All The Same…

All The Same…

by | Sep 10, 2013 | Throwback

I’ve gone through tough stuff before.  I’ve lost loved ones.  I’ve been told I’m not good enough for what I want.  I’ve been through a war for love.  And yet, I’ve always kind of seen my life as golden.  J and I have always come out the other side of whatever hardship we might have stronger and more in love.
I’ve been quiet around here.  You know it.  I know it.  I’ve never been through anything like this before.  I’ve had health scares before, but deep in my bones I always knew it would pass.  I always knew I’d be fine.  I always just assumed it was the drama of the doctors.  Okay, a kidney infection isn’t good.  Several kidney infections is probably eyebrow raising.  But whatever.  A couple doses of antibiotics and I’m back to good as new.
This time it’s different.  It wasn’t until recently that I drew the connection of the words PATIENT.  No.  I didn’t use incorrect grammar there.  I’m talking about the two different definitions of that word.  I never realized their correlation before.  I guess in reality, I never really thought about it.

I am not a patient person.  I never have been.  That’s why it always shocked me that I was a remotely good nanny.  I don’t have a lot of tolerance.  And in fact, whatever I want…I want right now.  All of this has been a challenge for me.  And for the first few weeks, I just kind of shut down.  Day after day, I’m waiting for test results.  Results that could make or break me.  Each day that passed me by without new information would kill me.  And then the calls and texts would come in asking for news, and I wouldn’t have any.  And it would just make me angry.  Which in turn, would cause me to shut down even more.

I watched a lot of Netflix.  I lived in my snuggie, and my hair stayed greasy and pulled back.  The bare minimum was getting done around here.  And you can bet your bottom dollar I didn’t even open my writing program.  The days I have doctor’s appointments or tests are basically shot–an hour drive there and back and however long I’m there?  Forget it.  By time I’ got home, it’d be a quesadilla (kidding) and bed.  

I was allowing myself to get swallowed up in this mess.  It’s scary.  All of it.  You go in thinking it’s simply your gall bladder and well, you end up in medical hell.  It’s fun for no one.

But it’s time I suck it up.  I scrubbed my kitchen yesterday morning, and it felt so good.  I went back to Zumba! last night.  The truth of the matter is, I feel fine physically for right now.  My mind is a little fogged up with good reason–but I need to do what calms me.  I need to keep living my life.  Because honestly?  Whether I’m hiding underneath the covers or continuing my day-to-day, it’s all the same waiting.