I’m ashamed to admit that while I did an excellent job of applying that advice to certain aspects of my life, I’ve done a terrible job of it when it comes to who has full access to me.

In doing this, I’ve landed myself in situations recently where I’ve come to learn the full weight of the statement it’s not your enemies you have to worry about.

I used to say that I’ve always struggled with friendships — but after doing a real audit, I’ve realized that’s not actually true. It only feels that way because I assume friend until proven otherwise. Which means I’ve been proven otherwise a lot. But I’ve also been proven friend enough to have a handful of long-lasting friendships that are deep rooted.

But perhaps it’s time we start being a little more protective about who we let in.

You and your peace are worth protecting

Maybe you just read that and rolled your eyes thinking duh. You’ve heard some iteration of that sentiment your whole adult life. (Side note: It’s funny to me that we don’t get taught that validation as a child but everyone and their mother are quick to affirm it to adult women. I have so many thoughts here, but this isn’t the blog post for those.)

But if you’re like me, you heard it but you didn’t absorb it, digest it, apply it. Or worse, you didn’t believe it. (🙋🏻‍♀️)

So many of us allow the outside world to tell us who we are and what we’re worth. And that usually leads to a miserable existence, an experience I’d liken to being put in a dryer with rocks.

But you already know what I’m going to say here: you are worth protecting. Your peace is worth protecting. I don’t care who you are, what you’re capable of, your education level, the color of your skin, what you do for a job, your relationship status or anything else. You are worthy. Your peace is worthy. Inherently worthy. You don’t have to do anything to earn the right.

I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I believe in Jesus. And even the bible instructs us to ABOVE ALL ELSE guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23.

Protecting your peace isn’t selfishness. It’s stewardship. And in case you need the reminder (because I did), stewardship is defined as: the job of supervising or taking care of something, such as an organization or property.

Being selective is wisdom not snobbery

I don’t mean for this to turn into a vocabulary lesson, but I often have to be reminded of the true definition of a word. Wisdom is the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.

Why wouldn’t we want to apply wisdom to who we do and don’t allow to have access to us? It seems so obvious when I write it out. But in the moment, it’s easy to forget. We get caught up in wanting to be kind and open and generous that we forget that we are wise. And we got that way from the knowledge we’ve accumulated from our experiences.

We feel guilty drawing a boundary, but that discounts our value by offering access to everyone. This is especially true if you’re a recovering people-pleaser. (Again, hi. 🙋🏻‍♀️)

You can be kind to everyone and still not give them access. You can love everyone, but some people you need to love from a distance. Kindness does not mean access. Love does not mean access. Heck, Jesus loved everyone and still only gave access to 12. And even he was betrayed by one he gave access to.

Let me ask you this: how many people have a key to your house? Is your heart not more valuable than your home?

Red flags to watch out for in friendships

Energy vampires. You have to psych yourself up to spend time with this person. And you leave the interaction feeling depleted. They’re exhausting in every way possible. If you’re experiencing this with someone consistently, it might be time to re-evaluate your involvement with them.

Drama magnets. (This person may also be known as the exaggerator, the attention whore or the liar.) Something major is always going on with them. They share the kind of stories that make you raise your eyebrows and think either you’re the unluckiest person on the planet or a big fat liar. Someone always did something awful to them. Or they witnessed the craziest thing at the gas station. Or the person standing in line behind them at the grocery store said the most out of pocket thing to them. There’s always something. And it’s always the craziest thing you’ve ever heard. 🙄

The gossiper. This one is simple: If they talk about them to you, they talk about you, too. This usually surfaces from a place of insecurity and always from a place of judgement.

Lopsided investment. True friendships are a give and take. They’re not always equal all of the time, that’s just not how life works. But the glory of a true friendship is that where you lack, they shine. Where you shine, they lack. Or when you’re up, they’re down or vice versa. You compliment one another. If you find that a “friend” is all take take take and conveniently unavailable when it comes time to give, reassess.

Not your people. This one often gets overlooked, but I think it’s important. Someone can be a genuinely good person but not your person. Everyone has different moral compasses, core values, priorities, beliefs, etc. And while it’s beneficial to make sure you’re surrounding yourself with those who are different from you in some ways (no one should be in an echo-chamber), it’s also perfectly respectable to recognize that a good person still isn’t a person you want to have around. You’re allowed to have preferences.

Friendly vs Friends

There’s a difference between being friendly and being friends. Be friendly with the suddenly established group of moms who have kids your child’s age who get together often for playdates. That doesn’t mean you have to let them in. We get confused there. Deep rooted intimate friendship is a slow burn. With a life partner, you go on many dates. You exchange life stories, experience shared adventures, engage in deep conversations before making the choice whether to let that person in — really in.

The same, technically, is true with authentic friendship. Again, you can be friendly — but that doesn’t mean friend. I used to proudly say that once you’re in — you’re in with me. I showed the same love and care for every person in my life.

And that’s all well and good. Sure, be a good person and operate according to your core values in how you treat someone. But that doesn’t have to mean access. It’s also an especially dangerous way to operate if you have no standard in which you determine who gets let in. (Guilty. Again. 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Intentional, selective friendships are rooted in authenticity, shared values, respect and a mutual love for one another. Not convenience. Friendly relationships can develop into an intentional, selective friendship. Consider the “friendly” stage the “dating” phase if you need to look at it that way.

This is where the quality over quantity argument comes in. You can be friendly with many, friends with few. If you have 20+ deeply rooted authentic friendships in your daily life, more power to you. I envy that. Most adults have a handful. And more commonly, those friendships are spread out across space and time — which is why adulthood, especially motherhood, can feel lonely. We have the friendships – they just live far away or they’re in a different season of life. We crave what we had in high school or college — or even what we experienced in our early adulthood when friendships were easy to come by because we were constantly in front of people.

Friendly is good. But friendly can also feel lonely because if those relationships aren’t developing into deep rooted, authentic friendships, they’re just surface level. As humans, we crave deep connection. So we often try to force deep and authentic where it simply isn’t. And that’s where we get hurt.

