The Better You: The Ugly
This is hard for me to admit. But for the sake of keeping things extra real around here, I think it’s probably important to share.
I keep a paper journal; I always have. And no, that’s not what I hesitated to share. But sometimes, when things get extra rough, it’s nice to have documentation. It’s comforting to look back at other experiences knowing somehow, we made it through.
So the other night, I was digging through my past. And I found this…
I always thought
my opinions, desires, thoughts, etc
didn’t matter
because I was just me.
Seeing that, reading those words, knowing that I lived my life that way for a long, long time makes my stomach hurt. When you’re shut down enough times, you stop bothering. You start to question if anything, anything, you say, think, want, even matters. To live your life feeling like less of a person than anyone else around you is not okay. And don’t even get me started on the whole “just” thing. You aren’t just anything. Do you hear me?
I have my theories, but it’s hard for me to pin down exactly why I lived a good chunk of my life feeling that way. That I didn’t matter. That I wasn’t enough because I was just me. And as I grew up, I watched my friends blossom in to these confident, competent people, and I just felt lost. Because who was I to get any of the things I wanted?
I felt like I wasn’t enough.
It’s hard, isn’t it? To look at yourself without comparing. To identify your talents, your strengths. Because it’s so easy to tell ourselves that someone else probably does it, or is, better. And the thing is, that’s probably true. There are probably people all over this planet who are better at so many things than me. And that’s okay. But that doesn’t make me less of a person. The fact that someone out there does it better doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Or that I’m not good in my own way.
Basically, I just want to remind you that you are you for a reason. A very important reason. And some of us are still seeking our purpose. Some of us already know it. Some of us are completely confident. Some of us struggle daily. And the honest truth is most of us are a cocktail of all of the above. And that’s okay.
I don’t want you to ever have those thoughts. The kind I shared above. Being you is never a just thing. Being yourself is the hardest and easiest thing you’ll ever have to do. And who you are, what you are, matters.
And maybe you just needed someone to remind you of that.
**For the sake of extra realness, this post was written and posted in real time
