Real Talk: Marriage, Babies, and Family
by Joey | Nov 3, 2015 | Throwback |
Over the weekend, a friend shared something with me that not only horrified me, but also got me thinking.
She received a card in the mail from one friend who has children. In that circle of friends, she and her husband are the only couple without a child. Well, the card was addressed to
The Blank Family
Family was crossed out.
Not only did I think it was all kinds of tacky, it struck me as extremely insulting and hurtful. As if those of us without kids haven’t earned the right to be labeled as a family.
Knowing my friends’ story, I know she’s been struggling to start her own family. Now, not everyone knows that, as it’s no one’s business, but when she shared this little story, my heart broke for her.
Real talk? J and I aren’t 100% sold on the whole idea of kids yet. I know we’re getting older, and we’re running out of time to even make that decision. But the way we look at it, it would be unfair to bring a child into our family if we weren’t certain. And it’s our right to make that decision.
But when my friend shared her story, it got me thinking. Are J and I not a family because we don’t have children? Is it possible we won’t ever be a family if we choose not to have kids?
And the answer is
absolutely not.
I know we all might define family differently, and that’s okay. But we never have the right to define someone else’s family. There’s a good chance J and I might live entire lives as just the two of us, and that doesn’t make us any less of a family than those of you who are already knee deep in Legos.
I’ll admit that for a while, I felt a horrible pressure to have children. Not only was it the next step, but I craved that definition, that separation. I felt like J and I didn’t have the right to make decisions for ourselves as a family that separated us from the traditions of our families without kids. When you make a choice with your children’s best interest in mind, who could blame you? But if you make a decision with your best interest in mind, you’re selfish.
Take the holidays, for example. If you choose to stay home for Christmas so your children can wake up in their own beds and spend Christmas morning in their own house, people will commend you, telling you it’s time to start your own family traditions.
But if you choose to spend Christmas at home, just the two of you, you run the risk of hurt feelings. Why wouldn’t you want to be with family?
And there’s that word again.
When you have children, the world sees you differently. You fit into the standard definition of family. And I can absolutely see how people who might not be 100% certain they want kids can give into the pressure because it just seems easier.
But listen. Family is only exactly what you make it to be. If you want children coming out of your ears then so be it! But if you’ve only ever wanted a spouse and a couple pets, that’s perfectly okay, too.
Sometimes family excludes blood relatives in exchange for special friends, or an odd combo of it all.
And you know what? Whatever works for you.
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I am absolutely disgusted that someone would do that! Why would you cross off the word family because there are no kids? You are still a family.
Your friend should un-friend this so called "friend"…..that is NOT a friend, no matter if she knows the struggle of infertility or not. It's tacky and tasteless. I can't stand people who think that they are somehow better than other people because of where they are in life. I had a friend who was obsessed with "being a Mrs"….and somehow once she got that title she was better than everyone else who hadn't gotten married yet. But in reality, anyone who focuses on how they are better than others because of what they have and what others don't is NOT better than anyone else.
Ew, just ew.
Wow– you are right, so tacky! I can't believe someone would be so worried about not labeling someone as a family, but not care enough to get a new envelope?
Love your thoughts on this so much! My heart goes out to your friend. 💗 I cannot imagine someone being so callous. Everyone's definition of family is there own to make! And it is such a personal issue that people feel they can weigh in on.
This is something my husband and I have been struggling with as well. We've been married for 5 and 1/2 years and everyone thinks we're crazy because we haven't had kids yet. Instead, we have gotten settled in our careers, have traveled the world, and have enjoyed being "just us". We love the idea of having children, but are not sure when. I can't believe someone who considers themselves a FRIEND would cross out the word family on a card. That's just wrong on so many levels, I would re-check that friendship.
Green Fashionista
Love this. So true. I can only imagine how that would feel after a couple of years of marriage- even at a few months I already feel like my husband and I are our own family (with our fur-baby:)). Crossing out family like that is so, so insensitive! It took me a while to want to have kids- If I spend all day with them, I didn't want to go home with them too! I know down the road I'll want them, but I'm willing to give that time:)!
You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. This makes me so angry… I honestly can't even remember the last time I was this angry!!!!!!! What is the matter with people? I would've gone OFF on them, no doubt. Where do they get off? And even if they thought something like that… use some tact and keep it to your damn self – don't throw it in someone's face in such a way like that!!!! And you don't know why people don't have kids either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh that is just horrible that her "friend" would do that – so disgusting and I agree should not consider her a friend anymore! I totally think of Gary and myself as a little family unit – because that's exactly what we are!!
omg how horrible!! really?? i cannot believe that. that breaks my heart. the sender is definitely not the definer of a family.
