I promised myself a quiet weekend. I bought a craft at Hobby Lobby on Wednesday evening to prepare for my 4-day weekend. A blended gift of working the Saturday before and the 4th of July holiday. I didn’t realize how much I needed some down time until it was upon me. My head, my heart and my soul all felt tired.

But on Saturday, as I set myself up on the screened-in porch with my cross stitching, my tea and my iPad queued up to 90 Day Fiance; Happily Ever After (delightfully trashy TV–a must, duh), I discovered the fatal flaw in my plan. Everything was out of charge.

That didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy my afternoon on the porch, no. It just meant it was going to have to look a little different than I’d envisioned. It also meant I was going to have to be patient, allow time for things to get ready. I was annoyed with myself for not being prepared. And in that moment, the perfectionist in me started to spiral a little into that negative self-talk trap. But then I stopped, pulled together my electronics and went on the hunt for a solution. The airpods charge in no time. I found an extension cord and plugged in the iPad that was at 1%. And I settled in for a quiet, relaxing afternoon.

And then a storm blew in.

I tell you this silly story of minor inconveniences because on a bigger scale, it describes the cycle of life my husband and I have been in since early February of 2019. Every time we think we have something pinned down, life swoops in, knocks it out of our hands and we’re back at square one. It’s disappointing and exhausting. And it’s forced us to have to rely more on faith than ever before.

As someone with trust issues to begin with, 2019 was a true mind fuck in the way of trusting God, the universe, whoever/whatever you believe in. (For the record, in my life, it’s God. Always God.) You know in the old school Looney Toons cartoons when Sylvester the cat is on some kind of big mission but keeps not just failing miserably, but getting just totally beat up in the process? Something sort of like this? Y’all. That was how things went last year.

I’ve talked about finding faith in a season of waiting before. I’ve discussed faith & hope in a season of struggle. I believe in God’s plan and timing. I know God has already won the battle. And yet, despite it all, when I’m plopped down in the midst of a blended season of struggle and waiting, I return to that familiar place. That place where things feel unfair and exhausting. That place where pretty much on a daily basis I look up and say “Really? Really?!”

In some ways, I cherish these seasons because I know there’s a story being woven together. A great reveal of God’s victory. A testimony to God’s glory and fulfilled promises. But even with a proven track record–knowing God has literally never ever let us down before–these seasons still hurt. They still feel unfair.

Let me tell you something right now, friend. If you feel like Sylvester right now–where every turn leads to a frying pan to the face and tweety birds flying around your head, hear me. All these disappointments? They’re leading you somewhere beautiful. God breaks our hearts in the most beautiful ways. He uses this pain, these disappointments to shape us, to guide us, to move our feet from on place to another.

We are stubborn. So. Very. Stubborn. And I promise, if you’re anything like me, without the set backs, these disappointments, these heartbreaks, you would never move from one place to the other. Probably due in part to fear. To the limiting beliefs you’ve been marinating in.

Yes, you might feel out of charge right now. You might be met with one disappointment after another. And it sucks. Trust me, trust me, I know. But there is something beautiful coming. Hold faith, my friend. Hold faith.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30

HOW TO KNOW WHEN GOD IS ASKING YOU TO TRUST HIM MORE.

1. YOU’RE FEELING ANXIOUS.

If you’re feeling anxious and worried, that’s a sign that God is asking you to trust him more. There’s nothing wrong with planning for the future. You’re allowed to work hard and to ask for a practical strategy to work hard according to His will. But if you’re full of worry, doubt, fear and anxiety, God is nudging you. He’s trying to get your attention to draw your eyes back to Him.

MATTHEW 31-33 SAYS So do not worry saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

2. YOU’RE FEELING A HEALTHY CONVICTION TO PRAY MORE

It’s on your mind. It’s on your heart. You find yourself wondering if you should be praying more. The seed has been planted and you’re feeling its impact. The thing is, a lack of prayer is a lack of trusting God. That’s hard to hear, but we’re all guilty of it sometimes. We get comfortable and complacent and suddenly we spend less time in prayer. We assume God just knows we’re thinking of Him and that we desire a relationship with him. Nope. That little nagging feeling is telling you that God is asking you to trust him more.

PHILLIPPIANS 4:6-7 SAYS Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3. YOU’RE EXPERIENCING A SEASON OF TESTING.