The magic of intentional, selective friendships

These friendships survive. They survive distance, time, fall outs and life changes. The mutual love and respect is so well established that you can be honest and real. You challenge one another, encourage growth and change. You can offer perspective without fear of the whole thing imploding.

As a person who prided herself on being friends with everyone, when it came time to choose my bridesmaids, I struggled. I got married young, so I didn’t have the life experience I have now to know and understand that some friendships that might feel deep and real in the moment wouldn’t follow outside of a certain season.

So I implemented a standard. I have IBS. And it can flare up especially bad in moments of excitement or stress. My wedding dress was massive. So I envisioned a scenario in which my stomach flared and I needed someone to hold my dress in the middle of an incredibly vulnerable moment. So, I only picked the friends I knew would jump in, comfort me and make that experience way less awkward and uncomfortable just by being who they are. I had four bridesmaids. And while I don’t get to speak to them every day because life is busy and we’re separated by distance — if I called any one of them right now, they’d be here in a moment. And the same is still true for them of me. I got married 15 years ago.

That’s the value of intentional, selective friendships: depth, trust and emotional security. They’re invested and offer quality support when necessary — whether that’s emotional support, physical support or financial support. Your energy is spent on relationships that will nurture you in return. And you experience peace with these friends — there’s no drama, no social politics. Your relationship is built on mutual trust, respect and love so the noise of daily life doesn’t threaten it.

Practical ways to protect your peace

The most powerful way to do this is to know what you’re looking for in a friendship. Know how you want to feel, how you want to show up, how you want to engage in conversation, how you want to be challenged. Knowing who you are and what you want and the standards you intend to keep are all a huge part in protecting your peace. How can you protect your peace if you don’t know what your peace looks like or what threatens it?

Practically speaking, this looks like limiting your availability to people who don’t respect your boundaries or who don’t show you respect. Have a friend who has said something out-of-pocket to you once? Ok, maybe they’re having a bad day. But if they consistently do it? Move along. They don’t respect you.

Take note of how you feel after spending time with someone. This will tell you so much of what you need to know when it comes to making the decision about who does and does not have access to you.

Allow yourself to let certain friendships fade away without guilt. Over time, people will show you who they are. And you’re allowed to make the decision of whether or not who they really are is someone you want around you. There doesn’t have to be some big fall out or fight. You don’t have to hate them or vice versa. You don’t have to make them the villain in the story. Just let the relationships fade away without pomp and circumstance.

Pray for wisdom and discernment before choosing to deepen a relationship. I once heard something so powerful: discernment is knowing the difference between your Peter and your Judas. Peter had a bad day. Judas had a bad heart. You restore your Peter, you release your Judas.

Encouragement if you’re struggling with friendships

You’re allowed to be selective and intentional with whom you spend your time. With whom you let in. With whom you share the deepest, most vulnerable pieces of you. You’re allowed to keep your inner circle filled with only people who bring out the best version of you.

You’re allowed to let people go who don’t make you feel good. You’re allowed to set the boundaries for those who consistently disrespect you. You’re allowed to discern good heart from bad. You’re allowed to have standards and commit to not bending them. You’re allowed to protect your heart for everything you do flows from it.

Your people are out there. If you’re feeling lonely right now, I’d encourage you to really assess all of the friendships you’ve had in your lifetime and narrow in on the ones you feel are deep rooted and authentic — even if you’re separated by distance or season of life. Reach out to them and get time on the calendar with them, even if it involves a trip or a Facetime date.

I did this recently after experiencing some disorientation when it came to “friendships.” And it’s done my heart and perspective a world of good. You probably already have your people, they just might not be next door.

I couldn’t figure it out. I saw confident people everywhere I looked. But I couldn’t seem to become confident myself. And the thing is, I had big dreams. BIG GOALS. And all of those things, well, I couldn’t do them until I felt confident.

I’d summon the feeling with all of my might. And yet, year after year, I’d be left wanting.

That’s until I realized that confidence isn’t something you find; it’s a skill that you cultivate. And there are a few ways to do just that.

Habits of confident people

So, here are five habits that every confident person does. And the good news is, you can start today.

Habit #1: They start before they’re ready

If you read my last blog post, then you already know that the planning phase can be a tricky thing. You can have a plan, for sure. There’s truth to the “fail to plan, plan to fail” motto. But confident people know that at some point, the planning has to end and the action has to begin.

The reality is, it’s rare that you ever feel fully prepared for something. It’s nearly impossible to do so. And if you think you’re going to wait until you feel ready, you’ll likely never, ever start. And confident people know this to be true.

Habit #2: Confident people know their thoughts & words matter

Did you know that there was a bullying experiment conducted on plants? Would you believe me if I told you that the results of that experiment revealed that the plants who were bullied suffered in ways that the plants who were not didn’t?

Our words matter. Spoken words. Thought words. They matter. And the question is, are you being kind to yourself with your words? Or are you bullying yourself?

Imagine where you’d be if you spoke and thought kindly to yourself.

Don’t try to argue this point, okay? Because even plants. EVEN PLANTS react to words.

Confident people know the value and the weight of their thoughts and words. In fact, you may even find affirmations taped up all around their house. Because words have power.

Habit #3: They embrace discomfort

In the book Change your paradigm, change your life, Bob Proctor brings up the point that if you’re comfortable, there’s no growth happening. And man, if that’s not the truth.

Confident people know that in seasons of discomfort, they’re learning, growing and expanding. And in that growth, learning and expansion, they achieve new levels of confidence.

It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone. But if you know that confidence is right on the other side of that leap, why wouldn’t you jump?

Habit #4: Confident people keep the promises they make to themselves.

Ah, discipline. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it’s a 4 letter word. This is a tough one, I know. But listen, trusting yourself is a big part of feeling confident. Keeping the promises you make to yourself, following through on those commitments, proves to yourself that you are reliable and capable. Self-trust is a core component of confidence, and every time you fulfill those promises, you essentially make a little deposit into your self-trust bank.