Thanks for a very thought provoking and honest post!
First of all.. I can't believe they crossed it out. What jerks!! And I totally agree with all of this… preach girl!!
That's absolutely tacky and awful of them to do that even as a joke or whatever they thought it was. I think even just being married makes you a family regardless of children, pets, etc.
I totally agree with you. Family is a group of people who love & care for one another. It isn't a defined equation you learn in math class, it is whatever you want it to be! Family doesn't even have to be a spouse + a wife, it can be a group of friends who support, love, and care for one another. This was a great perspective. Thank you for this amazing blog post.
– Juliet from http://www.thelittlejewelsoflife.com
That is seriously so terrible – I would definitely be reevaluating that 'friendship' if it had happened to me. How rude! I consider Nick and I our own family and do NOT think you need to have kids to be considered a 'complete' family. Ugh, that really bothers me! So sorry to your friend!!
I can't believe someone would actually do that. How terrible! And you aren't running out of time to make the decision to have kids. You are still young so don't you worry. 🙂 And if you choose not to have kids, that's totally your right. One of my girlfriends and her hubby don't want kids and they have the most amazing life together. Honestly, I love my girl but sometimes I miss the ease of a life with no kids.
ugh! that is so terrible and so disrespectful! My dogs are considered my kids, my family, who are they to determine what 'family' means.
Wow that is incredibly tacky! I would have been really offended.
I literally had my jaw dropped & gasped reading the marked out Family.
It hits me so hard because the hubs & I never had children & its a sore issue with me because my parents & all our family treats us so differently like we matter less because we have no children… it bothers me to no end that people are like that. Everyone should have their own decisions to make & it shouldnt effect the way you are treated.
Thanks for this post to remind me that its OK the life we choose!
Are you kidding me??? Someone actually did that???!?!?! I definitely feel that way with Mark sometimes. Since we don't have kids it's expected we go to my family that does and I'm like, I would like to spend time with my family aka Mark and I and it's totally not respected.
This was a truly beautiful post and I completely agree. Having kids is nothing that should be rushed into and I'm with ya, I'm still not 100% sold on the idea, but that doesn't mean you're not a family. Love that you shared this!
xo,
Sara Kate Styling
I think this is such a profoundly important argument to make. For me, family is about a relationship between two people. What do children have to do with that? Sure when you have children (as I do) then they are part of that family. But before I had children my husband was a part of my family and before I had a husband my parents and siblings and aunts and uncles were all my family. Even my best friends are considered family to me.
To be so narrow-minded as that woman was is a little sad. Family is what you choose it to be and who you choose to have in it. That's the great aspect of what family means.
what the actual fudge. that is such bull, i can't even. that is disgusting. Guess what, my husband and I are a family, with or without kids.
but yes, the world sees you differently when you have kids. but what i've learned… no matter what you do, people get hurt. especially when it comes to christmas morning, lol.
Who the hell does that? Your friend needs to surround herself with people with cooth and not screw balls. Family is whatever you want it to be; no set definition.
That is disgusting. Family means different things to different people, and no one is able to make that decision for another. So upsetting!!
PS Is that your picture up top? If so, what's the nail polish? I'm in love.
This story hurts my heart. We waited 9 years to have kids after we got married and got tons of comments if ever starting a family. We loved those years that it was "just" the two of us and felt like we had a wonderful family. We struggled with infertility when we did decide to start a family and people were often very insensitive to us. I love that you pointed out that your family begins on the day you get married whether or not you add children to the mix. It's horrible that people without kids are given a hard time or made to feel less of a family by some people. Thanks for talking about this and being so honest. Kids are a personal decision and I think it's so important to respect each couple's decision on the matter. Give your friend a big hug from me and send her my way because I want to be her friend!!
LOVE THIS POST! Ty and I have only been married for a few months, and we're already bombarded with the, "When are the babies coming?!" questions. I totally consider us a family—kids or no kids. Plus, I mean, we have Bert. So, that counts for something, right?
Love your honesty, as always.
