To appease. The definition is very straight forward. Pacify or placate (someone) by acceding to their demands (via google).
We’ve all done it. Sometimes it’s just easier to give someone what they want than it is to deal with the backlash. Obviously, there are special circumstances surrounding these situations. Because we’re all strong individuals who stand for what is right. We’ve all got that no one can tell me what to do attitude. But when it all boils down, there are just those few special people we’d rather placate than deal with. Am I right?
And this strikes me as funny. On my next birthday (which is approaching alarmingly fast), I’ll be entering my last year of my twenties. And I just can’t help but ask myself when is enough enough? When does The Great Shift occur? When do we allow ourselves to bow out of those types of relationships without the guilt weighing heavy on our souls?
This type of relationship isn’t something I’m overly familiar with. It’s not something I grew up knowing, practicing. In fact, my new friend said something to the effect of not wanting to take advantage of my painting of her nails. And my reply? Do not ever worry about that! If I don’t want to, I’ll say no. I never do something I don’t want to do.
And that might be a lie. Obviously, we all have things we’d rather not do, but when it is all said and done at the end of the day, I am confident in the fact that I spend my time doing what I want to be doing. The definition of that word want varies, of course, but what I meant to say to my friend is I don’t placate people. Having phony relationships is exhausting and a waste.
So here I sit, asking myself that one very obvious question. How is it possible that I find myself in a situation where I appease someone? How do we get off this hamster wheel with everyone’s dignity still in tact? When is enough enough?
And the truth is, the fill line to enough was surpassed years ago. And I’m left scratching my head, wondering how exactly we got here. And how do we make it stop without causing the world to implode?
This whole adult thing, while it’s filled with amazingly wonderful things, has all these twists and turns I just wasn’t prepared to handle. And I find myself losing myself in the mess of it all. It turns me into a person I don’t like. Someone I’m not. And then I curse myself for allowing any situation to have that much effect on me.
But you know what, friends? We’re all human. And we all have a side to us we’re not proud of. We all have a mess hidden in a closet that comes tumbling out when you open the door. And at some point, we’ll all figure out the right way to sift through the mess. And until then, it might be best to keep that door shut.
Your new friend is way nicer than I would be if you lived near me. Well, near enough to have you mani skills on a regular basis. Because I totally would abuse that 😉 But in all seriousness, you're right – this is one of those difficult things to navigate. Darn you, adult life.
girl, if you figure it out, please let me know, because i am allllll ears!
I agree. If you figure it out, please shed some light on that. We all do it. Childhood is a terrible precursor for adulthood, truth be told. I don't think any of us are really prepared for adulthood.
Another one of your posts that I read probably 4 times over and over. I just love your writing so much. Girl sometimes you really wonder if people ever really grow up right?
I'm pretty horrible about this because I HATE confrontation and I tend to be a people pleaser, so a lot of times I do feel like it's just easier to go with the flow than make a fuss. Of course not about anything truly important or that I feel super strongly about, but smaller things, yeah I do that all the time.
Yes if you figure it out please share! 🙂
Love this. I worry it's something we might not ever completely figure out. We just keep getting a little bit better with each experience.
I like how you referred to it as a mess. Your mess isn't necessarily my mess, and so on, but we all have our crap that we would rather hide than deal with, in both a literal and figurative sense. I was lately empowered to say no at work. It sounds so simple, but it has been awesome. Knowing that I won't get "in trouble" (I hate that phrase. I'm not a child!) for not jumping and running to everyone's whims has been so freeing and has allowed me to focus more on what I'm supposed to be doing. If that empowerment is what you need, I hope you get it, because it's awesome to not have to appease everyone all the time!
I still find myself just going along with something that I don't agree with because it is easier than trying to say no or suggesting something different. Why is that?!?! And ummmmm I want you to paint my nails!! Haha 🙂
Oh how I know this struggle. It's so hard being an "adult" (which is a whole different scary thought) and feeling like you've got so much of your life together, yet having someone just completely undo all of that work- or take the enjoyment out of life (even temporarily). I know that feeling very well and it's exhausting!! Appease the mess indeed. 🙂
I think this is something we never really quite master. Even when we're old we'll sometimes continue the cycle. Or at least that's what I'm assuming. But if you figure it out girl let us all know!
I went through a thought process similar to this about a year ago…oddly enough around my 29th birthday too. I think as long as you are happy with the amount of "appeasing" you are doing then that is all that matters. I used to say that I only do things I want but I realized that is not true and stopped. It was hard for a lot of people to deal with but in the end it was healthier for me. I still do things occasionally that I may not necessarily want to for myself but I am happy with the amount. Good luck figuring it out 🙂
I think I have the opposite problem… I say no to everyone lol I've even told my BOSS no! lol
Life is a struggle. I think we have to constantly be learning to move forward. Sometimes in relationships you have to do what's best for the other person, not what you think is best or what you want to do. It's messy but we just gotta learn. :]
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