Those with discipline know that it spills over into other areas of your life. Knowing you can reliably depend on yourself makes you resilient and better equipped to handle challenges that may come your way. And this knowing, that faith in your capability, helps you to show up more confidently in the world.

Habit #5: They own who they are

Confident people don’t seeking validation and approval. They’ve done the work to get to know themselves and stand firm in it. They’ve accepted who they are and developed a strong sense of self-worth. The truth is, you are already inherently worthy. You don’t have to earn worthiness or seek to have it satisfied externally. And confident people know, accept and stand in this truth.

The truth about confidence

Being confident doesn’t mean being the loudest person in the room or demanding all of the attention. No. Instead, it’s a consistent practice of habits that establish, strengthen and reaffirm self-belief.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to be confident. And in case you’re worried (because I was), confident doesn’t mean arrogant.

You can be confidently soft, gentle and kind.

Or you can be confidently boisterous, wild and assertive.

Or any mix of it all.

If stepping into all of these habits feels overwhelming to you, just start with one. Any one that feels most palatable to you. You’re allowed to take baby steps into your confidence.

But I’d like to leave you with a challenge. I’d like for you to commit to at least one of these habits for one week. Tell me in the comments below which one(s) you’re going to give a whirl, then come back next week and let me know how it went and how you’re feeling!

Until next time, ladybugs!

If you’re waiting for the perfect time to start, well, then sigh. Hello. This article is for you.

And what I need you to understand is that as much as I’m writing this article for you, I’m also very much speaking to myself right now. Because the reality is — I know this stuff. I teach this stuff. I preach it. I coach it. But I also know that living it? Putting it into practice? Well, it all so much easier said than done.

Because the reality is, if you’re waiting for the perfect time to start, you’re creating the habit of procrastination. And procrastination leads to inaction and disappointment. It tricks us into thinking we’re actually doing something when we really aren’t.

And I don’t know about you — but I, for one, am really sick of disappointing myself. And I want to make things happen; ready or not.

THE “PERFECT TIME” IS AN ILLUSION

You’re waiting until things slow down. You’re waiting until you have xyz. You’re waiting until you know more. You’re waiting to feel more confident. You’re waiting until you feel ready.

I get it because I’ve said exactly the same things. Hell, I’m living in those same excuses right now. But that’s what they are at the end of the day: excuses.

I know, hold on. Before you click out in annoyance: they are real concerns; but they are also excuses. Because things that fall into that category are always going to exist. And if you want proof, ask a mom the last time she and a mom friend hung out. She’ll show you her text messages which will reveal a long strong of friends trading the sentiment:

“When things slow down, we should totally get the kids together!”

“Yes! I’d love that!”

ONE MONTH LATER

“When things slow down, we should totally get the kids together!”

“Yes! I’d love that!”

ONE MONTH LATER

You get the picture.

Things are never going to slow down. There will always be something. It wasn’t until my late thirties that I realized damn, our parents were right: if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

If you’re choosing to wait until the right time, what you’re really saying is “this isn’t a priority to me right now.”

We make time for the things that matter to us. We find a way for the things that are important to us.

But waiting for the “perfect time” provides a cozy, comfortable place for perfectionism and fear to hide.

REAL TALK | IF YOU START NOW; YOU’LL START TO FEEL READY

I know it sounds crazy. I know you think that you’re doing something productive by planning everything to the nth degree. But you cannot and will not gain momentum in the planning phase. It is simply, scientifically impossible. But you will gain momentum by taking action.

PLANNING IS NOT ACTION!

I know. I’m sorry. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, too. ButI get stuck in that space if I’m honest. Planning is important, for sure. We all know that saying: Fail to plan; plan to fail?

There’s truth to it for sure. But what happens to many of us is that we get comfortable in the planning phase, and we trick ourselves into thinking that we’re actually doing something, that we’re making meaningful progress toward our goal.

But we are not.

Make your plan, please. But also set a deadline to start. Don’t get stuck there. If starting scares you (which, if you’re reading this I’m going to safely assume that it does), start with something small. Even small action breeds momentum.

And the more you do, the more ready you will feel.

REFRAME YOUR MINDSET

You want things to be perfect, I get it. If you’re like me, my biggest fear was embarrassing myself. I didn’t want people to see something that I didn’t deem “perfect” and judge it, thinking that I thought it was perfect.

That’s a deep seeded wound that I’m working on in therapy, okay?

But I also tend to really overthink things. Then perfectionism and fear take over and paralyze me into inaction.

Sound familiar?

So this is when you have to reframe your perspective. A few mantras I had to adopt were:

• Done is better than perfect.
• Progress over perfection
• Start messy, stay consistent, finish proud.
• You don’t have to get it right the first time, you just have to get it going.
• Launch now, improve later.
• Action is the antidote to fear.
• Small steps lead to big results
• I can adjust as I go.
• I’ll learn more by doing than planning.

Reframing your mindset to focus more on messy action than on fear will help you get comfortable with taking steps forward.

HOW TO START RIGHT NOW | THE POWER OF SMALL ACTION

Hey, action is action. My favorite mantra from above is that small steps lead to big results because it’s true. Starting is often the hardest step — it’s a hurdle we can’t seem to clear. But once you shift from inaction to action, something…happens.

Just like we know a body in motion stays in motion; an idea in action stays in action.

Once you take that first small step, you’ll find that it’s actually so much easier than you thought to keep the momentum going. My favorite trick with this is that I set a timer for 5 minutes.

5 minutes.

That’s it. Whatever the task is, I’m giving myself 5 minutes of focused action. It may not sound like a lot because it’s not. But it’s just enough time to get the ball rolling.

And guess what?

9 times out of 10, when that timer goes off, I’m already in the flow and don’t want to stop. Because the moment I stepped into action, all that fear that was chocking me out and paralyzing me into inaction disappeared.