I cant even believe that they crossed out family and sent it anyways. What is wrong with people?!?!?! I am 100% with you on everything you said. A family is what a family is to you. Every family looks different. Some people have no kids, some people foster children that aren't blood related, there are single parents, there are people who lost a baby that no one even knew existed. I mean there is just so many things that make up a family other than it looking like a mom, dad and 2.5 kids. And I am tired of being tugged around on the holidays like my time doesn't matter. Just because I dont have kids doesnt mean that Christmas isn't important to me damnit!!!!
100% completely agree with you. We've had this conversation many times. I cannot BELIEVE that person did that to their card. Really?! #1 Insensitive #2 NOT TRUE!
This just about made me cry. I did need to read it though and THANK YOU for writing it because it fits so much of what goes through my head on a daily basis. I might have to bookmark it and post to FB and my blog and whatnot… 🙂
But yes, I think that people see the world differently once they have kids too, not just the other way around. I mean, clearly someone thinks it's okay to think of a married couple as "not a family" just because they (the card senders) have a child. They obviously have earned the right to define "family", right? Ugh. That is actually kind of sickening I don't know if I could've not said something back to the so-called friend.
THIS. I wrote a similar post a few months ago because we've been through similar things. We're not married yet after 8 years together and people like to act like we're not a family or that our relationship means nothing. And I find it so upsetting when people tell me I don't "get" things because I don't have children. I get love. I get not having free time. Why do we have to define each other?!
I am disgusted reading that. Why does anyone think they have the right to define how a family looks or what a family is like just because they do have children / don't have children / have fostered or adopted, etc? It blows my mind that people are so insensitive and so unthoughtful. Ugh, I just don't even know how to put my words together on this because it upsets me so much that anyone has to deal with the pain of having someone else try to shame them into whatever their weird version of family is.
That is RIDICULOUS. I don't even know how to respond to that. A baby doesn't make you a family. The babe I have on the way is ADDING to the family I've already built with my husband, he's not making us a family. Nope. Ridiculous.
That is so insulting! I feel for your friend. And I totally agree with you…family is what you make it! There's so much pressure to have kids…I'm not even married yet and I get the pressure to have children! Everyone has a right to make their own decisions and be respected for them. Great post!
That's hideous.
We've made the conscious decision not to have kids (for many reasons that could be their OWN blog post!), and for now, no one has anything to say about it. But the more people I know having kids, the more I wonder if one day I'll get my own card with "family" crossed out…
What a tacky and hurtful thing for those people to do. I don't know how I'd respond, but I probably wouldn't be inclined to spend much time with people who devalued me and my family.
A few months ago, I was feeling pretty down because the whole kids thing is not happening for us as soon as I hoped it would, and my Mom, who has 7 kids and is pretty the definition of a Mother Bear, told me, "You and Angel ARE a family. Already." …that meant a lot.
Love this post – we don't have kids and have chosen not to have them and I've pushed back on people a lot who imply that I should be more flexible because I don't have them. I'll be flexible when it's right for me to be flexible. People are really insane about this topic.
I would want to never be friends with those people who crossed that Family off.
YES to defining family the way you see fit – do what works for you! Totally agree! I just had a similar chat with a friend the other night. I am currently a "Party of 1" which leads to a lot of exclusion from certain events, or the pity invite…not sure which is worse. Anyway, a few years ago I decided to send picture collage Christmas cards which a few people thought were weird. But what's the difference in me sending people a Merry Christmas photo card of my adventures, and a friend with 2 kids sending one of theirs? Having kids doesn't make you a family anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. -Megan
Wow, what a horrible thing to do. It is just so class-less. I pretty much have no words for this!
That's the most offensive thing I've heard in quite some time. If that's how the sender felt they would have been better off addressing the envelope to [Jane and John Smith]. Writing their name and crossing out the word family was a blatant, and juvenile dig at them. Given it's 2015, and even if it weren't, that's horribly rude, not to mention hurtful. You never know what someone's circumstances are. Perhaps the [Smith] family has chosen not to have children at this time, or ever. Perhaps they can't and that was a very hurtful reminder. Perhaps they miscarried a child recently and had it thrown in their face with that envelope. What are people thinking when they do these things? As if people don't know they're childless and for what reasons.
I grew up in an unconventional family, being raised by my grandparents. In my adult life, I've built a family around me by way of closely chosen friends…and my dog. I lost my fiancé several years ago and, much the same way people remind couples they're running out of time to have children, I'm not-so-subtly told I need to get myself hitched to be a whole person and to be happy. People need to stop assuming what others need to be happy and complete. Each of us choose what is right for ourselves and our family life as individuals and couples. Those of you who are coupled and have children- be happy and healthy and enjoy it. Those of you who are coupled and don't have children- be happy and healthy and enjoy it. Everyone does the best they can and makes the choices that work for them; that doesn't always mean having kids.
