On fighting

**I wrote this post last year–almost exactly a year ago.  It’s still the very best piece of advice I can give anyone.  I hope despite this being a repeat post you’ll take the time to read it.  I promise you you won’t regret it.**

Dear person in any kind of relationship:

A little advice.  I don’t typically go there, but sometimes it just needs to be done.  I consider myself a relationships writer, and if that’s the case, then this post just needs to be written.

None of us are perfect.  There are things, I’m sure, that each of us would like to change about our significant other.  One of mine, for instance, is I wish he’d come to bed habitually every night instead of innocently falling asleep on the couch while watching TV.  I’m sure he’d wish I’d nag him less, especially about the falling asleep on the couch thing.

Your significant other is bound to annoy the crap out of you every now and again.  It wouldn’t be natural if they didn’t.  They may piss you off, too.  And unfortunately, they may occasionally hurt your feelings.  It simply just happens sometimes.

You’re going to fight.  You’re not going to see eye to eye on everything.  Someone is going to go over budget sometimes or forget to make the bed.  That’s totally normal.

But do me a favor.  NO, do yourselves, your relationship and your significant other a favor and fight carefully.


Fight carefully?  What the heck does that mean, you might be asking.

Fight productively.  Fight nicely.  Do not EVER let something slip from your lips that you cannot take back.  Do no purposely hurt the people you love because you are angry or upset.  It is never okay to make derogatory remarks to another person, especially someone you’ve committed your life to.


How do I do that, you might be wondering.  Implement a filter.  Hear what you’re going to say in your head before you speak it.  Ask yourself if it’s really worth saying.  Ask yourself if saying it is going to be productive to solving the issue at hand or if it’s just going to hurt the person you love.

I’m no expert.  But I was hurt a lot in the past by a boy.  A boy who made a habit of putting me down so he felt better about himself.  What kind of jerk makes a hobby or talking to another person like that?  Mr. Husband and I are guilty of fighting.  In fact, we used to be that couple on vacations that our friends would roll their eyes at.  We still fight, but I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since then.

Also, keep the fight simple.  If you’re fighting about the refrigerator, leave the dishwasher, washer and dryer out of it.  Solve the fridge issue and move on to the next.  If next week you find yourself fighting about the dishwasher, leave the fridge out of it.  Don’t keep bringing up old fights.  That will absolutely plague your life.  I’m not kidding.  That can get seriously exhausting.

Just try to be courteous.  Yes, even while you’re fighting.  You’ll find it’s much more productive and you can go back to being those nauseating love birds quicker.

Sincerely,
Someone whose been there