If you’ve been a long-time consumer of my content, you’ll be familiar with one of my favorite sayings: doing feels better than the wishing. And you guys, THERE IS SO MUCH TRUTH TO THAT!

Actually, I have a homework assignment for you. I want you to identify the smallest, most digestible action you can take right now.

Set a 5 minute timer and do it. Whether that’s walking for 5 minutes, starting that decluttering project you’ve been putting off, writing the first paragraph, whatever it is. Set the timer. And start.

When the timer goes off, I want you to audit how you feel.

Feels pretty good, huh?

Bonus points if you come back to this blog post and share what you started, how starting made you feel, and if you had enough momentum to carryon past the initial 5 minutes.

Other things you can do to start right now are:

• Commit to it, either publicly (like on social media) or privately with a trusted friend.
• Set a short deadline. If you really feel like you have more planning to do (I beg you to be really honest with yourself about this, okay?), then setting a short deadline is important. AND I MEAN SHORT. Within the next 2 weeks.
• Ask yourself: what’s something small I can do right now. This can be as simple as organizing files so they’re easier to access or creating a template to help facilitate expedited action. Sometimes, for me, this looks like creating an outline — whether it’s for a blog post, a youtube video or a chapter — creating an outline feels a lot less daunting to me than creating the whole thing. But THEN, once the outline is created, creating the thing feels less daunting.

THE PERFECT TIME TO START IS NOW

Ladybug, do the thing. I know starting is the hardest part, but you’ll feel so much better once you do. That life you want? It’s right on the other side of the first step. And once you take that first step, the second step will feel easier, and so on and so on. Momentum.

So, I’d like to challenge you to do something right now. Commit to it right here right now in my comment section. Tell me what it is that you’ve been putting off and identify ONE SMALL THING you can do today to take action. I’ll root you on and help you stay accountable.

And guess what? You’re going to feel so amazing once you start. I promise.

It’s a tricky thing because I am a big advocate of intentional rest. But the truth is, intentional rest and rotting are simply not the same thing. What does rotting mean for me? That’s a great question. I’d love to tell you.

Rotting: when life gets too much and you lean into the space of doing nothing but not intentionally. You find yourself stuck in your pajamas, usually unbathed doomscrolling until your brain, well, rots.

Intentional rest feels good. Rotting does not. Intentional rest is rejuvenating and revitalizing. Rotting is…the opposite.

If you’re teetering on the edge of temptation, but you really don’t want to fall victim to the rot, here’s what you can do.

How to unfunk yourself

1. Recognize the feeling and acknowledge it. Realize you have a decision to make in this moment. Choosing to do nothing (i.e. rot) is still a decision.
2. Decide to do one personal hygiene thing. Remember, a body in motion stays in motion. A body at rest stays at rest. This one thing can be something as small as brushing your teeth or something as big as taking an everything shower. On the day of filming the video below, the one thing for me was washing my face. Remember, it just takes one. Small. Thing.
3. Change your clothes or put on shoes. If you’re already fully dressed, shoes and all, change your outfit entirely. I realize this sounds crazy but it makes an enormous difference.
4. Tidy the space you plan to occupy. Your house might be a total disaster, and it’s too overwhelming to think about cleaning all of it. Pick a place to be and tidy that space. You’ll be surprised how motivated you’ll feel, and you might even keep going.
5. Do something simple – for me, on the day of filming the video below, it was marinating the meat for dinner. Sometimes it’s just changing locations – I’ll pack the kid up and head to a friend’s house to work for the rest of the day. We may go to the store even if we don’t need to buy anything. The point is to shift up the energy, to keep “in motion” so to speak. This does not need to mean being physically in motion. It’s about keeping momentum going.
6. Make a list of what you need to do but add things you want to do into the list. Bonus points if you go an extra step and schedule those things into your calendar, including the things you want to do. Not only does it help to alleviate the overwhelm, by scheduling the things you want to do, it gives you something to look forward to.
7. Pat yourself on the back for choosing not to rot.

I realize these things are not revolutionary. And the reality is, they’re not difficult either. But when you’re teetering on the edge, even the simplest things can feel like too much.

It’s not uncommon for me, when I’m on the edge, to only get through one or two steps. And even those things may happen at a snails pace. But the point here is to do your best.

It’s important to note that my desire to rot the last year or so has been intimately tied to my fragile mental health state. While it’s all fun and games to make light of rotting, it’s also a pretty significant sign that something else might be going on — especially if you find yourself falling into the rot frequently. I worked closely with my primary care physician to work out a treatment plan, and I’m doing much better these days. I feel it’s also important to put on the record that I’m re-starting therapy this week.

Wins, friends. Small but mighty wins.

Until next time. XOXO

I had a teacher in the 8th grade who had a list of words and phrases up on his wall that we weren’t allowed to use. I remember walking into homeroom on the first day of school and being totally confused about why the phrase “I’m sorry” made it to the wall. The phrases “my bad” and “I can’t” and words like “uhm” made perfect sense to me. But “I’m sorry?”

You see, I grew up understanding “I’m sorry” to be polite. I was under the impression it was a good phrase to use. I honestly thought it was mistake. So, I raised my hand.

“Mr. Thomas, do you realize you have “I’m sorry” under the phrases we shouldn’t use?”

Now, you need to know a few things about Mr. Thomas. First of all, we was very theatrical. And secondly, he didn’t take any shit. Ever.

He rolled his eyes, perched his hand on his hip, and replied boisterously, “Of course I do.”

Shocked and confused, I argued. “Why on earth aren’t we allowed to say we’re sorry? What if we make a mistake?”

Just then, a playful smile danced across his face. “If you make a mistake, I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry. I want you to fix it.”

How to stop saying “I’m sorry”

So, I’m now in my thirties. It’s been nearly two decades since I sat in Mr. Thomas’s homeroom. But to this day, I still think twice before saying “I’m sorry.” I’m compelled to say it all the time. As a freelance writer often assigned to display other people’s expertise, it’s not uncommon for there to be some back and forth on a piece. Heck, I’m usually writing about things I don’t know anything about, so collaboration with my clients is crucial. But on occasion, I’ll miss something or they’ll have forgotten to share an important piece of information. When those messages come through, I have to stop my fingers from typing I’m sorry. Instead, I just make the correction and reply with the updated content.

