Listening and letting go; A life update
So, I guess I have a lot to catch you up on. There really is no easy way for me to say this except to just come out with it. I left my company. I am no longer a partner of Bliss Creative Services, LLC.
I don’t exactly know where to start, so I guess I’ll start in the middle. Without going into too many details, this year has been a royal struggle for my little family. We just couldn’t find our footing, and every month seemed to introduce another obstacle. But I was armed with drive and persistence.
Bliss was doing well. Is doing well. But somewhere along the way, it became more than just a business to me. It became my end all be all. The one thing I put above all else. I looked at it like my lifeline. I would and did do all in my power to make it work. It became an idol, and no amount of work was ever enough.
But more and more, I found myself swimming in stress, anxiety, and personal struggle. Regardless, I prayed the same prayer I prayed often. Lord, please bless my business. Please let Bliss support my little family.
The thing is, I use my journal for prayer, and it’s interesting to see that somewhere over time, the prayers changed.
Lord, please provide clarity.
Lord, I don’t know how to articulate what’s on my heart, but I know you know already, so I’m just turning my heart over to you. I feel change coming.
Lord, here I am always begging you to speak to me and yet my mind is never idle. There is no white space. I am always consuming information, desperate to learn all there is to learn. And that’s important, but how can I expect to hear your voice when I don’t spend any time in silence?
Lord, I am putting this in your hands. I trust the plans you have for us. If it is your will, please let _______ come through for Jonathan. Our little family could do with catching a break. Ultimately, only your will be done. (editor’s note: ____ did not come through for Jonathan. And that has proven to be a blessing.)
Lord, please, rescue us.
If you couldn’t tell from those prayers, there was a bit of transition with Jonathan’s job. Thankfully, that has all worked out for the best, but things were still messy.
And then one night, everything came to a head. I was spiraling, reaching for resolution. I sat up brainstoming ideas trying to think of different ways to make all the pieces fit together.
Lord, we will do whatever is Your will and rejoice in it. Reveal Yourself and Your plans in Your perfect timing and we will obey. Tell me where to go and what to do. Drench us in your love and ignite hope. I trust you have plans to use us. We put our hope, faith and trust in You.
You see, my mom had major surgery in the middle of October. What came with that was slightly unexpected. I didn’t realize how terrifying it could be for your only remaining parent to undergo something like that. The aftermath was hard and stressful. And in the midst of all that stress, I got sick. It’s possible it’s a flare up of something that’s been laying relatively dormant since the great health debacle of 2013, but regardless… one of the sacrifices I made for the sake of the business is: I don’t have health insurance.
Everything, and I mean everything, came to a screeching halt that night. I felt scared, exhausted, and completely unsure of everything. I cried myself to sleep begging: tell me where to go and what to do.
When I woke the next morning, I heard a strange message: you can let it go. For those of you who may not be believers, I’ve only ever heard the voice of God once before, and it was back when I was a teenager begging for God to tell me whether or not my relationship was worth the hell we were going through. God eventually answered with a simple yes that sent peace radiating through my soul.
I knew it was the voice of God. And I knew it was Bliss. And though I couldn’t make sense of it, the relief was immediate.
I know that won’t make a lot of sense to most of you. And I wish there was some way for me to articulate exactly all that went into that whole experience, but those of you who are believers will totally understand. When you actually hear the voice of God, it’s rare that you’re unsure. But we’re all humans, and it’s something that can be hard to be 100% certain about. For that reason, there are several ways to test whether or not what you’ve heard was actually the voice of God.
- Does it agree with the Bible.
- Does it make me more like Jesus?
- Does my church family (or small group) agree?
- Is it consistent with how God shaped me?
- Does it encourage me to mind my own business? (For further explanation here, basically, God won’t ever speak to you to get a message to someone else. If we feel that a message is meant for someone else, we are to wait and pray. God will speak to that person directly. God usually uses other people to confirm what he has already said to someone else.)
- Is it convicting rather than condemning?
- Do I sense God’s peace about it?
I can and will do a whole separate post about how to test an impression, but the ultimate point here is that I tested the message. And a good friend finally said the words I’d been trying to avoid for two years: if you’re doing all these things to keep Bliss going, when are you going to write books?
The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. The business wasn’t ever supposed to be the dream. The business was supposed to make the dream more attainable. And at the end of the day, if it’s one dream for the other; writing books will always win.
The truth is, I lost sight of it all. When I left my nannying job all that time ago now, I had one mission: replace my income working from home so I could create more white space to write books. But I got swept up in it all. Being a business owner was exhilerating and terrifying in the most wonderful kind of way. Working with my best friend was the. freaking. dream. Succeeding at something I wasn’t even sure I could do was intoxicating.
But in the end, it’s not the end all be all. And God said to let go. So I obeyed. I may not understand it completely, but that’s not my job. I trust the plan He has for me, for my life, for all these dreams swirling around in my heart. And He’s never let me down before.
So, now you can find me quietly doing the work that helps me provide for my family. And in my free time? (Because I’ll actually have free time…) I’ll be the girl in the corner at the local coffee shop pounding out the words. And just like that, life makes sense again.
Thank you all for coming along on this entrepreneurial journey with me.
But most importantly, thanks to Myra for literally going on the journey with me. Tuesday mornings won’t be the same without your face in my computer screen. I had a dream, and you took a huge leap of faith with me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. For the last time; take care of Bliss.
