Does It Feel The Same?

For some strange reason I was digging through my drafts in blogger.  FYI: there are a lot.  And I happened across this one.  And every hair on my arms stood up.  This was written on April 5th.  At that time, I was knee deep in revisions, and I still wasn’t sure how all of this would play out in the end.  My dreams still felt totally out of reach.  The thing with writing is, it’s not an instant gratification type of career.  You have to put in the hours and make the sacrifices without ever knowing if it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’m writing this today and keeping it in my drafts.  Because today, I am a self proclaimed writer.  I sit at my desk day in and day out, and I pound out words.  But the world has not dubbed me a writer yet.  No one has paid me for my words.  You cannot walk into a book store and find my name on the spine of a hardback.  I am just me.  At my desk.  With my words.

And today, I want it so badly.  I want to Be A Writer so badly that sometimes I break down because that want is so big that I can’t even carry it anymore.   I feel like I am standing on one side of a 100 ft wall, and the only thing stopping me from Being A Writer is the climb over that wall.  Sometimes I feel like that, the climb that is, is the easiest feat in the world.  Oh, that wall?  Please.  I can climb that in my sleep.  And other times I feel like I’ve lost all use of my arms and legs and I lay there at the base of the wall looking up thinking it is impossible.


I’m not sure those feelings ever really go away. That want.  That confidence and that fear.  Because no matter what happens, no matter if this book is a success or a failure, I think I will always want it.  I will always want to be a writer.  The question is, when this post finally goes live–whenever that might be–is the want still there?

Because today–the day this post goes live–the world has dubbed me a writer.  Someone has paid me for my words.  Someone has picked me and said yup, you’re good enough.  And I want to know, are the feelings the same?  Will I still just be me at my desk with my words?

Because man.  I really hope so.

{written 4/5/14}