of years ago and even though i hated him and had nothing to do with him, it shifted my life as well, even on the other side of the world. definitely not as much as yours and your family, in fact, probably the opposite, but still. i just don't think we can ever be prepared to have someone be there, and then not. always thinking of you lovely, and here if you need me xxx
I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to lose a parent right now. I don't really think you can truly prepare for the loss of a family member in general. Whether you know it is coming or not. I never really though about a loss and then the roles changing, but it makes total sense. Sending you hugs.
Sending you hugs. I can't say much because well, I'm still grieving my mom and the empty feeling I'm feeling…more now than months ago. Someone once told me that losing a parent is the most natural thing…and although true this doesn't make it easier. It will get better but you will always feel like there's someone and something missing, and while roles change within a family dynamic it will be interesting to see how those changes truly make a family change. In my case, true colors came out….and I'm glad they did because now I know who I can lean on and ask for help and who clearly will not be part of my life much. Hugs sent to you. And yes I'm reading blogs again, sorry for my absence. Missed reading your blog and writing!!!!
Losing a parent is devastating, no matter how old you or they are. It is exponentially devastating after losing both of them and you realize you no longer have any parents on this earth. Then the family dynamic really changes. Hang in there, it doesn't go away, but it gets a little easier. I think of and miss your Dad every day. We are all still trying to come to grips with the new normal. Cherish every day.