Oof. We know this one well in the Hodges household. I’ve said before that I actually feel a sense of excitement whenever our world comes crashing down around us. It’s usually a strange, refreshing reminder to fix our eyes on God. I always know when things go wrong that God is trying to tell us something or he’s trying to move us. God uses our seasons of testing for our good. James:1 2-4 and Romans:5 3-5 say that God uses the pressures of life to cause us to seek his presence.

IN 2 CORINTHIANS 12: 7-10 PAUL SAYS Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. So that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I’ve noticed that my relationship with Christ is the strongest in seasons of testing, and I also believe that’s a clear sign that I need to get things in my life sorted out. We are meant to seek God first in all things. We’re meant to put him first in every area of our life always. And these seasons of trial are getting old. But it’s also true that we’ll be served up the same lesson over and over again until we finally learn from it.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TRUST GOD? HERE ARE 4 THINGS RICK WARREN SAYS WE’RE MEANT TO DO:

1. Ask Jesus to be your shepherd every single day.
2. Give Him 1st place in every area of your life.
3. Relax!
4. Let go of tomorrow and just trust God for one day at a time. (Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34)

Tell me, which of these three signs have you been experiencing lately? 👇🏻

While flipping through the pages, though, I found something I wasn’t looking for. Noticing it on one page, I flipped to the next, hoping I was wrong. Flip. Flip. Flip. Damnit.

Page after page, I found myself literally begging God for things. Desperate for him to hear my cries. If you just do this, I… promises being made left and right. At first my heart sank, remembering those moments so clearly, experiencing that pain all over again. But then, I flipped the page only to find that God delivered. He answered my prayers often and with urgency. And yet, instead of seeing an ounce of gratitude on the page, all I found was more begging.

The blessing kept getting completely overlooked. I’m not even sure I was internally checking off any boxes, tick–okay–handled, thanks— before moving on to the next dumpster fire I was begging for Him to put out. I literally couldn’t see the blessings, the answers, and they were right in front of my face.

One answer after another left completely unnoticed. Un. Grate. Ful. Looking at those pages now makes my stomach turn. But just as I was hoping, they’ve helped me in this current season of my life. Those pages helped me find understanding as I tried to make sense of what I’ll from-here-on-out be referring to as The Great Breakdown of 2017. They serve as an important, albeit painful, lesson in what went wrong.

Lead with an ungrateful heart, and God will stop you dead in your tracks.

Disaster after disaster, desperation kept piling up, and after a while, I suffocated. Once again, I begged and He delivered. Because He is a good and gracious Father. And like any parent, no matter how many times his kid screws up, gets it wrong, misses the point, he reaches out his hand and rescues, certain that in time they’ll learn.

The truth is, God only wants what’s best for us. But He will allow us to make mistakes. He will walk with us even when we’ve turned onto the wrong path and deliver when we ask for favors along the way. But that path, wrong or not, is on purpose. It is meant to teach you something. I took God’s blessings along the way as signs I was making the right choices. And at that moment, in that season, that was the truth. Because that path was an important part of the greater purpose.

Without all of those pages filled with desperate pleas and proof of answers upon answers, I can’t be certain I would have learned this lesson. The Bible teaches us how to properly ask God for things. And you know what it says? Present your requests to God with thanksgiving. ::insert facepalm emoji:: The truth is, God can and will still deliver if we ask without a heart full of gratitude (I’m walking proof of that), but those blessings won’t last.

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope. That phrase has been on a loop in my head since 2015. Daily, I hear it. Sometimes it feels like a comforting reminder, others like a cruel taunt. Joyful in hope. What does that even mean? They’re nice words to say, sure. But how on earth do I even do that, really? Be joyful in hope? I guess first I have to understand what it means.

Joyful. Joyfulness: A condition of supreme well-being and good spirits. Hope. A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Well, that’s the epitome of prayer, isn’t it? Faith and trust that God will provide what it is that we so desire deep down? I heard someone say once that we’re supposed to pray like an expectant mother waiting for her baby. It’s already been planted, and now we wait. It will come in due time. Be patient.

