Last bite

I had a roommate my last year of college who was the master of “the last bite.” She would orchestrate her entire meal, eating in a choreographed fashion so she’d be left with the perfect last bite. Thinking back now, it was probably God’s doing that she was my roommate my senior year after an otherwise tumultuous college experience. She was so full of joy, and she taught me how to live through grief gracefully.

2017 has been one heck of a year. I spent a lot of it feeling sad, lost, and like I was drowning in an ocean I filled myself. So much has happened in the last three years that I’ve forced into a box, one I promised myself I’d deal with eventually; you know, when I found the energy. But guess what, sometimes you don’t get to make that choice. I learned that painful lesson so maybe you don’t have to.

Since the end of 2014, I’ve been on a rollercoaster I couldn’t make stop. With every unexpected twist and turn, I lost a bit of myself. Just keep your head down, I told myself. It’ll be over soon. But you know what happens when you keep your head down? Life, friends. Life happens. And you don’t get to enjoy any of it when you’re staring at the ground and keeping yourself busy so you don’t have to feel anything.

Grief has been a close personal friend the last three years. One I’ve been too afraid to introduce to anyone because I’m supposed to be stronger than that. First, football made an unexpected exit from our lives, forcing us to uproot everything we built and start over on a broken foundation. Then my father passed away after an ugly battle with an autoimmune disease. And then, just as we were starting to feel the breath in our lungs again, we packed the final box and drove away from my childhood home for good. Like I said, it’s been a rough few years. But the problem is, if you don’t let yourself feel those things, you become hollow and numb, just going through the motions.

I don’t remember much of this year. That’s hard for me to admit, but the days just passed me by. And that’s exactly what I wanted to happen, I willed them away. I’d lay in bed at night thanking God that we made it through another day.

But about a month ago, I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I examined my life and collected my pieces. I finally allowed myself to feel all the loss, to become buried in it. It was hard and painful, but it was necessary. The Big Losses, if you allow them to, can do amazing things to your life. They can propel you into a new chapter, one you wouldn’t have access to otherwise. But if you don’t move forward, you’re just left living the same life surrounded by loss. And that’s a painful way to live, friends. Trust me, I would know.

So, I made some big changes. Changes that would allow space in my life for the things that bring me joy. I won’t sit here and tell you that’s easy to do, it’s not. But I will tell you that making joy a priority in your life is your right. You are allowed to make changes. You are allowed to stop dead in your tracks and say “no, this isn’t right for me anymore.”

Grief is a part of life, and it shouldn’t ever be something you’re embarrassed to feel. It doesn’t make you weak. Asking for help doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. None of us are equipped to do life alone, that’s why God made Eve for Adam. We’re meant to connect and share and do life together.

In the last few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time doing just that. And as I sat across from a dear friend recently, catching her up on all things life, my heart felt happy and full.

Last bite.
You have the right to change your story at any time. You still have time to finish out 2017 with the perfect last bite. So whatcha gonna do?