So, instead of wasting time apologizing, I fix it.

In fact, I was once put on a project in a former job where I needed to provide constructive feedback examples for employee reviews. And apologizing was one of the categories for feedback. What people don’t realize is that apologizing doesn’t often have the impact you’re hoping it’ll have. Instead, it’s much more powerful to take a positive active approach.

Alternatives to apologizing

Whether in work or in your personal life, there are countless interactions a day that might leave you feeling like you need to apologize. I paid attention to a few of those interactions in the last few weeks for myself, and here are just a few in which I felt the urge to apologize:

1. I entered a door a stranger held open for me
2. I asked a cashier which button to push to opt for “credit” instead of “debit”
3. I had to pass someone in an aisle at Walmart
4. Instructions were unclear so I had to ask for more information
5. I made a mistake and my husband pointed it out to me

Those are just a few. Even as someone who tries to pay attention to how often I’m apologizing, I find myself in the trap often. It happens even more so now that I’m existing in the world with a wild toddler in tow.

Instead of saying I’m sorry, look for the positive alternative which is often appreciation for the grace you’ve been extended. For instance: if you’re running a few minutes late and your friend or colleague is left waiting for you, instead of apologizing when you arrive, thank them for their patience. Let’s take a look at the interactions I just mentioned earlier and find the alternative to “I’m sorry.”

1. I appreciate you.
2. Thank you.
3. Excuse me.
4. Thank you for providing this information. I’m still unclear on xyz, please expand on this.
5. Thanks for catching that! Or “Good catch!”

Breaking the apologizing addiction is a tough one. We’ve just become so accustomed to apologizing for simply existing in the world. I’m thankful to that wacky 8th grade teacher for putting this on my radar all those years ago!

But back to the TikTok, this particular post was someone painting very simple circles grouped together. Simple, yes. But perfect. Perfect. If I’d seen only the finish product, I would think they were some type of artistic wizard (or that they used a stencil). But watching it from start to finish, a thought occurred to me.

They were using a technique.

One they probably learned when they invested in the thing that was interesting to them. Growing up, they probably liked art, too. Maybe they had talent. Maybe they didn’t. But either way, they probably started to study it in some capacity — whether officially with money changing hands or independently. And along the way, they learned techniques that helped them improve.

The number of hours I invested into learning how to properly do my nails back in 2013 is nauseating if you think about it. The motives were simple: 1) I was interested 2) I was broke 3) I wanted nice nails. I watched countless hours of YouTube videos, picking up one technique after another. I practiced religiously. I enjoyed every minute of it — but I failed a lot, too. While my Instagram at the time was nothing but one nice manicure after another, there were hundreds that never saw the light of day.

I’ve been on a mission for years to make chocolate chip cookies that come out like my sister’s. In fact, I spent my entire maternity leave making one batch after another. One failure after another. The recipe is simple. But for some reason, mine kept coming out all wrong. I made a disastrous batch for my son’s first birthday that required my sister to swoop in and save the day. “I don’t know how yours come out perfect every single time!” And that’s when my niece spat the real truth: because you never see the batches she throws away.

Oof. Truth.

We all have things we’re invested in. And when you invest in something, you improve it. But we get to do the work quietly, privately. We only show our best work. We show the results of what we’ve learned, the techniques we’ve picked up.

Some people are good at painting, others at drawing. Some are great singers. Maybe you’re a great writer. Some people are excellent salesmen. Others are brilliant teachers. Typically, what sets people apart, what earns someone their adjective is passion and investment.

It’s so easy to get discouraged when what you have to show doesn’t look anything like what you’re seeing online. But please, just know that what you see online is the result of investment. Time and energy. Passion and practice.

Investment = improvement
Just keep going.

*Oh, and by the way. I finally made a batch of chocolate chip cookies last week that looked and tasted like my sister’s. #improvement

Y’all. I hate to admit this, but that’s been me for months and months. In fact, it’s been so long, I can hardly remember what it was like to have my life together. Routines and good habits are things of the past, and I keep crawling in bed every night feeling like I just simply ran out of time.

It’s easy to get stuck in that place if I’m honest. Switching gears, pulling yourself from a slump, takes a lot of effort and frankly, I’m already tired. If you’ve been following along on Insta, you know life has been in warp speed lately with change upon change upon change. But the faint whisper of dreams keeps taunting me, and I think it’s about time I do something about it. So I’m doing my best to unjam the gear shift and get this sucker in motion. I know it isn’t going to be pretty, and perfection will be nowhere in sight, but hey…we gotta start somewhere.

ACTION STEP #1: GET A LITTLE DREAMY

Being stuck in such a rut, I decided to do something a little out of character for me: I bought the Cultivate What Matters Powersheets; 6-month edition. Now, the reason I say this is a bit out of character for me is because I’m usually a goal setting ninja. I don’t typically need any help in that department. But with my normal systems drifting so far out of reach, having someone guide me through the process felt like just the ticket for my tired little soul. And it most certainly did the trick.

Lara Casey, the brains behind Cultivate What Matters, encourages you to envision your life when you’re 80. What will matter the most to you then? she asks. It seems so obvious, but it’s not something I really ever considered when it came to goal setting. I’m more of an immediate future type of goal-getter. But this approach helped me depart from my normal to-do list type goals which were usually strictly business or fitness related and instead get a little dreamier about the big picture of my life.

Once I had the areas of my life I wanted to focus on, it was time to move on to the next step.

ACTION STEP #2: GET CLEAR

With the big picture of my life coming into focus, getting clear on the various areas I felt needed the most attention was actually much easier than I anticipated. The Powersheets actually walk you through the process of selecting these things, and some of them were quite surprising to me. Like I said, I’m usually pretty good at goal setting–but it’s rare that I ever think outside the scope of the obvious things like business or health/fitness. Getting a more well-rounded view was eye-opening and refreshing. There is room for 10 big picture goals. I set 8. They are listed in no particular order.

