Real Talk: Marriage, Babies, and Family

Real Talk: Marriage, Babies, and Family

Over the weekend, a friend shared something with me that not only horrified me, but also got me thinking.

She received a card in the mail from one friend who has children.  In that circle of friends, she and her husband are the only couple without a child.  Well, the card was addressed to

The Blank Family
 Family was crossed out.

Not only did I think it was all kinds of tacky, it struck me as extremely insulting and hurtful.  As if those of us without kids haven’t earned the right to be labeled as a family.

Knowing my friends’ story, I know she’s been struggling to start her own family.  Now, not everyone knows that, as it’s no one’s business, but when she shared this little story, my heart broke for her.

Real talk?  J and I aren’t 100% sold on the whole idea of kids yet.  I know we’re getting older, and we’re running out of time to even make that decision.  But the way we look at it, it would be unfair to bring a child into our family if we weren’t certain.  And it’s our right to make that decision.

But when my friend shared her story, it got me thinking.  Are J and I not a family because we don’t have children?  Is it possible we won’t ever be a family if we choose not to have kids?

And the answer is absolutely not.

 

 
I know we all might define family differently, and that’s okay.  But we never have the right to define someone else’s family.  There’s a good chance J and I might live entire lives as just the two of us, and that doesn’t make us any less of a family than those of you who are already knee deep in Legos.
I’ll admit that for a while, I felt a horrible pressure to have children.  Not only was it the next step, but I craved that definition, that separation.  I felt like J and I didn’t have the right to make decisions for ourselves as a family that separated us from the traditions of our families without kids.  When you make a choice with your children’s best interest in mind, who could blame you?  But if you make a decision with your best interest in mind, you’re selfish.
Take the holidays, for example.  If you choose to stay home for Christmas so your children can wake up in their own beds and spend Christmas morning in their own house, people will commend you, telling you it’s time to start your own family traditions.
But if you choose to spend Christmas at home, just the two of you, you run the risk of hurt feelings.  Why wouldn’t you want to be with family?
And there’s that word again.
When you have children, the world sees you differently.  You fit into the standard definition of family.    And I can absolutely see how people who might not be 100% certain they want kids can give into the pressure because it just seems easier.
But listen.  Family is only exactly what you make it to be.  If you want children coming out of your ears then so be it!  But if you’ve only ever wanted a spouse and a couple pets, that’s perfectly okay, too.
Sometimes family excludes blood relatives in exchange for special friends, or an odd combo of it all.
And you know what?  Whatever works for you.

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