I popped over from Kristin's blog where she linked to this post. You hit the nail on the target with this post. My husband and I do not have kids and majority of our friends do. We are starting to now be eliminated from certain things because of this. Not all our friends do this but a good number do and they are constantly asking the questions of when. My response lately has been varied, but really its none of their business. We, like you, aren't certain when we are going to but we know we are getting older. Family is those who accept you for who you are!
I am going to be a new follower, hope you don't mind! 🙂
As someone who is adopted, I have often been surprised but things people have asked me about my family. And how people have questioned its legitimacy. Hopefully your friend realizes that their thoughtless "friend", is the worst. Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂
Ouch! Hugs to your friend. As we're (hopefully) a couple weeks (or less!) from meeting our little, Dave and I were talking today at lunch about how timing is incredible, even when we didn't know it. About two years ago, we would have happily welcomed a little one and it didn't happen when we thought it should. Now that we see the timing of all this, it's amazing because he'll graduate right around the time she's born. Grad school has taken up so much of his time over the last two years but how amazing that it won't take away time with his daughter? That's something we didn't necessarily think about when we decided we were ready for kids. And yes to our own definition of family. If you don't ever choose to become a mom, you're still every bit as much a woman as the next and the two of you are a family. Prayers for your friend that she finds comfort in the timing of it all. That was a hard pill to swallow for me but there were many things we got to before becoming Mom and Dad that I'm so glad we had the chance to do.
PS – nice shirt 😉
I couldn't agree with you more!!! Family is personal, and it's different for everyone. Furthermore, it's so wrong to assume a couple isn't a family just because they don't have kids. You may not know what the situation is that's keeping them from having kids. I think perhaps the cardsender should simply choose to address to Mr. & Mrs. in the future.
Oh, that pisses me off. My parents completely understand that DG and I define ourselves as a family, and our dogs as our children. Last year, we made the decision to spend Christmas by ourselves since it was our first married Christmas because it became difficult to try to divide our time between our extended families. However, one of our family members does not define us as a family and makes us feel insignifcant because we don't have kids. And all she ever talks about is "when we have kids." What if we don't? What if we can't? I mean, come on. I love that you shared this. Times are changing and it beyond pisses me off when people are unwilling to accept that having children doesn't define your self worth. xo, Champagne&Suburbs
Excuse me? How on earth were the senders even thinking that crossing out the word FAMILY was a good thing?! Ohmygaaawwwwwd. I am appalled. WOW. So pissed right now.
And yes, this would have made me think, too. Family is a weird word. I learned that we have to define what or who family is on our own. Everyone has a right to define it for themselves but NOT for others. I lost my closest family member in May {my mom} and I had to rethink what and who family is to me. I have no siblings, no father, no one. Technically I am an orphan now. Ha. I have my husband, and now our two cats…so to me, this is my family. My in-laws are my family. My cousins in Istanbul, London, Illinois, Philly, and North Carolina are my family. My very close friends are my family. Home is where family is, right? If home equals to two cats and a husband, or a dog and a husband, etc…then so be it. So sad that people are willing to push others to make them feel bad, or to take the liberty to tell them they are not worth being who they think they are {a family} by crossing the word out. Man, I'm pissed.
Thank you though for posting this…it's important to get the word out that family has multiple meanings.
xoxo
Yes, yes, yes! I've been married almost 5 years and have been asked countless times, "so when are you going to have kids?" Better yet, my husband is often asked, "don't you guys like children?" We have no plans to have children in the near future, but people don't necessarily know that. If we were struggling with infertility, those questions would be incredible painful. I am constantly amazed at people's insensitivity. I always refer to my husband and I as "my family," because that's what we are! Thanks for sharing this post!
Whitney @ Come Home For Comfort
I have to agree with every single person who commented above me about this situation. If it was done intentionally by the "friend," that person would no longer be considered a friend to me.
If I was your friend, I would talk to the person who sent out the card. If it was listed on the outer envelope, it is likely that this could have been done by the USPS and not the "friend." Obviously I have no right to tell you or your friend what to do, but I would just check to make sure that this was intentional. And if it was, then I would probably rip the friend a new one 🙂 'Cause THAT shit is ridiculous.