Improve financial health. As a millennial who graduated just as the bottom fell out on the economy, well, you can imagine the state of our finances. It probably doesn’t help that we got married as babies (23) and have moved 7 times in 9 years. (Oh, and we’ve only ever rented. 🤦🏻‍♀️) Stability isn’t exactly our closest friend. Since our sudden move to the RDU landed us temporarily at my mom’s so we wouldn’t feel rushed in the home search (what a nice change of pace, if I’m honest), we’ve also decided to use this time to aggressively pay off debt. This is a nice goal to have, sure, but it’s uncomfortable and requires vigilance. If I’m being honest, it sounds much more appealing to me to just keep my head in the sand and keep on keepin’ on. But the point here is to cultivate life-altering change. And that requires a little bit of discomfort. So I’m going at it gung ho, even if I don’t love the process.

Mindful health & fitness. I have fallen off my fitness regimen like whoa since moving. I’m no longer close to my gym franchise, and it’s a gazillion degrees outside which doesn’t exactly entice me to go running. But I find I just feel better in general if I’m moving my body. So it’s time to get intentional about it and become a bit more disciplined. As for the health part, well, I always joke that I exercise just so I can eat all the foods. Which, I mean, I do. I’m never going to deny myself a McDonalds quarter pounder meal if that’s what I want. But I rarely want those things, so I let myself indulge. Where I need to improve is to get better about incorporating the right nutrients into the meals I prepare at home on a weekly basis.

Intentional media consumption. My brain constantly feels so full that I struggle to think actual thoughts. And when I try to take a mental inventory, I’m disgusted to find that there’s really nothing of value hanging out up there. It’s half influencer bullshit and half random tidbits of information about people’s lives I hardly care about. (I’m sorry, but it’s true.) On top of that, I haven’t made the time to read like I used to. And I miss it, tremendously. It feels silly to me that I miss something I’m perfectly capable of reintroducing into my life quite easily if I just eliminated the crap. So this goal is all about being a bit more mindful of the crap and making more space for the kind of media I want and mindfully choose to consume.

Intentional leisure & relaxation. Okay, this one might sound strange–but it’s actually a high priority for me the rest of this year. I’ve been living in a reactionary state for months and months. Because of that, I find that I’m procrastinating more than I ever used to and filling valuable time with mindlessness because I feel tired and unfocused all the time. I work well on a carrot-on-a-stick system: meaning, if I know relaxation and/or leisure is in my future, I can focus and go hard. On top of that, by planning and scheduling my intentional relaxation and leisure time, I’m creating the space for me to be productive in. Again, I know this might sound a bit strange to some of you, but I promise it works for me.

Solidify & grow the business. In case you’re new around here, my business is going through a bit of a transition. What I initially launched as a content marketing business is now evolving primarily into a coaching practice & author platform. This transition requires some intense focus, gear-shifting and behind-the-scenes refreshing.  

Deepen relationships. I’ve been pretty caught up in myself and my business for the last several years. And through the powersheets process, I discovered that my relationships are possibly the most important feature of my life. With that screaming into focus, I want to take the time to purposefully deepen the existing relationships in my life and cultivate new ones that add to it.

Intentionally chase goals: complete powersheets. A silly goal, but a goal none-the-less. The powersheets were an investment, and I hate wasting a good resource, so this goal stands.

Show myself kindness. This one is quite broad, and it might not make a lot of sense to you, but I know exactly what it means. For me, doing this simply entails listening to myself. I have a strong gut instinct, and I’m pretty good at diagnosing exactly what I need at any given moment. I am also deeply aware of the things that bring and keep joy in my life. These things can vary, but basically, the point here is to get out of the habit of disappointing myself.

ACTION STEP #3: BREAK IT DOWN

Now that I had my 8 big picture goals laid out, the powersheets process graduates you into what they call the monthly tending lists. How this works is, with your big picture goals in mind, you break down various action-steps into monthly, weekly and daily goals. Cultivate What Matters sells a separate goal-setting sticker book that caught my attention (they have these really cute dot stickers that color coordinate with your big-picture goals, I mean c’mon!!! 😍) but since improving our financial health is a big-picture goal, I decided to stick with markers I already have. (See? Progress already. 🙃😂)

JULY MONTHLY GOALS

• Create August tending list
• Compile a list & total of debt
• 30 Days to Boundaries updates
• Create a budget
• Read 4 books
• Boundary boss updates
• Move (my body) 32 miles!
• Create a master B-Day list
• Establish a writing schedule
• Make a cleaning schedule

JULY WEEKLY GOALS:

• 1 social media-free day
• Write 3500 words
• Check bank acct & make adjustments
• Self-care session
• Weekday meals at home
• Read 1 book
• Move (my body) 8 miles!

JULY DAILY GOALS (the powersheets encourage you to use this section as a place to try to introduce new daily habits)

• Meditate 5 minutes
• Read 20 minutes
• Up before 6:30
• Wipe down baths
• Tidy & make the bed

Phew! Okay, so that’s probably a much deeper dive into my personal goals than any of you actually needed, but it’s all about accountability, right? If nothing else, I hope this at least inspired some of you who may be stuck in a rut just like me. If so, comment down below and let me know one of your goals for the month of July! 👇🏻

THERE IS A FINE BALANCE TO KNOWING WHEN YOU SHOULD LET SOMETHING GO AND WHEN YOU SHOULD POWER THROUGH WITH THE INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS.

I’m worried we’re going to create a society where we all just cut and run. Just because something upsets you or makes you uncomfortable does not mean it no longer serves you. If someone in your life made a mistake or a poor decision, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should pull a bye, Felicia. If someone is holding you to a higher standard and pressing for you to be better (because they know you can do better), that doesn’t always warrant your disappearing act.