Jonathan and I went to Charleston this past February. Our first real vacation since the summer of 2016. We planned it at the end of December, and each day I’d sit at my desk and dream happily about walking down King Street, the sun beating down on my shoulders. I could see it. I could feel it. And it brought me joy. I knew the day was coming. Soon, we’d pack up our belongings, put them in the trunk of the car, and drive the 3 hours South. And in the meantime, I could be joyful in that expectation. It was coming.

Hope. Expectation. It’s hard to have hope and be doubtful at the same time. Or rather, it’s hard to be doubtful and have hope at the same time. Raise your hand if you’ve been living in a state of doubt lately? I know I have been. I’ve been doubting all over the place, and then I wonder why I feel like a disappointment. To myself. To the people who believe in me. And worst of all, to God. A disappointment. Doubt is a cancer. It seems deep into your soul and destroys your life from the inside out.

The cure? Joyfulness and hope. Joyfulness is different than happiness. Joyful is a condition, a state of your heart, a perspective and outlook. Happiness is temporary. Fleeting. An emotion. You can have Joyfulness without happiness.

I have a funny story about how I came across that piece of scripture. It’s an important piece of scripture to me. In fact, I’d go so far to say it’s my scripture. It hangs over the bed in our master bedroom; the words bleeding into my heart every single day.

You all know the story of when football made a dramatic exit from our lives at the end of 2014. I’ve told you before that inexplicably, I turned to God, knowing I couldn’t face what was coming on my own. I say inexplicably because I did not have a solid relationship with Christ at that time. I was a sometimes Sunday Christian at best. Well, in an attempt to seek comfort, I turned to the internet, searching for scripture to ease the fear in my heart. This piece of scripture was the first result, and it immediately spoke right to my heart, lifting the weight of the fear and clearing the fog of the anxiety. And then I saw it, Romans 12:12. Of course, I laughed to myself.

You see, my family has a special connection to the number 12. My grandfather died on the 12th of December, long before I was born. And I realize it’s a weird thing we do, but we hold that number sacred, finding extra blessings in all things twelve. Twelves pop up in all meaningful things, like a gentle little wink from above.

So it’s only fitting that the scripture that runs through my veins daily, commanding me to be joyful in hope would reveal a 12. Because of course it does. And that, my friends, is hope.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The other night, I was chatting with a friend who finally accepted a position after a long search for the next step in her career. Excitement buzzed through the phone waves as we gleefully celebrated.

I’m just so happy for you. I know this process has been…well, laborious. I said.

You know, she replied, I just chalk it up to a God thing. After all the other interviews for all the jobs that didn’t pan out, something always just didn’t feel right. I would be concerned about one thing or another. But this one, it just felt like the right fit all around. And it’s just good to know that when I’d be crying after once again not receiving the job I’d hoped for that God was over there like ‘Just you wait, I’ve got the perfect thing on its way to you.'” 

Having big faith and trust in God is down right near impossible sometimes. But I’ve found it’s most difficult in the season of waiting and intense hope. We’re in a season of waiting at the moment. And when my friend asked how things were going, I answered candidly.

I know it’s coming, the upswing. It always does. I’ve seen God show up time and time again in his perfect timing that it’s just comforting to know none of this is really in my hands at all. He’s never let us down before, so why waste the energy worrying?

The truth is, nothing is really up to us. And while that can be a terrifying thought for someone without faith, it can also serve as the ultimate relief. I look back over our lives, to every other rock bottom, and I can see God show up in ways I couldn’t have planned for.

When we were first married, Jonathan was finishing his master’s degree at UGA. The last requirement for his graduation was an internship. After several rounds of interviews, we packed the car and traveled the 10 hours south to Tampa for one last round. We spent our days touring apartments, picking our next home. I visualized living just down the road from my sister and her three kids. I could see our lives there, clear as day.

When we returned, we put in our notice at our apartment in Athens, and then we waited for the call. T-10 days til moving day, the call came, and it wasn’t a good one. Left to scramble at the last minute, Jonathan ended up in contact with a school down in Charlotte. Now, I’ll be sure to tell you all one day about how, just six months earlier–totally unaware of the whole internship drama, we’d decided to put all our energy into somehow moving to Charlotte in the future. Neither of us had spent much time here (at all). But for some reason, we could both feel the tug on our hearts that said hey, Charlotte will be your home some day. But for now, when the internship opportunity popped up in Tampa, we both forgot all about it–deciding to go wherever the wind blew us.

