I’m stuck in my tracks. I’m moving forward but at a glacial pace. And not exactly in the direction I was hoping for. And the only person I have to blame is myself.
When my time was my own, I was a master of it. I ceased the opportunities that weren’t even in front of me. I put them in front of myself. I made them happen. And the funny thing is, I still have that power. And so do you. But instead I’ve curled back into myself. I’m complacent and that’s not okay.
I keep telling myself I’m waiting for the right moment. I keep saying I’m waiting for the right inspiration. It’ll come when it’ll come. But the truth is, like with most things, you have to make it the right time.
I never felt more in place or more like myself than when I was tackling the book last year. I woke up with purpose to my days and felt so fulfilled at the end of the day despite the exhaustion. I didn’t allow myself any excuses. I squashed the fear that constantly bubbled up and dove in. I stood on a ledge or two that I needed to be talked off of, but for the most part I knew what I was doing was the right thing.
I am good at my day job. I’ve always been strangely good with kids, but this age group is my place. I didn’t know it but my husband did. And he guided me into this job. It’s all the blessings that I knew it would be. I fit. And it works. It got us out of Buies Creek. It got us into this apartment where life blossomed before my very eyes. It brought a part of me back to life.
But this new life has set me off balance. I’ve taken every excuse and worn them like an armor fighting against the things that scare me. A security blanket.
The funny thing is, I’m a master at doing what I’m told (I’m pretty sure my parents are laughing out there somewhere. har har). Someone says jump, and I do my best to jump higher than they expected. But lately I’ve been having trouble respecting myself in that same way. When you’re at the start of something, it’s hard to identify yourself in a certain way.
Last night I came into the living room and told J I wrote an article for an online magazine and that it was being published today. I’m a writer! I exclaimed and then realized how stupid that sounded. I know, I wrote a whole freaking book. I should know I’m a writer. But this part of me is always something I’ve struggled with. You all know it. And I know it.
I guess there isn’t much point to all of this except to say that I have to think that we are all constantly battling something. Everyone has something right? We put on our brave faces and face the world like we have it all together but behind closed doors the we shrink down in front of the monsters.
I absolutely agree that we all are battling something and we all try to act brave, sometimes it's okay to not be brave.
I am in a constant battle with myself over what I am doing, what I wish I was doing and how the hell I can get myself there…so I totally get it. Most days I feel like I dont have my life figured out at all, in the least bit. And that scares the crap out of me because aren't I too old to be feeling that way?
I've been feeling like this a lot lately too. I have so many ideas and different things I want to do… yet something's holding me back from actually DOING them!
xoxo
Kat
Love that quote! I think we all struggle with the peaks and valleys of these feelings. The ones where the highs are high and the lows feel full of fear that can stop you dead in your tracks. Baby steps towards pushing past this!
Oh girl I feel ya. Everyone struggles with something, and if they tell you otherwise they are either 1) not self aware or 2) lying their face off.
You mentioned that you haven't given yourself the same respect… And you're putting other people's needs in front of your own. I feel ya, girl. Don't be too hard on yourself just because in this time of transition.
{Almost forgot…} I nominated you for a love/hate/tag challenge if you want to play along!
We sure do all struggle with something. What I love is that you are so great at both things. I'm so glad that you're in a position that you enjoy and that you flourish in, so it'll only be a matter of time before the writing part feels right again. It's tough. I feel pulled in so many different directions and don't feel like I "master" any of it. Lately I've had to focus on my day job more because when I focus too much on blogging or other hobbies, my job suffers and I need that to pay the bills. Like right now…I'm commenting when I should be working :-p Haha
Girl, preach. PREACH. This speaks so loudly to me. I'm right there with you. I don't have answers, but I can listen on your bad days and cheer you on for the good ones! xoxoxo