DON’T SIDESTEP VALUABLE GROWTH BY SIMPLY LETTING GO OF WHAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

While truly letting go is very rarely easy, I do believe that as a culture we are dangerously close to employing a standard “ghosting” method any time something doesn’t go our way. Disappointment, frustration and upset are regular components to important relationships. And if we simply take an exit when those things present throughout the journey of a relationship, we risk waking up sad and very alone one day.

Understand me when I say this, I am not encouraging you to stay in an unhealthy relationship or situation. I am simply asking that we all employ a little (or honestly, a lot) of critical thinking when it comes to making the decision to let something go.

A fact that I’m worried is getting disregarded in our let everything go frenzy is that there are some things worth fighting for. There are some things to which we are responsible. I’m not saying stay because there’s an obligation. (If you know me in real life, you know that unwarranted obligations are a trigger for me.) But we risk developing an incredibly selfish society if we’re all so committed to just ducking out and severing ties any time we’re made to feel less than awesome. There is value to being committed to seeing things through, even if and when they get difficult. But that’s where the fine balance comes into play. And that’s when it becomes incredibly important to employ critical thinking. Because the line between this is uncomfortable and therefore it hurts and this hurts and it’s making me miserable and there’s nothing more I can do here is very, very fine. And ultimately, you’re the only person who can make that judgement call. But when it comes time to making that kind of decision, I would encourage you to seek outside counsel. Whether that’s from a trusted friend, parent, mentor, life coach or therapist is your call to make.

Keep in mind, we tend to go to those for counsel whom we feel will take our side with things. So I want you to open your heart and mind and turn to someone you can trust to be open, honest and real with you. Because sometimes we need to be called out. Sometimes we’re the one who has the problem, making a situation toxic. And if we just cut and run every time things go sideways, we’ll never learn or improve.

IS IT ACTUALLY TIME TO LET GO?

Letting go and truly removing someone or something from your life is a process. But the first step is to make an assessment to determine if letting go is the right and healthy thing to do. Take some time to reflect on the following:

• What is it about this situation that has you considering whether or not you should let it go?
• Is this patterned behavior? (Meaning, cyclical. You’ve been here time and time again with this person with the same or similar results every time.)
• In what ways is this person or situation causing detriment to your life?
• Do you feel there is any value to salvaging the situation or relationship? If so, what?
• If no, what value is there in letting the situation go? Envision what your new reality would look like.
• By letting this go, what would you be missing?
• By letting this go, what would you be gaining?
• Are there any ripple effects to letting this go, whether good or bad? If so, what are they? How will you handle those?
• Do you feel there are any alternatives to letting this person or situation go completely? What boundaries, if any, could you put in place to improve this situation?

There is a lot to consider when making this kind of decision, but these points are a great way to navigate the beginning stages of this process.

I am a firm believer in letting go of what truly isn’t serving you any longer. You deserve to live the kind of life you want. But I also believe in order to accomplish that, you need to employ the letting go tactic with care.

WHY I WANTED TO CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA

Before we get into the different ways to develop and maintain a healthier relationship with the various social networks, I want to share the negative impact social media was having on me. You’re probably already at least vaguely aware of them if not experiencing some of them yourself. But for the sake of comprehensiveness, let’s do a brief overview.

• It was feeding my unwarranted desire for “more” and “better” when I have everything I need.
• Awareness of what others in my field were doing would paralyze me into inaction.
• Comparing made me really start to doubt (and dislike) myself.
• My head felt constantly full of nothing.
• I was unintentionally devoting precious time to it that I could have used to write, create or relax.
• It would fool me into thinking I was actually “connecting” with people but would ultimately leave me feeling very lonely.

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA

PARTICIPATE IN A SOCIAL DETOX

The first thing I would recommend is taking a break from social media entirely. I’ve done this at two different times for two different durations. I learned so much about myself and the role social media played in my life. These breaks offered me an opportunity to see what else I could use to fill my time. They also reminded me of what it feels like to let my mind to wander and what comes from being bored. At the end of each detox, I felt free, clear-headed and focused. Along with all of that, these detoxes showed me:

• I don’t really get anything out of social media
• The “urge” I would feel to check the platforms was never partnered with “desire.”
• While it can be fun, it is more often totally overwhelming

Keep track of how you feel during your detox. Listen to what your body, brain, and heart are telling you. Keep an inventory of your thoughts. What you learn from your detox will help you decide how to alter your social media usage to establish a relationship that best suits you. For the sake of this post, I’ll be sharing what changes I’ve made. A couple things to keep in mind:

1. Social media is vital to my business
2. While I (personally) don’t really get anything out of social media, I do enjoy it to some degree.

UTILIZE SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGEMENT TOOLS

Like I mentioned above, maintaining a healthy presence on social media is vital to my business. And in this day in age, I’d bet it’s safe to say the same is probably true for you, too. I struggled hard with this. For some reason, establishing some degree of separation and balance was incredibly difficult for me to sort out. I’d log into Instagram to post something and before I knew it, 25 minutes of story watching would pass and I’d click out and forget to post what I set out to.

When it comes to my business, I rely on social media scheduling and management tools. I have personal experience with Hootsuite, Buffer and Planoly and would recommend any/all of them.

SCHEDULE SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKS AND SET A TIME LIMIT

If you’re new here, I live and breathe by calendar blocking. I find it to be incredibly beneficial to my peace of mind and productivity. So when I started toying with the idea of changing my relationship with social media, it finally hit me like a duh-huh moment to schedule in blocks of time.

So, texting wasn’t really a thing when I was in high school (at best, you could send a “text” message from a computer to a cell phone number). But for the sake of this example, let’s assume it was. It would be inappropriate to sneak your phone out and check for a text in the middle of Biology class. But the second the bell rings, releasing you to change blocks, it was fair game. You would have 5 minutes to get your stuff together, haul ass across campus to English, and quickly check your phone. Once the bell rang to signal the start of English class, you knew to put your phone back in your backpack.