Well, that school Jonathan found in Charlotte offered him an immediate opportunity. That job is the reason we moved to Charlotte. That job is the reason he ended up coaching at Campbell for two years. That job is the reason we had the best health insurance we’ve ever had when I was so terribly sick back in 2013. That job brought us home, twice.

We couldn’t see that job coming. We were so busy white knuckling the Tampa opportunity that we didn’t even have time to worry about anything else. And I truly believe that God sends us those decoys in our seasons of waiting on purpose–something to distract us, to put all our energy into, to keep us occupied while The Big Blessing is on its way to us.

I feel like seasons of waiting are all too common in our adult years. Waiting to find the right house. Waiting for the next career move. Waiting on the next payday. Waiting for those two pink lines. And as adults, we crave control. We’ve figured out the formula in life, too wise for our own good, we set plans into motion to force those things along. We exhaust ourselves trying to push our square peg into the unknown round hole, desperate to make something work.

But the greatest relief comes from knowing that God has a plan for us. And he’s known it all along. Every step, every misfire, every disappointment leads us right onto the path he’s intended for our lives. And while we so desperately crave control, often times we just end up prolonging the process. God is already working on that thing you’re worrying about. You just have to take your hands off the wheel.

The lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

I believe he sends us little signs that he hears us. That he’s working on the things we’re so desperate for. I think he sends people when we need them. He makes sure we hear a certain song on the radio, read a certain article, stumble across a specific quote. I find God in the details of my daily life. I see him when I need him. I find him when things are good, smiling down. I trust these things because I have to. Faith isn’t easy. It’s believing with certainty something you cannot see. But I see him. And I’m sure you do, too. You just have to be looking.

I honestly don’t think there’s a true separation between the Christian world and the secular world. Or at least, I don’t believe that there’s supposed to be a separation. I think it’s okay to find God in the Top 40. I think it’s special to find God in the monotony of the day. A friend told me the other day “You always have the best God stories.” And I swear it’s just because I’m always looking for him, in everything.

I can string together a series of events and find the way God showed up. I think that’s the magic of faith. Life is tough and downright miserable at times. But I find comfort in looking back and seeing exactly where God appeared.

Today is my 8th anniversary with my husband. Eight years. In those eight years, we’ve moved six times. We’ve lost three jobs. And for the first two years of our marriage, at any given time, one of us was unemployed. We’ve lost pets. We’ve lost parents. We’ve fought over trash cans and we’ve lost friends. It’s been anything anything but rosy. But I can find God in our marriage. In every step. In every move, in every job loss, in every fight. We’ve grown, we’ve changed, and all the while we’ve thanked God for this incredible gift.

People search their entire lives for a love that’s real. A love that’s true. And I think Tim Keller said it best;

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

Everything is hard. But nothing was as hard for me as feeling loved was back in the fall of 2003. But then a boy in a white Chevy truck pulled into the MHS parking lot to check on me. I never knew God’s company truck was a Chevy, but now I do.

Happy Anniversary, Bunny. 

Matthew 21:22

I’ve always been a fairly optimistic person full of hope and faith. And I’ve always believed that things aren’t over until they’re good. But it wasn’t until the last few years that I started to see the above scripture play out in my life. It wasn’t for my lack of faith, but prayer really wasn’t a part of my daily life. It felt foreign and strange and uncomfortable.

There are people out there who are champion pray-ers. They know the exact words to say to make themselves sound worthy of an answer. And that wasn’t ever me. If you’ve been following my Youtube channel or Facebook page, you know I’m not so good with the speaking thing. (What can I say, I’m better behind a keyboard.) But something a friend said to me back in high school stuck with me all these years.

Talk to the big guy like he’s one of your friends, one of your homies. It doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, it’s just about communicating. I asked that friend then if I could pray through my journal, and he said of course. So I started doing just that little by little. But I’ve made it a much higher priority the last couple of years. Something about quitting my job and launching a company forced my faith to take on a new level. I had to have confidence in something, and I needed to believe that God was on my side.

I’ve asked a lot of things of God the last few years. Big things. Little things. Insignificant things. And because I pray through journaling, I’m able to look back and see that God does indeed hear us. And he does answer in His own time.

