Seems simple enough, right?
But tell me you haven’t been there.
You’re joking. You’re in the middle of a heated argument. You want to get your way and you need to show your husband (or wife) exactly how serious you are. It’s your get out of jail free card. It’s an ultimatum.
If you do xyz, I’ll leave you.
Fine, whatever. Just divorce me.
I swear to God, enter name here. I’ll divorce you.
Divorce lawyer up.
Start dividing up our crap, jerkwad.
Any of those ring a bell? Those are just a few examples I’ve heard in real life from real, live people. Friends even.
If you do this, you aren’t alone. In fact, it’s extremely common. I’ve even overheard people use the D word over a casual dinner on a Wednesday night at a Ruby Tuesdays over which entree to split.
We don’t do this.
Joking or otherwise.
We went into our marriage with the understanding that this. is. it. It’s permanent. It’s for better or worse. It’s for richer or poorer. And trust me, we’ve been there. We’re smack dab in the middle of one of the “worses.” (No, worses isn’t a word, but I’m in charge here. Roll with it). Our patience has run out and I’ll admit it, we’ve snapped at each other a few times in the last few weeks.
Because real life, people.
We’re human.
But the reason we don’t use the word divorce, even in a joking manner, is because it gives the impression that we think there’s an out. It plants that seed of insecurity. Doubt. It illustrates that you have an escape route. That maybe there is a breaking point. It implies that one of us isn’t in this to win it.
We’ve had some serious fights. There have been times where one of us has had to walk out, drive away, get out. We have tempers and we’re both extremely stubborn. And we’re both always right.
I’ve been so angry with J before that I literally couldn’t see straight. But the thing is, I always know there’s going to be a time when we meet back in the middle. It’s a guarantee. I can get mad. He can get mad. We can fight til the death. But I always know he’s in this. And he always knows I’m in this. Neither of us is walking away no matter how mad we get. No matter how something goes down. Because it’s just not an option we entertain. There is always a compromise, and there’s something reassuring about knowing we’ll get there somehow.
And maybe some of you are reading this shaking your heads. Maybe you think we’re young and naive. Or you’re sitting there going but but but… what if someone cheats. What if something you can’t even imagine happens. What if what if what if.
I’m going to be blunt. We didn’t enter into our marriage lightly. We had a lot standing in our way when we were dating. It took a lot of work and effort to get married. It wasn’t some fairytale with diamond rings and big fluffy dresses. If we wanted an out, we wouldn’t have gotten married.
The promises we made to each other on our wedding day mean something to us. We entered into our marriage understanding that it would be work. We joke a lot that we always love each other, but we don’t always like each other.
And that’s true.
And that’s okay.
So, no. You won’t ever overhear us, joking or otherwise, using the D word. And maybe you’ll reconsider before you do.
I love this! And I love both of you for choosing to take this outlook and route. More couples should view their life the same way you and J do. Kudos to you!
-Claire
http://www.fashionandfeathers.com
We're guilty of throwing it around in a playful manner, which obviously isn't healthy. However, it's usually because Scott's brother has been cheating on his wife for yearrssss and she turns a blind eye (everyone knows about it) and Scott's parents were both married like 3 times. We have to keep the topic light for this reason.
Plus, divorce runs rampant in the military because people enter marriage without taking it seriously. We've had the kind of fights you're talking about and that's when the word never pops out. It usually pops out when Scott is talking to the dogs saying, "Yes, we will move out, won't we guys? Pack your crate."
I love this! I've used it jokingly, because we're not even married yet, so it doesn't make sense, but I think you're right, it shouldn't even be mentioned as an option, joking or otherwise. I wish I could say that we're going into it with the same determination you have for it to be a permanent decision, but if I'm honest, that's just not the case. There will always be lines for me for things that are just too much to accept, but I do hope that it's anything less than those couple of deal breakers, we won't be so quick to use "the D word."
My husband and I have the same stance, we never ever use the D word, even jokingly. I feel exactly the same way you do – we went into this knowing it's forever and aside from something unforgivable (cheating, etc), it's *forever*.
This is a wonderful post. Seriously great.
We are newly married (7 months tomorrow!) but we don't use the D word either.
I think that by going into a marriage knowing that it is permanent no matter what is so important.
We are both blessed to come from parents who are still married and don't throw the D word around, either. I think this has helped us know exactly what we were getting ourselves into. Plus, someone has to put a stop to this "50% of marriages fail" thing. Lead by example, right?
Im not married but I totally agree with this. Even in my dating relationships I never joke about breaking up. Obviously dating doesn't hold the same weight as marriage, but isn't that what dating is for anyway? It's good to get in that mind-set early. Good for y'all 🙂
Steven and I have the same view as you two do when it comes to the D word. We don't say it, we don't think it, we don't joke about it. When we got married we both made a vow to each other that we were in this for life. Divorce is never, and will never be, and option. I'm so glad to hear that other young couples feel as strongly about the D word as we do!
Yes yes yes. Totally agree with this. We have never, ever used the D word and I can't imagine we would. It's something we take SO seriously – love that you wrote this!
AMEN girl, we are the same. 6 years of marriage, and NO WAY has it ever come up. It's a very serious matter and sadly some people don't take it that serious.
Good for you for posting this!! I've been married for 4 years but its not rainbows and unicorns every day. That has NEVER come up either. Someone asked me just yesterday "how did you know that he was the right person?" I told them because he can give me what I want and what I need. But at the same time you don't really know. You just make it work because you love each other and you made a promise. And who else is going to make my husband is Manwich? 🙂
I think there are legitimate reasons for divorce. The word should be used then. Otherwise you always need to meet in the middle.
For someone over here about ready to enter into this thing called marriage thank you for this post. I told Mark there is no mention of divorce or what ifs……this is for life. I'm with you girl. I think learning how to fight and fight fair is so hard to do. People throw out the D word way too much and it's the least productive way of fighting!
I love this and completely agree with you. We don't joke about it (there's really no reason to) and we definitely NEVER use it as a serious threat just to get our way. Being honest, there was ONE argument we had that was really, really bad a year or two after we got married. (We have bad arguments a lot – we're human too – but this was back before we learned how to fight a bit better, haha) I was so angry at something he had done/said and it was something so personal to me that brought up a lot of past issues, and I did tell him that if things didn't change, I was going to leave, and move back to Washington. Immediately after I said it, I felt TERRIBLE. And later, I apologized and told him I should have never threatened him with a divorce, and I would never do it again – and I haven't. Because of everything you said above.
great post! my husband and I agree that divorce is not an option and this is forever and all that jazz. however we joke about EVERYTHING so I know we have joked about it before – like I wouldn't divorce him because then I'll get deported. There would only be 3 reasons that would cause us to get a divorce and they are such serious things that will never happen but it's good to know what would be over the line for us lol. that being said, i am going to make an effort to ensure we don't joke about it anymore. cause like you said, it provides an out or plants the seed of doubt.
Love. I have to admit, we've used the D word before. We have had some massive fights. You throw a kid in the mix and life is HARD. But we have been working on it. We've taken some things out of our life that were causing us issues and it has really helped. We're both very passionate people and that makes for a very intense marriage at times.
Love that you guys had to work for your marriage before it even started. Because you're right, it's not always roses and butterflies. You knew it would be work going in.
SUCH A GOOD POST. Yes, I'm with you here. We had too much negative for me to use that. And him too. So thank you for the great reminder.
This is one of the best posts I've read, Joey 🙂 I so so agree with you! It's so tempting to say it in the middle of a fight but it's not an option for us either – and that's tough since we both have divorced parents. Thank you for this…such an encouragement that others are fighting for marriage as well!
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