Create your own blocks of time in which it would be appropriate to check your phone. And the most vital part: set and enforce a time limit. I mean that literally here. Actually set a timer. If you’ve blocked out 10 minutes to check in and engage with your socials, set a timer for 10 minutes. When that timer buzzes, game over.

STAY IN CONTROL

When Facebook first came out, you would log in and scroll your “feed” until you hit the end. Yes, that’s right, your feed would have an end. But over time, social network developers discovered that if you introduced a never-ending scroll, users would spend more time logged in. Developers have spent countless hours researching user behavior to develop techniques that subconsciously encourage you to spend as much time as possible on their platform. They know what they’re doing. And they’re good at their jobs.

Ever feel like a mindless drone after a few minutes of scrolling? That’s a clear indicator that you’ve fallen prey to these techniques. We all have. So how can you stay in control? Here are a couple techniques I use:

♡ MUTE ALL STORIES ON INSTAGRAM ♡ This might seem aggressive, but hear me out. We are triggered by that little pink ring. Additionally, at the end of one user’s story, you’re rolled right into the next. When you mute all of them, you start to get a little pickier about whose content you consume. I scroll through my “muted” feed at the top and cherry pick which ones I’d like to watch. I’m not triggered by that pink ring. Best of all, when your entire IG Stories Feed is muted, stories don’t automatically roll into the next. So if you choose to watch @IGUSER1’s story, that’s it. When it’s over it’s over. You can then decide if you want to watch @IGUSER2’s story or @IGUSER3, 4, 5, so on and so on. You get the point. I can’t tell you how many times I realized I’d wasted over 25 minutes just tapping through all the available stories just to clear all the pink rings. Not anymore!

♡ FILTER & CURATE YOUR FEEDS ♡ We all know the story of that dreaded “obligation” connection. We’re also probably overly familiar with that one family member who rants and raves daily. Take control of what you’re seeing day to day by employing the “unfollow” feature on Facebook and the “mute” feature on Instagram. Both of these features allow you to remain “connected” to the individual, but their content will no longer show up in your feed. Additionally, you can mute various users and words on Twitter. Make these features your new best friends!

To be totally transparent, even with these tactics in place, I still struggle not to fall into bad habits. And sometimes I do. Instinctively, I’ll feel that random urge to grab my phone and click into Instagram when my brain needs a moment of reprise from whatever I’m doing. I will say this, the more you pay attention to your usage, the more you practice control, the easier it gets.

Tell me, what do you do to maintain a healthy relationship with social media? 👇🏻

Looking back, I understand it better now. I found that moment–a rare blank space in my day. Nothing about it was intentional despite the wine pouring and show cueing. I had nothing in place to protect that supposed bit of peace. Any minute, something, anything could interrupt my momentary bliss and send me spiraling. So my guard was up. Always.

WHY YOU CAN’T RELAX

Because like me, it’s likely there’s nothing sacred about the moments you choose to “sneak in” some relaxation. Like an item on your todo list, you go through the motions to complete the task. Wine poured? Check. Cake sliced? Duh. Cozy blanket acquired? Absolutely. But there, in that moment, you’re still anxious. You check your phone 1000 times, seeking out that fleeting dopamine hit. Texts still flutter in, any one of them threatening to steal your peace. An ambiguous deadline still looms, your unstable boss could call any minute to demand your time and attention.

Nothing about this peaceful moment is peaceful.

BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT YOUR RELAXATION

Vague, I know. But it’s not enough to just “sneak in” peace wherever it becomes available to you. Because you and I both know that is a very rare occurrence. And many times, we force relaxation by making the seemingly conscious decision to put something else off. That in itself introduces a whole different breed of stress and anxiety into the mix. We’ve all been there; that moment of “screw it. I’ll finish this tomorrow.” That is not relaxation. That’s procrastination with a fancy hat.

Think about what actually brings you peace and joy. Instead of filling the space with mindless scrolling and watching, seek out an activity that fills you up. Maybe that’s reading or going for a walk. Maybe that’s totally unplugging and meeting a friend for a long overdue dinner. If bingeing a TV show is something you actually want to do (instead of accidentally falling into), be purposeful about it. Allow yourself to look forward to it. Buy fun snacks and set the date with your couch. Add these things into your calendar and respect the appointments like you would a client meeting.

PROTECT YOUR MOMENTS OF PEACE WITH BOUNDARIES

The ingredient that is most likely missing. You wouldn’t take a personal call in a client meeting. You wouldn’t reply to a flurry of texts in the middle of a yoga class. You wouldn’t accidentally dive into a project in the middle of an accounting meeting. No. Because you have boundaries in place (whether intentionally or not) to protect those things.

Along with being intentional about your relaxation, you need to establish and implement some boundaries around it, too. Will your phone be out of reach on DND? Will your kids know not to interrupt? Will you know that your laptop will be shut up tight to avoid any mindless scrolling or project jumping?

What do you want your relaxation to look like? Then think through what rules (cough, boundaries…) you need to put in place to protect that dream relaxation.

BE CONSISTENT

My HS best friend and I used to have what we called veg n’ vent dates. We’d drive over to Cookout, grab some hushpuppies to share, a milkshake each, and we’d unload on one another. Puppyshakers is what we called each other because we were sixteen and adorable. (And now, as I typed that, it sounds like we shook puppies. We did not. No puppies were harmed in the making of a puppyshaker.) We did this weekly, a standing date. If ever we had to skip a week, we would say that our meter was getting low.

Your car needs gas regularly to drive. Gassing up whenever you find a spare minute or when you feel like it just isn’t going to cut it. You’ll break down on the side of the road. You’ll have to call your husband and explain what happened and well, he’ll make jokes, you’ll cry, and that’s just embarrassing. (Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…)

You need to make intentional relaxation a regular part of your routine. Either daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you need. Consistently relaxing on purpose does wonderful things for your state of well-being. It goes from emergency recovery mode to preventative maintenance. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

How do you intentionally relax? If you already have some boundaries in place for those peaceful moments, what are they? 👇🏻