My mom has a friend who keeps a prayer list on her fridge. She writes out their name and their need, and when the prayer is answered, she crosses them off the list. I found that so amusing as a child. But what an amazing visual representation of God’s power in our lives.

We’ve been going through some Big Things over here lately. The last 24+ months have been some of the hardest we’ve ever faced. But as I read back through my journal, I can see the prayers being answered one by one.

Life is hard. Really hard. And like a parent with his child, God wants to give us what we want and need. And I truly believe he delivers. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.

So I challenge you today, if there’s something you need, write out the prayer. Ask for it. Hold on to that prayer. And keep faith. Someday, when you’re looking back, you’ll see that the prayer was answered somehow. It may not always get answered the way you initially hoped, but God hears us. And he wants good for us.

Isaiah 40:31

Burn out is real. When we rely a little too much on ourselves and put entirely too much worth in our productivity, it won’t take long before we’re completely depleted. It happens. Even with the best of intentions, it’s easy to get caught up in our daily lives. Things have to get done. Work piles up and the laundry needs doing and somehow or another everyone has to get fed.

But the expectations we often put on ourselves are unrealistic and unfair. While we were all created to do incredible things, God never intended for us to run ourselves ragged. In fact, God values rest. The Bible even commands it. Six days you shall work, but on the seventh day you shall rest. In plowing time and in harvest you shall rest. Exodus 34:21. But even with a little bit of rest, sometimes it’s hard to find strength, motivation, and stamina. What do we do when it’s not our bodies but our souls that are tired?

By the end of last year, I thought I was done. For good. I thought I’d never create another thing, write another word, inspire another person. My heart, soul and creativity were completely depleted. I waved the white flag and surrendered.

I’d come to the end of myself. I was out of ideas and solutions. I pulled the cord on the treadmill, stopping dead in my tracks; lost, scared, and exhausted. Exhausted.

As someone who values productivity, giving up felt completely unnatural. But sometimes we have to come to a full stop to recalibrate. It was in those moments of stillness that I found myself having quiet conversations with God. I started to rely more on Him and less on myself. And in doing so, I felt myself slowly coming back to life; renewal. I listened instead of speaking, and new life breathed into my soul. In Him, I found clarity and direction, and I moved at His pace; a pace of sustainability.

We have a limited source of strength, friends. But hope and faith can be infinite. If we rely only on ourselves, eventually our well will run dry. But with hope and faith, our strength will continue to be renewed.

You can do anything but not everything.

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Jerimiah 29:11

Months ago, I was in a scary dark place. Life has a way of just kind of throwing everything imaginable at you until you’re face down in a pillow wishing you could just disappear. I’ve been in that place a few times in my life, which is why I’m really glad I journal. When the darkness starts to creep in, I’m able to go back and remind myself I’ve been through tough stuff before and survived.

Though I am not a new believer, it is a relatively new habit for me to rely on faith when things get tough. I’ve done it before, totally inexplicably because faith was definitely not front and center in my life at the time. And in those experiences, I learned that whether I’m stressing and worrying or not, things find a way of working out.

Life got tough at the end of last year. I’ve made no secrets about that. And while I’ve always been a relatively optimistic person (it’s just my disposition), I experienced an odd sense of peace despite all the turmoil.

I always know God is at work when things get tough. In the moments of our deepest despair, I truly believe God is using us, changing us, moving us. We’re creatures of comfort and habit. We will almost always seek the path of least resistance. And unless something swoops in and forces us along, we’ll never move. We’ll never progress. We’ll never get from where we are to where we’re meant to be.

I relied hard on the above scripture in the final months of 2017. I couldn’t understand why things were going the way they were, but I did have an abundant faith that there was a greater good at play. Now, months later, I can look back and see the things from which God was protecting me.

Change is often painful and uncomfortable. We don’t usually seek it out. As humans, we like stability and predictability. But in order for you to live your best life, God is going to introduce painful things that force you to move along.

I will say this. There has never been a period of darkness in my life that didn’t make a whole lot of sense in the end. I’ve always found myself thanking God for the darkness once the light floods back in.

Celebrate the darkness friends, no matter how painful and uncomfortable it may be. It’s in those moments that God is paying you the most attention. He loves you abundantly, and when you can’t find the courage or strength to move, he will do it for you.